


Far From Heaven

by grallonsphere



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Break Up, Depression, Falling In Love, Father-Son Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, Mother-Son Relationship, Psychological Drama, Rivalry, Roommates, Smut, Titanic meets Iceberg, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-09
Updated: 2017-05-02
Packaged: 2018-09-23 00:38:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 19
Words: 81,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9631976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grallonsphere/pseuds/grallonsphere
Summary: Love does not conquer all and there's no such thing as an unsinkable ship...





	1. Three is not Company

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please refer to version 2.0 of this story which has been edited to improve the pacing and standardize the formatting. The story itself is essentially the same but some segments have been expanded.

# Isak

 

 

**5-16-2018 - 22:18PM**

 

Isak just leans against the wall.  Every once in a while he’s being jostled by the couple making out next to him.  But he doesn’t care; the booze is kicking in.  He sees Even elbowing Magnus while he and Vilde are smooching in the middle of the living room, completely out of synch with the frenzy going on around them.  Gabrielle’s old ‘ _Fem fine frøkner_ ’ is blaring throughout the place yet those two are oblivious to it all, staring at each other like they are alone in the middle of nowhere. 

 

He lets out a delighted guffaw as Even comes closer, looking at him with a wolfish grin and mouthing the words of the song.  It’s still shit but Isak can’t help swaying, remembering that morning when his boyfriend had first made him dance to the tune.  Then finally Even is standing in front of him, bowing when he offers one of the beers like it was a bouquet of flowers.  Isak rolls his eyes and grabs the bottle.

“ _Jesus you’re dramatic!_ ” 

Even winks, or rather tries to before he says.

“ _And what you are babe is fucking SEXY in that uniform!_ ” 

Isak snorts in mock annoyance; he’s worn the traditional Russefeiring overall and cap for most of the last three weeks yet every time Even sees it he keeps repeating how much red suits him. 

 

Even carefully positions himself behind him and Isak lets out a contended sigh as he reclines on the taller boy, taking a lazy swig on the fresh Tuborg.  It isn’t long before he senses a pressure on his left buttock and he can’t help chuckling.  Then suddenly Even’s tongue is darting in that spot behind Isak’s ear where he enjoys being licked, and there's a whisper.

“ _Do you know what would be a really great send-off for your graduation?_ ”

Isak’s groin is pushing against the fabric of his overall now.  He’s got a pretty good idea what.  Still he replies, a little out of breath.

“ _I have no idea what you’re talking about._ ”

Even’s teeth nibbles at his jugular and Isak begins to squirm.  Then another whisper breathed against the nape of his neck.

“ _I want to see another guy fuck you baby…_ ” 

They had joked about this before but never seriously considered it.  Still, the idea had lodged itself in the back of Isak’s mind and it’s taking life at the moment, while Even’s left hand grinds on his crotch.  He lets out something between a sigh and a moan.

“ _Ok… let’s do it!_ ”

They leave Jonas’ party without being noticed. 

 

When they both make it into Elsker’s, their usual hangout when Isak feels a little more gay than usual, they’re assaulted by the deafening music and the smell of beer and sweaty guys.  There’s a full crowd tonight, all drawn by the uniforms loosed in the city.  So much fresh meat released on the market at once…  Both of Even’s hands are resting on his hips as they slowly make their way around the club.  Even is humming through Isak’s red cap, and he keeps repeating.

“ _Is there anyone you like baby?_ ”

At some point they stop in a quieter spot near a column and Isak goes on browsing the crowd until he notices a trio of what looks like middle-eastern guys.  One of them is sporting an unbuttoned shirt of pale yellow silk.  He watches his profile while the dude laughs at something one of his friends said.  The lips are full and wide, and the thick aquiline nose look like it’s been broken at one point.  Isak can make tufts of curly black hair coming out of the shirt.  But the best thing is that he’s clean shaven.  Isak detests all those beards every other dude seems to be growing these days.

He shudders; talk about kissing a road kill!

Isak points with his chin and mumbles.

“ _That one there… he’s hot…_ ”

 

And Even immediately disengages himself before he glides over to the table where the trio is watching him approach.   Even is in full charming mode, talking fast in the guy’s ear while he gestures toward Isak.  He sees Yellow man glance his way with a knowing smile, detailing him as Isak lounges against the column.  The guy nods and turns to his mates, saying something that has them laugh out loud and raise their thumbs, winking. 

 

Yellow man never stops staring at Isak as he and Even amble back closer.  Yassir is the name he gives when he finally introduces himself.  He’s of Pakistani origins apparently and must be in his mid twenties maybe.  Isak notices he’s taller than Even, and wider; a regular at the gym too – those hairy pecs are bulging out.  Isak licks his lips again and stares into the guy’s deep brown eyes; the coiled craving he sees there has him hardening fast.

 

**5-17-2018 - 00:24AM**

 

Isak doesn’t really pay attention at who’s footing the bill for the suite at the Bristol.  All he can think of is that hairy chest he wants to lick and bite into.  As soon as they reach the room and Even locks the door behind them Yassir fishes a thin canister out of his trousers’ back pocket.  And from it he produces a joint as he smirks at them. 

 

Isak chortles when Even lets out an ecstatic YES!  A part of him knows his boyfriend shouldn’t be smoking but he doesn’t really care right now; it’s the last party of his graduation after all.  The blunt is lit and passed around once, then twice, then a third time, as both Even and Yassir close in on Isak from each side, clutching at his clothes - four hands tugging and groping.  His head turns this way and that, catching and holding each guy’s mouth in turn as they undress him one piece at a time.

 

Now all three of them are slumped, naked, on the queen sized bed; Yassir’s back rests against the wall, his left arm languid on a folded leg while his right hand is kneading through Isak’s blond curls as the younger boy’s tongue explores the length and width of his thick uncut shaft.  Every once in a while he gasps, when the lad’s pouty cupid suddenly opens wide before diving down to swallow him whole.  And every time, after surfacing, the boy looks up at him; there’s something insolent in that green gaze.

 

Meanwhile Even is busy softening Isak with his own tongue.  Eventually he begins loosening him with one, then two, then three fingers, before he gently pushes eight inches of himself inside.  And all the while Isak keeps nursing Yassir.  He strokes and sucks and licks, letting out an occasional muffled groan while Even moves in and out, faster and faster.  At some point Even withdraws and Yassir stands on the bed, moving to take Even’s place behind him.

 

Isak is panting and moaning, looking at Even standing next to the bed, blowing rings out from the second, or is it the third joint?  His eyes are gleaming as he strokes himself, taking in his boyfriend being skewered by the Pakistani.  Isak closes his eyes, biting on the pillow as he feels the pounding pressure inside him increase.  When he opens them again Even is nowhere in sight and Yassir is breathing heavy on his neck.

“ _You wanted this didn’t you little bitch, licking your lips like that…?_ ” 

And the mood suddenly shifts.  What had been an exciting rough ride turns into something else entirely, something sour, and painful. 

Yassir grabs at his hair and yanks his head up, hard, biting at his earlobe then his neck then his swollen lips. 

“ _Now…_ ” he’s grunting and thrusting even faster “ _…now I’ll show you how to be a good boy!_ ” 

Isak begins to panic, wriggling to get free, but the guy has him by the throat, one hairy hand choking him as he only plunges in harder and harder.  The other one is on Isak’s mouth to silence the growing whimpers, shoving his head deep in the pillow.  Yassir growls something in some language he can’t understand.  Then he backhands him, again and again.  He spits in his face and strikes his left side with a closed fist as he keeps ramming on.  And still Even is nowhere to be seen.

 

**5-17-2018 - 7:34AM**

 

When Isak comes around he’s sprawled on the crumpled sheets, feeling bruised all over.  Thank God Yassir is no longer on top of him!  He must have passed out from being chocked.  He looks around in a daze and sees a bundle of clothes on the floor nearby, his and Even’s it seems.  There are no traces left of Yassir.  He slowly manages to turn on himself, scanning the room.  There’s a shock of blond hair above the rim of the chair at the other end of the suite.  It is facing away from the bed and overlooking the city skyline through the tall bay window.  Isak groans and pushes himself up on one elbow.  His legs are wobbly under him as he wanders closer to his boyfriend.  Even is still completely undressed and he clutches his phone, a vacant gaze staring outside, earplugs firmly planted in his ears.  Isak can’t think of anything to say, it’s like his mind is completely blank.  His eyes close and he begins to shake.  All he wants right now is to be clean.

 

He climbs into the shower and turns the water tap on.  He doesn’t mind the heat and stays under for what seems like a long time.  Eventually he remembers to soap himself everywhere.  He is shocked all over again when he squints in the misty mirror.  The fiery line he’d felt on his lips is a bite, deep enough to draw blood.  And there are others, all over his body.  There’s a reddish lump on his forehead, where his head had hit the wall at some point.  Deep purple marks on his neck.  More bruises around his ribcage under the left nipple...  and inside his thighs too.  He stands on his toes and parts his legs then traces a slight touch on the soft membrane of his anus.  That too is swollen.  Shit! 

 

He leaves the bathroom and finds Even where he’d left him.  He tugs on the earplugs, shaking them loose.

“ _Even…_ ”  Jesus Christ!  He sounds like an old man on his death bed!

No reaction other than a slight wince.

Only then does Isak recognize the signs of depression that inevitably follow a manic episode.  All of a sudden his eyes are burning and he turns away again, moving to the pile of clothes.  He dresses quickly and grabs his phone. 

It is 9:13AM. 

He stares at it for a few second than dials Heidi’s number.

 

 **Heidi** : “ _God Morgen Isak!_ ”  Warm sunshine in her voice, as always.

Isak had liked Even’s mom the moment they first met.  He remembers being amazed by how much her son looked like her!  The same full lips, the same azure eyes; except hers were unclouded.  In time they had become friends, bound by their mutual love for Even.  And now he can’t speak to her because of the lump in his throat.  And Heidi being who she is senses right away that something is wrong.

 **Heidi** : “ _Where are you now?_ ”  A faint sob escapes him.

 **Heidi** : “ _Isak please tell me where you are.  Is Even with you?_ ”  He swallows another cry and finally manages to breathe.

 **Isak** : “ _Yes… he’s here… we’re…_ ”  He looks around until he spots the Greeting card on the nightstand. “ _…we’re at the Bristol…_ ”

 **Heidi** : “ _On Kristian IVs Gate?  Alright what’s the room number?_ ”  Isak comes closer to the door.

 **Isak** : “ _603._ ”

 **Heidi** : “ _You guys just stay put and I’ll be there soon alright?_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _Yea..._ ”

 

He blinks away more tears until he takes in the wrinkled sheets on the bed.  A wave of nausea rolls through him and he drops the phone, running for the bathroom.  He grabs the dark counter with both hands and all the alcohol, the weed, the fear and the pain erupt out of him.  When he’s done he stays there, eyes closed, spitting the last of it.  What a fucking mess!  How could he have missed the warning signs?  But he’d been partying almost non-stop for the last three weeks and Even was with him most of that time.  He opens his eyes and stares at the chaos in the sink then goes about cleaning it.

 

**5-17-2018 - 9:48AM**

 

The urgent knock on the door startles him.  When he opens Heidi is there and her eyes widen as she stares at him, one hand cupping her mouth, tears welling up.  Isak cannot look at her when she walks in, closing the door behind her.  He’s quivering again when he feels her arms enfolding him.  She’s much smaller than him yet he feels like he’s a toddler right now.  After a while he becomes quiet and she takes his face in both hands.  She swallows once before she asks.

“ _Did… did Even do this to you?_ ”  He shakes a no, still looking at her grey coat.  She sighs in relief.

“ _Alright then, time to get you boys home._ ”

She collects Even’s clothes and goes to him.  He hasn’t moved since Isak woke up.  She leans down and strokes his disheveled head.  Her voice is tearful when she smiles and whispers to him.

“ _There’s my baby…  We have to go now Even.  You have to dress up so we can go home._ ”  Even looks up, confused.

“ _Mama?_ ”  She nods another smile and he asks.

“ _Where’s Isak Mama?  Where’s my Isak?_ ”  Isak’s vision clouds again; there so much fear and anxiety in his voice.

“ _He’s here baby._ ”  She beckons for Isak to come closer.  Isak quickly pulls up his hoodie, wanting to hide his face and moves closer.  He bends over the chair, kissing Even’s head in turn and says in a quiet voice.

“ _I’m always with you._ ”

 

 

**********


	2. Settling Dust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the dust settles old rivals become allies...

# Isak

 

 

**5-17-2018 - 12:07PM**

 

Isak sits on Even’s bed.  His boyfriend is finally asleep.  He’s so tired himself yet he can’t lie down.  He simply cannot stop thinking about what happened so he goes on rubbing the palm of his hand on Even’s back, soothing.  When the door creaks open he starts.  Heidi gestures for him to follow her.  They end up in the pale green kitchen and she motions Isak to sit at the wooden table.  A couple of minutes later she comes back with two large mugs; she hands him one and keeps the other as she settles next to him, breathing in to cool it.  She says nothing while he takes a sip.  Kokoa!  He smiles and turns to her, eyes brimming.

“ _I wish I had a mom like you…_ ” 

The corners of her eyes crease and she reaches to stroke his cheek.

“ _She loves you even if she cannot always show it._ ” 

Heidi knew about his mother’s condition.  Having a son like Even she understood exactly how it felt to live around someone with a mental illness.  She tastes her own hot chocolate then clears her throat and says.

“ _Now I’d like you to tell me everything about last night._ ”  He swallows, closing his eyes and nods.

“ _We were… at a party… at a friend of mine…._ ”  Heidi simply listens so he goes on.

“ _Even was… very… affectionate…_ ”  Heidi cuts in.

“ _You mean he was horny._ ” 

He flushes scarlet.  God this is awkward!  He can’t believe he’s actually talking to Even’s mother about this.  So he just nods.  Heidi is chuckling when she says.

“ _I know my son Isak, especially when he’s up cycle; his libido explodes._ ” 

Isak doesn’t know where to look.  Why is he always so self-conscious when it comes to this?  She gently prompts him. 

“ _I’m sorry, please go on._ ”

“ _So we’re like having a beer and… and then Even says we should celebrate…_ ” 

He gulps down some more hot chocolate and wipes the foam off his mouth, wincing as he brushes the cut on his lips.

“ _I thought… he wanted to go to my place so we could… have sex you know..._ ”  Heidi remains quiet.

“ _…but… he said he wanted…_ ” 

He can’t say it, not to her!  He doesn’t look her way so he doesn’t notice how Heidi is pressing her lips firmly together, trying not to laugh.  When she subsides she simply asks.

“ _He wanted for you guys to have a threesome?_ ” 

His head snaps up and his face becomes even redder.  He stares at her with round eyes.  Heidi can’t help herself and bursts out laughing.  She looks at him fondly and says.

“ _You’re so adorable!_ ”  He shakes his head, sheepish.  She winks at him and goes on.

 “ _I know men Isak, the more toys they can get their hands on the happier they are._ ” 

 A strangled giggle escapes Isak’s lips.  This is outrageous!

“ _Heidi!_ ”  Both her eyebrows shoot up at once, just like Even.

“ _What?  You think I’ve never been 19?_ ” 

She laughs again and somehow when Heidi laughs it’s like everything is brighter.  And then she looks at him seriously.

“ _There’s nothing embarrassing about sex Isak… so long as everyone involved is comfortable and having fun._ ” 

She brushes one finger on the bruise above his cheekbone and Isak sees her eyes harden, darkening by several shades of blue, just like Even when he’s pissed off.  Her tone is flat when she says.

“ _This however wasn’t fun.  This was something else entirely._ ” 

Heidi is the most laid back person Isak knows but there’s steel in her and now she is furious.  Still she calmly prompts him again.

“ _So you guys hooked up with someone and ended up at the Bristol…_ ” 

He nods, morose once more, and sighs.

“ _It was chill at first… we… smoked some weed…_ ”  He feels guilty and quickly looks up.  She’s frowning.  Both of them know Even isn’t supposed to have any.  But she doesn’t say anything, waiting for him to continue.

“ _…then we… started playing… and everything was going great but then…_ ” 

He remembers the growing unease when he couldn’t see Even and the panic when Yassir wouldn’t stop.  He shudders and forces himself to go on.

“ _…Even was no longer around and the guy…_ ”  Heidi interrupts him again.

“ _What was his name?_ ”

“ _He said it was Yassir…_ ”  Isak snorts, bitter. “ _…but he could have been lying too…  Anyway he was on top of me and pinning me down…_ ” 

The images begin flashing in his mind; Yassir’s breath smelled of pot and whisky; ‘ _…I’ll show you how to be a good boy!_ ’  The taste of the guy’ spit on his lips… 

Isak’s head drops and he hides behind his hands.  And then Heidi is standing next to his chair so he turns and buries his face in her lap while she holds him.  At some point he cries out in her belly.

“ _Why didn’t he help me!?_ ”

 

Heidi shuts her eyes as her own tears start falling.  Isak is sobbing, clutching at her like he’s drowning and all she can do is keep stroking his hair.  She has no answer for him, this second son she has adopted, who loves her firstborn as much as she does.  And she is truly worried now.  When Even wakes out of his stupor, when he starts remembering… there’s no telling what will happen, what he will do.  So she makes a decision.  Very softly she says.

“ _Look at me Isak._ ”

When he looks up he is a mess, runny nose, eyes red and puffy.  So she caresses the side of his face that isn’t bruised.

“ _We need to see you to a hospital…_ ”  He’s shaking his head, he doesn’t want to be seen like this, but she insists.

“ _We need to know if there’s more damage…inside.  Did you guys use condoms?_ ” 

He scrounges his face then takes a deep breath.  His voice is small like a child’s when he replies.

“ _Even did but the other guy… I don’t… think so._ ”  And it is as she suspected.

“ _All the more reason to see a doctor..._ ” 

Isak is calming down now and he nods, seeing the logic behind her argument.  Heidi continues, more hesitant.

“ _I can’t go with you because of Even; he can’t be left alone right now.  And Kristian won’t be back until later tonight…_ ” she pauses, unsure how to say it “ _…but I’ll call someone I trust, to go with you and take you home when you’re done at the hospital.  Is that alright?_ ”

# Heidi

 

 

**5-17-2018 - 14:03PM**

 

Heidi has left Isak in the kitchen and now she’s rummaging through one of the drawers in the living room’s cabinet.  She’s looking for her personal phone book.  When she finds it she searches for a particular number.  She hasn’t called that number in over a year so it’s no longer saved in her own mobile.  The tone rings four, five, six times before there is an answer.

“ _This is Sonja._ ”  The tone is neutral, almost cold.

 **Heidi** : “ _Hallo Sonja, how are you?_ ”

 **Sonja** : “ _I’m fine… and you?_ ”  Now she definitely sounds impatient.

 **Heidi** : “ _Listen…  I need to ask you a favor…_ ”  Sonja sighs angrily.

 **Sonja** : “ _I’m sorry Heidi but if your son is running amok again I can’t help him.  He has a boyfriend for that now._ ” 

Heidi reigns in her temper remembering their breakup had been difficult for her.

 **Heidi** : “ _This isn’t about Even, not directly, and it’s important._ ”  Sonja sighs again but she doesn’t hang up.

 **Heidi** : “ _Even had a crisis last night…_ ” Sonja swears “ _…he’s fine… he’s sleeping it off now.  But… something happened to Isak…_ ”

Dead silence at the end of the line.  Sonja lets out a slow breath.

 **Sonja** : “ _What did Even do…_ ”  She sounds resigned.

 **Heidi** : “ _Nothing…_ ”fresh tears at the corners of Heidi’s eyes and she stifles a sob “ _…he did nothing…_ ”

 **Sonja** : “Heidi what is it?  What happened?”  She is alarmed.

 **Heidi** : “ _They… went out and hooked with some guy…_ ” she has to stop for a moment “ _…and I can only guess that Even was too zoned out… he did nothing to help when… when the other guy raped Isak._ ” 

Just saying those words cut into her.  Heidi could hear Sonja cursing, a long litany of it.

 **Sonja** : “ _Jesus Fucking Christ Heidi!_ ” a longer pause then “ _Ok! What do you need me to do?_ ”  Heidi closed her eyes and sighs in relief.

 **Heidi** : “ _Come here and take the boy to the hospital, stay with him until the doctors are finished then take him to his place._ ”  She thinks of something else.  “ _When Even comes around, if he sees Isak like this…_ ”

 **Sonja** : “ _Yea… I see what you mean…  How bad is it… for Isak I mean?_ ”

 **Heidi** : “ _His life is not in danger or anything but he’s pretty… shaken as you can imagine._ ”

 **Sonja** : “ _Alright I’m on my way._ ”

 **Heidi** : “ _Thank you Sonja._ ”

**************


	3. The Pack's cub

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People need people...

# Isak

 

 

**5-17-2018 - 20:14PM**

 

 

Isak is curled up on his bed, buried in another hoodie, feeling drowsy at last.  He can barely make out the voices of Sonja, Eskild and Noora talking in the living room.  He had been shocked when Sonja had showed up at the Bech Naesheim’s but he didn’t have the strength to protest when Heidi told him Even’s ex would drive him to the hospital.  There they had examined him, and taken pictures, and collected samples, and fed him loads of pills; preventive medicines for gonorrhea, chlamydia, and trichomonas, for hepatitis B and HIV.  He had to bend over and spread his legs while a female doctor examined his ass…  God if he could have disappeared right there…  But the worst had been the questions.  Having to go through the whole goddamn evening over and over… 

 

He can’t stop telling himself that if he’d paid more attention he would have seen the signs in Even sooner; or if they had simply gone home, they would have gotten each other off and none of that would have happened…  But the one question that keeps returning, buzzing in his mind like a fly is ‘ _why didn’t he help me?_ ’  Rationally he knows Even was manic last night, but why did he leave the bed… and the fun?  It’s like… he had lost interest and just dived into the playlist on his phone, tuning out everything else, not even aware that less than three meters from him some guy was abusing his own boyfriend.  That’s what hurts the most.  Isak’s eyes are filling up again.  He’s so fucking tired of crying!

 

 

**5-18-2018 - 8:36AM**

 

 

There is something knocking on wood in his dream.  And he wakes with a start in his room.  He looks around as the door opens.  Noora is smiling at him.  She’s carrying a tray loaded with food and coffee and orange juice.  Her voice is soft and precise as always.

“ _Hallo Isak!  I made breakfast and I thought we could have it together._ ”

He yawns and sits in his bed, rubbing at his eyes with a palm.  She has never been this nice to him; in fact he always thought she saw him as an annoyance.  So his own smile is shy when he replies.

“ _Hallo… yea… that’s chill._ ”

 

They both sit together in silence.  At first his only worry is about the food.  He’s starving.  He hasn’t had anything, other than the hot chocolate at Heidi’s, since… earlier Wednesday.  After wolfing down his third cheese toast he suddenly asks.

“ _Where’s Eskild?_ ”  She takes her time to sip her coffee before replying.

“ _He’s gone to speak with one of the waiters at Elsker…_ ”  She purses her red lips before continuing “ _they’re friends…_ ”  Isak rolls his eyes, more like fuck buddies alright.  Then a sudden thought.

“ _This early on a Friday morning though?!_ ”  She licks at her lips, careful not to damage her lipstick.  Her luminous grey eyes peer into Isak’s and she says.

“ _He wants to find out who this guy is… the one you met the other night…_ ”  Isak goes still.  Oh fuck no! Then he focuses back on Noora, staring at her angrily.

“ _I didn’t ask for help!  I want to forget about that shit!_ ”  She simply smirks and slowly shakes her silver bangs.

“ _You don’t know Eskild that well then…_ ”  She takes another sip and puts down her cup.  Then she brushes Isak’s arm, squeezing lightly.

“ _Behind all the fluff and glam Eskild is someone who cares a great deal about his friends… and especially for you Isak…_ ”  There’s a lump forming in his throat again so he swallows and she goes on.

“ _He told me how he found you alone, over two years ago, crying in a corner at Elsker’s…  Ever since then he’s looked out for you.  He calls you his... ‘gay baby brother’…_ ” 

Isak wipes one arm over his eyes, unable to speak.  Noora doesn’t blink when she adds.

“ _He will find out who did this and then we’ll nail the asshole._ ” 

Then after a while she lets out a guilty laugh and looks up at him, on hand hiding her mouth. 

“ _Can you imagine when Vilde and Sana learn about all this?_ ” 

He closes his eyes, groaning.  Yea he could just imagine.  He takes Noora’s hand, pleading.

“ _I don’t want anyone to know.  Promise me!_ ” 

He chews on his lips and his voice is trembling when he goes on.

“ _I’m so… ashamed!_ ” 

And more tears again…  When did he become such a freaking pussy?!?  Noora’s voice cuts through his misery as she puts both hands on his shoulders.

“ _Listen to me Isak…_ ”  He looks up and her eyes are diamond hard. “ _…the only one who should be ashamed is that son of a bitch…_ ”  Then she takes a deep breath and begins to tell him a story.

 

“ _When I was with William something happened with his brother Nico…_ ”

Isak is startled by the confession and she goes on, carefully choosing her words.

“ _…I was looking for William one day so I went to his place and Nico was there, having a party with some friends…_ ” her tongue darts out and brushes her lips “ _…I was upset and Nico spoke to me.  He was so full of sympathy…_ ”

She allows herself a rueful little smile.

“ _…he offered a drink, then another… after that I blanked out…_ ” 

Another private smile, sour this time.

“ _…I woke the next day in William’s bed, without any clothes on, with Nico next to me, also naked, and another girl next to him, naked as well…_ ”

Isak looks at Noora like he’s never seen her before.  Her cheeks begin to flush pink and she smothers a giggle, visibly embarrassed.

“ _It’s not what you think!_ ”

 

When it was a thing everyone at Nissen knew about William and Noora’s rocky relationship but this…  He shakes his head in amazement yet stays quiet and she resumes her tale.

“ _Alcohol doesn’t agree with me... I tend to blank out like that._ ”

She grimaces.

“ _Anyway, I kept trying to remember but there was nothing…  then a couple of days later I got a text from Nico, with a nude picture of me and a snarky comment about being a naughty girl…_ ”

Isak is just staring now, completely rapt.  When she speaks again he can see the memory is still painful.

“ _I… freaked out, like totally…  I stayed in bed, I wouldn’t eat, I yelled at Eskild and Linn for nothing and I only dragged myself to school because I had to…  But what I dreaded most was William finding out…_ ” 

She sighs and looks beyond him for a moment.  Isak realizes she still has feelings for her ex.

“ _In the end I spoke with a third year girl, the one who was in bed with us.  It was her who told me that nothing had happened with Nico.  I had undressed myself and climbed in William’s bed on my own…  The only thing Nico did was take that picture._ ”

She’s looking intently at him now.

“ _So I have an idea about how you’re feeling right now Isak..._ ”  She looks hesitant, unsure if she should go on.  “ _…but what you went through is far worse than what happened to me…_ ”  

Isak looks down at the striped bedcover.  ‘ _I’ll show you how to be a good boy!_ ’  He shudders and wraps his arms around his body.  And then Noora is next to him, putting her small arm around his shoulder.  She whispers in his hair.

“ _We’re all there for you._ ”

 

 

**5-18-2018 - 16:41PM**

 

 

Isak stirs at the insistent buzz nearby.  For a second he wonders where he is then he remembers dozing off while listening to some Nas.  He gropes around until he finds his phone.  **16:42** – Wow he’s slept most of the afternoon!  He swipes his thumb on the screen, the call is from Heidi.

 

 **Isak** : “ _Hallo Heidi_ ”

 **Heidi** : “ _How are you today sweetie?_ ”  He clears his throat.

 **Isak** : “ _I’m ok… I was a just asleep…  How is Even?_ ”  She sighs.

 **Heidi** : “ _Sleeping and when he wakes he goes for the bathroom then back in bed…_ ” 

He doesn’t really want to but feels he should ask.

 **Isak** : “ _Do you want me to come over?_ ”

 **Heidi** : “ _No… like I said all he does is sleep right now…_ ” a long pause _“…and… I don’t think he should see you until the bruises are healed…_ ”

He lets out a slow breath. 

 **Heidi** : “ _Are you ok with that?_ ”  Why does he feel so relieved?

 **Isak** : “ _Yea… you’re probably right…_ ”  Then he thinks of something else.

 **Isak** : “ _If you speak with Sonja… can you tell her… thank you for me?_ ”  He could call her himself but somehow it would feel awkward.

 **Heidi** : “ _I will…  How are you feeling?_ ”  He coughs.

 **Isak** : “ _I try not to think about it…  My roommates… they want me to go to the police…_ ”

If he goes to file a report they will want to question Even and his boyfriend is not in a state for that right now.  Heidi must be thinking the same thing for she is very circumspect when she says.

 **Heidi** : “ _Yes… I think you should… but it’s your decision._ ”  In fact he doesn’t know what to do.

 **Isak** : “ _I don’t know… I need time…_ ”  There’s a note of gratitude in her voice when she responds.

 **Heidi** : “ _I understand..._ ”  She waits a few more seconds before adding.

 **Heidi** :  “ _Well I’ll let you go and… if you need to talk you call me alright?_ ”  He smiles.

 **Isak** :  “ _I will and… thanks Heidi!_ ”

 **Heidi** : “ _Good night Isak._ ”

 

 

**5-18-2018 - 17:03PM**

 

 

There’s a lot of noise coming from the kitchen, as if several people are talking at once.  Linn is at her folks in Fredrikstad so he wouldn’t be surprised if Eskild had decided to throw a party.  Or perhaps he’s brought a guy home for dinner.  Isak groans in his mind.  He has to take a piss but he doesn’t want to see or talk to anyone.  He shuffles as he turns on himself, looking around his room, not knowing what to do.  Eventually his bladder simply commands him to move.  So he pulls up the hood of his green sweater and tries to make as little noise as possible when he unlatches the door.  He tiptoes towards the bathroom and gets in before whoever is in the kitchen notices him.  He lets out a contended sigh as he does his business then proceeds to wash his hands.  The noise beyond increases and a rumble in his stomach echoes back.  He’s actually quite hungry; he hasn’t had anything since the breakfast with Noora.  But that can wait until later, when his flat mates are out or asleep.

 

Isak practically jumps out of his sweatpants when he opens the door and sees Eskild slanting against the opposite wall.  His arms are folded on his chest and he is smirking.

“ _Jesus Christ Eskild!  You almost gave me a heart attack!_ ” 

The older boy completely ignores Isak’s tone and says.

“ _I knew I heard something.  And that meant my little buddy was out of his man cave at last._ ”

Man cave!  Jesus!  He snorts, trying not to grin, and fails.  Eskild’s own smile widens.  How does he always manage to look so smug?

“ _Are you hungry?_ ”  Eskild asks. 

Another low growl from Isak’s belly is his answer.  Ever practical, his ‘guru’ nods and extends one arm with a flourish towards the kitchen.

“ _Well then you can help us fix dinner._ ” 

Eskild doesn’t wait for him and moves back towards the noisy room at the end of the hallway.

 

It’s only when he nears the kitchen that Isak recognizes the voices.  He stops dead in his tracks.  The whole fucking girly pack is in there!  And he knows why too.  Jesus Fuck!  He had told Noora he didn’t want anyone to know.  And she had gone ahead and spilt everything to the others!  Or perhaps it was Eskild?  Yea that would be more like him.  He feels like punching something; instead he turns on his heels and stomps back toward his room.  A few minutes later there are three sharp knocks on his door.  Isak throws a pillow at it and yells.

“ _ **I DON’T WANT TO SEE ANYONE!**_ ”

The door springs open and there stands Sana; she’s wearing a pale orange hijab today.  And she’s actually glaring at him, in his own fucking bedroom!    One eyebrow goes up as she notices the discarded pillow.  She purses her lips and picks it up.  Then she throws it back at him saying.

“ _How old are you Isak?  Six?_ ”  He can’t believe this!  So he looks away to avoid biting back something really nasty.  But Sana isn’t finished yet.

“ _You’re pouting now._ ”

“ _For fuck sake I’m not pouting!_ ” 

She looks at him, contemptuous.  Her voice is harsh when she retorts.

“ _Then man up and grow a pair!_ ” 

His eyes widen in outrage.  She might as well have slapped him.  He jumps off the bed and towers over her.  He raises one fist next to his face.  His knuckles white from trying not to hit her, in fact his whole body is shaking.  Who the fuck is she to tell him to man up after what happened… 

 

There is no fear in her eyes, more than that, a secret smile is forming on her heart shaped lips and she nods.  Isak exhales gradually and he relaxes when he realizes Sana had goaded him on purpose; she wanted him angry... but why?  Then she manages to shock him all over again when she reaches up and clasp his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her.  Her voice is heavy with sympathy when she whispers.

“ _I understand Isak…_ ”

Their eyes lock, green fire doused in those soft brown pools.  And in them Isak recognizes the same bitter shame and behind that the same boiling rage.  It hits him like a ton of bricks and he gasps.  She acknowledges his insight with the barest of nod and hisses.

“ _Keep that anger…  Bury it deep so it doesn’t consume you but keep it alive.  You’ll need it._ ”

Then all of a sudden he feels the urge to hug her but this is Sana we’re talking about so he just lets himself slump back on the bed.  She tilts her head and peers at him before she says.

“ _I know you don’t want to talk about this.  I know you’re afraid of their questions, and of breaking down in front of everyone… but you can’t hide in here forever._ ”  He looks up at her.

“ _Does… anyone else know… for you?_ ” 

She merely shakes her head.  She won’t say anymore so he drops the matter.  Then the frown is back on her brow and her tone is brisk when she prompts.

“ _Come, the girls have slaved most of the afternoon to make your favorite dishes so don’t leave them hanging._ ”

He rolls his eyes but stands up and follows her out.

 

 

**5-18-2018 - 19:41PM**

 

 

When he walks into the kitchen behind Sana the girls all smile.  Eva approaches and hugs him close without saying anything.  Then Vilde shyly pecks his cheek, the one without a bruise, and says in a small voice.

“ _I’m so sorry._ ”

He feels like tearing up again so he makes a face at her and jokes.

“ _Why?  Did you botch your recipe?  I’m starving here!_ ”  But he squeezes her shoulder to show he’s grateful for the thought.  Then something occurs to him as he looks around the kitchen.

“ _Where is girl Chris?_ ”

Vilde makes a slashing movement with her left hand and something flashes in her large blue eyes.

“ _Don’t get me started!_ ”

Eva chimes in.

“ _She’s with Kasper again…_ ”  And Vilde who doesn’t want to get started – starts.

“ _Honestly how many meets has she missed because she can’t unglue herself from Kasper?  I swear they’re like drug addicts!_ ”

Sana looks at the blond girl and points out.

“ _Sounds like someone I know._ ”

Vilde’s ponytail shakes a denial.

“ _That’s not the same thing at all!  I like Magnus a lot but I don’t need to be around him every second of every minute of every hour of the day!_ ”

 

 It turns out the dinner was actually pretty nice.  And Sana wasn’t kidding about the food.  Noora had made lapskaus with sausages.  Eva had cooked meatballs with mashed potatoes and Spanish sauce.  And Vilde would take care of the dessert, Isak’s absolute favorite, blueberry pancakes!  He doesn’t say much during most of the meal, simply enjoying the banter going back and forth between everyone.  It’s pretty much like his own meets with Jonas and the boys.  Sometimes Eskild jabs in a sly comment that has one or several of the girls screeching in outrage and Isak laughs out loud at the circus.  It feels good to laugh.

 

 

**5-18-2018 - 21:22PM**

 

 

After the table is cleared, and while Noora is making coffee, Sana returns from the living room with her laptop which she opens in front of her.  Then she looks up at Eskild.

“ _Did you get anything from your friend?_ ”

Isak frowns, suddenly curious as he watches Eskild nods and hand her a USB key.  She plugs it in and begins browsing the content.  Everyone gathers around her so he rises from his chair and joins them.  When he recognizes what he’s looking at his head jerks up and he stares at Eskild, who flashes him an impish grin and says.

“ _Security feeds from last Wednesday at Elsker’s._ ” 

WTF!  It’s like he’s in a Narcos episode or something.  Sana, who apparently has decided she’s in control of this ‘mission’, abruptly asks.

“ _What time was it when you and Even got there?_ ”  He had been pretty tipsy…  He shrugs and replies.

“ _I don’t know… perhaps 23:00-23:30?_ ”

She closes the current files and skips over several more until she opens another series, properly time-stamped.  After a while Isak’s breath catches and he says.

“ _Stop!_ ”  Sana looks up at him.

“ _Backtrack four no… five frames._ ”  The picture had been taken from above the dance floor.  There, three guys sitting at a table, having a drink.  One of them has a yellow shirt.  He closes his eyes and shivers then he points.

“ _…that one there… in yellow._ ”

Everyone leans forward, examining the screen.  Isak is no longer watching.  He’s lost in memories when Vilde squawks.

“ _There!  It’s Isak and Even!_ ”  

He focuses back on the screen and there he is, in his red uniform, lounging on Even against that column.  Fuck!  It’s so weird how this feels like it happened to someone else!  Several frames later he sees himself facing Yassir with Even standing between them.  He shudders again when he recalls the hunger in the guy’s eyes…  He snaps out of the vision when Sana announces.

“ _All right we’ve got enough to start._ ”  She gazes at Isak, curious.

“ _How old would you say he was?_ ”  He makes a face and shrugs again.

“ _I don’t know… anywhere between 25 and 30 I guess…_ ”  She looks pensive for a moment.

“ _So… from ’87 to ’92…  What about his name?_ ”

“ _He said Yassir…_ ”  She frowns at this.

“ _Pakistani?_ ”  Isak shrugs a third time.

“ _That’s what he said…_ ”  She nods again then thinks of something else.

“ _Where did you go after you guys hooked up?_ ”  Isak licks his lips, suddenly uncomfortable.

“ _Hum… the Bristol…_ ”

“ _What time?_ ”

“ _Urg… past midnight…  Look we were drunk!_ ”  She ignores that and presses on.

“ _What room?_ ”  He sighs.

“ _603 I think…_ ”  Sana now turns to Noora.

“ _You’ll have to go there and verify with the front desk.  We need to know who signed the check-in._ ”  Noora silently agrees.  This is so fucking surreal!  He raises both hands and stutters.

“ _Guys… this… Look there’s no need for any of this!  I mean…_ ”  He’s searching for the right words. “ _…I appreciate what you’re trying to do but… it’s done and Even and I are both ok…_ ”

All of them, Eskild, Eva, Noora, Vilde and Sana, stare at him as if he is some sort of simpleton.  He actually winces.  It is Noora who breaks the silence.

“ _Isak... if this guy did this to you… who says it didn’t happen before with someone else?  Or that it won’t happen again?_ ”  They all mutter their approval and then Sana’s voice cuts through all this.

“ _What I really want to know is where Even was when this_ ” she gestures at the yellowing marks on his face “ _…was happening?_ ”

Isak’s heart misses a beat and he stares at her, feeling trapped.  Her eyebrows shoot up as if saying ‘Well?’  He shakes his head.  Ok this is really getting awkward.  He chomps at his lips.  What is he supposed to say here?!  So he blurts out.

“ _I don’t know!!!  He was manic!_ ” As if that could explain everything!  The truth is - that’s the one question that’s really eating at him.

Vilde looks at him, wide eyed as usual and says.

“ _Can I ask a question Isak?_ ”  He shrugs.  She takes that as a yes.

“ _Did you fight back?_ ”  He looks away. 

That’s when Eskild points out, as a matter of fact.

“ _Vilde, Isak is a bottom._ ” 

Isak flushes bright red and glares at his older roommate.

“ _Jesus Christ Eskild!_ ”

Why the hell can’t he just shut up!?  Eskild looks unfazed.

“ _What?  There’s nothing wrong with that!  I bottom too sometimes._ ”

All the girls are trying hard not to giggle now, except for Vilde who looks at them, confused, and asks.

“ _What’s a bottom?_ ”

Eva, Noora and Sana all burst out laughing at once while Eskild is biting his upper lip not to join them.  Isak just hides behind his hands.  This isn’t happening.  When the hilarity finally subsides Eskild goes in full ‘guru’ mode on Vilde.

“ _When two guys have sex one is the pitcher and the other is the catcher.  The catcher is a bottom._ ”

Isak peers through his fingers and sees Vilde’s eyes go round.  She turns to him and exclaims.

“ _So you’re the woman then!_ ” 

 

Another explosion of laughter around the table; Eva is crying from it and Noora is all red in the face. Isak wants to scream in frustration and throw things at Eskild.  Instead he looks down, breathing hard.  He’ll never be able to live that one down.  He almost jumps when Sana pats his forearm, smiling fondly at him and says.

“ _Don’t worry, what happens in the pack stays in the pack._ ”  Then she turns to Vilde and stares at her pointedly.

“ _Right Vilde?_ ”

“ _What?_ ”

“ _You mustn’t tell any of this to Magnus._ ” 

The blond girl looks at once annoyed and guilty when she snaps.

“ _I don’t prattle about pack business Sana!_ ”  Then she glances at Isak and adds.

“ _You didn’t answer my question though…_ ”

Isak closes his eyes and swallows.  When he looks back at Vilde there’s nothing but honest concern there so he lets out a slow breath and he forces himself to reply.

“ _I tried… but the guy was taller and bigger than Even… and he was on top of me… with his hand on my throat…_ ”  He feels Yassir’s hand choking him, cramming his head in the pillow…  ‘I’ll show you how to be a good boy!’ 

Isak opens the collar of his sweater so they could all see the dark purple marks around his neck.  Vilde’s eyes become even wider.  She blinks away tears and murmurs.

“ _My god…_ ”

His vision blurs as he looks at them in turn.  Eskild’s face is red again but this time it’s because he’s mad; his jaw is clenched and his steel blue eyes are swimming.  Eva’s mouth hangs open and a single tear runs down her cheek.  Noora is shaking her head and she can’t look him in the eyes.  Only Sana is dried eyed when she clasps his hand in her warm one.  Her voice is cold though, and hard when she says.

“ _We will find that dog Isak… and he will pay for this._ ”

 

**********


	4. Broken Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens when an Angel stares into the Abyss?

# Even

 

 

**5-19-2018 – 7:16AM**

 

 

Even’s eyes are unfocused as they roam the familiar sights of his childhood bedroom.  The fading grey tartan eyelet curtains; a poster of Zeffirelli’s ‘Romeo & Juliet’, with Olivia Hussey and Leonard Whiting, his first crushes when he was eight years old; a framed picture of River Phoenix in ‘My Own Private Idaho’, sitting on a bench next to a yellow flower, looking up cynical and defiant – another crush, when he was fourteen; stacks of old CDs in the bookshelf above the desk facing him; a forgotten sketchbook on the third sill and next to it the small black leather box Anders, his first boyfriend, had given him when he was fifteen.  In it there was a wooden disk, burned with their names on each side.  A despondent little smile comes upon him.

 

Even’s eyes fall on the brown envelope dropped open on the desk; his letter of acceptance from Tisch.*1  He’s carried it with him everywhere since it arrived almost three weeks ago, just after Isak’s Russefeiring began.  Isak…  An image of his boyfriend straddling that guy flares in his mind but he shakes it away.

 

When he had told him, early in February, about his application to the renowned NYU School, Isak had been… cautiously enthusiastic.  He can still see the fixed smile on his beloved face, the doubts in his eyes.  Then Even remembers joking it was only a long shot at best; he sees himself scoffing at the idea a leftover fourth year could get in where Woddy Allen, Scorcese and Ang Lee had studied.  And yet… what he hadn’t mentioned was the colossal amount of work he’d put in preparing the portfolio that went with his application form.  Being a director is something he’s wanted for as long as he can recall…  He sighs …all those weekend afternoons spent watching old movies with Mom…

 

Still… he’s been accepted now; which means he has to be in New York City by late August.  He hadn’t had the balls to tell Isak yet – not while his boyfriend was celebrating his graduation.  And the anxiety of it, the moment when he’ll finally have to break the news, has been eating at him the whole time.  As a matter of fact he’s been irritable and short tempered ever since receiving the bloody letter.  Soon… he’ll have to tell him soon but… after the other night…  He shuts his eyes and strangles a whimper in his pillow.  WHY?  Why did he do it?  Why did he badger Isak into this?

 

And then he’s back there, standing in a cloud of pot, leering as he shoots the scene moving on the bed with his fingers, another blunt hanging from his lips.

Snap – a damp curl plastered on Isak’s forehead. 

Snap – his eyes are glazed and barely open. 

Snap - the sheen of sweat on his upper lips. 

Snap – his tongue licking at the corner of his mouth. 

Even strokes himself with each caption.  So that’s what his baby looks like when they make love… so fucking hot!  Isak smiles at him and their gazes lock.  Behind the lust there’s love and behind that something else… gratitude?  As if he’s been offered a gift.  Even remembers the tingling sensation that came over him at that moment.  Is that what it was; him gifting his boyfriend with that other dude whose name he can’t recall?  Loving Isak through a proxy?

 

He can’t see from the tears.  He remembers the awful thought that slunk its way through his mind then.

‘He doesn’t need me…’ and then, crushing him ‘You did this, you made it happen.’

And suddenly he couldn’t watch any longer.  So he grabbed his jacket on the floor and fished out his phone and earplugs, then he moved as far away from the bed as he could.  He slouched in that chair facing the night beyond while Nas blasted in his ears.

 

_“Looks like the death of me now_

_But you know, there's no turning back now_

_This is what makes me; this is what I am_

_You can hate me now…”_

 

And when the noise coming from the bed increased he jacked up the volume to the max.  He didn’t want to look or ear anything anymore.  Not when his Isak was enjoying himself with someone else.

‘You did this…’

 

His left hand balls into a fist and he slams it into the wall facing the bed.  And in his mind he screams or perhaps he’s actually screaming out loud.

“ _YOU PIECE OF SHIT!_ ”

Slam.

“ _COWARD!_ ”

Slam.

“ _WORTHLESS ASSHOLE!_ ”

 

And then his father is there, grabbing his arm.  His hand is numb.

“ _That’s enough Even!_ ”  Pappa’s voice with that tone that is final.

When he looks up he can barely make out his dad’s face.  A sob wrenches out of him.

“ _I’m broken pappa.  I can’t… take this anymore._ ”

His father lifts him of the bed by the shoulders as he sits and takes him into his arms.  His charcoal sweater smells of coffee and cigarettes.  Then he gently pushes Even’s head on his chest.  He strokes his hair and says.

“ _I loved you the moment Heidi showed you to me._ ”  Even moans and Kristian continues.

“ _You are not broken Even.  What you are is my son, more precious than anything in my life._ ”  Even begins trembling and his father tightens his grip.

“ _You’re smart and funny… you’re honest and you wear your heart on your sleeve.  You’re one of the bravest persons I know._ ”  Even moans again and cries out.

“ _No I’m not!_ ”  His father starts rocking and says.

“ _Whatever happened is done now, we can’t undo it.  All we can do is climb back.  And I’m right there with you pup.  I won’t let you down._ ”

The dam inside him opens and Even lets everything out.

 

 

**5-19-2018 – 11:46AM**

 

 

He comes around because of the scratching.  He rubs his eyes open and sees his dad sitting in the chair near the door.  Kristian is reading through one of the old scrapbooks Even used to draw in when he was in lower high school.  They were like a personal journal but made mostly of sketches.  He watches his father turning the pages.  Sometimes he stops and his mouth purses.  Anyone who isn’t familiar with him would think his dad dislikes whatever he’s looking at.  But Even knows better.  Pappa makes that face whenever he’s amused by something.  He clears his throat and Kristian looks above the rim of his thin silver glasses.  The sea foam eyes are creased when he says.

“ _You made Anders’ dad the nurse!?_ ”

Ah yes.  He had drawn that before Anders was sent away.  The Romeos.

Even shrugs and produces a tired little smile.    

“ _Who else could he be?  The bastard never stops whining._ ”

“ _Are you hungry?_ ”  Kristian says.

Not really.  He should be since he’s had nothing but some soup in the last two foggy days but he just wants to sleep again.  At least when he sleeps he doesn’t think.  Then something occurs to him and he asks.

“ _Where’s mom?_ ”

His dad closes the scrapbook and puts it on the desk before he replies.

“ _Out for a walk and to get some food for dinner._ ” 

Kristian looks at him and adds.

“ _Come on, you need to eat something.  And you could use a shower too._ ”

Even smells himself.  Yeah he’s turning rank alright.  And that’s when he notices the bandage tightly wrapped around the knuckles of his left hand.  Dad sounds amused when he comments.

“ _Nothing’s broken, except for the wall._ ”

Even looks up and sees the bloody fractures in the plaster.  Ouch.  And now Kristian stands next to the bed and claps in his hands.

“ _Alright time to move.  Up!_ ”  Even groans.  He won’t escape it.  Then dad adds, pointing at the dressing.

“ _When you’re done in the shower we’ll have to put a fresh one.  And in the mean time I’ll make us some sandwiches._ ”

Even snorts as he slowly rises from the bed.  He stares back at his father and both his eyebrow shoots up.

“ _Dad… that’s the only thing you can make!_ ”

And Kristian deadpans.

“ _True.  But I’m very good at it._ ”

 

 

**5-19-2018 – 12:57PM**

 

 

Even shuffles into the kitchen, yawning.  His mom’s favorite color is green and almost everything in the room is one shade of it or another.  And she’s very possessive about it too.  He remembers that time when they had replaced the busted microwave.  He was sitting at the table nursing a cup of tea when she opened the box.  He made a snide comment.

“ _More green?_ ”

She looked up and smiled, indulgent.

“ _This isn’t green Even – this is fern._ ”

 

Now his father is busy on the counter, putting together one of his ‘famous’ smørrebrøds.*2 When he hears him Kristian glances his way.  Dad rarely smiles with his mouth, but he does it a lot with his eyes.  They’re creased again when he says.

“ _I was beginning to think you’d drowned in there._ ”

He had stayed a long time under the water.  His hair is still damp and he has to admit it feels good to be clean.  He doesn’t reply and just drops on a chair at the table. 

 

Kristian approaches with a roll of gauze, some tape, scissors and a tube of antibiotic salve.  He gestures for Even to turn and face him.  He takes his son’s hand and studies the scraped knuckles for a second before applying some of the ointment with his thumb.  Then he bandages the wrist and rapidly moves in diagonal, looping back and forth until the whole area is secured under a stretch of tape.  Very efficient. 

‘Well he wouldn’t be much of a doctor if he didn’t know the basics now would he?’

 

It doesn’t take much longer after that before there’s a plate in front of him.  Even takes in the open sandwich.  There’s rye bread, butter, Nøkkelost*3 with slices of hard boiled eggs, tomatoes and cold roast beef.  He makes a rude noise and dad states, munching through his own bread.

“ _Your job is to eat at least half of it._ ” 

Even sighs and picks up his fork, pricking at a bit of tomatoes and some eggs, which he shoves into his mouth, chewing before he swallows.  In truth he doesn’t taste most of it.  This is just something he has to do.

 

He’s fixating on a whorl in the table’s wood when dad says in a blank voice.

“ _Do you want to talk about it?_ ”

He knows what his father is trying to do.  He can hear Mathias, his psychiatrist, saying in a mild tone.

‘…after an episode it’s important to spell it out with someone you trust.’

He doesn’t respond for a while and when he does his reply is oblique.

“ _I got the reply from NYU…_ ”

Dad is silent for several seconds before he answers.

“ _I saw.  Does that mean you’ve been accepted?_ ”

Even nods.

“ _But you haven’t told Isak yet… right?_ ”

Is he like an open book or what?  Kristian’s voice falls on him again.

“ _You wanted to wait until his Russefeiring was over…_ ” 

He can only nod again, glum.

“ _But the anxiety built up until you were triggered…_ ”

“ _Yea..._ ”

He watches his father rubs a thumb on his right temple.

“ _Did you take all your lithium in the last three weeks?_ ”

No he hadn’t, especially in the last crazy stretch.

“ _No._ ”

“ _Did you smoke weed?_ ” 

Even grimaces and tries a dodge.

“ _You can’t pass up weed during Russefeiring…_ ”

Kristian is frowning.  He is not amused but he let it slides and asks.

“ _So what happened on Wednesday?_ ”

Even hesitates.  But then he thinks. ‘If I can’t trust my own dad, whom do I trust?’  So he answers, slowly at first.

“ _I wanted…  I wanted to have a threesome…_ ”

“ _And Isak was ok with the plan?_ ”

“ _Yea…_ ” 

His boyfriend was more than willing in fact.

 

That’s one thing with Isak he’s always found amusing, and sometimes aggravating.  Under all the cheekiness he is a cautious guy.  Whenever he’s faced with something or someone he’s not familiar with he takes his time to observe and analyze whatever it is from all angles.  But when he makes a decision about it then he moves very quickly; to either grab it, or get away from it.

 

So yea they had talked a few times about having sex with another guy.  Even almost feels like grinning at the thought of a 3way with a girl.  His baby was a guys-only type; no interest in women whatsoever.  Still Even knew Isak was curious about the idea of a threesome, but he hadn’t pressed.  Quite frankly there was no need since he was as enthralled with him as he had been that first time in Isak’s flat.  And many jaws would drop if they knew how much of a glutton his cute geek truly was in bed.  It’s a fucking shame he decided he wanted this on that night of all nights. 

‘And whose fault is that heh Bech Naesheim?’

 

 

“ _Even?_ ”

He jerks back to the moment and looks at his dad.

“ _Sorry I didn’t hear that…_ ”

“ _Why do you think you wanted this?_ ”

“ _I thought… it would be neat to see Isak... from the outside… you know?_ ”

Dad’s eyes are closing.  He’s getting vexed.  Still he breathes out and says.

“ _That’s not the real reason Even… try harder…_ ”  Fuck!

“ _I’m afraid…_ ”

“ _…of what?_ ”  Even sighs.

“ _…that when I tell him about Tisch… he’s gonna bail on me…_ ”

He rakes through his thick mop of hair, searching for the right words.

“ _It’s one thing… to think your boyfriend might possibly be away for three or four years…_ ”

Kristian finishes for him.

“ _…but quite another to know that he will…_ ”

His father shakes his head and looks at him, completely serious.

“ _Were you trying to provoke a breakup with that threesome?_ ”

 

Even is floored, incapable of looking away from his dad’s penetrating stare.  Why would he do such a thing?  He’s never loved anyone like he loves his boy.  Sometimes it frightens him.  He often thinks of his life as a deep ocean, always in motion, with him as a ship on the waves, and Isak is the port he comes back to; the anchor that grounds him.  Nothing comes close to matching his passion for his boyfriend except… his wanting to be a director…

 

He lets out a hollow breath and the whole evening flashes in his mind again.  The party at Jonas’, the club, the hotel… Him taking snapshots of the ‘fun’… Him controlling the scene…  Everything is blurry all of a sudden and he realizes his father is right. 

If he was to lose Isak he would do it on his own terms. 

A part of Even marvels at how well his dad knows him.  And there’s another corner that feels the urge to spill out everything.  He wipes his eyes dry and focuses back on his father who goes on.

“ _Who says you have to choose between him and New York?_ ”

Even doesn’t know the answer to that one so he shrugs.  Dad persists.

“ _You haven’t even talked to him yet…_ ” then he pauses, weighting his next words

“ _…and you seem to forget Isak also has a say in all this… and that he loves you a great deal…_ ”

Even smiles sadly as he tears up again.  In his mind he replies.

‘I know pappa… I just can’t believe I deserve it.’

Dad clears his throat and his voice is hesitant when he asks.

 “ _Isak told your mom that… at some point you moved away from… the action.  Why?_ ”

Even sees himself again, his jaw clenching as he picked up his phone.  He bites his lips, downcast, and says.

“ _I just… couldn’t stand it anymore…_ ”  He stays quiet for a minute then goes on. “ _…I thought… he didn’t need me…_ ”

 

When he looks up his father is shaking his head and staring at him with such sorrow in his eyes!  The last time he’d seen that look was when Mor*4, his own mother had died.  Even cringes away from it.  And everything turns to yellow bile in his mind.

‘Sorry pappa; I may be your precious son but it’s a broken son you have.  And when you’re broken that’s what you do; you hurt and disappoint everyone around you.’

His father comes to stand behind the chair and squeezes Even’ shoulders.  Then he bends over and whispers in his hair.

“ _I love you pup; and you mom loves you; and Isak loves you.  You remember that ok?_ ”

 

 

**********

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was difficult to write for despite being an 'insensitive (inserts expletive here)' I kept starvistars' words in mind.
> 
> \-----
> 
> 1- NYU Tisch School of the Arts.  
> 2- Literally - ‘Open Sandwich’ or ‘Open Face Sandwich’.  
> 3- ‘Key Cheese’ in Norwegian – flavored with cumin and cloves.  
> 4- Abbreviated or familiar version of ‘bestemor’- the paternal grand-mother.


	5. The Abyss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Downward spiral

#  **Even**

 

 

**5-20-2018 – 15:34PM**

 

 

He’s relaxing on the wide sofa under a blanket, looking at the still image of a smiling Di Caprio in Luhrmann’s “ _Gatsby_ ”.  Nobody does party scenes like Luhrmann… there so much life in them; and the way he plays with colors!  That’s the kind of movies he wants to make, movies that leave people wanting to be giddy, no matter what the critics may say.

 

Mom has a tray in her hands when she returns from the kitchen.  She puts it down on the table in front of them then she pours for both.  Lemon and ginger whiff closer.  She tousles his hair and he rises just enough so she can sit next to him.  He lies back down, his head on her lap.  She smells of rosemary.  Dad is at the clinic until later tonight so it’s just the two of them, like old times.  She takes a sip and says.

“ _Did you call or text him yet?_ ”

He looks up at her.  He had inherited three things from his father: his tall lanky frame, even though dad is taller by a bit; his thick mop of hair, even though dad had been deep red once; and his keen sense for irony.  Everything else came from Mom; the shape of his face, his lips, his eyes, his hair color… and the way he felt things.

He shakes no and she sighs.  Then she brushes a strand of hair from his forehead.

“ _Kristian told me about your talk yesterday…_ ”

He stays silent so she continues.

“ _And he’s right you know.  There’s no need to choose…_ ” 

She smiles down yet there’s so much sadness in her eyes.

“ _I know you have a hard time believing you deserve to be loved…_ ”

He swallows, unable to reply.

“ _…and you keep blaming yourself because of your condition…_ ”

He shies away from her gaze.  Sometimes sympathy feels worse than insults.

“ _...but being bipolar is not all that you are, not even close…_ ”

He lets out a long breath and clears his throat.

“ _I know mom… it’s just…_ ”  He shakes his head in frustration.

“ _…I hate not knowing what shit I’ll end up doing…  I hate losing control!_ ”

Her fingers comb through his hair and she replies.

“ _Even you already know you can manage this, and how, but that works only if you do what is required of course._ ”

There it is: motherly reproach.  But since she’s right he swallows his annoyance in a huff.

And her life lesson isn’t quite over yet. 

“ _There are things you can control in life… and others you shouldn’t even try to…_ ”  There’s a soft clap on his right cheek, a mild rebuke.

“ _…like presuming to know how your boyfriend will react when you speak to him hmm?_ ”

He gives a halfhearted snort.  And she’s right again.  Suddenly she asks, genuinely curious.

“ _What do you think of Isak exactly?  I mean how do you see him, not the lover but the person?_ ” 

He looks up again.  That came out of the blue! 

 

He doesn’t quite know how to respond to that.  Whenever he thinks about Isak there are always dozens of sensations that spring at once in his mind.  There are memories of moments spent together, images of his smile or his eyes, the woody scent of the body wash he uses, the taste of his sweaty skin when they make love, the sound of his laughter… 

How do you sum up the mosaic that is a person into a few words?

Sensitive, cautious, caring, loyal, curious, determined, clever, playful…

Sincere!

Beneath everything else Isak is someone who wants, no, who needs to be true to himself and to those he cares about.

He smiles shyly at his mom and says.

“ _Isak is the most earnest person I’ve ever met._ ” 

She smiles back and nods before she replies.

“ _That’s why he speaks to your heart Even… because you are just as honest as he is._ ” 

She tilts her head before she adds.

“ _Trust that if you don’t trust anything else._ ”

 

He sits straight and picks up his cooling cup, tasting the lukewarm brew.  Say what you will about moms and their fussing but he wouldn’t exchange hers for anyone else.  She had that rare gift to calm whatever waters he was sailing on, just like Isak.

He felt closer to his usual self when he turned to her and asked.

“ _Do you think I should call him over for dinner?_ ”

She was about to take a sip and stopped mid movement.

“ _I think… it might be a better idea if you waited some more…_ ”

He frowns at this.

“ _Why?  Both you and Dad practically urged me to speak with him…_ ”

Mom shakes her head before glancing his way.

“ _Speaking doesn’t mean meeting…  You should… give yourself some time and space to… think all of this through; before you go into that discussion…_ ”

Of course… he realizes she meant him getting level, clear headed, ‘normal’.

He makes a face at this and says.

“ _Maybe you’re right..._ ”

 

 

**5-20-2018 – 21:26PM**

 

 

He stares at his phone’s screen.  It’s the only source of light in the darkened room.  He can’t sleep now.  He reads through the texts he and Isak exchanged last Wednesday.

 

_5-16-2018 – 14:11PM_

 

 **Isak** : “ _Hey!  You still up for Jonas’ send off?_ ”

 **Even** : “ _You think I’d leave you alone in that crowd?_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _Ah!  You think I can’t drive alone in a crowd?_ ”

 **Even** : “ _I won’t allow it!  Evak moves together!_ ”

 **Isak** : “*smile*”

 **Even** : “ _Do I pick you up or do we meet there?_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _You can always pick me up…  But I’ll go straight there._ ”

 **Even** : “ _Straight?_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _Idiot_ _*smile*._ _I’ll go ‘gay’ there._ ”

 **Even** : “ _Love you!_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _Same!_ ”

 

 

He starts writing something but keeps erasing it.  Perhaps he’s not home.  He could be at his mom’s or out…  He makes a face, annoyed at himself and dials Isak’s number instead.  It takes nine or ten rings before there’s an answer.

 

 **Isak** : “ _Hey…_ ”

He sounds so quiet.

 **Even** : “ _Hi… did I wake you up?_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _No…  I was streaming a movie…  How are you?_ ”

 **Even** : “ _Could be better… you?_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _Could be better…_ ”

Even bites on his lips.  This wasn’t going so well.

 **Even** : “ _I miss you…_ ”  And he does. 

He just wants to hold his boyfriend.  There’s a pause at the other end and he hears Isak clears his throat.

 **Isak** : “ _…Me too._ ” 

He hesitated just then…  What’s going on?

 **Even** : “ _Are you…_ ”  He has to swallow. _“…are you mad at me?_ ”

Something that sounds like a sob echoes in his hear.

 **Even** : “ _Isak what is it!?_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _You really don’t remember do you?_ ”  His voice is full of tears and incredulity.

Even feels like the ground is shaking or maybe it’s just his heart.  His throat is parched.  He’s about to ask when Isak cries.

 **Isak** : “ _Why did you leave Even… why didn’t you help??!_ ”

 

He freezes as horror creeps up.  The louder noises coming from the bed…  The pain in dad’s eyes…  Mom asking him to wait before seeing Isak…  It all comes together and now there’s a great weight on his chest.  He cannot breathe.  He can’t breathe!

‘You did this…’

 

 

**5-21-2018 – 6:12AM**

 

 

Even emerges only slowly.  He barely recalls the awful dream, just the chocking sensation of being incapable to draw breath.  Now he takes a deep one and then another before he becomes aware of the warm pressure against his back.  That’s when he senses the soft snoring going in and out above his shoulders.  His eyelids open a little.  There’s someone else with him on the double bed.  Is it Mom or Dad?  He slowly turns around until he faces a hooded figure, prone on itself.

Isak.

Even smiles and his boyfriend moves.  The hood of his grey sweater falls ajar, revealing the pale brownish bruise above his left cheekbone.  The edges of it are turning yellow.  One finger opens the sweater’s collar and Even stares morbidly at the purplish traces there.

This wasn’t some nightmare…

Last night’s conversation comes rushing back and the memory of it is like garish neon blaring in his mind.

‘Why didn’t you help??!’

 

He begins gasping again and Isak’s deep moss eyes flutter open, focusing on him as they rapidly fill with concern.  Both hands come closer, cradling his face while his lover’s mouth faintly shushes him. 

He can’t see anymore, only tremble, and he pants, panicky.

“ _I..I..I… did this…_ ”

His baby’s lips hover above his own, whispering.

“ _Shhhhhuuuushhhh_ ”

Even bites his lips deep, welcoming the pain and Isak hugs him with everything he has until he finally murmurs.

“ _It’s not your fault…_ ” 

They rock together, complete in each other’ smell, and he repeats it.

“ _It’s not your fault baby!_ ”

 

 

**********


	6. Laundry Blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's all in the little things...

# Isak

 

 

**6-10-2018 – 10:37AM**

 

 

Sunday is laundry day, which means that after having breakfast with Even and his parents he loads his knapsack with this week’s used clothes and hauls himself back to his own flat.  Heidi has offered several times to take care of it but each time he’s refused.  She was already good enough to let him live with them during the week, he wasn’t about to have her wash his dirty underwear!

 

The last three weeks have been… intense to say the least.  Thankfully nothing came close to that first night, when Heidi had picked Even’s phone and asked, visibly shaken, that he come at once.  He had rushed out and hailed a cab, ending at their place within fifteen minutes.  Heidi had cried seeing him, and Kristian told him both he and his wife had to work together to get Even to swallow a tablet of benzo*1 so he could calm down.

 

When he tiptoed into his boyfriend’s room he was shocked to see Even’s face; pale and clammy with sweat.  He was still shaking, even asleep, and both eyes were screwed shut; the picture of someone wading through a nightmare.  Isak climbed on the bed, ignoring the drenched coverlet, and wrapped both arms around Even’s torso, gently blowing at the base of his lover’s neck.  Little by little, ever so slowly, the tremors had subsided until they finally stopped.  Isak heard Even’s breathing become easier and at some point he himself had drifted away.

 

The next day there had been another panic attack then another one two days after that; and in between, plenty of tears, on both sides.  Now Isak knew what had really happened; how Even had thought his boyfriend didn’t need him; how he had retreated from everything at the end of the room, convinced Isak was having such a great time…

 

He stared upon hearing this from Heidi, almost sick to his stomach.  And yet… if he was entirely honest, he _had been_ having fun that night – the sex had been really good in fact – up until that point that is.  But not because of Yassir, or rather… regardless of Yassir, who had been nothing but a tool really, an object needed to explore something new with Even.

 

And at that moment Isak had a revelation.  What if Yassir had sensed that… could it have provoked what followed?  When he voiced his intuition to Heidi she abruptly shook her head.  Her tone was sharp when she replied.

“ _Maybe you’re on to something but it doesn’t excuse what the guy did!_ ”

 

Under Kristian’ supervision Isak took care of the medication while he was at the Bech Naesheim’s.  It was him who insured his lover had his dose of lithium every day.  He also kept the benzos with him, in case Even’s anxiety built up too high. 

 

In time his boyfriend leveled up, enough so he could resume his walks in the nearby park with his mom; and Isak joined them.  She beamed on their first foray, joking that since she now had two sons they would have to walk twice as far.  And Even had laughed - that carefree laugh only he could produce.  Then their eyes had met, directly for the first time in a long while.  He had smiled at him and his eyes were smiling too at last.

 

*****

 

There’s hardly any noise in the apartment when he walks in.  Linn is once again at her folks and Noora is visiting some friends in Spain until the end of the month.  Which leaves Eskild…  Maybe he slept over at one of his date’s place?

 

He is nearing his own bedroom when the bathroom’s door jerks open and a stranger walks out, naked but for a towel wrapped around his waist.  The mouse hair are damp and wavy; there are large hazel eyes, freckles, pouty lips…  They stare at each other in the hallway until Isak blinks.  The guy smiles widely then raises a high five and says in English.

“ _Hey I’m Jason, a friend of Eskild’s!_ ”  It sounded like ‘ _eschew_ ’; American by the accent. 

Isak suppresses a grin and wonders for a moment if the dude is a tourist or an expat student.  Then he replies in the same language.

“ _Hi…  I’m Isak, Eskild’s roommate._ ”

“ _Isaac!  Sounds almost like you’re form the Mid-West!_ ”

Isak shakes his head, grinning openly now.  He’s cute alright, in a happy puppy sort of way.

And there comes Eskild, wafting closer in one of his… lounging robes; this one is greenish-blue.  He chimes brightly in English.

“ _I see you two have met!_ ”

Then he turns to Jason and says.

“ _Why don’t you go put on some clothes baby?_ ”

Both of them watch the guy stroll away and Eskild whispers.

“ _He’s a bit young but he’s so good in bed!_ ”

Isak snickers and asks.

“ _Where did you find him?_ ”

“ _Lost at Hercules* 2_”

 

Eskild was a regular at the sauna.  Isak shakes his head again and makes a face.  As much as he enjoys sex the thought of having it in public didn’t appeal at all.  Now his flat mate focuses on him.

“ _So… off nursing duties?_ ” 

Isak nods, pointing at the knapsack.

“ _Yeah… laundry and some other shit I’ve got to take care of._ ”

“ _How is Even doing?_ ” 

Isak shrugs.

“ _Better… we take it one day at a time._ ”

 

He means to call his mom - to see how she’s doing.  Yet he grimaces at the thought.  It shouldn’t feel like a chore but it does.  He’s spent the last three weeks dealing with Even’s depression.  The only time he has for himself is on Sundays so he’s not thrilled at the prospect of handling his mother’s… issues.  Still his dad is useless as usual when it comes to that so it’s up to him.

 

 

**6-10-2018 – 15:17PM**

 

 

Finally he can relax a little.  The laundry is done, he’s cleaned the flat like he promised Eskild and he’s called his mom.  He was surprised by how… coherent she sounded today.  He couldn’t help but feeling warm inside when she was so visibly happy to hear from him.  She even asked about Even.  Isak thought she had liked his boyfriend, those few times they had visited.  But one could never really tell with Marianne.

 

He’s lazing about, scrolling through Youtube, when a ding comes off his phone.  He looks at it and frowns when he sees it’s a text from Sana.

 **Sana** : “ _Hi Isak._ ”

 **Isak** : “ _Hey…  How are you?_ ”

 **Sana** : “ _I’m fine thx.  Listen… I’ve found something._ ”

 

He stares at the screen, startled.  With everything that’s happened since he had almost forgotten about ‘the mission’.  Another post follows, with three embedded links.

 **Sana** : “ _Check each one of those, from ‘06 to 2011._ ”

 **Sana** : “ _If you recognize the guy call me!_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _Hum… okay…_ ”

 

The first link leads to the graduates’ section of the Lambertseter Upper High School portal.  Lambert, as its pupils call it, sits in Oslo’s Nordstrand district.

 **Yassir Kundi** , graduated in 2007; specialized in sports and physical education.  No.

 **Yassir Mirani** , graduated in 2010; specialized in natural sciences and mathematics. Nope.

 

The second link goes through Fagerborg’s portal.  Fager is in the neighboring district of Majorstuen.

 **Yassir Saadi** , graduated in 2008; specialized in ballet... definitely not.

 

The last one leads to the alumni of Åssiden in Dremmen, about fifty km south from Oslo.

 **Yassir Mahsud** , graduated in 2006; specialized in social care.  Nah…

 **Yassir Jarwar** , graduated in 2011; specialized in electronics.

 

Isak stares at the last picture for a long while.  The guy’s hair is almost to his shoulders and there’s thick fuzz on his cheeks.  But there’s no mistaking the sensuous lips in that quirky smile; the arched left eyebrow; and above all those eager dark eyes…  He shudders and dials Sana.

 

 

**6-10-2018 – 16:41PM**

 

 

 **Sana** : “ _Hi… you found him?_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _Yeah… the last one from Åssiden._ ”

He hears her chuckle.

 **Sana** : “ _I thought so too…_ ”

He lets out a breath and asks, curious.

 **Isak** : “ _Why is that?_ ”

 **Sana** : “ _Because he’s quite handsome and he looks brazen… arrogant even; someone used to have his own way…_ ”

She pauses and hesitates before continuing.

 **Sana** : “ _…because I thought that might appeal to you… seeing how Even is a little like that…_ ”

 

He’s about to protest but then he remembers how Even had approached him in the beginning...  One could have easily mistaken his bold confidence for brazen arrogance.  He smiles wistfully.  So much of that existed only in his closeted mind at the time…  And then he thinks of something else.

**Isak** : “ _How did you even manage to get this far?!_ ”

She laughs again but there’s a sharp edge to it.

 **Sana** : “ _Let’s just say my brother has many friends…_ ”

She sounds like she doesn’t approve of most of them.

 **Isak** : “ _Ok… so what now?_ ”

 **Sana** : “ _It depends on you really…_ ” 

She remains silent for a moment and then.

 **Sana** : “ _If you don’t wish to go to the police with any of this we’ll drop it…_ ”

 

He’s thought about that more often than he cares to admit.  Facing the authorities with his story, Even thrown in the middle of it, meeting the guy again in court at some point in the future…  He shakes his head in frustration.  Yet he _has_ been assaulted (he can’t bring himself to use the real word)!  And because of that Even is suffering and he himself is having a shit summer so far!

 

 **Isak** : “ _No – I’m not dropping this!_ ”

He could see her smile when she replied.

 **Sana** : “ _Then we go online, on every platform, and we search for any traces of him…_ ”

 

 

**********

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes:
> 
>  
> 
>   * Benzodiazepines are psychoactive drugs which possess sedative, hyptnotic, anxiolytic, anticonvulsant, muscle relaxant, and amnesic actions.
>   * Saunahuset Hercules or Club Hercules – a gay sauna in Oslo.
> 



	7. Wading Through

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I paddle, you paddle, we paddle...

# Isak

 

 

**6-12-2018 – 20:14PM**

After he and Even finished helping Heidi cleaning the table and the dishes, his boyfriend clasped his hand and led him upstairs to his bedroom.  He first closed the door and muted the light before searching through his desk’s main drawer.  When he turned back toward the bed Isak saw a large brown envelope in Even’s hand, which he presented to his lover without a word.

 

Isak first looks at the logo:  **New York University – TISCH School of the Arts**.  He takes out the folded sheets and reads through the first page.

 

“ _Dear Even Bech Naesheim,_

_The Kanbar Institute of Film & Television is more than pleased to confirm your admission to our Faculty…_”

 

He lets the letter drop on his lap; there’s no need to read any further.  He turns toward Even and sees the plea in his eyes.  Isak smiles and leans over, offering a kiss.  Then he murmurs.

“ _I’m so happy for you!_ ”

Even looks at him, blinking.

“ _You’re… ok with this?_ ”

Isak reaches and caresses his lover’s face before answering.

“ _I won’t lie…  I’d rather you stay here with me but… you’ll never be happy if you don’t try…  And now you have a chance to be what you’ve always wanted to be!_ ”

Even stares, hot tears running down his face as he shakes his head, disbelieving.  He whispers.

“ _I should’ve told you from the start…  None of that fucking shit would’ve happened…_ ”

Isak feels emotional himself now, and he thinks.

 ‘Am I gonna lose you babe?’

So he forces himself to smile again and asks.

“ _When is your semester starting?_ ”

Even exhales before replying.

“ _At the end of August…_ ”

Isak nods.  His own semester at UiO was slated to begin on August 28.  They still had a little over two months.

 

 

*****

 

 

**6-23- 2018 – 20:39PM**

 

 

They both sit side by side, squeezed at the end of the main sofa in Jonas’ living room.  It’s the first time they’ve been out together since…  Woa… almost two months already! 

 

Honestly he didn’t want to come; he had said so to Jonas, explaining Even wasn’t well.  But the truth is he was anxious.  A party at his best friend’s meant everyone would be there… with questions and looks. Besides the closer they were getting to August the greedier he became for the alone time spent with his boyfriend.  In the end Even managed to convince him.

 

“ _Please Isak!  I’m so fucking tired of being cooped up in here!  Walking the neighborhood is fine and all but… I want to see people!  I want to hear loud music!  I want to dance!_ ”

Then he startles Isak by hugging him close. 

He nuzzles against his neck, tonguing his way up to Isak’s ear and he breathes.

“ _I want to feel alive again…_ ”

Their mouths lock for what seems like a long time.  When he releases him Isak searches into those blue orbs, looking for any sign of trouble.  But no, they are steady… and their pupils are completely dilated now.  Even clutches at his butt with both hands, lifting him a little off the floor as he leans in for another kiss but Isak turns his head aside.

 

Sex has been the last thing on his mind since _that_ night.  As a matter of fact this is the first time Even himself shows any suggestion of being horny.  Isak closes his eyes and shivers, thinking back on what happened.  His lover’s voice is thick when he says.

“ _I’m so sorry baby… I didn’t think…_ ”

Isak faces him and takes in the crestfallen look.  He leans closer and brushes his boyfriend’s lips with his own then murmurs.

“ _Don’t be… it means you’re back… it’s just…”_ he begins to tremble and shuts away the tears _“…just hold me please!_ ”

 

Even holds him close the whole afternoon and it feels good to be taken care of for a change.  He cries silently while his boyfriend whispers sweet nothings in his hair, gently rubbing his back.  When Isak finally calms down he clears his throat and says.

“ _Let’s go at Jonas’ tonight…  I need to feel alive too._ ”

 

*****

 

So here they sit, having a beer, when Jonas saunters closer, a bottle in one hand, his other arm around the waist of a pretty brunette and with a huge grin on his face.  They arrived only minutes ago and hadn’t seen him until now.  As he nears them Jonas calls out over the din.

“ _Where the fuck have you been bros?!_ ”

Even laughs and reaches up to clasp the shorter guy’s hand.  Isak manages to smile and roll his eyes at the same time.  He looks at Jonas’ date and says.

“ _Won’t you introduce us?_ ”

“ _Oh Shit!_ ”  He turns to her and places a smooch on her cheek.  “ _Sorry babe!_ ”  She snorts fondly at him and he gestures towards them.

“ _The pretty blond there is my oldest mate, Isak, and the tall handsome one is Even, his boyfriend.  Guys this is Siri._ ”

She smiles at them and Isak has to admit the girl is more than pretty.   With her wide lips and large amber eyes, she’s actually stunning.  He glances at Jonas who’s gazing at her like he can’t believe his own luck.  He smothers a chortle.  Ah!  Look who’s smitten! 

 

Even is asking Siri if she is at Nissen.  He’s been in Media studies at UiO for the last year so he’s out of the loop.  She shakes her head and says.

“ _No I went to Fager until last May._ ”

“ _Where did you meet this lout then?_ ”  Isak asks pointing at his friend.

She laughs and replies.

“ _I found him moping at Frognerkilen’s*_ _1_ _on Constitution Day._ ”  So she liked skating too then.

“ _Hey!  I wasn’t moping!_ ”

She tousles his curly locks, as she would a shaggy dog, then winks their way.

“ _Forgive me – you were deep in thought._ ”

Even laughs out loud and stands up announcing he’s going to get refills.  And Siri declares she’ll join the expedition since she has to pee.  Even’s eyebrows shoot up as he offers one arm which she takes with a flourish.  These two look like they’ve taken a liking to each other.  Jonas hollers behind them.

“ _Beware that one Siri!  He stole my best friend away from me!_ ”

She half turn and yells back.

“ _I can handle pretty boys Mopey!_ ”

Even laughs harder and soon they are lost among the crowd.

 

 

Isak glances at Jonas.  He has a stupid half grin plastered on his face and he’s staring at nothing.  Woa!  The arrow has gone in deep!  He nudges his mate with a shoulder and says.

“ _She’s really gotten into you huh?_ ”

Jonas looks back and sighs.

“ _No… I don’t know… I guess?_ ” 

Isak chuckles and takes a swig of his beer.  And then Jonas says.

“ _Seriously, where have you guys been?  I haven’t seen or heard from you since last time you were here… like two months ago!_ ”

Isak’s grin fades as he replies.

“ _It’s a long story Jon’… and not one fit for a party._ ”

Jonas remains silent for a while and then says.

“ _Actually I was really hoping you’d come tonight because I wanted to speak to you._ ”

Isak tilts his head, curious.

“ _What about?_ ”

“ _I’m moving out of here in August…_ ” he waves in the air, meaning his parent’s house “ _…and I was wondering if you’d like to share a flat with me._ ”

Isak sits straight - astonished.  He’s never thought about this.  What he had hoped was for him and Even to move in together but now that it’s official for New-York…  He shakes his head, refusing to think about that here.  Something else occurs to him and he asks.

“ _What about Siri?_ ”

Jonas makes a face; he too doesn’t want to go there too soon.

“ _Nah it’s much too early for that… if it ever happens._ ”  Such longing in his voice!

Isak elbows him again.

“ _Come on ‘Mopey’…_ ” he titters at the nickname – that one is a sticker “ _…don’t worry!_ ”

He drinks some more beer and groans at a thought.  Jonas looks at him curiously, one eyebrow raised.

“ _What?_ ”

“ _It’s just…  Eskild has been there for me ever since I left home… I don’t want to… let him down you know?_ ”

Jonas nods and says.

“ _I understand.  Well the offer stands anyway.  I won’t need to have a flat mate since my parents will pay the rent but I’d like to be less of a burden on them.  So if you change your mind let me know._ ”

They both look up at the sound of Magnus shouting.

“Even bro!!” And he proceeds to embrace the taller boy in a bear hug. 

Ever since that Christmas party when Even advised him to go full on desperate with Vilde, which led to them becoming a thing, Magnus has grown to hero worship Isak’s boyfriend.  When Siri comes back from the overcrowded bathroom she plops down next to Jonas, laughing at the scene; that’s when Isak rises and winks at both of them.

“ _It’s time I went and saved my man!_ ”

 

 

When he sees him approach Magnus screams again.

“Yo Isak!”

They slap hands as Vilde comes closer taking in the trio.  Her wide eyes go from Isak to Even and back to Isak.  She’s smiling but something in her eyes seems to say: ‘What is he doing here?’  This annoys him for some reason.  They think they know the true story but it’s only half of it.  Still he pecks her on the cheek and says.

“ _Hallo Vilde, how are you?_ ”

She seems to relax a little at that and replies, looking at both of them.

“ _I’m great thanks.   How about you guys?_ ”

Before he can answer Even says.

“ _Much better thank you for asking Vilde._ ”

He’s smiling yet Isak notices the thinnest of furrows between his eyebrows.  He senses something is off. Normally she would have been almost as enthusiastic as Mags.  Sooo… let’s not have this degenerate into something else…!   Isak tugs at Even’s shirt and says.

“ _Come on I want to dance…_ ”

He waves at Magnus and Vilde.

“ _...later guys!_ ”

 

 

**6-24- 2018 – 0:43AM**

 

 

They both lie naked above the duvet on Even’s bed, side by side but without touching; they can’t sleep and it has nothing to do with sex.  All the windows in the bedroom are opened and still the night is so fucking hot and humid!  Even turns his head on the pillow, looking at him.

“ _Thank you by the way…_ ”

Isak gazes back.

“ _Why?_ ”

“ _For the party, the crowd, the fun…_ ”

Isak smiles, remembering.

“ _Yeah it felt good to be ourselves again…_ ”

“ _I really liked Siri… she’s so… quick and zesty!_ ”

Isak snorts and shoots back.

“ _Zesty?!  Are you falling in love?_ ”

Even laughs before he replies, eyes intent.

“ _There’s only one person I love in that multiverse of yours baby..._ ”

 

Isak stares, breathless at the intensity of his lover’s gaze.  On an impulse he puts a hand on Even’s hip, fingers pressing into skin, and his boyfriend responds by wriggling closer, until their bodies touch at every point.  Their brows touch; their legs touch; their shoulders touch; their hard cocks throb against one another; their breath is one, panting; and their eyes are so close all they can do is drink the sight of each other.  The heat beyond is nothing compared to the one within…  But when Even’s hand moves to caress his backside Isak stops him.

“ _Please… let’s just stay like this ok?  Nothing more – nothing less._ ”

Even swallows and nods.  He opens his lips, an offering.  And Isak accepts it, tentative at first but then more at ease with every eddy of their tongues.  And so they climaxed on each other’s belly while doing nothing more than kissing that night.

 

**********

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1- Frognerkilen Skatepark in the Frogner District of Oslo.


	8. Overcast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moving out now - moving fast...

# Isak

 

 

**7-15-2018 16:22PM**

 

 

He is alone in his bedroom, trying to concentrate as he sits at the desk.  Tomorrow he and Sana are going to the Sentrum station to file an official criminal complaint.  Since the ‘thing’ happened at the Bristol the investigation will fall under that precinct’s jurisdiction.  It was she who suggested he writes a formal statement for the police.  She said it could speed up the interrogation and would help Isak prepare for the questions, and the emotions that would come up then.  Then she had advised:

‘Write it as if it happened to somebody else... to put some distance between you and the deed.’

 

They had found traces of Yassir online alright.  There was a fairly busy Facebook account with many pictures of him and a cute sandy haired girl together; his girlfriend?  The last update was dated May 16th; a selfie with Yassir smirking in that yellow shirt next to a steel blue SUV.  His comment read: ‘ _Going Russefeiring in Oslo tonight!_ ’

Sana sneered and said.

“ _It’s not very smart to leave evidence like this lying about…_ ”

Isak couldn’t stop staring at the screen when he replied.

“ _Perhaps he panicked after…_ ”

She snorted at this and busied herself taking screenshots.

 

There also was an Instagram account.  They found it when they searched for his last name.  The list that came back included a ‘ _Jarwarbinks_ ’ that turned out to be him; a Star Wars reference huh?  Well perhaps it was just a play on words.  In any case he obviously loved cars and football and bodybuilding since most of his pictures, and most of the likes he gave out were on either of those topics.

 

 

Isak looks away from the laptop.  He can’t help wondering.

‘How do you go from having a night out with your mates to molesting a consenting bed partner?’

He glances back at the screen.  Yassir’s cocky grin in the screenshot is taunting him.  Isak examines the guy’s every features; the posture, the arched eyebrow, the long eyelashes framing his hooded eyes.  And a thought pops into his mind. 

‘This is a mask…’ 

He should know since he wore the same for a long time before Even helped him put it aside.  So he’s in the closet then…  Still it doesn’t explain why he did what he did.  Isak rakes through his hair repeatedly.  He needs to understand why what was freely offered was taken by force anyway?

 

A light goes on in Isak’s brain and he realizes that what happened after Even left wasn’t about sex at all but about control!  You’re in the closet and you have to hide to be truly yourself.  You meet someone you find attractive and who pleases you in bed.  But that guy has a lover so you can’t be with him.  Then the lover moves away and appears disinterested while you are pounding his boyfriend…  And you’re full of dope and booze on top of all that.

 

_‘I’ll show you how to be a good boy’_    What if…  Yassir had somehow identified with Even…  The good boy is the one who doesn’t open his butt to a stranger, who doesn’t betray his lover.  And so he had showed Isak what happens when you cheat on him; especially that part of him he hates and fear so much.  He shakes his head and looks back at the picture. 

He feels revulsion at the twisted mindset that makes you believe your ‘honor’ has been impugned and that violence must be the answer.  But there’s also something else… pity maybe?  How much self-loathing did it take to get to that point?  He lets out a slow breath and closes the screenshot.  Perhaps he’s totally off the rail with his musings, but they ring true in his mind.  In any case now that he has something of a grasp on the guy’s motivations he’s determined to see this through.  So he begins to write the account of that night. 

 

**7-16-2018 19:18PM**

 

 

They are all sitting around the table when Heidi puts down the three large plates she’s carrying.  One is filled with grilled salmon fillets, another with steamed potatoes and a crunchy cucumber salad.  The last one has several halved avocados stuffed with little shrimps covered in lemon slices with dollops of mayo.  Isak hides his disdain.  He isn’t a fan of seafood; that faintly rancid smell always leaves him wanting to use a mouth wash.  And yet salmon is one of the few fishes he does enjoy.

 

After the meal, and while Heidi is preparing their desserts, Kristian looks at him and asks.

“ _So… how did it go?_ ”

He’s referring to the deposition with the police of course.  Even glances at Isak who shrugs and says.

“ _Well… the officer who saw me, Inspector Madsen, seemed rather impressed with the statement I wrote…_ ”

Isak hadn’t showed it to Even.  He'd written down every detail he could remember and he had no intention of pushing his lover back towards depression, or worse some sort of revenge scheme…

“ _…and he actually congratulated me for the pieces of evidence we gathered..._ ”

Kristian looks surprised and asks.

“ _And those were?_ ”

Isak combs through his curls and sighs.

“ _Ahh… graduation pictures from the guy’s high school in Dremmen; screenshots of his Facebook and Instagram accounts; security feeds from the club we were at when we met him; there’s the medical dossier compiled at the Aleris Sykehus* 1; and a friend of ours…_”

He glances at Even.

“ _…Noora, she went to the Bristol and pretended she was your sister, claiming you’d been robbed in your room.  When they asked why you didn’t come yourself she had to mention you weren’t well that night…_ ”

Hi boyfriend frowns but doesn’t interrupt.

“ _…so they confirmed you had signed the check-in and that they had feeds of the reception desk should the police require those…_ ”

Even shakes his head, incredulous and then he makes a face.  He received the bill a few days earlier: close to 1650 Kr.  Then he sounds cautious when he says.

“ _He must have asked about me right?_ ”

“ _Well… first he wanted to know why it had taken me this long before reporting the crime so I explained about your condition; that I’d wanted to wait until you were level again before dragging you into all this…_ ”

Isak stares earnestly into his boyfriend’s eyes, adding.

“ _I want to go through with this Even, but if you don’t think you can handle it…_ ”

His lover shakes his head again, vehement this time.

“ _No!  I owe you this much!  So this inspector wants to see me?_ ”

“ _He said he would contact you in due time.  I mentioned you are leaving for New-York next month though so… hopefully it won’t take too long…_ ”

 

At this point Heidi begins to serve coffee and dessert, orange and cardamom krumkaker, and Kristian asks.

“ _Did the officer mention how the investigation would proceed?_ ”

“ _They’ll first have to locate the dude before they can summon him for questioning._ ”

Isak hesitates and then continues, looking at Even again.

“ _He said the guy could always deny everything… and since the other witness wasn’t really aware of what was happening… it might be difficult to lay charges and prosecute…_ ”

Even closes his eyes and Isak could tell he was silently berating himself again; his jaw is set.

Heidi chimes in.

“ _What about the bruises and the marks – surely those are valid proofs?_ ”

It is Kristian who replies.

“ _Those are circumstantial evidences Heidi…  Isak could have been beaten by some random guy after their encounter with this man ended…_ ”  He lets out a breath. “ _A good lawyer could even argue that Even himself did this while he had his episode…_ ”

 

Even’s eyes fall on the table and he’s visibly unhappy so Isak grabs his hand, squeezing hard.  He doesn’t know what else to do to make his boyfriend understand he shouldn’t blame himself.  They had simply been at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong guy.

 

*****

**7-22-2018 14:37PM**

 

 

Another Sunday, another laundry day...  Isak can hear the distant sound of Eskild and Linn arguing in the living room.  And he’s willing to bet it’s about Jason. 

 

What should normally have been nothing but a passing fling for his ‘guru’ had apparently evolved into something else.  The young American, Isak grimaces – he and the dude were both nineteen, was originally supposed to stay in Norway only for three weeks; he’d come to visit his brother who studies urbanism at the Oslo School of Architecture and Design.  But Jason was moving into his seventh now… and most of that time had been spent with them, not his brother, or trailing behind Eskild everywhere…  He was even talking about applying to study here!  With Noora back from Spain their flat was becoming real crowded.

 

After transferring his damp clothes into the dryer Isak wanders back towards the noise.  As he approaches the living room he hears Linn swears.

“ _For fuck sake Eskild!  Your boy toy can’t even clean after himself in the bathroom!_ ”

“ _Stop calling him that!_ ”

At this point Linn throws her hands in the air and passes Isak in a huff, red faced.  Moments later the door of her bedroom slams shut.

 

When he plops himself down in the chair facing the sofa where Eskild is simmering, Isak remembers Jonas’ earlier offer.  Suddenly he feels less reluctant about moving out.  His roommate glances at him and says.

“ _Sorry about that…_ ”

Isak shrugs and after a while he simply mentions.

“ _I may have a solution…_ ”

Eskild frowns and tilts his head so Isak continues.

“ _Last month at Jonas’ he asked me if I’d like to share a flat with him next year…_ ”

Several emotions play on Eskild’ features then: surprise, disbelief, sadness… and he says.

“ _But… this has been your home for more than two years!_ ”

 

Has it been that long already?  God…  When Eskild had found him, blubbering in a dark corner of Elsker, Isak was living in a deep closet.  But then Even appeared in his life and everything changed…  So much had happened!  And now his lover would soon leave him…  He had smiled and put on a brave front when he learned about New-York being an actual thing…  Yet the truth is he’s terrified of losing the one person that matters more than anyone to him.

 

Eskild senses right away that something is wrong.  Isak had told no one about this but now it would soon become reality.  He breathes deeply and says.

“ _Even is leaving for America in about a month…_ ”

“ _What?!?_ ”

Isak blinks to clear his eyes and says.

“ _He’s been accepted in some famous cinema school in New-York…_ ”

Eskild shakes his head and asks.

“ _When did you learn?_ ”

“ _He first told me he’d applied in February…_ ”  He wipes at his eyes. “ _…but he got his response only early in May…_ ”

Eskild stares at him.

“ _But when did he tell you?_ ”

Isak looks at the floor when he replies.

“ _After the Russefeiring…_ ”

There is a long silence and then his roommate asks.

“ _So he told you after what happened that night?_ ”

No need to specify which one.

“ _Yeah…_ ”

Isak looks up and sees his friend squinting, trying hard to put the pieces together and then, very low.

“ _Are you… actually suggesting that ‘thing’ wouldn’t have happened if Even had spoken to you about New-York before?_ ”

 

Few people give Eskild credit for it, because of his exuberant personality, but he’s far from stupid.  Isak begins to panic.  Is that what he’d meant?  Was he actually blaming his own boyfriend?!  No… not blaming but… recognizing the facts.  His ‘guru’ takes a deep breath and says.

“ _Well… never mind that…  There’s no reason for you to leave._ ”

Isak is touched and smiles a reply.

“ _You’ve got to admit though, there’s way too many of us in here when we’re all there!_ ”               

 

Indeed.  It was a good thing Isak spent most of the week at Even’s because it might have been him exploding.  It’s not that he doesn’t like Jason, on the contrary.  Eskild’s boyfriend (?) is quite a funny guy even if he’s a bit impulsive.  An image of Magnus floats in his mind.  Yeah, like Mags but with better control over what comes out of his mouth.  It’s just that five people in their small flat *is* too much; especially, according to Noora, when the ‘lovebirds’ were going at it, which, apparently, they do quite often…

 

Isak focuses back on Eskild who’s glaring at nothing in particular, frustrated.

“ _You really like him don’t you?_ ”

The older boy looks miserable when he shakes his head.

“ _This is most likely his last couple of weeks in Oslo anyway… he said his dad won’t transfer anymore cash if he doesn’t return to California._ ”

His flat mate lets out a bitter little laugh.

“ _Poor baby, he wants to find a job here until he can apply for UiO… but he can hardly string together more than a few sentences in Norwegian…  I try teaching him but God he’s slow when it comes to languages!_ ”

 

In all the time he’s known him Isak has never seen Eskild this hooked on anyone.  It’s about time his friend found someone that makes him really happy.  So right then he makes the decision to accept Jonas’ offer.  He looks fondly at his ‘gay older bro’ and says.

“ _Listen Eskild, if I move in with Jonas then Noora can have her old room back and there would be much less drama going around._ ”  He thinks of something else and adds.

“ _I’m sure Jason can find some job… I don’t know… in a hotel or a restaurant for tourists?  Most people in Oslo understand English anyway…_ ”

Eskild looks at him and his voice is a little shaky when he asks.

“ _Are you sure?_ ” 

It’s not about Jason’s job but about him moving out.  Isak nods and says.

“ _With Even going away…  I think it would be a good idea to…_ ” he sighs “ _… I don’t know… put some distance between me and what happened with him here... if that makes sense?_ ”

 

He sees Eskild conceding the point with a faraway hmm.  Evak had truly begun in his bedroom, on that grey smoky day they’d spent together.  And the first time Isak ever had sex with a guy was in the same room, with Even that night when he’d thrown his mates out…  Thinking on it some more he realizes he won’t endure Even’s absence in the same place where his… presence feels so thick.  He needed a change of scenery.

 

Eskild seems to understand for his eyes are swimming when he says.

“ _I’ll miss you little buddy…_ ”

Isak can only smile and nod, breathing a little harder.

 

 

**********

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1- Aleris Hospital & Medical Center
> 
> \----------
> 
> The next chapter will be the last one of part 1 of 'Far From Heaven'. 
> 
> I'm birthing a story and I'm well aware of my limitations but when it's fully out here I'll have to rewrite it so I encourage those few readers who follow me to *criticize* :) - so I can get better at it!


	9. Grinding Ice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So many truths grinding on one another!

# Even

 

 

**8-9-2018 13:24PM**

 

 

He can’t concentrate on the song shooting out through his earplugs.  He got the summons through snail mail last Monday.  He’s been requested to present himself at the Sentrum Precinct for questioning in regards to the ongoing investigation pertaining to the accusations of rape leveled by Mr. Isak Valtersen, resident of Oslo, against Mr. Yassir Jarwar, resident of Dremmen.

 

So here he is, fidgeting as he waits on the worn out bench in the reception area.  Heidi puts a hand on his quivering leg and he quiets down.  Before long a short man approaches and stops facing them.  He must be in the late forties Even judges, his cropped brown hair is streaked with gray, and so is the short goatee he sports.  The grey eyes are alert when he extends a hand.

“ _Mr. Bech Naesheim?  I’m Police-Inspector Morten Madsen…_ ” Even shakes the hand as he rises. 

Then the man turns to Heidi.

“ _… and I presume this must be your mother?_ ” 

She nods as she salutes him in turn and he adds.

“ _The likeness is striking!  Mrs Bech Naesheim this may take a while.  You can wait here or you can return when we are done._ ”

She simply smiles and replies.

“ _I’ll wait if you don’t mind._ ”

“ _Not at all Ma’am._ ”

 

Madsen brings him to a small beige room with nothing but a table and three chairs.  There is another officer already there, a younger guy, equipped to take notes.  The inspector indicates a chair and says.

“ _Please have a seat._ ”

Madsen sits in front of him next to the other officer who nods.  The inspector turns back toward Even.

“ _I’m told you’re leaving for New-York at the end of the month?_ ”

“ _Yes._ ”

“ _You’re going there to study?_ ”

“ _Yes_ ”

“ _And what’s your field?_ ”

Even stares at the man.  What does this have to do with anything?

“ _Cinema…  Why?_ ”

Madsen ignores the question and asks instead.

“ _Who’s your favorite director then?_ ”

Even’s frowning now.  This is weird.  His eyebrows shoot up and he looks pointedly at his interrogator.

“ _I’m sorry sir but I thought I was here to discuss about the night when my boyfriend was abused._ ”

Madsen shrugs and says.

“ _Alright then…  Tell us what happened on the evening of May 16th and during the following night._ ”

 

 

So Even starts relating the events as he remembers them.  Every once in a while the inspector asks a question and he answers as best he can.  And during all that time the other guy observes him, jotting down some of his answers but not the others.  Even realizes the interview must be filmed.  When he reaches the part where he moved away from the bed the inspector asks him.

“ _Why did you leave your boyfriend with the other guy?_ ”

Even licks his parched lips and replies.

“ _He was enjoying himself but I wasn’t anymore.  I couldn’t watch a moment longer so I went as far away from them as I could without leaving the room._ ”

Madsen frowns and he remarks.

“ _You could have asked the man to stop._ ”

Even shakes his head.

“ _You know that I’m bipolar right?_ ”  There’s a nod.  “ _I became depressed when I convinced myself Isak didn’t need me to have fun.  So it didn’t even enter my mind to interfere.  All I wanted was to shut out the sight and sounds they were making._ ”

The inspector stays silent while studying him and then.

“ _You didn’t become aware at any point that something was wrong?_ ”

Even closes his eyes and shakes his head.

“ _I had my headset on, my playlist was on repeat and the volume was jacked to maximum._ ”

 

 

Madsen purses his lips and opens a file lying next to him on the table.  He flips it around and pushes it towards Even.  There are pictures of Isak, freshly bruised and he shudders when glancing at them.  The man says.

“ _Those were taken by the medical personnel at the hospital the day after._ ”

Even stares at one in particular where Isak is shirtless so that the purple marks on his throat are fully exposed.  He focuses on his lover’s eyes – there’s nothing there – it’s like a vacant house!  He grinds his teeth and his own eyes are filling.  He pushes the file away.  After a while he wipes the tears away with a hand and the inspector says.

“ _The document in the file is the testimony written by Isak.  I would like you to read it._ ”

He looks at the man, feeling trapped.

 

Madsen stares back and Even can see he won’t be denied.  So he reaches for the file again and grabs the four page document.  It is typed at double interline.  The text opens with the list of Isak’s complete credentials; his name, the full civic address of his residence, his personal phone number along with his email address.  After that there’s a formal declaration that the events related are true to the best of his knowledge.  And then the narrative begins with them arriving at Elsker’s.

 

When he comes to the point where Isak mentions him moving away from the bed Even’s breath catches in his throat and he leans closer to the table.

 

“ _When my boyfriend (Even Bech Naesheim) retired, for reasons unknown at the time, toward the other end of the hotel room, I was engaged in ‘doggy style’ anal sex with our guest, Yassir Jarwar.  I was in the submissive role.  He (Yassir Jarwar) began thrusting harder and yanked at my hair so my head came close to him and then he bit my right ear and said:_

 _“Now I’ll show you how to be a good boy!_ ”

 

Even’s left hand balls into a fist and he bites into it as he continues to read, more slowly now because of the tears in his eyes.  Yet he forces himself to go on, his penance for having caused this.  Every sentence where Isak described what this… Yassir guy did burns through him, like the lash of a whip flaying his mind.  He whimpers and chews on his fist until he reaches the point when Isak described how he passed out from being choked.  And then Even cries out in a broken voice.

“ _I’ll kill that motherfucker!_ ”

He hears Madsen tell his colleague.

“ _Alright we’ll stop here._ ”

Chairs scrape on the floor and something is plopped on the table near him; a box of tissue.  The inspector closes the file and takes it away.  Then he clears his throat and says.

“ _We’ll leave you alone for a few minutes so you can calm down ok?_ ”

Even doesn’t look up and simply grunts assent.

 

His eyes are dry and he has blown his nose several times when Madsen returns, perhaps ten or fifteen minutes later.  There is another man with him, not the same one who was taking notes earlier.  He too must be in his forties or perhaps fifties; there are heavy bags under his pale blue eyes.  The Inspector points at the man and introduces him.

“ _Even this is a colleague of mine, Daniel Solheim.  He’s an officer who’s also a trained psychologist._ ”

The other man smiles mildly and says.

“ _Before we organized this meeting we spoke with your psychiatrist... hmm…_ ” He glances at a sheet of paper in his hand. “ _…Mathias Hanssen right?_ ”

Even’s eyes widen.  Mathias agreed to this?!  He lets out a breath and nods without a word so Daniel goes on.

“ _He warned us the procedure could trigger a relapse into depression…” He pauses.  “You were very emotional back there… how do you feel now?_ ”

Even frowns.

“ _You weren’t here ‘back there’…_ ”

Daniel looks pointedly at the framed mirror on the wall.  Even snorts.  A two way mirror of course!  So he answers the question, honestly.

“ _Like shit… just with less water._ ”

“ _Did you discuss what happened that night with Isak?_ ”

 

They had talked about what came before and after but not about the actual… rape itself.  What an ugly word!  Even felt too guilty about it to ask, and now after reading this, he couldn’t guess how Isak would have responded if he had insisted.  The only inkling Even has into how this whole fucking mess affected Isak was his boyfriend’s reluctance over having sex.  He bites his lower lips and ends up saying.

“ _Not really, no…_ ”

“ _So this was the first time you actually learned about what Isak went through?_ ”

“ _Yeah…_ ”

Even suddenly turns to Madsen who’s observing the conversation in silence and he challenges.

“ _Was this necessary?_ ”

The man sighs before replying.

“ _First of all I want to apologize to you Even… for causing you pain.  However my job is to… draw as clear a picture as possible of what happened.  Something as close to the truth as I can make it before I present the case to a judge._ ”

He pauses and wets his lips before he continues.

“ _There are three people involved in this story; Isak, you and the other guy, Yassir.  That’s three different experiences I have to reconcile into one… scene.  And that means I have to account for every possibilities in that scenario…_ ”

Even can’t help but nod at this, understanding the language.  Madsen searches for his next words and then.

“ _What if Yassir got bored of the whole thing and decided to leave early; and you, jealous of your boyfriend having a good time with someone else, decided to punish him for it?_ ”

He pauses.

“ _And what if your lover lied, accusing the third guy to protect you?_ ”

 

Even’s first impulse is denial but instead he closes his eyes and he can see it, the ramifications of it; the weight of the Inspector’s words…

Daniel’s voice cuts through his brooding.

“ _There is no need to shoulder guilt that isn’t yours…_ ”

Even massages his right temple with a couple of fingers until he replies.

“ _How can it not be mine when I engineered the whole evening?_ ”

Daniel is silent for a while until he says.

“ _You were not alone that night… Isak is not a child… he agreed to follow you into this!  What happened when you… chose to withdraw could not be anticipated by anyone; not by you or Isak or even Yassir.  It happened, that’s it._ ”

Even looks at him thinking: ‘why is he so thick?’  He shakes his head again and bites every word.

“ _If I wasn’t bipolar I would never have chosen to withdraw, as you put it; which means that I am ultimately responsible for all this fucking shit!_ ”

The silence lengthens in the room until Madsen looks squarely at him and states.

“ _Well there’s at least one thing that’s certain now.  You didn’t do this.  And that means we can concentrate all our attention on Yassir Jarwar._ ”

 

 *****

 

**8-9-2018 18:54PM**

 

 

Even went straight up to his bedroom after dinner.  He was tired of his mom’s fussing; she’d been overly concerned ever since she drove them away from the precinct earlier today.  He didn’t feel like he was depressed.  He’s been sleeping well lately.  Well he *was* depressed but not… ‘bipolar depressed’; meaning he could still think.  He wasn’t overwhelmed by despair as he normally would’ve been under such circumstances.  Isak was at his own place; he’s spent today packing up, preparing to move in with Jonas tomorrow.  Which left Even alone and free to… ruminate.

 

He loves Isak.  That boy… his brother, his lover, his better half is more precious to him than anything.  And this sentiment has become the bedrock of his life; no amount of depression can dent it.  And yet, despite that and no matter how much he wishes he could shun away the truth, he-is-sick!  He’s only one relapse away from… whatever crap his broken mind can cook up!  What he learned early this afternoon at Sentrum confirmed something that’s been in the back of his mind for a while now.  He needs to get away.  And thankfully New-York is beckoning.  Yea… distance and time will protect Isak.

 

He makes a face as he tosses his head left and right on the pillow.

‘WTF Bech!  Are you actually thinking of breaking up?’

He feels tears gathering so he closes his eyelids and sees that picture in his mind, the one with the purple marks and the dead eyes.

‘I will never again put you in danger baby!’

He stays like this for some time, breathing deeply, and then he picks up his phone and dials Mathias.

 

 **Mathias** : “ _Hello Even._ ”

His psychiatrist didn’t sound the least bit surprised to hear from him even though he’d dialed him out of schedule only once before in the last three years.

 **Even** : “ _You were expecting my call?_ ”

 **Mathias** : “ _Daniel Solheim rang me after you left Sentrum so…  How are you?_ ”

 **Even** : “ _Shitty but… also relieved._ ”

 **Mathias** : “ _Relieved in what way?_ ”

Even thinks for a few seconds before answering.

 **Even** : “ _To know what Isak went through…  Now I just have to make a decision._ ”

He hears Mathias’ breathing then the man asks, completely neutral.

 **Mathias** : “ _What decision would that be?_ ”

Even presses both lips together, as if trying not to verbalize his feelings.  Then he takes a deep breath and replies.

 **Even** : “ _Whether I should break up with him now or once I’m in New-York._ ”

His therapist doesn’t speak for some time until he asks.

 **Mathias** : “ _Why do you think you have to break up?_ ”

Even sighs and says.

 **Even** : “ _There would have been no rape if I was normal.  But since my syndrome can’t be cured I will not allow Isak to be hurt again because of it._ ”

There - now that he’s said it he feels better.  His mind is clear and the words ring true in his ears.

 **Mathias** : “ _You do realize Isak could be hurt, or killed, even if you weren’t bipolar right?_ ”

Even becomes still.  He’s been so fixated on his own condition he hadn’t even thought of looking beyond it.  Mathias presses on.

 **Mathias** : “ _If you were ‘normal’, as you put it, he could still be assaulted and beaten down by homophobes while walking out of a gay club for instance._ ” 

He pauses and adds.

 **Mathias** : “ _Will you blame yourself or your condition if Isak is struck down by a drunk driver tomorrow?_ ”

_Even remains silent, considering the man’s words.  And then Mathias’ voice sounds again._

**Mathias** _:  “A couple is made of two people Even.  I think you should speak with Isak before making any kind of decision._ ”

And of course he’s right.  Even sighs again and says.

 **Even** : “ _Alright...  Thanks for the free talk._ ”

 **Mathias** : “ _I’ll see you next Tuesday then.  Good night Even._ ”

 **Even** : “ _G’night Mathias._ ”

 

 

**8-9-2018 20:51PM**

 

 

He wakes with a start at the buzzing sound near him.  He must have dozed off.  It’s Isak so he picks it up.

**Even** : “ _Hey you…_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _Hi!  What’s up?  How did it go with the police?_ ”

 **Even** : “ _Meh… lots of shit you know…_ ”

His lover remains silent a while and then.

 **Isak** : “ _Yeah… nothing too shitty I hope?_ ”

There was a catch in his voice just then… so Even steers away from it.

 **Even** : “ _Well you know how this goes…  At least Madsen told me they’re going after that guy in earnest now._ ”

There’s another long silence through which Even could hear loud music in the background.

 **Even** : “ _What’s all the commotion?_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _There’s lots of people here… some last minute party to see me off… You wanna come?_ ”

He lets out a smiling sigh.

 **Even** : “ _I’m tired baby, after today… just enjoy yourself ok?_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _Ok…  You’re still coming tomorrow though right?_ ”

 **Even** : “ _Count on it!_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _I love you!_ ”

Even’s eyes are suddenly full and he has to swallow before he answers.

 **Even** : “ _Me too…_ ”

 

*****

 

**8-24-2018 23:11PM**

 

 

They are both naked and spooning on Even’s double bed.  His parents won’t be back until tomorrow so they have the house for themselves.  Their skin is still sweaty from the first time they made love since last May; if he wasn’t counting that long kissing occasion at the end of June. 

 

They went at it very gently.  Even didn’t want to rush anything so he let Isak decide the pace and the rhythm of it.  And his boyfriend elected a straddle while facing him, groaning as he slowly ground up and down with both his arms on Even’s shoulders.  At some point his head lolled backward, eyes closed, and a low moan escaped him as he was biting his lower lips.  Even stared and stared, his breath taken away.  God was he ever so fucking beautiful!  How Even had wished right then they could last like this forever!  But nothing in this universe ever lasts does it?

 

Suddenly he remembers an old French movie he has seen long ago; ‘ _Tous les matins du Monde_ ’ it was called; the story of a famous court musician during the reign of Louis XIV, who recalls his own youth and tutelage by a gloomy man – a master at the viol, ancestor of the cello, Monsieur de Sainte-Colombe.  At some point the man, Marin Marais, utters the phrase: ‘ _Tous les matins du monde sont sans retour_.’ – ‘ _The World’s mornings come and are forever lost_.’

 

That is how he feels right now, melancholy.  The last moments he is spending with his lover are just like that: unique and irreplaceable.  He registered every caress, every kiss, every taste and every sight; and the sound of every moan.  When Even sucks on Isak’s Adam’s apple his boyfriend always makes a low humming sound that drives him into a frenzy.  And when he cups his balls and kneads them like a Buddist monk with his prayer beds – that always get his lover _really_ worked up; Isak’s very sensitive when it comes to the ‘family jewels’.  Even almost breaks into a smile remembering that one time when he’d made Isak come by simply licking and nibbling at his ballsack, without ever touching his dick once.

 

His cock is hardening again, wedged between Isak’s butt cheeks; the natural scabbard for his sword.  But he realizes his boyfriend has had enough for tonight when he wriggles and turns on himself so they can face each other.  Even apologizes.

“ _Sorry, I just can’t control Dick sometimes, he does love you a lot you know!_ ”

And then Isak does that thing he adores.  He snorts and smiles and blushes all at once.  Then he says.

“ _Tell him I love him too but he’s one impatient fucker._ ”

Even strangles a laugh and there’s also a sob in there.  He pulls Isak closer and hugs him tight.  He whispers in that burning ear.

“ _I’m gonna miss you so fucking much!_ ”

When he releases him his lover’s eyes are brimming but he smiles and says.

“ _We’ll skype and before you now it it’ll be Christmas and you’ll be back!_ ”

 

 

Even’s eyes are filling up too, and he slowly shakes his head.  Both his hands reach out to capture his beloved’s face and bring it closer.  There’s growing concern in Isak’s eyes when he murmurs.

“ _What is it?_ ”

His throat is seizing up and he has to swallow several times until he can manage a reply.

“ _Madsen… he had me read that testimony of yours when I met him…_ ”

Isak’s eyes widen and his mouth opens, sucking in an outraged breath.  He doesn’t have time to curse a reply when Even puts one hand on his mouth and exhales.

“ _I am so sorry for what happened baby!_ ”

His tears are running freely now.

“ _I wasn’t there for you…_ ” He hiccups. “ _…when you needed me I wasn’t there!_ ”

His hand falls lifeless off his lover’s face and he shuts his eyes.  Isak kisses his brow and then his eyelids; he licks away those tears and kisses the tip of his nose and then his lips.  Finally he whispers.

“ _You weren’t yourself that night babe!_ ”

Even’s eyes jerk open and he moans.

“ _But that’s just it Isak!_ ”

He wipes at his nose and continues.

“ _How can I protect you when I’m not myself half the time??_ ”

Isak kisses his forehead again and sighs.

“ _I love you… no matter what!_ ”

Such simple words… and yet Even becomes enraged at the sound of them.  His lover doesn’t understand!  So he cries out.

“ _Do you realize the guy could’ve killed you!?!?_ ”

Isak stares back at him, obviously that had never occurred to him until now.  But soon he slowly shakes his head.

“ _But I’m not dead._ ”

Why won’t he understand?  He grabs his boyfriend’s face again and looks at him as if there was nothing else to look at then he grinds through his teeth.

“ _What will it be next time; me beating you up?_ ”

Isak is crying too now, shaking a denial.

“ _You could never do that!_ ”

“ _Maybe not but there’d be some other shit… I am sick Isak and I’ll always be sick!_ ”

He breathes deeply several times until he calms down.  When he speaks again he’s looking dead serious into is lover’s eyes.

“ _All of you think you can help me… that if you’re patient enough, caring enough you will somehow… tame it all away…_ ”

And again he can hardly move from the emotions. Isak makes to say something but Even shakes his head, blinking repeatedly. 

“ _Don’t say it’s not like that!  I KNOW!  I’ve seen it in my parent’s eyes, in Sonja’s and most of all in yours…_ ”

He breathes in and out until he slowly gets his misery back under control.  Then he looks at Isak for a long time.

 “ _Do you know what question is always, always on the back of my mind?_ ” 

Isak weakly shakes his head. 

“ _…Is it today when my boy decides he’s had enough of this?  That I’m not worth his efforts?_ ”  

 

They remain quiet for some time until Even looks away, feeling miserable.  He doesn’t see his lover’ eyes harden or his jaw clenching.  His tone is bitter when Isak speaks again.

“ _Why are you so fucking selfish Even?_ ”

Even abruptly looks back and he stares into Isak’s eyes; there he sees pain and anger and dismay.  His boyfriend’s hand angrily wipes away the gathering tears and is voice quivers from frustration.

“ _You’re so caught up in your own self-pity you didn’t even think about me did you?_ ”

Even’s mouth gapes open.  He’s thought of nothing else but him!  And Isak continues, even more intense.

“ _It’s like… you don’t believe in me!_ ” 

His eyes are unfocused and the tears are overflowing now; he’s trying to find the right words. 

“ _When I say I love you I mean it!  And…”  He wipes at his runny nose.  “…I’ve nursed you all summer so you could be well for New-York…_ ”

He licks at his lips and his voice breaks when he adds.

“ _Shit Even!  I didn’t even feel like having sex tonight…_ ” 

His eyelids close and he takes a few quick breaths to quiet down.

“ _…but I did it anyway… as a gift… for you, because you’re leaving!_ ”

 

They stare at each other through a curtain of tears.  Isak fixes him like a starving man looking for crumbs.  And when he finally speaks again his voice is so very quiet.

“ _So if you want to break up with me, then just have the balls to say so… please!_ ”

 

Even lets out one slow breath.  What has he done to deserve a boy like this?  How can he ever measure up to that kind of… commitment?  He gathers his lover into his arms and they rock together in silence.  Love responds to love without the need for words.  He kisses Isak’s hair again and again.  His baby has more faith in him, in them, than he ever could manage, and that is humbling.

 

*****

 

  **8-26-2018 17:09PM**

 

They’re at Gardermoen*1 and the boarding came and went.  Flight DY7001 en route to JFK airport will lift off at 18:05PM – to arrive in New-York City at 20:30PM EST.  He’s gone through Customs and his luggage has already been processed when he turns back towards them.  Dad hugs him close then holds him away by the shoulders.  He gifts him with a rare grin before kissing both his cheeks.

“ _I’m so damned proud of you pup!_ ”

Even smiles back, putting both thumbs up.

 

And then mom is there.  His arms become a cradle and he breathes in the scent of her.  Yet her eyes are dry when her left hand caresses his every feature.  Then she whispers.

“ _Show them all who you really are baby!_ ”

He plants a big smooch on her brow and she moves away.

 

After that it’s only him and Isak, facing each other.  His lover looks awkward, fidgeting with the cords of his overcoat.  Then he shyly looks at him, unsure what he should do.  And Even just melts, calling him into his arms.  They embrace like drowning men whose only salvation is one another.

 

“ **LAST CALL FOR FLIGHT DY7001 IN DIRECTION OF NEW-YORK’S JFK’S AIRPORT – PLEASE REACH GATE 3 NOW.** ”

 

Even cups Isak’s face in his hands and licks at his lips one last time.

“ _Never forget that I will always, always love you!_ ”

 

**********

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1- Oslo's International Airport at Gardermoen - about 40 minutes away north of Oslo.


	10. The Joker and the Thief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter new pieces on the Board...
> 
> \----------
> 
> The soundtrack presiding over this is Jimi Hendrik's "All along the watchtower", originally written by Bob Dylan. Here it is re-imagined by Bear McCreary for Ron Moore's new 'Battlestar Galactica' (running from 2003 to 2009) - Btw - the third and fourth season had a phenomenal soundtrack!
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cUchAD44xA8

# Isak

 

 

**12-6-2018 11:49AM**

 

 

He drops his knapsack on the empty chair next to the one he chooses for himself, near the bay window he usually favors.  The plate and the drink he carries go on the table while he fishes out his molecular biology manual from the bag.  And there’s the envelope, sticking askew between his laptop and another book, teasing him.  He got it in the mail two days ago.  He hasn’t opened it yet.  He grabs it and stares at the handwriting; Even’s.

 

  
****  
_Isak Valtersen_   


  
**  
_Ole Vigs Gate 19C_  
**

**_0366, Oslo_ **

**_Norway_ **

 

There is no return address and Isak already suspects what this is about, which is why he won’t read it and keeps delaying.

 

The last time they skyped was almost two weeks ago.  And it had been… awkward somehow.  Their usual banter felt forced and when Isak asked when Even would arrive for Christmas his boyfriend was vague, saying he wasn’t sure if he could make it…  When pressed he merely insisted this first semester was a lot more work than he’d anticipated.  Isak had wondered privately if he was taking his meds on a regular basis and even… if he’d had another episode? 

 

He sighs and tosses the letter back into the knapsack, discouraged.  He’s got class in an hour so he can’t be distracted.  It so happens that he too finds Uni somewhat harder to handle than Nissen was.  So he concentrates on the falafel wrap in front of him and on revising his notes.

 

 

# Eirik

 

 

**12-6-2018 12:41PM**

 

 

He makes a face, drinking some bottled water to wash down the garlicky indulgence that was supposed to be the salad’s dressing; _Frederique’s_ *1 menu hasn’t improved.  The main cafeteria on Blindern campus was operated as a concession and it showed.  He was waiting to have lunch with a friend but had decided on some appetizer in the meantime.

 

He glances at the tablet lying next to his plate and sighs; more depressing news on his feed…  So he brushes it aside and begins scanning the open area. Students and personnel are coming to and fro, rushing to whatever errands they had to attend to.  At some point his roaming gaze comes to rest on the lone figure sitting at the table near a bay window, perhaps ten meters away.

 

The young man’s back is turned on him so Eirik can’t see his face; but his head is plopped against the palm of his left arm, looking out.  There’s something about the whole tableau that suggest melancholy.  Perhaps it’s the forgotten knapsack next to him; or maybe the thick golden strand of hair trying to escape the red beanie?  Or simply just the posture, the lad seems to be reaching for something that is no longer within his grasp…

 

He’s so engrossed in his contemplation he doesn’t even hear Andreas stop next to the table.  He starts when his friend remarks.

“ _He really must be cute huh?_ ”

Eirik looks up and smiles.  There stands Andreas, head cocked with a mocking grin dancing on his lips.  The dirty blond hair is disheveled as usual; and he looks scruffy with that patch of fuzz on his thick jaw.  The hazel eyes are alive with playful intelligence though.  So Eirik glances back toward the distant boy and says.

“ _Eleven o’clock, next to the bay window, red beanie._ ”

Andreas looks back above his shoulder for a few seconds then he sits down facing him.

“ _Not much to go on from this angle…  Still he doesn’t look older than twenty; must be a first year._ ”

One eyebrow arches up and he jibes.

“ _You’re snatching them up their cribs now?_ ”

Eirik makes a face and drinks some more water before replying.

“ _As I recall you weren’t that much older when I met you… and you didn’t mind being ‘snatched’ either._ ”

Andreas affects a lazy shrug and deadpans.

“ _What can I say...I had to surrender before your ‘superior argument’._ ”

Eirik can’t help but chuckle at the innuendo.  They had met nine years ago at the London Pub*2, downtown, when he himself was thirty and Andreas twenty-five.  He was just starting his PHD in History then, and now he was a post-doctoral fellow here at UiO’s faculty of Humanities.

 

They had a tempestuous affair that lasted eight months until they split up.  Then he didn’t see Andreas for over a year until they ran into each other, one cold February Saturday evening, in the dim light of a sauna corridor.  And they had sex again in that pantry sized room he’d rented. 

Eirik snorts.

That’s one way to put it.  As a matter of fact what they did that night was fuck like dirty pigs, because Andreas was that good in bed; a demanding power bottom to his compliant top.  After that they were fuck-buddies for a couple of years but now they’re just friends.

“ _You’re leering… is your mind in the gutter again?_ ”  Andreas teases.

“ _I was thinking about you actually… that night at Hercules’ remember…?_ ”

 

His friend snorts in turn and looks away, but Eirik can see the faint flush on his cheeks.  He knows Andreas still has feelings for him, and that he would like nothing better than to resume their dalliance.  But the subject of AndyB would inevitably come up between them, and that would piss Eirik off, again.  He likes the guy’s mind, his biting humor, even his caustic cynicism – not to mention the powerful physical attraction…  But he just wasn’t in love.  So in the end he’d rather forgo the sex to keep their friendship.  Besides, when he feels the urge there’s always Grindr.

 

Andreas is rising from his chair when he announces.

“ _Come on, I’m starving.  Let’s go see what crap they serve today._ ” 

Then he glances at the gooey leftover dubiously and adds.

“ _How was the salad?_ ”

“ _Crappy._ ”

 

 

# Isak

 

 

**12-7-2018 20:10PM**

 

 

Isak is standing in front of the sink with both hands in soapy water as he rubs a plate clean.  Jonas is next to him, drying one piece after another as they come out, going on about something his girlfriend, Siri, had done earlier yesterday.  He smiles listening.  He’s come to adore Siri, she was such a hoot; and she handles Jonas like an expert. 

 

He shakes his head.  That sounded creepy.  There’s no question she loves his best friend a great deal – yet she has that touch, that talent, to keep Jonas on his toes, interested, never quite sure what she’ll do next.  Just like Even…  He sighs remembering.  No wonder these two had connected right away upon meeting last summer.  Isak presumes they were still in contact.  They must be.  Jonas elbows him gently and says.

“ _Are you here?_ ”

He had stopped washing the dishes for a moment so he resumes and mumbles.

“ _Sorry._ ”

They both keep at it in silence for a while until Jonas says.

“ _You’ve been glum ever since you came back from Uni… Is everything alright?_ ”

Isak doesn’t reply right away.  He’s scrapping the bottom of the pot they’d overcooked some spaghetti sauce in.  When it’s finally clean he rinses it before he hands it over and says in a blank tone.

“ _I got a letter in the mail last Monday… it’s from Even…_ ”

The rubbing dishcloth in Jonas’ hand stops and he clears his throat.  Isak glances up and he sees the guarded look in those green eyes.

 

When the summons came in early October, to appear in court for the preliminary hearings of his case at the end of that month, he had stayed quiet, talking only with Sana.  But in Norway the rights of criminals take priority over the rights of victims, and so his name had been aired publicly in the news.  And Yassir’s own was never mentioned because criminals have the right to remain anonymous, to protect their privacy you know…

 

The days leading to the hearings were really shitty.  He had to fend off his dad’s urgent calls and lie to his mother that it wasn’t him the news had been talking about.  He also had to tell his flat mate the whole story…  And now his best friend is frowning, the damp pot forgotten in his hands.  But he says nothing, waiting for Isak to speak.

“ _I haven’t opened it yet…_ ”

“ _Why?_ ”

Isak lets out a deep sigh as he pulls on the sink plug and wipes the foam of his hands.

“ _I think…_ ”  He sighs again.  “ _…I think it’s a break up letter…_ ”

Jonas merely hums, offering nothing else.

 

To say his best friend was angry when he learned about what happened in May would be an understatement.  No matter how much Isak had tried to explain the context surrounding his boyfriend’s mixed episode earlier that summer – Jonas remained convinced Even was to blame.  Fuck!  And to think those two had been friends before!

 

Jonas puts away to undried pot and clenches Isak’ shoulders with both hands.  He stares at him intently and says.

“ _Isak…_ ”  He shakes his head and sighs, trying to find the right words. “ _…I know how much you loved him…  Ahh… how much you *still* love him…_ ”

He makes a sucking noise while biting at his lips and goes on.

“ _…but you can’t deny the fact you were… abused; because he convinced you to have that threesome, and because he zoned out on you that night!  You can’t deny the fact you spent all summer making sure he was better; enough so he could leave for New-York in good shape…_ ”

Jonas lets go of him and resumes drying that pot until he finally utters, eyes hard.

“ _If this is indeed a breakup letter, after all you’ve been through for him then… yes I think you’re better off!”_

 

 

**12-7-2018 22:53M**

 

 

He closes his eyes and lets out a ragged breath… the accursed letter falling on the coverlet from his nerveless hand.  He still hadn’t found the strength to open it.  Was it the break up he truly dreaded or the words Even would use to justify it?  But perhaps he was completely off the charts and imagining things?  Maybe this was a message to say his man was coming home, fleeing Pence’s America!  He shakes his head, annoyed at himself.  Stop deluding yourself ‘Zac!  And suddenly he grabs the envelope and tears it open.  Then he starts reading.

 

“ _New-York, November 26th 2018_

_Dearest Isak,_

_You won’t be surprised to learn I had another episode in late October.  This school is really demanding and I was stressed out so I smoked weed... and forgot my pills…  Yea I know I shouldn’t have but that’s what it is.  In any case…I managed to spend close to a hundred thousand Kr *3 in a less than a week.  Let’s just say Dad isn’t really happy with me right now._

_I’m telling you all this because I believe you need to learn it from me, so you can… really measure the ‘cost’ of my condition!  I know what this sounds like, me being the selfish asshole you said I was.  But you can’t always… stick to a schedule; life gets in the way and the next thing you know you’re high – and then you’re really down…_

_I want… as much as I can still ‘want’ anything when it comes to you, I want…  Ok let’s call it a wish.  I wish… for you to be happy!  I wish for you to forget, no – for you to move on beyond me!  You deserve better Isak!  You deserve love and security – not the uncertain, faraway comfort I can offer you!_

_I love you Isak!  That is the only certainty I have.  And I will not – I fucking won’t – jeopardize that with me being sick and… careless.  I know this sounds, once again, like I’m being selfish, but it’s the best way I can describe it.  You’re far too precious to me to risk you over some random shit that I could say or do…_

_So I think we should take a break…  See how we are without each other; see how Isak and Even can live beyond ‘Evak’…  Let’s put it this way, I need to know you’re safe so I can feel safe.  Be what you were always meant to be: a beautiful boy that loves and is loved._

_I’ll always be yours!_

_Even._ ”

 

Isak closes his eyes and exhales.  Then he starts chuckling, but there’s an acrid aftertaste in his mouth.  ‘He wants me to love and be loved yet he dumps me…’  He bites his lips while silent tears run off his cheeks.  ‘What a sad joke…’ 

 

If that Police Inspector hadn’t showed Even Isak’s testimony he might have been able to do something but now…  Even is simply too consumed by guilt, because it validates and abates his personal loathing for his condition.  And Isak has no solution.  In fact, if he was perfectly honest, after a summer of nursing, and a fall full of prosecuting, he was… really tired of all this.

 

 

#  **Eirik**

**12-13-2018 12:31PM**

Today the boy isn’t alone.  There’s a girl wearing a black hijab with him.  She looks angry while she’s talking.  At some point she makes a slashing motion with her right arm and the lad, who’s still facing away, shrugs and leans over, spreading his hands open on both sides.  It’s as if he telling her.

‘What do you want me to do?!’

 

At that precise moment Andreas arrives and just drops on the chair in front of him, smirking.

“ _How’s your favorite show today?_ ”

Eirik grimaces and rubs his shaved skull with a hand.

“ _Urg… you make it sound like I’m a stalker or something…_ ”

Andreas lets out one of his quick little laughs.

“ _Stalking would imply you running around the city after that boy; hiding behind bushes so he can't see you…_ ”

He leans over, eyes wide in mock astonishment.

“ _Wait!  You aren’t actually doing this right?_ ”

Eirik laughs out loud, making as if to throw something at him.  And Andreas grins, pleased with himself.  After a few moments he says.

“ _I can find out who he is you know…_ ”

The words hang between them as Eirik stares.  So his friend continues.

“ _I have access to the registry of undergraduates on the intranet and… I already know he’s a biology student!_ ”

Eirik cocks his head, frowning.

“ _How can you know that?_ ”

Andreas sniffs as if insulted then he winks.

“ _On my way here I made sure to pass them by and I glanced on their table – it was stacked with molecular biology manuals…_ ”

He leans over and whispers, conspiratorial.

“ _Do you know anyone who reads those unless it’s their field?_ ”

Eirik grins and on impulse tousles his ex lover’s messy hair.  Andreas falls back in his chair and combs his mop with a hand before he says.

“ _I’m serious though; if you want I’ll find you his name and maybe even a picture._ ”

“ _Bahh… what would be the point?  Do you think I’m gonna go up to him and introduce myself…_ ” 

He mimics his own voice.

“ _…Hi I’m Eirik and I want to get to know you for no reason!_ ”  He makes a disgusted noise.

Andreas shakes his head, frowning and he asks.

“ _You’re obviously drawn to this guy… why?_ ”

Eirik shrugs, slowly licking his thin upper lips.

“ _Am I?  I don’t know…  The first time I saw him he looked so… despondent… like he’d lost something… or someone…_ ”

Andreas studies him and his eyes are keen under those groomed eyebrows.  His voice is quiet when he says.

“ _Are you sure this isn’t projection?_ ”

 

Eirik stifles a sigh.  And here we go again.  It always comes back to AndyB with Andreas.  But what if he’s right this time?  He looks away and his Andy looks back in his mind.    The full plushy lips, the Greek nose, the ruffled fringe of dark brown hair and those eyes, catlike and the brightest green he’s ever seen…  He turns back to Andreas and sighs.*4

“ _Maybe you’re right._ ”

“ _How long since the last time you went out on a date?_ ”  Andreas asks before quickly adding.

“ _A real one mind you - not just some random fucking._ ”

Eirik snorts and shakes his head.

“ _I’m getting too old for this…_ ”

And now his friend’s temper shows up and he snaps.

“ _Bullshit!  You’re smart, you’re funny and you’re even hotter now than when we first met.  That’s not it._ ”

He breathes to rein in his vexation and Eirik smiles fondly.  Ah that lightning temper of his, storming like a flash, sometimes for no obvious reasons.  So he's mild when he says.

“ _But you’re biased here…_ ”

Andreas is scowling again when he stares back, his gaze insistent.  He wants an honest answer.

 

“ _Last year in November… met through Grindr but he was quite good in the sack so we met again.  Twenty four, doing his masters in sociology...  One evening I took him to Eik’s *5 on Universitest…_”

Andreas is nodding, he knew the place.

“ _…and it was fine until he started prattling on about the tyranny of the patriarchy and the moral corruption of Western civilization._ ”

His friend sniggers.

“ _Dinner with a social justice warrior huh?  How privileged you were!_ ”  He waves around, meaning the campus at large. 

“ _They’re crawling here you know._ ”

When he speaks again Andreas’ voice is dripping contempt.

“ _And the worst of that lot are the feminazis – youtube that when you have a chance; you’ll laugh your ass off._ ”  He pauses and then. 

“ _What color were the guy’s eyes?_ ”

Eirik is started by the sudden shift.

“ _Green._ ”

Andreas cocks his head and hesitates then he puts one hand over Eirik’s own.

“ _It’s been thirteen years Eirik… you have to let it go._ ”

Eirik doesn’t respond so his friend insists

“ _Aren’t you tired of being alone?  I’m not preaching for myself here, I’ve made my peace with us.  I’m comfortable where we are now.  But I know better than most how caring and sensitive you can be…_ ”

Eirik blinks rapidly until he sighs.

“ _I… don’t want to go through anything like that again._ ”

 

He closes his eyes and he shudders at the memories.  He had gotten the call from the police at the office.  He rushed out and cabbed directly to St-Thomas’ Hospital.  Andy was already dead when he arrived.  Then there had been the funeral where his parents had publicly ignored him.  And finally that visit from Adrian Brighton, Andy’s father, the following Saturday at their flat.

 

The man was very polite yet cold and ruthless when he announced Eirik had to leave the apartment.  The place at been bought for Andrew upon his graduation but since there was no will, and since he and his son had been mere ‘friends’ – there was a sneer in the man’s tone even if he wasn’t showing any sign of it openly – himself and his wife would jointly inherit the property.  He can still remember the arrogant bastard’s parting words.

 

“ _I’m not an unreasonable man Mr. Nielsen.  I understand this is a difficult position I’m putting you in so I’m giving you three months to vacate the place.  If you wish to keep any memento of Andrew than by all means do so.  There is one thing though… you might want to consider returning to Norway; after what happened… a fresh start in a familiar environment might be the very thing you need.  I’d even be willing to facilitate that…_ ”

 

Eirik looked down at Andy’s father – at close to two meters tall he could look down on pretty much anyone – and he glared.  The man almost succeeded in hiding his sudden anxiety.  Yet Eirik’s voice was very calm when he replied.

 

“ _For the longest time I wouldn’t believe it but now I can see that Andy’s assessment of you was accurate.  You are indeed a heartless bastard Sir.  If you were not you would understand that I am mourning the one person that mattered the most to me.  You would not openly insult me with that distasteful offer of a bribe.  You know nothing of me and nothing of what existed between Andy and I; but above all you didn’t know your own son… because you didn’t want to know!  And you dare call yourself his father!  Leave now before I lose my calm!_ ”

The man had shot him a look of pure hatred before turning on his heels without saying another word.

 

Andreas is still waiting patiently when Eirik glances back at him.  There’s a sympathetic smile lingering on his friend’s lips.  And so Eirik clasps back his ex’s hand and says.

“ _You know you’re the closest I came to move on right?_ ”

Hi friend flashes a smile and nods, squeezing back.

 

*****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1- Frederique - Central cafeteria on Blindern Campus  
> ( http://www.uio.no/om/finn-fram/omrader/blindern/ )
> 
> 2- London Pub - The largest gay and Lesbian venue in Oslo  
> ( http://www.londonpub.no/ )
> 
> 3- 98740 Norwegian Kroner = 11,626 US$
> 
> 4- That's how Eirik and Andy looks like in my mind, when they were both at Oxford together:  
> ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nh9_t82ifiU )
> 
> 5- Eik Restaurant  
> ( http://restauranteik.no/english )


	11. I am lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In his shirt, I could be him...
> 
> \-----
> 
> Inspired by that song from The Irrepressibles:
> 
> [In This Shirt](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_17uuVDY_Po)

# Isak

 

 

**12-16-2018 13:26PM**

 

 

Isak rings on the bell and waits.  A couple of minutes later the door opens and Heidi welcomes him with a smile.  The last time he visited was in late October.  He texted her earlier, asking if he could stop by. He breathes in the faint scent of citrus and mint he’s come to associate with the place; Heidi makes her own air freshener with essential oils.  There are little bottles of those in every room of her house. 

 

Kristian is at the clinic like every Sunday so she motions him toward the green kitchen and asks over her shoulder.

“ _Would you care for some tea?_ ”

“ _Hum… sure._ ”

“ _Chai as usual?_ ”

“ _Yes please._ ”

 

He puts down his knapsack next to the chair he used to sit in all last summer while he lived with them.  It’s loaded with sundries from Even; several t-shirts borrowed from or forgotten by his boyfriend… Ex-boyfriend, a couple of pair of boxers…  He washed everything clean this morning.  There’s also a book Even had lost at some point – ‘Pictures at a revolution’ by Mark Harris – which Isak discovered yesterday while emptying the last box from his move in August; wedged between a physics manual and a notepad.

 

A few minutes later Heidi returns with two large steaming mugs on a tray.  Isak’s nose prickles at the rich spicy aroma and he allows himself a small grin.  He loves the way she does it, with foamy milk.  She deposits his mug in front of him and cradles hers as she sits down on the opposite side.  She smiles again and says.

“ _It’s good to see you again sweety._ ”

He smiles back, a little shy – she always calls him ‘sweety’ - then he breathes on the tea to cool it down.

“ _We haven’t seen you much lately…_ ” 

There’s a hint of reproach in her tone and he winces.

“ _I know… I’m sorry for that but Uni is a lot more intense than Nissen._ ” 

He watches her nodding and he licks his lips before asking, as casually as he can.

“ _Have you heard from Even recently?_ ”

The ghost of a frown forms on her brow.

“ _We skyped last Friday… in the morning like usual.  Why?_ ”

“ _Did he… say anything about me?_ ”

She looks puzzled now so Isak licks his lips again and fishes out the letter from a side pocket on the knapsack at his feet.  He pushes it on the table toward her without a word.  She stares at him and there’s concern in her eyes.  Then she opens the envelope and starts reading.

 

When she’s done she gapes at the sheets of paper in her hands then closes her eyes.  He hears her whisper.

“ _Oh Even…_ ”

Suddenly she reaches out and squeezes Isak’s right forearm.  Her eyes are creased with sympathy.  His throat tightens.  She doesn’t speak for a moment until she asks.

“ _Did you speak to him since?_ ”

He shakes a negative and she wonders.

“ _Shouldn’t you?_ ”

He bites his upper lips and shrugs.

“ _I don’t know anymore Heidi…_ ”  He shrugs again and continues.

“ _I don’t know what else I could say that would… make him stop feeling so guilty… and honestly…I don’t even know if I want to try…_ ” 

He shakes his head and looks bleak. 

 “ _Perhaps he’s right about taking a breather…?_ ”

Her eyes are moist when she asks.

“ _Do you really believe that?_ ”

He rakes at his hair.

“ _I’m so… tired of trying to convince him that I won’t stop loving him!_ ”

Finally he lets out a ragged breath.

“ _I want us back the way we were before that night!_ ”

 

*****

 

**12-16-2018 21:09PM**

 

 

Isak can hear Siri’s laughter coming from the living room.  Their flat is small and he has the smallest room.  But he doesn’t mind since it has a window opening on a lively side-alley.  When he left them after dinner they were talking about binging the third season of HBO’s ‘Westworld’.  He has no interest in that and besides he really should revise last week’s notes before the semester’s finals.

 

He sits at his desk, trying to concentrate on the matter at hand, yet all he can think of are Heidi’s words. 

‘Shouldn’t you?’

He picks up his phone and begins texting.

 

 **Isak** : “ _Dear Even…_ ”  He erases that and types instead.  “ _Hey, I got your letter…_ ” 

He sends it just like that.

 **Isak** : “ _I think you’re right – we need space._ ”

– Sent.

 **Isak** : “ _I brought back all the stuff you had here at your Mom’s._ ”

– Sent.

 **Isak** : “ _Even that book you’d lost.  I found it._ ”

– Sent.

 **Isak** : “ _When you understand that love is not a one-way ticket then call me…_ ”

– Sent.

 **Isak** : “ _Until then we should black out._ ”

– Sent.

 

He waits a long time for a reply that night but none comes; nor the day after, or the week after that…  He spends Christmas’ Eve alone in his flat, playing games on his console; Jonas is at his parents with Siri.  He visits his own family on Christmas day for dinner but otherwise he isolates himself during the whole Holiday recess; to the point of making excuses so he can avoid Eskild’s New Year party.  And when the new semester begins he still hasn’t heard anything from Even.

 

*****

 

 

# Eirik

 

 

**01-10-2019 12:54PM**

 

 

Today at Frederique the usual table near the bay window is empty; the boy isn’t there.  Eirik scans the area but there’s no sign of him.  He sighs and opens his Ipad.  He’s busy perusing his emails when something plops next to him, a brown envelope of that kind used for internal mail.  And a grinning Andreas puts a tray down on the table, their meal.

“ _There you are!_ ”

Eirik snorts and glances at the envelope.

“ _What’s that?_ ”

“ _Why a gift for the new year of course..._ ”

He looks smug when he sits.

 

Eirik opens the flap and withdraws a printed image, the black and white overblown reproduction of a student ID picture.  Andreas is smiling again when he says.

“ _His name is Isak Valtersen; a first year in Bio-Sciences like I guessed, in which case he’s based mostly at Gaustad campus._ ”

 

Eirik gazes at the narrow face with its high cheekbones; the large eyes are fanned with long lashes but he can’t quite make their color in black & white.  There’s a dimple on the chin, a snub nose, golden curls and those lips… pouty with upturned corners, suggesting an easy smile, and the loveliest of cupids.  Those were made for kissing very, very slowly.

 

The ghost of a smile dawns on Eirik’s mouth and he hears Andreas’ low chuckle.

“ _When I saw him I just knew he’d be your type._ ”

Eirik snorts again and retorts.

“ _Did you recycle into matchmaking when I wasn’t looking?_ ”

And suddenly he frowns as a thought occurs to him.

“ _Are you even allowed to provide that kind of information Andreas?_ ”

“ _All of this is public domain, available to anyone who has access to UiO’s intranet.  It’s not like I gave you his home address._ ”

He begins munching on the roast beef sandwich he bought for himself and adds.

 “ _Anyway I checked online and he has a Facebook account.  He’s also on Instagram; look for ‘isakyaki’._ ”

Eirik makes a face and glances back at Andreas.

“ _I despise Facebook and I don’t take or share pictures._ ”

“ _No but you could look at his… Among the most recent ones there are plenty of shots of him with another guy, a little older by the looks of it… a boyfriend perhaps?_ ”

Eirik swallows a bite of his own sandwich before washing it down with some water; then he frowns at his friend.

“ _What is this really about Andreas?_ ”

The younger man ignores the question and grows serious.

“ _There might be something else about the lad…  The name rang a bell for some reason when I found out._ ” 

He pauses.

“ _I had to dig up in the archives of Norway Today*1 from October.  There was a bit of a row in front of the Oslo District courthouse on October 25th, that week while you were in Mallorca.  Pakistani protesters complaining about racism in a court case being heard that day; a sordid affair of rape involving an unnamed 26yo man of Pakistani origins and a 19yo man of Norwegian origins whose name was Isak Valtersen…_ ”

Eirik is staring.  Andreas shrugs and adds.

“ _Both names, Isak and Valtersen are not uncommon so it could be just a coincidence… but it could also mean there’s more to his story…_ ”

 

*****

 

 

# Isak

 

 

**02-12-2019 9:52AM**

 

 

He’s nervous and he can’t help biting at his thumb’s nail.  When Sana had suggested this in December he had refused adamantly, but she kept on insisting.  It wasn’t until he called her crying in the middle of the night, the day after New Year, that he finally admitted she might be right.  They had spoken until the sun came up and he had calmed down.  He can still remember her last words.

“ _Sometimes you just need to talk to someone who has no stake in your story; not a parent, not a friend, just a random stranger…_ ”

So he had registered online for an appointment in mid January and here he waits to meet his new psychiatrist, a woman by the name of Bodil Olsen.

 

He’s lost in thought when he hears her voice, a deep contralto.

“ _Isak Valtersen?_ ”

He looks up and takes in the short stubby woman, in her fifties perhaps, with a cropped mop of iron grey hair.  She has the knob nose one usually associate with trolls…  Yet her smile is engaging while she extends a hand.  But it’s when he looks into those lively dark grey eyes that the sudden urge to giggle dies.  So instead he nods and rises to follow her.

 

Upon reaching her office she motions for him to take the plush chair facing her desk while she closes the door behind them.  Once she’s ensconced in her own seat she cocks her head and studies him for some time before she says.

“ _Can you tell me why you sought counseling?_ ”

He licks his lips and looks away, uncomfortable.  The woman waits patiently until he sighs and says.

“ _I have trouble sleeping and I can’t focus in class…  Sometimes I get so anxious I can hardly breathe…_ ”

He takes a deep breath to swallow the pain in his throat and continues.

“ _I feel miserable… I… cry a lot…_ ”

She nods and asks.

“ _How long have you been like that?_ ”

“Since December…”

“ _Did anything special happen in December?_ ”

He snorts.

“ _You could say that…_ ”  He shakes his head. “ _My boyfriend broke up with me…_ ”

“ _What reason did he give?_ ”

He sighs.

“ _It’s complicated…_ ”

She smiles.

“ _Complicated is what I do Isak._ ”

 

So he tells her about Even and about his bipolar condition.  He speaks of the shitty summer he had, and the following fall that wasn’t so great either.  Finally, he mentions what happened last May without getting into the details.  All the while she didn’t interrupt him and simply listened.  Now she’s frowning and asks.

“ _Can you give me the names and coordinates of Even’s parents?_ ”

He stares at her, panicking.

“ _Why?_ ”

“ _I need to reach Even’s therapist Isak; unless you happen to know his or her name?_ ”

“ _He mentioned a Mathias once or twice I think…_ ”

She looks pensive for a moment then shrugged.

“ _No matter I’ll find him.  But just in case..._ ”

She sees he’s still hesitant.

“ _Isak I do not discuss my patients with outsiders, unless it’s another professional like this Mathias.  So you don’t need to worry about any of this getting back to Even._ ”

“ _Kristian and Heidi Bech Naesheim.  +47 22 08 74 02_ ”

She writes down the information.

“ _Alright first things first…  What’s your usual schedule on Fridays?_ ”

“ _Hum… I have lab class in the morning but nothing after._ ”

“ _OK so I want to see you again this coming Friday…”_   She glances at her computer screen.  _“…I have a spot between 14:00 and 15:00PM – will that be ok with you?_ ”

He shrugs and nods.

“ _Isak what I want to do is take care of the most immediate problem first: those anxiety peaks and the melancholy._ ”

He just listens.

“ _So I will prescribe you a mild antidepressant…_ ”

He shakes his head urgently.

“ _I don’t want any drugs!_ ”

“ _It’s the smallest dose of Zoloft; it’ll help with the anxiety and may also help with the sleep since it makes some people drowsy._ ”

She takes a pad and quickly jots down some notes.  There’s a tearing sound and then she holds the prescription between her raised fingers.

 

He looks at her, feeling trapped.  Then he sighs and grabs the note, resigned.  She goes on.

“ _I want you to start tomorrow; one 25 mg pill a day, at breakfast.  It’ll take a few days to kick in.  We’ll readjust later if need be._ ”

She pauses and thinks of something else.

“ _I would also like for you to start writing a journal..._ ”

He rolls his eyes at that.  She ignores it.

“ _I’m serious.  Write down how you feel, how your day went, your observations and thoughts.  I suggest you do that for about twenty minutes, at the same time every day…  Say after dinner or before going to bed.  So long as it becomes a habit, every day…  Oh and don’t stress out over editing or grammar or punctuation.  Just write as you feel it until your time is up._ ”

He shrugs again.

“ _Ok._ ”

She smiles as she rises and he takes his cue.  She escorts him back to the lobby and offers her hand.

“ _I’ll see you next Friday Isak._ ”

 

*****

 

 

# Eirik

 

 

**02-20-2019 19:11PM**

 

 

Eirik sits at his desk, trying to concentrate on the translation he has to hand in three weeks from now; a technical description of the IUPAC, the International Chemical Idendifier (InChI).  He makes a mental note to contact Niels Andersen the next day.  Most people, when thinking about technical writing, don’t realize that the writer himself doesn’t have to be a subject-matter expert; Niels, a senior engineer at the CTCC, was that.  And Eirik had been consulting with him on a regular basis lately, to clarify some of the theoretical underpinnings of the manual.  Eirik rubs at the bridge of his nose and starts reading again.

 

“…The only complexity arises for isotopically labeled hydrogen atoms that can undergo

tautomerism.  In the mobile H group these hydrogen atoms are treated as non-isotopic; the

number of these mobile isotopic hydrogen atoms is appended to the ‘exchangeable isotopic

hydrogen atoms’ part of the isotopic layer…”

 

He closes both eyes and sighs.

‘This shit is so dull!’ 

But it pays the bills so…  He stands up and begins stretching his arms mechanically.  Lately he’s been noticing he needs to do this more often than he used to, especially during long bouts of work at the computer.

 

And Freki keeps watching him with both green eyes half closed, lounging as usual from his perch on the fourth sill of the nearest bookshelf, a favorite nook.  His silvery Russian Blue is nonchalant… deliberately so; the lazy tail sways, curling and uncurling like a question mark.  Eirik glances that way briefly but affects indifference and he returns to the flexing routine.  He tries to avoid looking at the black and white picture pinned on the wall above his desk.

 

He won’t admit it openly but he’s become somewhat obsessed with the lad and his inscrutable eyes.  He had reactivated his old Facebook account just for this but there hasn’t been much activity on the boy’s page since September last year.  More interesting was Instagram…  Yes he did break down and register there…  How Andreas would laugh if he knew!  The oldest pictures seemed to focus on a curly black haired youth with bushy eyebrows… and the newest ones were mostly of a tall handsome blond guy whose name was Even.  Isak looked so happy with him…  He shies away from the memory.  He averts his gaze until it comes to rest on a nearby quote nailed on the grey wall.

 

" **Technical writers are trained to reveal almost nothing about themselves in their writing. This makes them freaks in the world of writers, since almost all of the other ink-stained wretches in that world reveal a lot about themselves to the reader.** "

– Kurt Vonnegut

 

He’d put that one there as a warning to himself.  His job is to explain technologies, processes, and products in many formats, including print, online, and other electronic means – not to dabble in fiction. 

 

He looks at the next one.

 

“ _ **Writing in English is the most ingenious torture ever devised for sins committed in previous lives.**_ ”

– James Joyce

 

Eirik snorts; the same could be said about writing in any language.  Despite Vonnegut’s admonition he keeps trying and the results are inevitably the same: he plods along yet his words never flow or fly; they crawl in the mud on their mangled joints until they fall flat on their faces.  He grimaces. 

 

Well… to be fair he doesn’t ‘dabble’ very often, only when he’s seized up by some strong emotions, usually involving guys…  And you really can’t get better if you don’t practice.  The truth is he just doesn’t get the ‘Show don’t Tell’ thing.  Telling a story implies telling it right?  Yet at the same time he perceives and appreciates what makes the truly gifted different.

 

Whenever he’s reading for leisure, if he comes across a clever or insightful turn of phrase, he writes it down.  Take Scott Bakker for instance, his favorite fantasy author.  One becomes dizzy reading his prose; such depth and virtuosity combined!  He scans his desk and leans to grab his tablet, unlocking it with a swipe. 

 

Froki’s ears prick up and his eyes open when Eirik begins reading aloud in English.

 

  
**“Of course he could see only blackness, such was the treachery of fire, which illuminated small circles by darkening the entire world.” *2**

**…**

“ **You can only believe so many lies before becoming one of them.** ”*3

**…**

**“…hope is little more than the premonition of regret...” *4**

 

He lets out a wistful sigh and drops the tablet on his chair as he continues revolving on himself.  There are printed quotes pined on all four walls of his small study.  He stops before a piece of yellowed paper framed under glass.  Something he had written for Andy at Oxford, in the beginning.

 

  
**“…If I must be mad**

**for you to love me but a little**

**Then I shall kneel and drink**

**In the Church of your eyes…” *5**

 

And finally he comes full circle, facing Isak again.  His gaze lingers for a moment then he reads the quote tacked directly underneath.

 

“ _ **Look how you have fallen from Heaven, O Shining One, son of the dawn!**_ ”

– Isaiah 14:12

 

 

*****

# Isak

 

 

**03-15-2019 10:07AM**

 

 

Isak stands fidgeting, gazing outside the window in Bodil’s office while she’s busy reading his latest assignment.  They had been seeing each other every Friday in the last six weeks.  And he has to admit, this journal business wasn’t the chore he’d feared.  As a matter of fact he’s discovered that writing down anything that bothered him during the day, right before getting into bed, cleared his mind and allowed him to rest easier.  He sent the weekly compilation to Bodil via email ahead of the next session so she could prepare for the following interview.  This time around was different though. 

Last Friday they had discussed his break up and he had showed her Even’s letter.  So she asked him to write a reply.

“ _Tell him everything you would have told him if you had responded._ ”

 

She clears her throat when she is done and Isak makes his way back to his chair.  She waits until he’s comfortable and says.

“ _You writing continue to improve.  You are usually very clinical.  Do you find it difficult to convey emotions being so neutral?_ ”

He thinks about it then shakes his head.

“ _I think the distance helps me focus and see more clearly…  It allows me to have a larger perspective on things._ ”

She taps at the sheets of paper sprawled in front of her.

“ _You were not detached here._ ”

“ _If I was to reach him I had to be completely earnest…_ ”

She nods and gathers the sheets before ordering them.  Then she looks at him keenly and says.

“ _Now I will read your letter back to you.  So close your eyes and imagine you’re Even, back in New-York City, receiving this._ ”

He takes a deep breath and obeys her.  She clears her voice and begins.

“Hi Even,

 

I got your letter two days ago.  I laughed and cried after reading it.  I laughed because of the irony of you saying you wanted me to be loved while dumping me at the same time.  And I cried because of the tragedy of you cutting your nose to spite your face.

 

I cannot claim to know how it feels to be bipolar; how it feels to lose control without even knowing it is happening or how it feels to come crashing down after being so high.  I’m nothing but a witness looking in from the outside when you are caught up in your cycle.

But what I do know is that you’re not always a ‘prisoner’; you’re not always adrift on a raging sea.  There are long periods when you’re cruising along, ‘normal’ if you want to call it that way.  And in those stretches I was with you, just like I was during those storms.

 

Do you know what hurts the most?  It’s not the rape… or the aftershock of the rape; it’s not you leaving abroad though that was hard.  What really hurt is realizing you had lost faith in me; it’s you deciding, alone in New-York, that ‘I deserve better’.  On the one hand you tell me your love for me is the only certainty you have – while on the other you deny my own certainty by withdrawing and hiding behind your illness.

 

Do you remember that night, before you left for America, when I told you ‘when I say I love you I mean it!’?  Well your letter was like a slap in the face – you rejecting everything we had, everything we were.

 

And I am so fucking angry right now, do you know why?  Because you made me real!  I came out of the closet and I stopped lying to myself and my friends because of you.  Yet somehow, even knowing that (and how could you not know that for Christ sake!?), you chose to disregard my word, my bond to you – and you listened to your fear instead.

 

Do you realize what you’ve done?  By fearing what *could* happen – you made it happen.  How can I trust you now?  How can I put myself in your hands if you won’t put yourself in mine?  After everything we went through together I thought you understood this!  And don’t you fucking dare fall back on your illness!  Own up man!

 

There can be no love without trust Even.

 

Isak”

 

*****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *   
>  <http://norwaytoday.info/>   
> 
>   
> 
> *   
> [ Scott Bakker](https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/8587.R_Scott_Bakker), [The Warrior Prophet](https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/20230)  
> 
>   
> 
> *   
> [ Scott Bakker](https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/8587.R_Scott_Bakker), [The White Luck Warrior: The Aspect Emperor, Book 2](https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/3252260)  
> 
>   
> 
> *   
>  [ Scott Bakker](https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/8587.R_Scott_Bakker)   
>  [The Thousandfold Thought](https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/1456014)   
> 
>   
> 
> * The original verse was written in French by a Québécois Artist named Éric Lapointe:
>   
> [Loadé comme un gun](http://www.repertoiredesartistesquebecois.org/Paroles.asp?IdParole=77)


	12. Never say Never

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where further truths are revealed and old friends collide...
> 
> _____
> 
> The soundtrack suggested this time around is:
> 
>    
> Depeche Mode's  
>    
> [The Policy of Truth](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIWT8enKI4I)
> 
> and
> 
>  
> 
> [Strangelove](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JIrm0dHbCDU)

# Isak

 

**04-12-2019 9:58AM**

 

 

He stands before the window, looking out.  He likes the impression of being elsewhere.  It makes it easier to answer Bodil’s hardest questions when they drip down on him.  He gazes at the burgeoning trees and the people walking by down below.  Today she begins like this.

“ _Let’s talk about sex…_ ”

It’s so sudden, so random that he laughs out loud.  When the last of his giggling dies down Bodil simply remarks.

“ _Talking about this really makes you uncomfortable doesn’t it?_ ”

He doesn’t look back but keeps staring outward.

“ _Yes._ ”

“ _Why is that?_ ”

He lets out a sigh as he shrugs.

“ _I was in the closet for so long…_ ”  He pauses and concentrates.  “ _Years of hiding what you truly feel don’t get erased overnight you know?_ ”

“ _Even after you were in an openly gay relationship for over a year and a half?_ ”

He chews at his lips.

“ _There is no shame when I’m alone with someone I love… but otherwise… the guilt is like a… ghost limb._ ”

“ _What is your first memory of desire?_ ”

He finally glances back at her, querying.  So she clarifies.

“ _When was the first time you ever thought about anything sexual?  How did it feel?_ ”

He returns to looking out, breathing slowly for a while.  A memory surfaces in his mind.

 

He’s eleven years old.  Both he and his dad are trudging through a snowy trail in the Nordmarka forest, looking for elk signs on a February afternoon, and Dad is pointing out at various telltales of a buck passing by recently.  At some point they stop near a tall silver birch and dad opens his trousers’ zipper, producing a thick flaccid dick which straightened with every squirt of piss coming out of it.

 

“ _I was eleven…  Dad took me hunting several times that winter, like he did every winter since I was six…_ ”

He pauses.

“ _At some point we made a pit-stop… I remember staring at pappa’s dick the whole time he… urinated._ ”

He cocks his head.

“ _I couldn’t stop watching… it was so much bigger than mine that I wanted to hold it and see how it compared…_ ”

He brushes a hand over his mouth.

“ _When he finished I looked up, feeling guilty, and I saw dad looking back, frowning, as if he was wondering what had gotten into me…_ ”

He winces.  Pappa never took him back hunting after that.  And he grew more… reserved towards him afterwards.

 

“ _What about your first experience?  The first time you actually…envisioned anything related to homosexuality?_ ”

He munches at his upper lips.

“ _It was in the summer.  Jonas and I were fourteen…  We went to Paradisbukta*1 on a Saturday and lounged there most of the day.  We swam, we played Frisbee, we talked…  At some point he was lying on his back and I noticed the bulge in his grey trunks.  I think my crush on him began right there._ ”

“ _Did anything ever happen with him?_ ”

“ _Jonas?!_ ”  He laughs.  “ _No… I kept my feelings close to my heart all through the following year, and the first year at Nissen._ ” 

He exhales and makes a face. 

“ _But I did meddle in his love life – I was jealous.  And the worst is his girlfriend then was – is a good friend of mine._ ”

 

“ _You met Even in your second year at Nissen yes?_ ”

He nods.  They had talked about this already, in general terms.  Now she wanted details.

“ _He was your first?_ ”

“ _Yeah…_ ”

“ _What happened and how was it?_ ”

He swallows a grin and the urge to ask is simply too much so he turns back again, looking squarely at her.

“ _I’ve been wondering… are you a lesbian?_ ”

Her left eyebrow arches up but she’s still smiling.

“ _We’re not here to talk about me Isak!  But yes, I am._ ”

“ _Do you have a partner?_ ”

“ _Yes I do, now concentrate please!_ ”

He smiles at the window and he resumes.

“ _I was with my mates one evening… they already knew about me and at some point Jonas asked what was going on with Even…_ ”  He chortles at the memory.  “ _…the thing is nothing was happening; Even kept leaving drawings in my locker or in my pockets while I was in PE but nothing more…_ ”

He snorts.

“ _So the guys, straight guys mind you, they… instructed me on how to handle a skittish partner…  I ended up texting an ultimatum: stop your shit – be serious – or I’m out!_ ”

He chuckles a little.

“ _They thought he’d call…  But he didn’t… Instead he came running…  I saw my mates out through the back door and opened the main one._ ”

He remembers being breathless.

“ _We didn’t speak past the first ‘Hi’… everything else after that was… hot…_ ”

Bodil smiles in understanding.  She cocks her head.

“ _And after that there was the hotel episode right?_ ”

He frowns.  Yeah – that awful night when he discovered about Even’s condition…   Yet the evening earlier had been super steamy.

The first time he had anal sex was there, in that suite at the Radisson Blue.  Even using his tongue to open the gate; Even pushing in slowly; Even filling him up as he stole his every breath away…  Isak remembers the pressure closing in until it pounded on his prostate, releasing the last of his inhibitions…

‘Holy Fuck that was good!’

Nothing after that ever came close to that one evening – and they were very diligent when it came to sex – except the last time, when he forced himself to grind on Even – just so his boyfriend could feel good before leaving.

 

He licks his lips and looks at her.

“ _Let’s just say we enjoyed each other’s company a great deal during the year and a half we were together…_ ”

She smiles again, knowingly this time.

“ _Alright… and since then?_ ”

He shrugs.

“ _When I feel like it then I’m fifteen years old again… I watch porn and masturbate – that’s about it._ ”

“ _No thought of going out?  Meeting new people?_ ”

He makes a face and blows through his lips.

“ _Nah...  Why would I want more bullshit at this point?_ ”

Bodil ignores this and asks.

“ _Would you describe yourself as a top or a bottom?_ ”

He almost laughs again.  The woman is relentless.

“ _Bottom._ ”  No hesitation.

“ _You’ve never topped?_ ”

“ _Once…  Even wanted me inside him one night…_ ”

“ _Did you enjoy it?_ ”

“ _Of course... but it’s not really me…_ ”

She frowns and asks.

“ _Why not?_ ”

Isak stares back at her.

“ _I like dicks…_ ”

Her voice is carefully neutral when she remarks.

“ _It doesn’t explain why you prefer being submissive._ ”

He shakes his head.  How do you describe this to a female, a lesbian no less?

She must have sensed his dilemma because she asks instead.

“ _What do you see when you look at a guy’s dick?_ ”

“ _Jesus Bodil!_ ”

But he thinks about it some more…

“ _If the guy is in briefs than I think of it as a packaged gift, ready to be opened…_ ”

“ _And if he’s naked?_ ”

“ _If he’s limp it’s like a juicy grape waiting to be plucked._ ”

“ _And if he’s hard?_ ”

“ _Security, stability, power!_ ”

“ _What do you mean by power?_ ”

 

He frowns, that came out without thinking.  He goes back to the multitude of memories of Even naked and there’s one in particular that stands out.  He had come to his place after dinner in late January of last year.  Isak didn’t expect him since Even usually had evening classes on Wednesdays at UiO.

“ _I had this urge to touch you so I came right away after my workshop…_ ” He said kissing him, his hands feeling him all over.

“ _…I don’t have much time but I want you._ ”  He started to remove his clothes and Isak followed suit. 

 

They stood facing each other, both hard.  Even spat in his hand and grabbed his boyfriend’s cock, stroking it slowly.  Isak did the same.  Each of them placed the arm that wasn’t busy on the shoulder of the other.  The pace increased and they began panting in unison.  They leaned on each other’s foreheads pumping faster and faster.  The feeling was incredible.  They were like a piston engine; an electrical circuit whose charge kept looping in a feedback.  And when they climaxed they exploded on each other’ belly together, perfectly synchronized.

 

He returns to the present and smiles at his therapist.

“ _I don’t have experience with many guys…_ ” only with Even and Yassir in fact “ _…but I’ve felt it time and again with Even, and also with the other guy…_ ”

He suddenly realizes that when he speaks about him he can never utter Yassir’s name out loud.  Bodil clears her throat and asks.

“ _What is it that you feel?_ ”

“ _When I have another guy’s dick in my hand I feel stronger, as if I was more than just myself.  It’s a weird feeling… like I’m tapping into his vitality, if that makes sense?_ ”

She nods and remains silent.  He looks back out the window and goes on.

“ _When my mouth is filled with a dick I literally suck the life out of him…_ ”

“ _So you like to swallow?_ ”

He snorts.

“ _I did it a few times to please Even but I don’t really like the sensation, the… viscosity of it.  It’s just like when you have a cold and you’re congested, with all those secretions stuck in the back of your throat…  Urg!_ ”

He grimaces then a thought occurs to him.

“ _We did have a little ritual though.  After having sex we would dip a finger in the puddle of cum and trace each other’s lips with it before the last kiss…_ ”  He sighs and stays quiet until Bodil prompts.

“ _And where does anal sex fit in your power theory?_ ”

Again he glances back at her.

“ _A massive injection of strength of course…  And you were wrong earlier about being submissive…_ ”

He was about to say ‘I’m not a woman’ but that would both unfair and untrue.  At least he thought so, he didn’t really know since he never did anything with a girl other than make out.

“ _…people seem to think that guys who prefer to catch rather than pitch are limp and passive but that’s not how it works…_ ”

He suddenly remembers Mags asking him who was the woman when two guys have sex.

“ _…at least not for me when I was with Even.  I used to like a rough tumble every once in a while; not all the time but when I was in the mood I totally enjoyed a hard ride.  In those occasions I was the one driving in bed and his craving for me was Even’s leash…  That too is power… the power of ‘apparent’ submission._ ”

 

Bodil takes some notes before she asks.

“ _Is there a type of man you prefer?  You know…‘he has to have blue eyes!’…that sort of thing._ ”

Where was she going with all this?  He shrugs and blows out some air, not really knowing what to say.  He thinks back on all the porn he used to watch before Even.  And even now, in those few and far between occasions when he’s horny (that was one side effect of the Zoloft he hadn’t counted on – his sex drive going flat – but perhaps that was for the best), there’s always a few things he keeps looking for.

 

The ‘actors’ have to be clean shaven – he can’t stand most facial hair, especially not those full blown hipster beards!  There are three things that make a guy hot: his eyes, his lips and his ass.  It frustrates him to no end to see half the face of a guy he suspects is cute hidden under a filthy bushy carpet!

 

The irony is that he’s drawn by guys with hairy bodies – perhaps because he doesn’t have any himself, other than in the usual places?  He thinks of Even and Jonas and neither one of them has any body hair to speak of…  But they are exceptions: one is the guy he fell in love with and the other is his best friend.

 

He also enjoys older guys.  Not ancient… just somewhat older.  He doesn’t remember how many times he’s jerked off over clips of thirtysomethings ‘taking care’ of twinks – who are usually blond like he is… And he likes them tall, well at least as tall as himself.  He doesn’t care about the color of the skin or the eyes.  Oh… there’s one other thing… they have to be well hung; the bigger the better in fact.

 

He moves back to his chair and sits down.  Then he looks at his therapist who is waiting patiently and says.

“ _Older, taller, hairy but clean-shaven, and well hung..._ ”

“ _Just like Yassir then...?_ ”

 

He stares at her with his mouth open.  Then he shakes his head and begins chuckling; all this roundabout questioning to reel him back towards the rape without mentioning it, thus avoiding any triggering.  Clever Bodil!  She summarizes.

“ _You wanted that threesome to happen so you could experience more of that ‘power surge’ you enjoy when having sex… and you chose a guy that fit all the criteria you find attractive in a man – is that an accurate assessment?_ ”

He can’t help but smile an acknowledgement as he nods.

“ _Do you hate him?_ ”

The question is like a thunderclap.  By him she meant Yassir.  And all of a sudden he’s back there, sucking on Yassir’s cock, looking up at him after emerging from a deep dive on his thick rod, seeing the dilated pupils filled with wonder and fear…

 

He closes his eyes and shakes his head.  He takes a breath and says.

“ _I hate what he did… and why he did it…_ ”

“ _Why do you think he did it?_ ”

“ _He was in the closet, for all I know he still is, anyway he was ashamed of himself and he… identified with Even… who moved away because he couldn’t stand to watch his lover being touched by someone else… So…_ ”

He squeezes both eyes shut and tears run down his cheeks.  Bodil’s voice is full of sympathy when she speaks.

“ _None of this is your fault Isak…  All three of you went into this encounter willingly…  But you were all carrying baggage… a history of expectations, fears, hopes and fantasies…_ ”

She breathes in before continuing.

“ _When you throw the dice in the air… who can predict how they’ll come down?_ ”

It takes some time until he can speak again.

“ _The guy’s a piece of shit… but he’s not *just* a piece of shit…  So to answer your question… what I feel is mostly pity… for what he once was, what he could have been if he’d allowed himself to be real…_ ”

“ _And how do you feel now that he’s behind bars?_ ”

The condemnation came last November.  The bench was unanimous in its judgment.  And Yassir was sentenced to three years of prison.  At one point during the proceedings they had stared at each other; Yassir had lowered his gaze first.  Isak chose to interpret it as an admission that what he did was wrong.  He sighs and replies.

“ _I hope… he doesn’t get worse…_ ”

 

 

*****

 

# Eirik

 

 

**04-25-2019 19:36PM**

 

 

Eirik is slowly watching the sauce simmer on the oven.  The pastas are already cooked but he can’t rush the Carbonara.  He adds a soupcon of nutmeg and whisks it into the creamy blend.  He’ll add the guanciale at the end.  Andreas wanders in the kitchen with Froki in tow.  He gulps at a glass of Chianti, smacking his lips.  Eirik smiles and says.

“ _Aren’t you going a little hard on the wine?_ ”

Andreas rolls his eyes.

“ _Don’t worry handsome, I won’t puke on your white walls._ ”

Eirik hears the bitter undertone in his friend’s voice.  He’s willing to bet this has to do with the German diplomat Andreas was seeing lately.  So he asks.

“ _How is Kurt?_ ”

“ _Ah!  Who’s that?  Oh you mean the tall hunky Teuton who enjoyed fucking his Norwegian boytoy until he dumped him to return to his fat German cow of a wife?_ ”

Eirik’s eyes crease in sympathy as he watches Andreas quaffing down some more of the red liquid in the bulbous glass.  There the sauce is ready.

“ _Are you hungry?_ ”

The younger man shrugs.  Andreas sure isn’t a foodie!  It’s not that he can’t appreciate a tasty meal but more like he finds the task of eating a waste of time, a chore to be done with as soon as possible.

 

He watches his friend nurse another glass of wine.  Andreas looks dejected after dinner as they sit in the bare living room.  Most of his apartment is like that.  White walls with no decorations.  Eirik likes the emptiness; it’s as if the walls are a canvass upon which anything can be imagined.  There is no music playing in the background either; it’s not that he dislikes music – he just enjoys the silence.  He smiles at the reference.  Depeche Mode published that song in 1990.  He was eleven then.  That’s when he became a lifelong fan of theirs.  The winding pit-pat of the bridge echoes in his mind.  And suddenly he wants to listen to some.  He rises and gets his phone.  He selects the DM playlist and sets the phone on its base atop the mantelpiece.  He connects it to the surround-sound system and presses start.

 

The first languid notes of ‘ _Policy of Truth_ ’ resonate and Eirik’s shoulders begin to sway as he snaps his fingers.  Froki jumps on the sofa, then on its head where he nestles and starts purring.  And Andreas looks at him like he’s gone mad.  Eirik starts laughing then extends both arms and motions with his hands for his friend to join him.  Andreas rolls his eyes but he has a small grin plastered on his face.  Eirik makes a plea with both hands, looking at his guest like a sad puppy.  And he sees Andreas breathing a WTF before he puts the glass aside and rises to join him.

 

Eirik holds his friend by the shoulders and controls the rhythm of their lazy dancing.  He stares at Andreas and on cue starts mouthing the lyrics.

 

‘…You'll see your problems multiplied  
If you continually decide  
To faithfully pursue  
The policy of truth…’

 

He guesses why Kurt left.  Andreas can be brutally honest at times and his sharp tongue could cut through the thickest of skin.

‘…Never again  
Is what you swore  
The time before…’

 

The younger man pulls his tongue at him and Eirik laughs again.  He could be such a brat.  The next song is one of his all time favorites: ‘ _Strangelove_ ’.  Even though he knows that the true meaning of that one is the need for partners in a couple to be sincere with each other, he always found it erotic, homoerotic in fact.  That is a shallow take but there it is.

 

Now Eirik’s hands are resting on Andreas’ hips and they are closer, swaying against each other.  His friend’s pupils are dilated and he lip-synchs in turn.

 

‘…Will you take the pain  
I will give to you?  
Again and again  
And will you return it?...’

 

It is not long before they are kissing deeply.  Eirik pulls at Andreas’ trousers, bringing his ex close enough that he can feel his hard-on pushing against the taut fabric.  He puts his teeth on the younger man’s throat, tracing the jugular down, and is rewarded when a low hmm, almost a growl, escapes Andreas’ lips.

 

They shamble up the stairs, stopping every other second to grasp and grope and lick and they’re already half naked when they stumble on the bed in Eirik’s bedroom.  Andreas puts a hand on the older man’s chest then rises to close the door; he doesn’t want the cat to wander in on them.  Then he strips completely and stands there, his cock high at attention, engorged.  He looks down on Eirik, arrogant and defiant then he spits in his right hand and begins stroking himself.  His burning gaze never leaves his host’s eyes.

 

Eirik caresses Andreas’ body virtually.  How long since the last time they did this?  Five years?  His friend hadn’t changed, still slim and toned like a swimmer.  The boy, he grins at himself – Andreas is 34, actually swears swimming is the best exercise there is.  Well good for him since he’s as fucking sexy now as he was at twenty five.

 

He calls Andreas closer with a jerk of his chin.  Hi Ex swaggers near and Eirik, who now sits on the edge of the large bed, grabs him by the butt and swallows the fiery brand all the way down to his balls.  And that’s how they begin.  Tonight Eirik isn’t passive.  With 23 cm (9”) of rock hard meat he’s got the hammer to give Andreas the pounding he craves.

 

And he gives it to him, again and again.  He bodyguards him leaning over the windowsill, he bulldogs him on the floor, he jockeys him on the bed, he launches pad him on the dressing chair, he mounts him doggy on the floor again…*4  They go at it for a long time, taking breaks between each climax.  By the third time Andreas kneels in front of him, mouth open and Eirik cries out when he comes in the lad’s throat.  Now he’s fully spent so he collapses back on the messy sheets and Andreas’ eyelids are heavy when he turns to him and murmurs, breathless.

“ _You haven’t lost it old man…_ ” he rolls in tongue in his mouth, savoring the last traces of cum “ _…you railroaded me real good._ ”

 

Eirik is more than a little pleased by the compliment even though a distant part of him knows this shouldn’t have happened.  It would only encourage his friend to keep hoping.  But in that very moment he doesn’t care.  It had been a good long ride and he gave it everything he had.  They really worked well together in the sack.  Pity they couldn’t spend their life in bed.  The last time he checks the alarm clock on his nightstand it is 5:07AM.

 

*****

 

 

He comes around with a start and looks at the time: 10:23AM.  Andreas isn’t with him anymore.  He brushes a hand on his shaved skull and yawns.  Then he hears the distant sound of Froki meowing and his friend’s voice is vaguely annoyed when he mumbles something.  He can’t quite make the words because it sounded like it came from his study.  So Eirik rises and grabs the long toweling gown tossed on the arm of his dressing chair.

 

He finds his friend wrapped in a sheet trying to shush away Froki.  His cat is prowling around Andreas’ legs, obviously hungry and wanting for this human pet to do something about it.  Eirik smiles at the tableau and quips.

“ _Do you intend to let poor Froki starve?_ ”

Andreas makes a face.  He’s not a fan of house animals in general.  He cocks his head towards the picture on the wall and raises one eyebrow.  He looks caustic when he says.

“ _You built a shrine?_ ”

Eirik glances at the silent boy then back at his friend.

“ _Jealous?_ ”

“ _Of course I’m jealous, not only is he cute but he’s fourteen or fifteen years younger than me._ ”

Eirik rolls his eyes and Andreas goes on.

“ _And what’s with the ode to Lucifer?_ ”  His eyes become unfocused, he’s remembering.

“ _They say that before he fell, he was the most powerful and beautiful of the heavenly host, higher than the seven archangels, second only to God...  They say he rebelled when God created us – humans – and commanded the angels to serve us.  They say he would not abase himself before an imperfect creature when He, the Morning Star, Prince of Dawn, was God’s perfect creation…_ ”

 

Eirik comes behind him and enfolds his friend in a hug.  He was so mercurial Andreas was.

“ _Stop looking behind you Eirik…_ ”  He points at the picture again with his chin. “ _He owns you already…_ ”

Why the sudden disquiet in his chest?  He dislikes the implication.  He clears his throat and replies.

“ _What are you talking about?_ ”

He feels Andreas’ weary laugh in his chest until his friend finally says.

“ _Ahh Eirik…  Your place is so bare and tidy it’s practically Japanese.  The only room that doesn’t feel sterile is this one, where you work and hoard your books and litter the walls with all the words that move you.  Here you keep a portrait of you and your Andy from your days at Oxford.  And you’re telling me that having a picture of that boy staring back at you, the lad you actually liken to the Son of Morning, doesn’t mean anything?!_ ”

 

Eirik grows very still and he can only breathe in and out for a while.  Andreas could be aggravatingly flippant at times, yet he also has a keen mind and his intuitions are often very thoughtful.  He snorts in a vain effort to avoid looking at the gaping hole in his heart.  When he speaks again his voice is harsh.

“ _What does it matter, I’ll never meet him!_ ”

Andreas laughs again, mischievous this time.

“ _Beware handsome, you’re tempting Fate now, you should never say never!_ ”

 

**********

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1- [Paradisbukta Beach](http://www.visitoslo.com/en/product/?TLp=181567)
> 
>  
> 
> 2- [Eirik at 20 in Oxford](http://imgur.com/oSRCUpR)
> 
> Eirik when he was 20yo at Oxfrod, England - studying Linguistics... Imagine him 20 years older - with his head shaved, creases fanning off his eyes and a five o'clock shadow. The picture is of Canadian actor Alexander Ludwig - a f..ing awesome boy. 
> 
> 3- [Andreas a little younger](http://imgur.com/rTgmGou)
> 
> How I imagine Andreas - the picture is of Scott Hoying, lead singer of Pentatonix.
> 
> 4- For those who are curious - it's a NSFW site about:
> 
>  
> 
> [Sex positions for gays](https://gaysexpositionsguide.com/)


	13. The Deal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When friends old and new meet on an unexpected weekend...
> 
> \----------
> 
> Since the site is being uncooperative with the direct links here are the addresses for the tracks and the same goes for the Notes down below.
> 
> "Breath of Life" by Florence and the Machine:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOm2fLucQ9g
> 
> "Asnwer" by Sarah McLachlan:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6pQcpFnXOI
> 
>  
> 
> \----------
> 
> Warning: This chapter turned out much longer than anticipated. But I believe it was necessary to establish the context properly.

# Isak

 

**Friday, 06-21-2019 21:19PM**

 

 

The club is beginning to fill up when Isak and Eskild walk in, ahead of the lineup thanks to his guru’s many friends, one of which is the bouncer at the main entrance.  That got them a few catcalls but his friend just blew kisses at them.  Isak has to admit he’s a little apprehensive; this is the first time he’s been here since ‘that’ night.  So he just follows Eskild as the older boy navigates the growing crowd towards the back of the place where he finds them a free table.

 

When the waiter comes, a slim dark haired twenty-something with deep brown eyes and a fetching smile, he makes a show of kissing Eskild on both cheeks before glancing toward Isak.

“ _Why Eskild, who did you bring us tonight?  He’s so very pretty!_ ”

Isak has to bite the inside of this mouth not to laugh.  The guy is kindda cute but so effeminate it’s a turn off.  His friend gives the waiter a warning look and says.

“ _This is my little buddy Isak and he’s off limit Aksel!_ ”

“ _Aww you’re such a greedy bitch!_ ”  The guy sighs dramatically and asks.

“ _Alright then guys – what will it be?_ ”

They both order a beer and he leaves them.  Isak finally allows himself to laugh.

“ _Is he always like that?_ ”  Eskild chuckles and says.

“ _He does overplay it sometimes… alright most times, but he’s got his heart in the right place.  As a matter of fact it’s through him I got access to the security feeds of this place last year…_ ”

That sobers him up.  And when Aksel returns with their order Isak leaves him quite a large tip that has the young waiter grinning.

“ _Why thank you; both cute and generous huh?  You’re a keeper sweetie!_ ”

Once they’re alone Eskild leans in.

“ _Don’t butter him up too much or you’ll have a stalker on your hands._ ”

“ _Thank you again for dinner… it was fantastic!_ ”

“ _You just turned twenty; you’re all grown up now!  And after the shitty year you’ve been through you deserved a treat!_ ”

 

Eskild took him to the Oriental Restaurant on Arbeidergata*1, a Chinese place specialized in Szechuan cuisine.  Isak adored it.  They had a hot & sour soup that was to die for, followed by chewy steamed dumplings dipped in chili sauce, fresh imperial rolls and fried wonton.  For the main course they ordered Gong Bao chicken with peanuts, stir fried pork with vegetables in Yu Xiang sauce, and then Beef satay.  They also had Cantonese Chow Mein and a large plate of rice.  They ate so much they had to take a long walk afterwards.

 

Eskild is busy looking around, checking people out.  Sometimes he waves to guys he knows.  After a while he returns his attention to his ‘baby bro’ who has been nursing his beer in silence.  That’s when Isak says.

“ _I’ve reactivated my Grindr account…_ ”

His guru raises an eyebrow, waiting for him to elaborate.  In truth he’s never really used it.  He created it over two years ago, before hooking up with Even for good.  Earlier today though, on a whim, he logged back into it and updated his profile.  So he shrugs and adds.

“ _Doesn’t cost anything to go fishing right?_ ”

Eskild purses his lips.  He’s the picture of someone who’s unsure if he should say something or not.  Finally he looks Isak directly in the eyes and asks.

“ _Are you sure you’re ready for that scene?_ ”

The younger man shrugs again.

“ _When’s the best time to be ready?  Like you said I’m twenty, not eighty!_ ” 

His therapist has started weaning him off the Zoloft so his libido is going up again.  He’s not sure himself if he’s up for a blind date but…  He wants to test the waters.  Eskild shakes his head and smiles fondly.

“ _You’ve changed so much since I first met you…  You’re turning into a heartthrob!_ ”

 

Isak feels a blush creeping on his cheeks.  It’s true that in the last year he’s begun shedding many of his old habits…  Gone are the snap caps, the t-shirts and the geeky tight jeans.  Tonight for instance he’s wearing a buttoned up tight fitting steel gray shirt with short sleeves, a pair of black striped denim sarrouel trousers and his favorite charcoal chukka boots.  Not long ago he had his old mop of wavy golden strands shorn into a skin fade with a disconnected curly top.*2  And lately he’s been thinking about getting a discreet piercing for his eyebrow.  He wants… to put distance between himself and his past.

 

 

*****

  

# Eirik

 

 

**Friday, 06-21-2019 21:58PM**

 

 

Froki is curled up against him, purring low, and Eirik sighs; he’s so bored!    He tried watching something on Netflix but nothing caught his fancy.  He tried reading but the words kept swimming in front of his eyes…  He’s been jittery all day without knowing why.  On an impulse he grabs the phone forgotten next to him and logs in on GrindR.  The last time was over a year and a half ago, when he hooked up with that 24yo hipster.  He hadn’t bothered updating his profile since then, nor does he do it now.  The picture is at least two years old but he hasn’t really degraded that much since.  Yet last month, on May 4th, he had turned forty…  He grimaces.  He’s getting a little on the down slope for this shit.

 

So he ends up, yet again, browsing for twinks*3.  At some point he stops on a profile picture of a grin, just that, with small uneven teeth.  ' _Cardamom20_ '.  The Headline, in English, reads:

'Catch me if you can!'

An amusing reference to the '02 Spielberg movie with Di Caprio.  It also suggested the lad was… what, playing tease, on the run, in hiding?

 

Eirik is intrigued.  Digging further he discovers that ' _Cardamom20_ ' styles himself as a slim, hairless, green eyed 20yo bottom – looking for a toned or muscled daddy, preferably hairy.  Eirik is such a sucker for green eyes and the supple bodies of youngsters.  Andy's brazen grin pops into his mind, as he'd once been, when he and Eirik first met at Oxford in '99.  So he decides to message this guy and quips:

‘I’m sure I can catch you but I don’t know if I can stop you!’

 

*****

 

# Isak

 

**Friday, 06-21-2019 22:24PM**

 

 

They’ve transferred to Elsker’s second floor and they’re both lounging on a purple Chesterfield.  It rests against the red brick wall at the far end of the room, right under the Club’s sigil.  Eskild is holding court and there’s a continuous flow of guys coming to buzz in and chat.  It’s only now Isak fully realizes how widespread his guru’s reputation is in Oslo’s gay community.  He’s willing to bet the same fuss would repeat itself at the London Pub*4 or at Ett Glass*5…  And every time a look from one of the ‘courtiers’ lingers too long, or a brush against Isak’s clothes is too insistent, Eskild simply chimes in cheerily:

“ _Guys, the pretty puppy is with me…_ ”

Isak swallows a smile whenever he hears those words.  A puppy huh, really?!  The DJ has begun his main run of the evening and Eskild is engaged in a lively discussion with a… colorful and scintillating drag queen.  That’s when Isak thinks of checking if he got any new messages on GrindR.  There are several replies flashing, most of which consists of the usual vapid ‘Are you horny – top or bottom – How big are you?’ variety.  The latest one is different though and it was sent only minutes ago.

‘I’m sure I can catch you but I don’t know if I can stop you!’

It takes a few seconds for the double-entendre to register and then Isak starts laughing out loud.  He looks at the guy’s profile.  Thirty-eight, shaved head, a five o’clock shadow on that chiseled jaw, narrow thin lips suggesting determination…  But it’s the man’s large silver blue eyes that really stand out; very pale, like chips of ice under a wintry moon…  He snorts at himself. 

‘What’s with the poetry huh?’

Anyway, the cold gaze is belied by a quirky smile.  There’s something sardonic about the way only one side of the dude’s mouth is lifting up, as if he’s reflecting on how ridiculous the whole GrindR scene was.  And it is!  Isak tilts his head, an amused grin lingering on his own lips.  This guy sounded cool and… he’s actually very good looking!  He turns to his friend and shouts over the din.

“ _Eskild!_ ”

When his ex-flat mate looks back at him questioningly he simply passes on the phone.  Eskild studies the profile until he leans closer and says.

“ _I didn’t know you were into older guys?_ ”

“ _Oh come on!  He’s not ancient!_ ” a pause “ _You think I should I reply?_ ”

Eskild considers him for a moment and then, cautious.

“ _How about you play this safe?  Offer him to join us here, in a public spot.  If he’s interested he’ll come – If not then good riddance right?_ ”

And Isak can see the sound thinking behind it.  So he types on his phone.

 **Isak** : “ _Halla!  Wanna meet?_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _I’m Isak btw!_ ”

A couple of minutes pass and then.

 **Eirik** : “ _…?_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _My name...Isak…_ ”

 **Eirik** : “ _I’m Eirik…_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _Kewl!_ ”

 **Eirik** : “ _Meet where though?_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _Elsker – 2nd floor…_ ”

 **Eirik** : “ _It’s Friday – place must be packed – how do I find you?_ ”

Isak shoves the phone in Eskild’s face.  His guru takes in the screen and then fishes out a pink wig from his satchel.  Isak giggles.  WTF!  He replies to the waiting Eirik.

 **Isak** : “ _Find the pink wig and you’ll find me!_ ”

 **Eirik** : “ _Ok…hmm…alright – be there in 30-ish._ ”

 

*****

 

# Eirik

 

 

**Friday, 06-21-2019 23:14PM**

 

 

There’s a line up when he makes it to Eslker.  Eirik has no intention to keep his ‘date’ waiting so he walks right up to the bouncer and smiles.  The guy tries to glare him down but he’s a head shorter.  Besides, the look on his face changes when Eirik spreads five 200Kr notes between thumb and index.  The man snatches the ‘donation’ and moves aside to let him pass.  Eirik chuckles at the angry shouts echoing behind him.

 

As soon as he walks into the pub section on the first floor he’s assaulted by the hubbub.  The place is jammed!  Thank god for his height!  People tend to naturally shy away when he ambles closer so it’s relatively easy to climb the stairs and reach the second floor.  He stops and scans the room for a pink wig…  This better not be some juvenile prank!  He nears the rear of the place when he sees a flash of pink, there on that purple Chesterfield.  There are four or five guys surrounding it, laughing uproariously.

 

When Eirik gets closer they too move aside and he comes face to face with a lively red head.  He can tell since the infamous wig is askew.  The guy, who must be in his mid-twenties, has his mouth open; obviously he was in the middle of a story.  Both eyebrows shoot up and he blinks when Eirik cocks his head and says.

“ _Isak?_ ”

The younger man’s grin swallows half his face and he takes the time to check Eirik out before he says.

“ _Hi there!  I’m Eskild!  And you must be Eirik right?  Isak won’t be long – he went for the bathroom._ ”

One of Eskild’s associates snorts.

“ _Ah!  It’ll take ages!_ ”

Eirik chuckles and nods to the others before extending a hand towards the strawberry blond boy.

“ _Hello Eskild, nice to meet you.  Sorry to crash your joke just then…_ ”

“ _Never mind that; it’s nothing they haven’t heard ten times already._ ”  Then he looks pointedly at his entourage and says.

“ _Ok guys!  We’re gonna need some space here for a little while._ ” 

There are some grumblings but they withdraw to a nearby table and Eskild motions Eirik to sit next to him.  The younger man leans closer and makes a show of being discreet.

“ _Most of them were sticking around to try and get Isak’s attention.  I swear I had to fend them off all evening!_ ”

Eirik titters until he notices the warning glint in Eskild’ steel blue eyes.  The older man purses his lips and replies.

“ _So you’re Isak’s chaperon then?_ ”

“ _Why yes!  I’ve looked after him for years and I won’t let anyone hurt him if I can help it._ ”

“ _It was your idea to have me come here in public, wasn’t it?_ ”

Eskild tries not to smile and fails.

“ _You catch on quickly!_ ”  He pauses until he continues, sober once more.  “ _I was serious though…_ ”

Eirik is about to reply, completely earnest, when both of them are startled by the voice.

“ _Hi…_ ”

 

And there stands Isak, both hands wedged in his trousers’ pockets.  There’s a small smile on his lips and he looks at him shyly.  Eirik’s eyes widen and he stares, arrested, until he remembers where he is.

“ _I’m sorry… you reminded me of someone…_ ” 

That sounded lame!  He extends his hand again.

“ _Eirik…_ ”

The lad shakes it – his hand is dry and there’s no hesitation.

“ _Isak._ ”

At this point Eskild chimes in.

“ _Eirik did you know today is Isak’s birthday?_ ”

The lad shoots an annoyed glare at his friend who merely winks at him.  And again Eirik feels the urge to laugh.  But instead he stands and announces.

“ _This deserves a drink – my treat – so what do you guys want?_ ” 

Eskild beams.

“ _A vodka martini please!_ ”

Eirik glances at Isak who shrugs, showing a bottle of Ringnes*6.  He nods and begins the crossing towards the main bar.

 

*****

 

# Isak

 

 

**Friday, 06-21-2019 23:14PM**

 

 

Isak stares at the guy’s back as he recedes through the crowd.  He’s so tall, at least a head above almost everyone!  He doesn’t have to jostle – people just seem to melt away in his path.  And his shoulders are broad, stretching the simple black polo shirt he wears over some quite decent pecs…  His breath caught in his throat when Eirik introduced himself.  Those silver glass eyes seemed to be pulsating as they examined his every feature.  He’s brought back to reality when he hears Eskild’s chuckle.  Isak plops down on the couch and stares at his guru who finally manages to say.

“ _I can’t decide which one of you looked the most smitten, you just now or him when he first saw you…_ ”

Isak makes a face.

“ _I’m not smitten!_ ”  He chews at his lips and asks.  “ _Seriously though, what did you think?_ ”

Eskild glances at him and his smile is indulgent.

“ _He seems like a nice guy and as I said, it was like he’d just found a pot of gold…_ ”

Isak blushes and drains the last of his beer.  They remain quiet for some time and then his friend sounds thoughtful when he speaks again.

“ _No actually… it was more as if he’d seen you before but never expected to meet you…_ ”

 Isak is about to retort when he spots Eirik returning, a martini on the rocks held high in one hand and two beers dangling between the fingers of the other.  Eskild quickly whispers in Isak’s ear.

“ _Check out his hands, they’re massive!  You know what they say about guys with big hands huh?_ ”

Isak’s face is burning again.  When he reaches them Eirik presents the martini to his friend.

“ _There you go sir._ ”  And then he offers him a fresh Ringnes.

“ _Happy birthday_ _!_ ”

Isak looks up, still flush and mutters a thank you.

And Eirik raises his own bottle.

“ _Skål!_ **”* 7**

 

Isak watches as Eirik grimaces after taking a swig from his beer, a Tuborg.  So he asks.

“ _Anything wrong with your beer?_ ”

“ _I usually prefer wine, but the whites they have on tap here taste like piss and I didn’t feel like buying a bottle…_ ”

Eskild joins in.

“ _So Eirik… how often are you on GrindR?_ ”

Isak cringes inside and he waits for the older man’s reaction.  Eirik simply chuckles as he replies.

“ _I’m no longer the beast I used to be I’m afraid._ ”

Isak chortles and glances back at his guru who raises his martini in salute.  Then he asks their guest.

“ _What do you do… for a living I mean?_ ”

“ _Technical writing… I translate and adapt technical documentation, procedures, industrial manuals, that sort of things, into Norwegian._ ”

Isak leans closer suddenly interested.

“ _How many languages do you speak?_ ”

“ _Five, well technically six since I can read French but I wouldn’t speak it in public for fear of being arrested._ ”

He laughs again.  He’s beginning to like this guy.  And now it’s Eirik’s turn to ask him a question.

“ _What gift would you like for your birthday?_ ”

Isak looks the guy in the eyes.  There’s something playful there.  And one corner of his mouth is quirking.  So he shrugs in feigned indifference, raising his bottle.

“ _You already gave me something._ ”

“ _That was no gift, just simple courtesy._ ”

Isak swallows a grin.  Alright he wants to play?  So let’s play.  Again he stares back and licks his lips.

“ _Something big then…_ ”

Eskild chokes on his drink and gapes at his ‘baby bro’, shocked.

“ _Woa!  Easy there, Tiger!_ ”

Eirik throws his head backward and laughs out loud.  Eskild starts chuckling too, shaking his head while Isak smirks at him.  And suddenly he’s tired of the club, of the crowd, of the noise.  He wants to be alone with this guy, to get to know him and maybe…  But he can’t ditch his friend either so he looks at him, pleading with his eyes as he says.

“ _Why don’t we go for a walk?  It’s too stuffy in here._ ”

Eskild’s eyes are keen, studying him before glancing at Eirik until he finally says.

“ _I don’t think you’ll need me for the rest of the evening little buddy…_ ” 

He winks at them and puts the silly wig back in place.

“ _Enjoy your ‘walk’ guys… I’m going to dance!_ ” 

And he’s off, stopping at the table nearby to collect his posse, before they start screaming and jostling their way towards the dance floor.

 

They both laugh at the circus until they look at each other.  Eirik says.

“ _I can walk you home if you’d like._ ”

“ _Let’s go to your place instead…_ ”

 

*****

 

**Saturday, 6-22-2019 0:36AM**

 

 

When the door closes behind them Isak follows Eirik into his apartment.  The first thing he notices is a faint whiff of juniper berry.  He breathes in deep.  He’s always loved that clean scent.  As soon as they walk into the living room Eirik kicks off his loafers and leans against the nearest wall to knead his toes, like a man unused to wearing shoes, then he looks at him.

“ _Do you want a beer?  I think I’ve got a few Tuborgs left?_ ”

“ _Sure…_ ”

 

Isak hears rummaging in the distant kitchen while he looks around.  White walls, white couches, white sofa…  The only color in the room is the only decoration there is, a print of some sort with a green background atop the mantelpiece.  He’s examining it when he notices a slinking shadow from the corner of his eyes.  He turns and scans the room.  There, under the sofa, a pair of gleaming green eyes.  He grins.  A cat!  He stoops down and croons.

“ _Hey you…_ ”

The eyes retreat further, still watchful, and suddenly Isak hears Eirik chuckling behind him.

“ _I see you’ve met my lazy roommate…_ ”

He hands his beer to the boy and sits cross legged on the sofa before he adds.

“ _…he doesn’t know your smell yet so he’s shy… pay him no attention – he’ll come out when he’s ready._ ”

“ _What’s his name?_ ”

“ _Froki._ ”

Isak is still standing.  He takes a swig at the green bottle and gestures at the painting.

“ _Who did this?  It looks like a Google ad or something…_ ”

The fans at the corners of Eirik’s eyes are creased with amusement.  He cradles his glass of Riesling in both hands and says.

“ _Vassili Kandinski.  It’s called ‘Empor’* 8 – it means ‘Upward’ in German._”

 

Isak sits in the low couch facing his host and gulps down some more beer.  He feels a little self-conscious under the man’s scrutiny; there is open fascination in Eirik’s eyes.  Isak clears his throat and breaks the silence.

“ _So… do you like what you see?_ ”

Eirik nods over the rim of his glass then he swallows and says.

“ _Even more than I imagined…_ ”

Isak tips his head remembering Eskild’s words.

“ _You’ve seen me before haven’t you?_ ”

Eirik nods again, serious now.

“ _Yes… at Frederique’s…  I have a friend who’s an assistant professor in Humanities.  We meet there on a regular basis to have lunch._ ”

 

Isak doesn’t quite know what to make of this.  On the one hand it’s rather flattering to discover you have a… secret admirer; especially one as handsome as Eirik.  On the other it is a little unsettling to learn you’ve been… observed...  So he frowns.

“ _Ok… so how long were you watching me for?_ ”

Eirik makes a face, visibly chagrined, and shakes his head.

“ _I wasn’t stalking you Isak…  We just happened to be in the same place at more or less the same time throughout last December._ ”

He is somewhat mollified by this and now his curiosity is piqued.

“ _What made you notice me?_ ”

“ _You looked so depressed…_ ”

Isak stares in the eyes of the guy and sees nothing but honest concern there.  He lets out a sigh and lowers his head.

“ _My boyfriend broke up with me last December…_ ”

“ _I see… I’m sorry to hear this… what was his name?_ ”

“ _Even..._ ”

 

They both remain silent for a while, each lost in their own thoughts.  Isak drains the Tuborg and puts the empty bottle on the coffee table.  He licks his lips and looks back at Eirik.

“ _I guess I ruined the mood didn’t I?_ ”

The older man starts chuckling and shakes his head.

“ _Can I be honest?_ ”  Isak nods.

“ _I wasn’t really looking for sex tonight anyway…_ ” 

Isak feels relief at this and he smiles.

“ _Neither was I… not really._ ”

Eirik’s grin widens.

“ _What a tragic pair we make._ ”

A startled snicker escapes Isak and his host says.

“ _Want another beer?_ ”

“ _Ok._ ”

 

*****

 

**Saturday, 6-22-2019 2:17AM**

 

 

Isak stifles a yawn.  He doesn’t really know what time it is.  It doesn’t matter though.  They’re both at their third refill and he’s got a pretty good buzz going.  They spoke casually, as if they knew each other since a great deal longer than a few hours.  It was mostly him asking questions.  Isak realizes Eirik had hardly asked anything about him.  As if he didn’t want to pry.  And now they sit in comfortable silence, nursing their respective drinks.  Slowly Isak rises from his seat.  He’s a little unsteady so when he comes to put the bottle on the table it keels over and spills what’s left of its content.

“ _Sorry… I’m just…gonna go to the bathroom._ ”

“ _Down the hall to your left…_ ”

 

Isak does his business eyes closed. He thinks of Eirik’s open polo and the tufs of hair coming out of it.  He sees the guy’s meaty hands and wonders how they would feel on his skin.  He’s beginning to harden so he shakes the last of it and bundles the goods back in his boxers, breathing slowly to cool down.  Then he flushes the toilet and goes to wash his hands.  When he uses the towel he looks around.  White ceramics on the walls, glassy surfaces, no decorations to speak of… and the bathroom tools are all made of polished tin.  Very much like their owner – chill and smooth.  His face heats up again and he looks at his reflection in the mirror.

‘Do you really want this?’

He senses Eirik is very keen and it excites him.  He hasn’t had anything since August of last year...  He shakes his head and makes a disgusted sound.  His eyes harden.  It was time to move on.

 

So he walks back into the living room and sees Eirik lounging on the white sofa, eyes half closed while his head rests on one arm.   The man looks more thoughtful than sleepy, and completely relaxed.  That’s one thing Isak noticed as they were walking back toward his place.  How calm the guy seemed.  How slowly he moved.  In fact he strolled more than he walked.  Perhaps it’s because he is so big?

 

He stops near the couch he was using and stretches, languid.  Eirik’s eyes are open and they’re gleaming.  Isak licks his lips again and says.

“ _I’ve… never done this before…_ ”

“ _You mean a blind date?_ ”

“ _Yeah…_ ”

“ _There’s all kinds of blind dates… some where we talk like we did… others where we talk less… and there are those where we don’t talk at all…_ ”

 

Eirik is standing now and he strolls closer.  He stops mere centimeters from him.  Isak can feel the man’s heat and he catches a whiff of his spicy cologne.  Still there are no overt moves, leaving him completely in control of the situation.  Isak looks up at his host; he likes looking up to a guy, then he presses the palm of his right hand atop Eirik’s shirt and begins rubbing back and forth, feeling the hairy chest underneath, enjoying the low raspy sound his movements make.

 

And all of a sudden he’s back there, at the Bristol, doing the exact same thing to Yassir.  His heartbeat accelerates and he has trouble breathing; he’s actually panting!  He feels someone grabbing his shoulders and squeeze. There’s a deep voice speaking very softly.

“ _Look at me Isak!  You’re here, with me!  There’s no one else… you’re safe!_ ”

He breathes in an out as the voice keeps repeating those words and eventually he calms down, little by little, until his forehead rests against the man’s chest.  He stays like that for a while, absorbing the calmness.  When he’s fully himself again he looks up and whispers.

“ _I’m so sorry…_ ”

Eirik softly brushes a thumb down the side of the lad’s face.

“ _There’s nothing to be sorry about Isak.  I’m here if you need help…_ ”

Isak’s eyes are burning and he blinks.

“ _You know…_ ” there’s a hiccup “ _…at the club…when you asked me what I wanted for my birthday?_ ”

Eirik nods a smile.  Isak swallows and takes a breath.

“ _Could you… could you hold me?  Please!_ ”

 

The man gathers him close without a word and Isak clings to him, as if that chest was a forgotten refuge.  He feels more than he hears his growing whimpers.  They are soon followed by loud wracking sobs.  There comes a point when he smothers a scream on the man’s shoulder while fleeting images of Even and himself are whirling in his mind.  And all the while Eirik stays quiet, not even shushing.  Through that entire storm Isak could hear the strong heartbeat, a lighthouse guiding his foundering ship.  His last memory before darkness came is of being lifted in Eirik’s arms.

 

 

*****

 

 

**Saturday, 06-22-2019 9:32AM**

 

 

The first thing Isak hears when he comes around is running water.  His eyes are still closed and he wonders drowsily what time it could be; it must be pretty early since Jonas is usually always first in the shower.  Then he slowly turns in his bed, stretching lazily as he savors the heaviness of limbs he always feels when he’s only half awake.  He stays like that a while then the shower stops and he hears Jonas moving about.  He doesn’t feel like rising just yet.  More time goes by until he senses footsteps approaching.  They stop right next to his bed and Isak tosses one arm over his eyes, annoyed.  ‘Can’t he knock before coming into my room!?’

“ _God morgen!_ ”

Isak freezes and he thinks ‘That’s not Jonas! It’s…’  His eyes fly open as he instantly rises from his bed… which turns out to be Eirik’s own… who stands there watching him, amusement twinkling in his eyes.

“ _Sleep well?_ ”

And then it all comes back to him; last night’s hook up and that… storm.  Instinctively he touches his eyes but they are dry.  He doesn’t move and looks away from Eirik who sounds suddenly concerned.

“ _Easy there…_ ” a pause and then “ _I’m going out to get some food.  If you want a shower there are towels ready in the bathroom.  And there’s fresh coffee in the kitchen downstairs.  I won’t be long._ ”

 

He hears Eirik walking down the stairs and a few moments later the distant click of a door being locked.  Only then does he realize he has not taken a breath since the man first spoke so he forces one in, a little shakily. Then he looks around.  White walls here too, with another weird painting next to the mirror above the dresser.  This one has something that looks like a sailing ship cruising under a blue sun*9…  There’s also a standing frame on the dresser.  Curious Isak gets out of bed and approaches.  The guy in the picture must be in his mid or late twenties.  The hair is dark and wavy; the eyes are a vivid green; the mouth is sensuous and opened in a wide grin.  Isak has to admit he’s strikingly good looking… one of Eirik’s lovers?

 

He explores the empty apartment.  There’s a second room at the end of the hall.  It’s a little smaller but its main window oversees what looks to be the inner court of the building.  The bed is unmade and the sheets are rumpled.  Is that where Eirik slept last night?  Then there’s the bathroom.  Isak can see the folded towels on the counter.  Next to it there’s another room that looks like a home office.  The door is ajar so he pushes it and comes face to face with… what was that name… Froki!  The cat seems far less anxious than last night.  Isak smiles and says.

“ _Halla!_ ”

There’s a meow and then a tentative sniff in his direction.  Isak grins and bends a little, wiggling the fingers of his left hand.  Froki comes closer and proceeds with another sniff.  Apparently he decides this new human pet is acceptable for he rubs himself on his leg.  Isak giggles and strokes the luxurious grey coat for a few seconds before he stands and moves deeper into the room.  He has to be cautious.  There are piles of books, newspaper clips, magazines, all forming little mounds everywhere around the desk.  It’s only then he notices the walls.  They’re literally covered with pieces of papers pined or scotched or tacked on their pearly grey surfaces.  He leans closer and reads what’s written on one of them.

 

“ **What condemnation could possibly be more harsh than one’s own, when self-pretense is no longer possible?** ”

–Richard Matheson

 

Quotes… dozens of them!  And Isak realizes these all have meanings for Eirik…  Suddenly he feels guilty, as if he was prying into the man’s secrets.  His gaze takes in the desk and the laptop on it.  There’s a tablet there too.  And more books, opened, used often apparently.  He sees another frame and he can’t resist.  He moves closer, grabs it and examines the photo.  He recognizes a much younger Eirik – he has hair! – grinning at the same green eyed guy from earlier.  They look…  Isak lets out a slow breath …they look utterly in love, just like he and Even had been once…  He carefully puts down the picture. 

 

Only when he rises again does he notice the black and white image above the desk.  He is shocked to stare at himself.  That is an enlarged printout of his photo ID, taken in August last year when he arrived at Uni…  There’s another quote pined directly underneath.

 

“ _ **Look how you have fallen from Heaven, O Shining One, son of the dawn!**_ ”

– Isaiah 14:12

 

He shakes his head in wonder.  The irrational part of his brain is insisting he should be freaking out right now… but after last night he simply cannot bring himself to suspect Eirik of ill will.  He saw what he saw in the man’s eyes; he felt what he felt in his arms.  He looks once more at his other self, with his old hairdo and he sighs.  It was time to get into the shower.

 

*****

 

**Saturday, 06-22-2019 10:47AM**

 

 

There’s noise echoing from the kitchen at the end of the hall as he walks down the stairs.  Eirik came back while he was still in the shower.  Froki skitters down, rushing by him.  Isak is still chuckling when his phone vibrates.  He retrieved it from his trousers’ pockets before leaving the bedroom.

 **10:49AM** – Eskild calling.

 

 **Isak** : “ _Hi Eskild._ ”

 **Eskild** : “ _God Morgen!  How was the ‘walking’?_ ” 

Isak snorts.

 **Isak** : “ _I’m still at Eirik’s…_ ”

Eskild cackles.

 **Eskild** : “ _It was ‘that good’ huh?_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _WTF…Nothing happened Eskild!_ ”

 **Eskild** : “ _Right…_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _It’s true!  We ended up talking most of the night…_ ”

He doesn’t mention the part where he cried like a little bitch in Eirik’s arms.

 **Eskild** : “ _Talking huh?  That’s dangerous… you can fall in love when you talk too much…_ ”

Isak rolls his eyes to quell his sudden unease.

 **Isak** : “ _What do you want Eskild?_ ”

 **Eskild** : “ _Gossip of course!  But that can wait.  Jonas called – he’s worried.  He knew we were going out together but you didn’t go home after… and I didn’t feel like it was my place to tell him you left me to spend the night with a tall hunk who’s twice your age…_ ”

Isak closes his eyes and sighs.

 **Isak** : “ _So what did you tell him?_ ”

 **Eskild** : “ _That you were at a friend’s – what do you think!?  But you know Jonas – he can smell a lie or a half-truth from a kilometer away.  So I just wanted to warn you – for when you talk to him next._ ”

Isak can’t help but grin.

 **Isak** : “ _Thanks…_ ”

 **Eskild** : “ _Anytime little buddy.  Oh… and if you’re not interested, I would love to try Eirik on for size!_ ”

Isak strangles a laugh.

 **Isak** : “ _Bye Eskild!_ ”

 

Isak hangs up then dials Jonas right away.

 

 **Jonas** : “ _Where are you man?_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _I met someone last night and… I spent it at his place…_ ”

 **Jonas** : “ _Ah… that kind of friend… Is everything alright?_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _Yeah… so far so good._ ”

 **Jonas** : “ _Are we expecting you tonight?_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _I guess…  I don’t know.  I’ll text you._ ”

 **Jonas** : “ _Ok…  Don’t forget though alright?_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _I won’t – promise!_ ”

 

 

*****

 

**Saturday, 06-22-2019 11:22AM**

 

 

He walks into the kitchen and smiles when he breathes in the smell of frying pancakes; Isak’s all time favorite meal!  Froki is already perched on the broad window sill, expectant of what’s to come.  Eirik smiles at Isak then goes back to overseeing the batter as it bubbles up until he flips the last of them over, waiting for about ten seconds before lifting it out of the skillet.  He cuts off the fire and proceeds to butter up each one before folding them and sprinkling them with powdered sugar.

 

He brings the large plate to the table and puts it down next to the jar of lingonberry jam, the pot of sweetened cream cheese and the bowl of blueberries.  Isak notices there’s even a small bottle of Canadian maple syrup!  Eirik pours a cup of coffee for him and takes his place at the opposite end of the white table.  The first few minutes are spent in silence, devoted to the ecstasy of crispy pancakes drenched in syrup.

 

Isak takes a break after the first three.  He brings the cup closer and inhales the rich smell exuding from the black brew.  He’s not one of those to spoil his morning vice with milk or cream.  After the first couple of sips he licks his lips and looks at Eirik who’s scanning his tablet.  So he asks.

“ _Any good news?_ ”

Eirik doesn’t miss a beat and replies, without looking up.

“ _No. Gabrielle isn’t dead yet._ ”

A startled laugh escapes Isak.

“ _Come on!  She’s not that bad!_ ”

Now Eirik looks up and he’s smiling fondly at him.

“ _I like it when you laugh._ ”

Isak heats up a little and he swallows.

“ _You’re determined to seduce me aren’t you?_ ”

The smile on Eirik’s face fades and he becomes serious.

“ _No.  That’s further down the to-do list.  For now I’m determined to be your friend._ ” 

He doesn’t know how to reply to that.  So instead he says.

“ _I apologize for last night… that was… indecent._ ”

Now Eirik is frowning and his eyes have darkened to a grey slate.

“ _Don’t belittle your feelings!  You needed to let it out.  I’ve been there so I know._ ”

Isak’s eyes widen as he recalls the pictures with the brown haired guy.  He bites at his lips then asks.

“ _What happened…?_ ”  Eirik looks at him questioningly.

“ _That guy with the dark hair and the green eyes…_ ”

The man purses his lips then he snorts a bitter little chuckle.

“ _So you went exploring…_ ” He raises a hand “ _…it’s OK, don’t worry._ ”  He takes a breath and lets it out.  Then he sips at his coffee and begins.

 

 

“ _His name was Andrew…_ ”  Eirik turns his head toward the window and he looks out – back in time.

“ _I was your age when I moved to England to study.  One day I went swimming.  Oxford has a competition-standard pool on campus.  That’s when he first noticed me…”_   He smiles remembering. _“It took him several weeks to muster the balls to come and talk to me…_ ”

Eirik is grinning when he glances back at Isak and adds.

“ _I learned about all this only later, when we were together.  At the time I had no idea he was after me._ ”

 

Isak sits there entranced, listening to the story of ‘Andrik’.  Andy was older, in his last year at the Faculty of Law, when they met.  Before him, while he was here at Nissen, Eirik had only ever had girlfriends.  Andy was his first, just like Even had been Isak’s first…  So Eirik goes on talking about their life together, about how Andy’s father hated poofters, about the joy and freedom they both found in each other. 

 

After his graduation Andy was gifted, by his fag-hating-father-who-didn’t-know-his-son-was-one, with a small terraced townhouse in Chelsea where he began his practice as a junior counsel for Clifford Chance, the largest firm in the Magic Circle.  Eirik grins at the skeptic look that comes on Isak’s face.

“ _The Magic Circle is an informal name for the group of leading law firms in England._ ”

 

As soon as he took possession of it he invited Eirik to move in.  And there they lived for six years, until the car accident in the fall of 2006.  Andy was twenty-eight when he died.  His eyes are dry as Eirik recalls this, and the funerals, and the visit from Andrew’s father.  Eirik sighs and goes on.

“ _As absurd as it sounds for a lawyer, Andy had no will…”_   He makes a face. _“…you don’t think about that sort of things when you’re in your twenties!  Anyway the short of it is I had no right to anything that was his, even though we were married in everything but name.  So when the old bastard came calling I knew there was no recourse._ ”

 

He takes a sip of his coffee and grimaces.  It’s cold.  Isak watches him as he rises to get a refill.  When he’s poured for himself Eirik looks at him, offering the pot, but Isak shakes a no.  He’s had enough.

“ _Let’s go in the living room I’m cramped here._ ”  Eirik says.

 

 

*****

  

# Eirik

 

 

**Saturday, 06-22-2019 14:16PM**

 

 

As they walk into the wider room Eirik notices the overturned bottle.  He doesn’t have time to do anything about it before Isak grabs it and runs back to the kitchen.  Eirik takes his usual place on the wide sofa, crossed legged again.  When the boy returns there’s a wet dishcloth in his hand.  He proceeds to clean the mess off the coffee table and runs away once more.  When he finally comes back Eirik stares at him, nonplussed.  Isak stands there in his blue plaid boxers and the overlarge white t-shirt left alongside the towels in the bathroom.  He blushes a little and shrugs.

“ _Sorry… I don’t like messes…  I live with my best friend and his girlfriend is so sloppy…_ ”

Eirik can’t help but smile.  God!  He’s so is adorable!

Isak resumes his place in the couch he had used the night before and Eirik asks.

“ _You don’t like her?_ ”

“ _No, no, no, it’s not that…”_   He flashes a quick grin.  _“…her name is Siri.  She and Jonas have been together for almost a year now._ ”

The lad rolls his eyes and chuckles.

“ _I really like her, she’s so funny…  But she’s a tomboy… which means she forgets to clean her plates, she doesn’t cork back the toothpaste tube, and whenever she visits we always end up having half of whatever’s in her knapsack littered all over the flat.  And that’s fucking annoying!_ ”

Eirik laughs out loud at the boy’s peevishness.

 

Isak crosses both his legs and pushes himself deep in the couch then he asks.

“ _So… what did you do after Andy’s father told you to leave your house?_ ”

Eirik frowns and looks away, remembering.  He didn’t wait three months.  He gave his notice at work and within six weeks he was back in Oslo, at his mother’s house.  The next couple of years after that were… bleak.  He looks at the boy and says.

“ _I came back here and lived with my mother for a while..._ ” 

 

He pauses and has to take a deep breath to push back the tears that threatens whenever he thinks of Astrid… mom.  She died in 2010, devoured by a lung cancer at fifty-four.  His eyes are still swimming when he looks back at Isak.

“ _There are many ways to deal with pain… Some go for booze or drugs or religion… and some go for sex like I did…_ ”

He sees flashbacks from countless casual encounters scrolling through his mind’s eye and his stomach heaves, so he swallows, hard.  He shakes his head.

“ _Having sex with anyone when you’re still in love with someone else is like… praying to a god you don’t believe in; it’s hollow…_ ”

He watches as Isak catches a breath and looks inward.  And it is as Eirik suspected.  The boy is still in love with his ex…  He sighs.  Well… it’s only been ten months after all, whereas he had thirteen years to get used to it.

 

It takes a while but eventually Isak looks up again and says.

“ _Last night… I wanted for something to happen you know…”_  He swallows.  _“…I wanted to see if… I was ready for someone else…_ ”

Eirik nods a smile.  Then suddenly Isak leaves his couch and comes closer.  He stands next to the sofa, looking awkward and licking his lips; Eirik knows now this is a sure sign the lad is nervous or embarrassed.  He looks up and says.

“ _Do you want to sit with me?_ ”

There’s a small nod.  Eirik makes to move and leave him some space but that’s not what the boy has in mind.  He sits between Eirik’s legs and settles against him.  Eirik rearranges himself so his guest can lean back comfortably.  And then Isak grabs the man’s right arm and drapes it over his left shoulder.  Eirik closes his eyes, unable to breathe.  There are moments like that… when everything seems to shift at once.  In such moments you can fall… and who is there to catch you?

 

He inhales the remnants of Isak’s shampoo, something citrusy, when the lad speaks.

“ _I had a flashback last night… that’s why I couldn’t go on…_ ”

And Eirik remembers what Andreas told him last January.

‘…a sordid affair of rape…’

He clears his throat and asks.

“ _A flashback…?_ ”

Isak sighs and squirms against him.  Eirik squeezes his shoulder and gently prompts.

“ _Why don’t you start at the beginning… hum?_ ”

 

Isak’s hand caresses the arm around his neck and Eirik releases him.  And thus the lad begins the story of ‘Evak’.  He tells of his mother’s illness and of how his father, Terje, left them all when he was fifteen; he, his sister and their mother, because he couldn’t handle it anymore.

 

“ _So one night, in the summer after I turned sixteen, Eskild found me crying in a dark corner at Elsker’s, not far from where we were seated last night…_ ”

 

The lad recalls how his friend had made a nest for him in the basement of his flat.  He lived there for several weeks until one of Eskild’s roommates, Noora, left them to be with her own boyfriend.  At which point Isak inherited her room.  After that came his second year at Nissen and it was that fall when he first saw Even… the tall golden boy who stole his heart.

 

Months followed months, mostly good, until Even began Uni in Media Studies while Isak went through his last year of senior high school.  And so they reached the lad’s Russefeiring and the evening before Constitution Day last year.

“ _That night Even talked me into a threesome so we hooked up with a guy…_ ”

Eirik feels the shiver going through the boy’s slender frame so he kisses his hair.

“ _We don’t have to talk about that if you’re not comfortable..._ ”

“ _No it’s alright… and I need you to know where I come from._ ”

 

The lad goes on, describing the encounter in forensic terms.  Eirik has to breathe deep several times to quell the rage that comes over him.  He wraps his arm over Isak’ shoulder again and gently squeezes.  The boy continues with the tale.  He spent last summer helping his lover out of his depression and then saw him off to New-York at the end of August.  In the fall the procedures against his aggressor went through until the guy was jailed after his trial.  And finally the letter came…

 

Eirik can feel the dampness slowly dripping on his arm.  The boy is silently crying while he talks about the break up and the weeks that followed.  Eirik keeps quiet.  Nothing that could be said would make this easier anyway.  It took him four years and the death of his mother to ‘snap out of it’…  Only then was he able to open up and that’s when he met Andreas.  When a friend is in pain the only thing you can do is be there for him.

 

He looks up at the ceiling and lets out a slow sigh. 

‘Who are you kidding man?  Andreas was right…  The lad owns you already.’ 

And that’s why he can’t say or do anything.  He can’t put pressure on Isak.  The boy has to heal first before anything else can happen, if anything happens.

‘This isn’t about what you want but about what he needs.  And right now all he needs is a friend.’

   

*****

 

#  **Isak**

 

**Saturday, 06-22-2019 21:38PM**

 

 

The remnants of their dinner are scattered on the coffee table in front of the sofa.  Eirik didn’t feel like cooking so he ordered Indian from Jaipur on Karl Johan Avenue*10.  And they watched ‘The Lion in Winter’, the 2003 version*11, while they ate.  Isak could never have imagined, yesterday morning, that he would end up watching that kind of movie while being cradled by a guy not much younger than his dad.  He actually liked it a lot, both the cradling and the movie.  It was one of Eirik’s favorite.  Isak even teared up a couple of times.

“ _So what did you think?_ ” Eirik asks and Isak can feel the words vibrating in his chest.

“ _The actress who played the Queen was really good.  And the guy playing Richard was good looking, he reminded me a little of you in fact._ ”

Eirik starts laughing and nudges him.

“ _Liar – I’m much better looking than he is._ ”

Isak grins and nudges back.  It’s not even twenty four hours since they met and he feels he could tell this guy anything.  He never seems worried...  perhaps it’s because he’s so calm?  Or does he forces himself to calmness in order to deal with anxiety?  Whatever it is Isak loves it, loves being close to it.  Maybe that’s why he’s been so touchy-feely all day?  And that’s definitely not him under normal circumstances! 

 

But there was nothing normal about this weekend.  For instance Eirik saw him truly naked last night.  You can’t lower down all your defenses with someone and not have a connection with that person afterwards.  He thinks of Sana and how close they became after he broke down in the New Year.  Yet Sana is ‘just’ a friend.  Eirik is… something else.  Like a friend yes but also like a boyfriend and a father – all rolled into one.  And they didn’t even have sex yet…  Even’s face appear in his mind and he feels guilty all of a sudden.  He tosses his head aside in frustration.  He senses Eirik looking down.

“ _What’s wrong?_ ”

“ _Why do I feel guilty of enjoying my time with you?_ ”

The man doesn’t reply for a couple of minutes then he sighs and says.

“ _I think it’s because you still love Even and… perhaps you believe you’re betraying what you had together?_ ”

 

Isak shakes his head.  Is that what he felt?  Is that what he was doing?  How can he betray someone who dumped him in the first place?  Technically they haven’t officially broken up, they’re on time-off, but after over six months of radio silence this was turning into the real thing.  He had spoken to Heidi less than two weeks before and she told him Even had decided to stay in the US for the summer.  He’s planned on travelling across North America…  So why should he turn away someone who cares for him on the vain hope his boyfriend would come back?  Suddenly he looks up and asks.

“ _Do you have feelings for me Eirik?_ ”

Isak knows the guy does; that picture in his office… how long has he been staring at it?  And the way he touches him – it’s like he wants more but refrains himself.  He feels the man tensing up but he stays quiet so Isak prompts him again.

“ _I saw the picture above your desk…”_   He chuckles _“…How did you even manage to get it?_ ”

Eirik breathes slowly out.

“ _I told you I didn’t stalk you… it was given to me in January.  Remember that friend who teaches at UiO?  His name’s Andreas and he simply took a print screen of your student ID on the undergraduates’ registry._ ”

“ _Why?_ ”

Eirik laughs and relaxes.

“ _You haven’t met him – he’s quite whimsical._ ”

“ _And you haven’t answered my question yet…_ ”

Eirik sighs and kisses his hair then he pecks his right ear and whispers.

“ _You know I do… but you’re not ready…_ ”

“ _What is it that you feel for me?_ ”

The man exhales in apparent frustration.

“ _Do we have to have that discussion now?  You’re barely out of a relationship that you’re still mourning…  And then there’s the… what happened to you last year…_ ”

One massive hand cups the side of Isak’s face and a thumb strokes his cheekbone.

“ _Give yourself time.  There’s no need to make any decision about anything right now…_ ”

Isak smiles against the man’s hairy arm.  How does he always know what to say?

“ _Can I stay over tonight?_ ”

“ _That’s what guest rooms are for and I happen to have one._ ”

“ _No, I mean with you, in your bed?_ ”

Eirik shakes a negative.

“ _Too dangerous… it could happen, you might even enjoy yourself, but I guarantee it you would feel shitty tomorrow.  Not to mention it could ruin what we have now, and I won’t have that._ ” 

He pauses as if looking for the right words.

“ _I want… I need to take care of you Isak… because you could use being taken care of for a change and… I don’t want to rush into things that could compromise that.  Will you let me do that?_ ”

 

Isak can’t see from the tears.  It’s like everything he’s ever wanted was being offered to him on a plate and he’s dreading to believe it – in case it turns out to be nothing but a mirage.  There’s another kiss on his burning ear and then another whisper.

“ _But I’ll make a deal with you Morgenstjernen* 12…  If there comes a time when you truly want more… then come to me and I’ll give you more… Until then I’ll wait…  Deal?_”  

Isak closes his eyes and bites at his lips.  He’s so full of contradictions right now he thinks he might burst!  For the last two and a half years Even has been the axel around which his life has revolved.  But now that anchor is gone and he’s been spinning out of control for close to a year… until this guy… this wise and gentle man caught him…  Who says he can’t rest for a little while?  So he rubs his face on Eirik’s arm and murmurs. 

“ _Deal!_ ” 

 

**********

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1- http://oriental.no/grensen/forside/  
> 2- http://www.menshairstyletrends.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/ryan_hardgrind-zero-fade-mens-haircut-disconnected-on-top.jpg  
> 3- http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=twink  
> 4- http://www.londonpub.no/  
> 5- https://www.tripadvisor.ca/Restaurant_Review-g190479-d3384791-Reviews-Ett_Glass-Oslo_Eastern_Norway.html  
> 6- http://www.sloshspot.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/03-Ringnes.jpg  
> 7- https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/sk%C3%A5l#Interjection  
> 8- https://www.guggenheim.org/artwork/2019  
> 9- http://www.wassilykandinsky.net/images/works/229.jpg  
> 10- http://www.jaipur.no/  
> 11- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WH8TrFQn5QY  
> 12- Morning Star
> 
>  
> 
> \----------
> 
> I know I promissed Sarah to write about the boys - but I've pushed it ahead - this chapter was long enough and I wanted to concentrate on the weekend itself.


	14. Crossroads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When hearts begin to align and paths to diverge...
> 
> \----------  
> It appears the direct linking still doesn't work... *scowl*
> 
> The track for this chapter is "Change" by Tracy Chapman
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkCxkgDde88

# Isak

 

 

**Friday, 06-28-2019 13:57PM**

 

 

Bodil closes the door behind them and he goes to sit in his usual chair.  They meet every other week now rather than weekly.  Today he’s anxious to tell her about Eirik.  He needs her input to try and work out the tangle that weekend left in its wake.  She tilts her head and smiles.

“ _So how have you been since the last time?_ ”

He licks his lips and says.

“ _I’ve met someone last Friday…_ ”

She raises one eyebrow and waits for him to continue.

“ _We met through GrindR…_ ”

“ _You wanted to hook up for sex?_ ”

He shrugs.

“ _Not really… more like dipping my big toe in to see how warm the water is… and also to see how different being with another guy would feel compared to being with Even._ ”

She nods and asks.

“ _So how did it go?_ ”

His smile is rueful when he sighs.

“ _Not your typical GrindR date…_ ”  He snorts. “ _Argh listen to me!  As if I was a regular…  This was actually my first time…  Anyway I went out with a friend for my birthday and at some point I checked if I had messages and there was one that stood out.  Very witty… so I messaged him…_ ”

She cuts in.

“ _What was his name?_ ”

“ _Eirik…  I invited him to join us at the club we were at.  Long story short I ended up at his place.  We had a few drinks and at some point I got turned on..._ ”

She raises a hand to stall him.

“ _Tell me more about him.  What does he look like for starters?_ ”

He licks his lips again and smiles.

“ _Totally up my alley.  He’s forty, almost two meters tall, hairy and… well let’s just say he’s equipped for long nights…_ ” 

 

He bites on a secret grin.  You can’t spend a weekend lounging between a guy’s open legs without getting a pretty good gauge on the package, even if it’s limp.  It turns out Eskild’s theory about big hands is true…  Twice in the last week Isak got himself off thinking about Eirik and how it would feel to ride that massive rod…  He felt guilty afterwards but there was no denying the powerful attraction.  Bodil interrupts his lusty train of thoughts with another question.

“ _So did you guys have sex?_ ”

Isak shakes his head.

“ _No.  We were slowly getting there when I had a flashback from the rape…_ ”

“ _Oh?  What happened?_ ”

“ _He calmed me down and held me close…_ ”

He recalls the ‘storm’ that followed.

“ _…then I totally broke down… I was frantic and he just… went on holding me.  He didn’t say anything, not a word, but he was there like… completely.  I couldn’t have felt safer even if it had been my own dad…_ ” 

Actually his father would’ve probably been very uncomfortable.  She takes some notes and then asks.

“ _Why did you break down?  What were you thinking about?_ ”

He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, returning to that moment.  Eirik’s strong arms around him…

“ _As you know my dad and I aren’t really speaking… and since Even left I haven’t had anyone I could truly open too.  I mean I can talk with my friends but I needed more than just talking…  And this guy gave it to me._ ”

He stays quiet for a while and then.

“ _Eirik said I am mourning my relationship with Even…_ ”

“ _Do you think he’s right?_ ”

“ _Yea… there’s that but also something else…  Behind the pain and frustration of being dumped, the loneliness that came after, there’s also relief…_ ”

Bodil looks up at him and repeats.

“ _Relief?_ ”

He nods.

“ _Yep… I… don’t have to deal with the bipolar thing anymore.  When I realized that, I truly felt like a piece of shit.  It’s not Even’s fault that he’s sick; in fact he would give an arm to be ‘normal’ again…  I can only imagine what he went through over there on his own…_ ”

“ _Aren’t you still in contact with his parents?_ ”

He swallows the lump in his throat.

“ _I spoke to his mother three weeks ago but all she said was he wasn’t coming back this summer.  I know they skype at least once a week but I’m not about to quiz her…_ ”

“ _Why not?_ ”

He stares at his therapist.

“ _Because I respect her too much to put her in a situation where she would have to lie to cover her son…_ ”

 

He looks away.  Is that honestly all there is to it?  Heidi’s tone had been very cautious so he knew she was not telling him everything.  Perhaps Even asked her to keep quiet about him… or perhaps he had met someone else…  In any case when all was said and done he felt Even owed him at least that much: to come to him.  He would not run after his boyfriend, not after everything that happened.

 

Bodil waits some more then she prompts him again.

“ _So what happened after that…‘storm’, as you put it?_ ”

“ _He must have carried me upstairs in his bedroom.  That’s where I woke up the next day.  He himself slept in the guest room._ ”

“ _Why do you think he did this?  Cared for you like that?_ ”

Isak recalls the pictures of Andrew…

“ _You have to understand… I only met him last Friday but he knew of me since December…_ ”

He proceeds to explain the context.  He speaks of the pictures in the man’s office.  Then he mentions Andrew and what Eirik had told him about his first lover.

“ _He said he needs to care for me…  I think… he sees himself in me… When his boyfriend died there was no one to help him.  Does that make sense?_ ”

She’s nodding as she takes more notes.  Then she looks up again and asks.

“ _What do you want out of this new relationship?_ ”

He rakes at his cropped mop, blowing air through his lips, at a loss for words.  Was it even a ‘relationship’?  So he temporizes instead.

“ _I wanted to speak with you before I call him back…_ ”

“ _So you want to see him again then?_ ”

“ _I’d like to yea._ ”

“ _Why?_ ”

He shrugs.

“ _I enjoy talking with him… nothing fazes Eirik and I dig his dry humor._ ” 

But there’s more to it than that of course. 

“ _I’m drawn to him, and it’s not just physical.  I like his attitude… he doesn’t want to rush me into anything; he’s willing to wait for when I’m ready._ ”

“ _And what about Even?_ ”

He snorts and stares at her.

“ _What about him?  He’s on the other side of the Atlantic and we haven’t spoken in months.  Meanwhile here’s a guy I like and who enjoys my company…  Are you saying I shouldn’t see him?_ ”

She’s frowning now while she shakes a negative.

“ _I’m not suggesting anything Isak.  My job is to help you identify your motivations.  Are you genuinely interested in Eirik or is he just a way for you to get over Even?_ ”

 

He looks away, suddenly uncertain.  He casts his mind back to the last weekend, reviewing everything that happened between them.  Is that why Eirik didn’t want to be more intimate; because he too needed to make sure of Isak’s intentions?

“ _I’m really interested but… I just don’t know how far I want to go._ ”

 

*****

 

**Saturday, 07-13-2019 18:32PM**

 

 

Mahdi was the first to arrive for their pre-game.  Last year he had decided to study business administration in Bergen so he’s not around as often.  In fact Isak hadn’t seen him since the Easter weekend in April.  They clasp hands twice and the older boy looks dubious as he details his friend’s new look; the clothes, the hairdo and the piercing on his left eyebrow.  Isak had gone ahead and chosen a small silver barbell, very discreet.  Finally Mahdi chuckles and says.

“ _I hope you’re ready for when Magnus sees you!_ ”

Isak replies, mock serious.

“ _I’ll just play it embarrassed…_ ”

And both his friends start laughing.  Jonas too was startled when Isak came back from the piercing parlor over a week ago.  But his roommate always takes everything in stride and besides, Siri had gushed, declaring it ‘totally cool’.

 

So beers are taken out of the fridge and set on their kitchen’s table.  They sit around and begin swapping stories.  Magnus would be delayed since he’s at Eva’s house, getting the surprise party ready.  Today is Vilde’s twentieth’s birthday and Mags wanted something special for her.  The girly pack joined in, determined to deceive Vilde into thinking this would be a small affair; a dinner out followed by a quiet evening among themselves at Eva’s.  But since they had also enlisted Eskild’s help, it meant a huge crowd would most likely show up.  The rallying call was set for 20:30PM because the pack was meant to return at around 21:00PM.

 

 

**Saturday, 07-13-2019 19:24PM**

 

 

The doorbell rings and Jonas rises to get it.  A moment later, while they are approaching, Isak and Mahdi can hear an excited Magnus retelling some anecdote that leaves their shaggy friend chortling.  And when they both enter the kitchen Mags stops dead in his tracks and stares wide eyed at Isak.

“ _WTF man!  What did you do to your hair!?_ ”

The others are snickering and it takes all of Isak’s game not to burst into a grin.  Instead he shrugs, affecting disappointment.

“ _What?  You don’t like it?_ ”

The younger man doesn’t respond but simply leans closer, gaping as he takes in the piercing.

“ _What the fuck is that!?_ ”

All three of them, Jonas, Mahdi and Isak guffaw at the incredulous tone in Mags’ voice.  Isak slaps Magnus on the shoulder, grinning.

“ _What are you on about my hair, you lost yours too huh!?_ ”

 

Indeed he had, ever since being accepted at PHS.*1  They shaved him down to a crew cut, which, if Isak was being honest, suited him.  The younger man chooses a Carlsberg from the assortment at the center of the table and plops down facing him.  Every once in a while Mags glances his way and shakes his head.  Isak can’t help chuckling.  At some point Jonas asks.

“ _So is everything ready over at Eva’s?_ ”

Mags makes a face and replies.

“ _Ready?!  People were already showing up when I left to come here!  Eskild stayed behind to make sure everyone behaves until the girls arrive.  I have no fucking clue how many he’s invited._ ”

Isak grins.  That sounded like Eskild alright.  Then something occurs to him and he asks.

“ _What did you get her?_ ”

Magnus suddenly looks self-conscious and doesn’t reply right away.  Mahdi gibes.

“ _Come on man, did you ruin yourself or something?_ ”

Their pimpled friend shrugs and empties his bottle before he looks at them in turn, very serious.

“ _A ring…_ ”

Jonas frowns before he smiles widely, the first to catch on.

“ _Ah!  Like an engagement ring?!?_ ”

There’s a guilty smile on Magnus’ wide lips as he grabs the phone in his pocket and unlocks it.  His fingers dance on the screen until he passes it around.  When Isak looks down at the device he sees the picture of a slender band of silver whose crown is made of two slouching cats fighting over a single pearly ball.*2

“ _We both love cats…_ ”  Mags says.  And then he looks at Jonas and queries.

“ _What about you and Siri?_ ”

Isak watches as his best friend rolls his eyes and says.

“ _We’ve been together less than a year Magnus!  Besides Siri isn’t a cat lover…_ ”

Then Mags turns to Mahdi and raises both eyebrows.

“ _There must be lots of cute chicks in Bergen huh?_ ”

The dark guy flashes a grin.

“ _Far too many to settle down with just one…_ ”

And then Magnus turns to him.

“ _Surely Even is about to propose after all this time… right?_ ”

 

Isak snorts and swallows some more beer.  Suddenly he reflects about how much you could hide from your friends even with a 24/7 coverage on social medias…  Noora, Sana and Jonas had been very discreet.  Then he shrugs; maybe it was time to lay down his cards…

“ _Even and I haven’t spoken since last November… as a matter of fact I got a breakup letter in December…_ ”

“ _WHAT!?!?_ ”

Even Mahdi seems stunned but he stays quiet, looking down at his bottle.  Magnus is another story though…

“ _How’s that fucking possible?  You two were like… always together!_ ”

Isak stares at him.

“ _People change Mags… things happen and people just drift away…!_ ”

He doesn’t offer more.  But the younger man won’t have it.  Even has been his role model since that Christmas party in 2016 and he won’t accept so little as a way of explanation.

“ _Bullshit!  I’ve seen you two together often enough to know it would’ve taken something like… a nuke to split you apart!_ ”

Isak glances at Jonas who winces.  Suddenly the mood is no longer merry.  He stares at Magnus again and says.

“ _Something did happen Mags… something Even couldn’t get over… and I won’t talk about it…  I’m here, he’s in the US and that’s it!_ ”

There is an awkward silence for a couple of minutes and then the guys start chatting about something else.  Isak just sits quietly until it’s time to get ready and leave for Eva’s.

 

*****

 

**Saturday, 07-13-2019 20:57PM**

 

 

As they near the house the place looks as if there’s no one home.  Magnus guides them towards the back entrance.  He has a key which he now uses.  And there is Eskild, leaning against the doorframe like a Cerberus.  He would’ve yelled if he wasn’t almost whispering.

“ _Finally!  What took you guys so long?!_ ”

They file in and Isak gets a sense there’s a lot of people muttering in the shadows.  Sometimes a giggle echoes but it’s immediately shushed.  Isak and the boys steadily make their way towards the living room when suddenly a cry resonates near the main front door.

“ _Here they come!_ ”

Eslkid’s voice dominates the gathered crowd.

“ _Get into position everyone!  Kasper, don’t switch on the lights when the door opens, wait until the girls have climbed the stairs.  And when the lights come on we all blow our whistles at once and scream happy birthday!_ ”

 

Somebody had passed him a small plastic whistle in the semi darkness so Isak raises it to his lips with his right hand.  In his left one he clutches the gift bag intended for Vilde.  Everyone grows quiet when they hear the keys turning in the front lock.  There is laughter coming through and Isak has to smile when he recognizes Vilde’s typical neighing.  It looks like they had a drink or three at the restaurant. 

 

As soon as Eva and a teetering Vilde make their way atop the stairs every light in the house go up.  Isak joins in on the chorus of strident whistling, while some people throw rainbow paper streamers and others pink confetti.

 

_**HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!** _

 

There are bouquets of black & pink balloons hanging from the walls with the number 20 printed on them.  There’s also a small rectangular table resting against the railing of the basement stairs were people could deposit their gifts.

 

Vilde drops the bag she was carrying and both her hands shoot up to cover her mouth.  Her blue eyes are even wider than usual and tears are streaming from them.  Then she lets out a squeal and rushes deeper into the living room, throwing herself in the arms of Noora!  Isak giggles.  His old roommate was back in England with William (nobody could guess for how long) yet she flew in for the occasion.  She had cut her silver bangs into a shorter bob but apart from that she hadn’t changed.  And now she is shushing a crying Vilde, rubbing her friend’s back.

 

Isak’s eyes roam the smiling crowd.  He recognizes many faces from their time at Nissen but there are others he doesn’t know; friends of the birthday girl from Uni he presumes.  He sees Jonas laughing at something Siri is telling him.  She had volunteered to help Eskild and Magnus prepare the whole thing so she’d spent most of the afternoon here.  And there, chatting with Eva and Sana, looking like the cat that got the cream pot, stands his guru.

 

At which point another whistle is blown loud enough to get everyone’s attention.  And Magnus comes in closer.  His left hand is concealed behind his back when he stops mere centimeters from his girlfriend who looks up at him like a proud mom.  Mags manages to startle her when he drops on one knee and reveals the little box he was hiding, presenting it to her like an offering.  When she unwraps the ribbon and opens it Vilde’s eyes become like round coins and she blushes while her mouth hangs half open.  Magnus rises and holds his girlfriend’s left hand before he pushes the delicate band down her ring finger.  And then she caresses his face and leans in for a kiss.  That’s when he lifts her up and turns on himself while everyone begins to cheer and applaud the couple.

And suddenly there’s a holler ringing across the room; Eskild!

“ _ **LET’S PARTYYYYY!**_ ”

The gathering breaks up into small little groups as the music starts blaring throughout the house.  Isak is slowly making his way to get closer to his guru when he notices a brown haired guy in a blue polo shirt and slim white jeans, standing close to Eskild.  Isak stops midway and just stares.  He can’t believe it!  Now there’s someone he hadn’t expected to ever see again!  His guru smirks and points his way with his chin, then the other guy turns around and yells.

“ _Isaac!_ ”

Isak can only laugh when Jason hugs him close then pushes him back, holding on to his shoulders.

“ _I’m sorry Isak…” He says in Norwegian. “…I’m still working on it._ ”  He looks at him up and down and adds.

“ _Holy fuck you’ve become hot!_ ”

Isak grins and blushes at the same time.  Tonight he’s wearing a black cotton shirt with rolled up long sleeves and open neckline – casual dark grey linen harem trousers and a pair of black canvas laceless sneakers.

“ _When the hell did you arrive?_ ”

“ _Two days ago… I’m still jet-lagged but at least I’m fucking here again!_ ”

Isak looks at the guy.  His hair is longer, shorn just under his ears, and he’s all smiles.  His Norwegian is actually not bad at all.

“ _You’re much better at Norwegian!_ ”

“ _I better be!  I slaved like a dog all through last year to get to this point.  But the best part is: I’ve been accepted at UiO!_ ”

Eskild grins, eyes shining.

“ _And he’s gonna stay with me won’t you baby?_ ”

Jason turns his head and pecks his boyfriend’s lips.

“ _You thought you’d get rid of me didn’t ya?_ ”

His friend tousles the younger man’s hair.

“ _Never!_ ”

Isak looks at them nuzzling and a pang of envy pinches inside; not so long ago he was the one being teased like that…

 

*****

 

Isak feels a slight brush on his forearm and he smiles when he turns and sees Sana motioning for them towards a quiet corner.  She’s all in black too, with the merest hint of a sanguine lipstick.  She looks him up and down then she nods.

“ _One couldn’t blame anyone, man or woman, to fall for you._ ”

He rolls his eyes yet he’s pleased by the compliment.  She goes on.

“ _Eskild let slip you met someone on your birthday…_ ”

“ _Of course he did…_ ” In the driest tone he can manage.

She ignores that and asks.

“ _What’s his name?_ ”

“ _Eirik._ ”

“ _And how is he?_ ”

He sighs and looks away.

“ _Older… handsome… very understanding and… patient…_ ”

“ _Sounds like a good friend to me no?_ ”

“ _Yeah…_ ”

“ _Do you want more?_ ”

“ _I don’t know…_ ”  He hesitates and then. “ _…my therapist asked me if all I wanted was to use him so I could get over Even…_ ”

She purses her lips while considering him shrewdly.

“ _I don’t think using people is really your style Isak… not anymore anyway…_ ”

He sips at his bottle while she observes him.  He swallows and says.

“ _I… don’t want to start something with him if…_ ”

“ _…Even comes back?_ ”

“ _Yeah…_ ”

She cocks her head and looks at him with sympathy.

“ _You know Isak, sometimes a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush…_ ”

He stares at her and she winks, smiling that knowing smile of hers.

 

*****

 

**Saturday, 07-13-2019 22:42PM**

 

 

The party is in full swing and he’s perched precariously on the arm of the living chair Eva sits in.  He leans closer to hear what she is saying.

“ _…with Chris in the army I’m thinking of taking a break from Uni… maybe travel a bit… just to have some time to myself you know?_ ”

“ _Where would you go?_ ”

She shrugs and pulls a face.

“ _I’d love to visit Australia or New Zealand but that’s a little too expensive… maybe South America..._ ”

She sips at her glass of wine and gazes about until she straightens in her seat and wonders.

“ _Who is that?_ ”

She’s looking toward the main entrance so Isak turns and almost falls off his perch, astonished.  Eirik is here, chuckling at something Eskild is telling him.  And Eva asks.

“ _Do you know this guy Isak?_ ”

He can’t stop staring.  Eirik is all in white.  It’s almost as if he’s tanned in that loose linen shirt.  And the drawstring Riviera pants makes him look even more relaxed than usual.  Eva nudges him.

“ _What’s with the silly smile?  Do you know him or not?_ ”

“ _Yeah… he’s a friend…_ ”

“ _Well he’s very handsome so why don’t you introduce us huh?_ ”

 

They both make their way to where his close friends are gathering around Eirik and Eskild, curious about the stranger in their midst.  If he’s uneasy with the growing attention Eirik doesn’t show any signs of it.  His guru is quickly introducing him to the boys and the rest of the girly pack.  When he sees them approach Eskild beams.

“ _Ah!  And there’s Eva!_ ”  He looks slyly at Eirik and adds. “ _Of course you already know Isak._ ”

Everyone turns to him, from Sana whose dark eyes are twinkling with amusement, to Jonas who’s shaking his head as if he’s just now getting the joke, to Magnus who’s frowning and looks suspicious.  Sometimes Isak could literally strangle his guru.  But Eirik’s eyes are focused on him alone so he ignores the heat on his cheeks and says.

“ _Halla._ ”

 

Eirik turns aside to look at Vilde and bows a fraction, presenting her with an envelope.

“ _I understand today’s your birthday so I brought you a little present._ ”

She smiles, visibly delighted, and opens the packet.  Her eyes go round when she takes in the content.  She looks up at him, instantly serious.

“ _I can’t accept that, it’s too much and you don’t even know me._ ”

“ _I was told you always wanted to go there.  Besides I can’t show up to your party empty handed now can I?_ ”

Vilde’ smile returns and she leans up to peck Eirik on the cheek.

“ _It’s so very generous of you.  Thank you!_ ”

Magnus is openly scowling now.  But his girlfriend holds the glazed paper card high, like a trophy.

“ _A gift certificate for the Artesia at the Grand Hotel!_ ”*3

 

The girls all move at once to have a look and Eirik winks at Eskild who looks even more smug than usual.  Isak comes closer and shakes his head, grinning at the older man.

“ _What are you doing here!?_ ”

Eirik shrugs yet a small smile lingers on his lips

“ _I was invited._ ”

Now Isak glances at his guru.

“ _And how did you get Eirik’s number?_ ”

The older boy affects an innocent look.

“ _Remember when my phone battery died on Thursday when we had lunch, and I had to borrow yours…?_ ”

Isak snorts a quiet WTF.  Eskild urges.

“ _Come on little buddy!  This party is as much for you as it is for Vilde; the girls actually wanted to organize something for your own birthday three weeks ago but you and I had made other plans so… I figured inviting Eirik tonight would be… a nice bonus!_ ”

Isak rolls his eyes but he chuckles.  God what a devious bastard!  At that moment Jason pipes in and asks Eirik.

“ _Are you Isak’s mann?_ ”

Isak, Eirik and Eskild all burst out laughing until his guru gently chides the young American.

“ _No baby, Eirik is not Isak’s ‘husband’ – the word you wanted is ‘kjæreste’ – boyfriend – and he’s not that either; they’re just friends.  And now I need a drink so we’ll leave these two alone.  Come along!_ ”  

 

*****

 

**Saturday, 07-13-2019 23:54PM**

 

 

They sit on the backyard porch, facing each other on a wooden bench.  The night is still quite warm and the scent of twinflowers wafting from the garden is heavy on the air.  Eirik sips directly from the bottle of Riesling he brought with him.  By the time they searched the kitchen for glasses there were none left.  Isak gulps at his own bottle of Carlsberg and says.

“ _I’m really glad you’re here._ ”

And he is.  His breath had caught when he first saw him earlier.  They hadn’t spoken directly since the weekend they spent together.  They exchanged a few non committal texts after his last visit to Bodil but Isak kept thinking about her question; did he want to use Eirik?  The man clears his throat and replies.

“ _I almost didn’t come…_ ”

“ _Why?_ ”

He shrugs and licks his lips.

“ _This isn’t my crowd…  Everyone’s in their late teens or early twenties… I don’t really belong…_ ”

He takes another sip and wipes his mouth.

“ _…and…_ ”  He snorts a rueful little laugh.  “ _…I don’t know how many times I have to repeat this but I’m no stalker…_ ”  He looks directly in the boy’s eyes.  “ _I didn’t want you to get the wrong impression._ ”

Isak is mesmerized by the gleam in the man’s luminous gaze.

 “ _So… what changed your mind?_ ”

“ _I wanted to see you again._ ”

 

Isak lets out a slow breath.  Despite all the compliments tonight, despite everything they shared when he was with him at his place, he still doesn’t quite believe he deserves the kind of look he sees in Eirik’s eyes right now; longing but without urging – just an open door.  The man breaks the spell when he remembers something.  He takes out his phone from a back pocket and starts texting.  Isak’s own phone dings and he fishes it out.

 **Eirik** : “ _I owe you a real gift for your birthday._ ”

The message sits atop the screencap of a confirmation order from Ticketbis:

Two front row seats at Parken Stadium in Copenhagen, for the Global Spirit Tour of Depeche Mode, on Friday August 16th.

Isak bites a grin and looks up.  Eirik’s eyes are dancing.

“ _We could stay the weekend.  There’s this cozy little hotel I know, the Ibsen* 4, not far from the Søerne*5, downtown.  We could play tourists._”

“ _You’re crazy!_ ”

“ _I think you may be right, I’m a little unhinged._ ”

Another sip from the bottle and then.

“ _Just think about it.  If you don’t feel like it then I’m sure I can badger Andreas in joining me._ ”

Isak has the sudden urge to clasp the man’s hand but instead he rakes his mop of hair and nods.

“ _I’ll think about it._ ”

 

*****

 

**Sunday, 08-18-2019 17:34PM**

 

 

As soon as he closes the door of the flat Isak drops both knapsacks and leans against the wall, eyes shut.  The little weekend trip to Denmark had been fantastic but he’s fucking drained!  The train left Copenhagen’s Central Station at 8:30AM, which means they had to wake at 6:30AM maximum and they didn’t sleep much last night so…

“ _I knew I heard something!_ ”

Isak opens his eyes and glances at Jonas.  Sweatpants, black t-shirt and hair askew; which means he didn’t leave the flat today.

“ _Hi._ ”

“ _So how was it?_ ” Jonas says.

“ _Exhausting… but otherwise great!_ ”

His smile is wan as he picks up his packs.

“ _Is there any food ready?  I’m starving!_ ”

“ _I was about to make some pasta, wanna join?_ ”

“ _Nice!  Yeah… sure!_ ”

 

 

**Sunday, 08-18-2019 18:22PM**

 

 

First things first!  He goes for the shower.  After over nine hours of travelling by cab and train he needed to cool down and relax.  He and Eirik didn’t speak much on the return trip.  His friend had a lot of work to do so he was focused on his laptop; whereas Isak had to revise for the finals of the summer semester this week.  But just being near each other was enough.  And when the taxi stopped in front of his building he planted a quick kiss on Eirik’s lips.

 

He’s devouring his linguini.  Jonas had heated some arrabiata sauce to go with them and Isak loves anything spicy.  His roommate, who never rushes through anything, is amused by the single minded munching and swallowing.

“ _Slow down man or you’ll choke!_ ”

Isak looks up while he slurps on one long strand and he presents the middle finger of his left hand.  This only serves to provoke a loud chortle.  When he’s done wiping the sides of his plate with a slice of bread Isak drinks some water and finally burps before he sighs.

“ _That was good!  Thanks bro!_ ”

“ _Anytime.  Now that you’re done stuffing yourself… will you tell me about that weekend?_ ”

“ _Well… we took the 18:00PM out last Thursday and arrived at 7:30AM the next morning.  Thirteen and half hours, a real fucking milk run!  Anyway we went straight for the hotel and checked in._ ” 

Eirik had made sure to rent a large room with twin beds… 

“ _After that we had breakfast at the Kong Arthur* 6, the sister hotel to the Ibsen across the courtyard, and then we caught a few hours of sleep.  In the afternoon we took a stroll through the Nyavn*7 and later we went for dinner at Geranium’s;*8 a really nice place near the Telia Parken._”*9

 

After Jonas empties his own plate they begin clearing the table and Isak goes on.

“ _The show was to begin at 20:30PM so we left the restaurant at around 19:45PM…_ ”

“ _Depeche Mode huh?  I didn’t know you were into old 80’s pop!_ ”

Isak snorts.

“ _They started in the 80s yes but their latest album dates from 2017…  And before you piss on it google the lyrics of ‘Where’s the Revolution’, I think they’ll appeal to you Mr. Sociology Student…_ ”

 

Water is filling the sink as Isak drops in some liquid soap.  He begins with the glasses.

“ _After the show we got back downtown and ended up at a place called ‘Never Mind’* 10; apparently it’s the best gay club in Copenhagen…_”

He smirks to himself as he rinses a plate.  Eirik had to fend off more than a few guys trying to be a little too friendly…

“ _The next day we walked all over the city.  We visited the Tivoli Gardens* 11, the Round Tower*12, the Rosenborg Castle with the King’s Gardens*13, the Amalienborg*14 – where the Danish Royal family lives and finally the Botanical Garden._”*15

He’s now scrubbing the pots.  Jonas had been listening in silence until now.

“ _Quite a romantic weekend…_ ”

Isak rolls his eyes and turns to him.

“ _Why is everyone so… obsessed with my love life?_ ”

“ _It’s no obsession man… just an observation.  Everyone saw how you two were around each other at Vilde’s party…_ ”

Isak returns to his scrubbing and mumbles.

“ _We’re just friends…_ ”

 

Yeah right!  What about the long making out session on Eirik’s bed last night huh?  How they had slowly moved, grinding up and down against each other, mouths locked, with both their tongues caressing the way their hands dared not…  If Eirik hadn’t put an end to it Isak would have jumped out of his clothes right there…  He remembers the man’s lips hovering bare millimeters above his, panting out the words.

“ _We… shouldn’t…_ ”

Relief and frustration dueled inside him then… and inside Eirik as well he supposes.  So he ended up in the shower of his private bathroom at 2:00AM in the morning, jerking off the pent up tension.

 

He finishes cleaning up the last of the water spill on the counter when Jonas clears his throat.  His best friend sounds apprehensive when he says.

“ _Actually… there’ something I wanted to speak to you about…_ ”

“ _What’s that?_ ”

Jonas is nervously playing with the dish towel in his hand until he looks squarely at Isak and says.

“ _I’ve asked Siri if she wanted to move in with me…_ ”

Isak takes a breath and then lets it out before replying.

“ _That’s… awesome…  What did she say?_ ”

“ _She said she’d be willing if you don’t object…_ ”

“ _Jonas… this is your apartment… I’m just a guest here._ ”

“ _Fuck that!  You know you’re more than that!  You’re my bro!_ ”

He bites a smile and looks directly into his friend’s eyes.

“ _I have no issues with it if she learns how to clean after herself… I won’t play the maid around here ‘Jon…_ ”

Jonas nods at the warning, an agreement.  Then he grins.

“ _How about a rematch at FIFA?_ ”

“ _Ah!  You’re on man!_ ”

 

**********

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1- http://www.phs.no/en/  
> 2- https://www.etsy.com/listing/72434527/two-cats-ring-with-pearl-size-3-to-8-34#reviews  
> 3- https://www.yelp.com/biz/artesia-spa-grand-hotel-oslo  
> 4- http://www.arthurhotels.dk/ibsens-hotel/  
> 5- http://www.welcome-to-my-copenhagen.com/the_lakes.html  
> 6- http://www.arthurhotels.dk/hotel-kong-arthur/  
> 7- http://www.copenhagenet.dk/CPH-Nyhavn.htm  
> 8- http://www.geranium.dk/en/  
> 9- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parken_Stadium  
> 10- https://www.facebook.com/nevermindbar.dk/?rf=171002389605023  
> 11- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tivoli_Gardens  
> 12- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rundetaarn  
> 13- http://parkmuseerne.dk/en/rosenborg-castle/ - http://parkmuseerne.dk/en/the-kings-garden/  
> 14- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amalienborg  
> 15- http://parkmuseerne.dk/en/the-botanical-garden/  
> __________
> 
> I've begun rewriting chapter 3 to remove the burlesque and put everyone in it more in character. I will merge 2 & 3\. I will also clean up the comment section, removing all the hysteria there. Finally unless I go on a tangent the next chapter should be the conclusion of this tale.


	15. Just a Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When one's wants meet one's needs...
> 
> \----------
> 
> This chapter's track is a cover of Sam Smith's "Stay With Me!" by Sam Tsui.
> 
> I won't even bother trying to direct link this time around.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4R7Lk44AzU

# Andreas

 

 

**Thursday, 08-22-2019 18:11PM**

 

 

Andreas stares, fascinated by the twirl of the Fontal Crianza in his tall Bordeaux glass, while Eirik recounts his weekend in Copenhagen with that boy…  He knows he shouldn’t be jealous yet he can’t help it.  The way Eirik’s eyes lit up when he says the lad’s name, Isak, is… painful to watch.  He remembers his friend speaking in the same way about Andy…  And yet he doesn’t recall ever hearing that… intensity in Eirik’s voice when they were together.

 

Long ago he made his peace with the fact they wouldn’t be a couple and yet, after that wild ride in April…  This fucking sucks!  He gazes at the grin on the older guy’s face, who’s telling him about their visit at Never Mind and how he fended off all the guys who tried to get into the lad’s pants.  Suddenly he’s had enough so he cuts in.

“ _Did you manage to drill his ass at least?  Or did he just keep you running all weekend?_ ”

Eirik stares at him confounded until he shakes his head and says.

“ _Where did that came from?_ ”

Andreas raises an eyebrow and gulps down some more wine before he replies.

“ _I know you Eirik, I’m pretty certain you paid for everything; the train, the hotel, the food, not to mention the show...  So if you’re to play sugar daddy with that boy, the least he can do is get on his four and take it!_ ”

He watches his friend’s eyes darken to a somber lead.  He’s frowning and his jaw is clenched, yet when he speaks the tone is still calm.

“ _I don’t know what’s gotten into you but you better stop now._ ”  He lets out a slow breath and goes on.

“ _You were right in January about that rumor, Isak was raped last year.  When I first met him he had a panic attack as soon as he began touching me…  So no matter what I may fantasize about in private I’ll never force myself upon him!_ ”

Andreas bites on his lips.  What a fool he’d been, one flash of bitter jealousy without even grasping the whole picture.

“ _I apologize…_ ”  He grimaces and drains the last of his wine. “ _…I guess I’m just jealous._ ” 

“ _There’s no reason to be jealous Andreas._ ”

He stares at the man sitting crossed legged on the sofa and shakes his head.  His friend isn’t stupid so why is he being so dense about this?  His tone is acerbic when he retorts.

“ _In case it escaped your notice you’re in love with the lad Eirik!_ ”

The man licks his lips and says.

“ _I care about him a great deal yes.  I’ll even agree he really turns me on but…_ ”

“ _Why is it so hard to admit it?  You talk about him the way you used to talk about Andy; your eyes shine when you say his name for Christ’ sake!_ ”

Eirik doesn’t reply but simply looks away.  Eventually he sighs and his voice is subdued when he speaks again.

“ _I’m afraid to go there…_ ”

“ _Why?_ ”

“ _He had a boyfriend who dumped him last December… around the time I noticed him at Frederique’s._ ”

Eirik looks back at him and adds.

“ _Even though he likes me well enough he still loves the guy you see…_ ”

Andreas can’t help himself.  He throws him a barb.

“ _Perhaps now you understand how I feel…_ ”

Several emotions register on Eirik’s face in quick succession: anger, frustration, doubt, sorrow.

“ _Andreas…_ ”

 

There is so much compassion in the man’s voice he could cry if he allowed himself to.  He closes his eyes and starts chuckling instead.  Who was it that said ‘Nothing hurts quite as exquisitely as loving someone who doesn’t love you back’?  He must have read that somewhere…  When he looks up at him, Eirik’s own eyes are full of concern.  So he smiles, sardonic, and says.

“ _Don’t worry handsome.  I’ve learned to live with the ghost of your first lover – I’ll do the same with this new ‘angel’ of yours…  And now…_ ”  He rises from the couch, grabbing his empty glass.  “ _…we’ll need more wine if we’re to find a solution to your dilemma!_ ”

 

*****

 

**Thursday, 08-22-2019 19:42PM**

 

 

They are both sitting at the kitchen table and for once Andreas is really relishing the food.  Eirik had grilled a large piece of sirloin steak to perfection, buttering and rubbing it with a halved clove of garlic every time he turned it in the pan.  He made a horseradish sauce to go with it, along with a plate of Tuscan chips and a simple green salad with oil and vinegar.  Andreas has to give it to him, the old man knows how to cook!  And the subtle bouquet of the Spanish red, with that hint of vanilla, was a perfect match.

“ _It’s a rare thing to see you actually enjoy what I serve you!_ ” 

Eirik says it with a trace of gentle mockery in his tone.  Andreas cuts another piece of steak and forks it before bringing it into his mouth.  He stares in Eirik’s eyes while he’s chewing.  After swallowing he licks his lips and replies.

“ _What can I say, I love me some juicy red meat…_ ”

His host starts laughing and shakes his head.

“ _You’re incorrigible!_ ”

“ _I wouldn’t be half as dashing if I wasn’t._ ”

He takes a long draught of his wine and puts down the fork and knife.

“ _Alright handsome, you told me everything that happened between you two since you met.  Now what do you know of Isak’s Ex and their relationship?_ ”

Eirik sighs and sips at his wine.  He shrugs and says.

“ _Even, that’s the guy’s name, is two years older.  He transferred from Bakka to Nissen in his third year and that’s when he noticed Isak… He pursued him until they finally hooked up and he managed to draw the boy out of his closet.  But what Isak didn’t know at the time was that the guy was bipolar…_ ”

“ _Really?  That’s interesting…_ ”

 

Andreas immediately thinks of his friend Silje, who’s been his next door neighbor for six years and who also happens to be bipolar.  He had questioned her at length, genuinely interested.  She explained to him how her emotions are always heightened even when she’s level; which is why so many people diagnosed with the disorder also have an artistic temperament.  For instance Silje is a brilliant graphic artist.  And she paints as well.  In fact he has one of her canvas in his living room, something she did while in the depth of a depressive episode.  There was black, grey and red; it looked like someone crucified or chained against a wall.*1  Andreas was so enamored with it that he offered to buy it but she refused.  She gave it to him instead.

 

Back to Eirik’s problem.  He pours some more wine and invites his friend to go on with a gesture.

“ _Well they worked it out eventually and everything was great most of the time until the boy’s graduation last year.  They ended up having a threesome that went wrong because Even had a manic episode that turned to depression that night, and he stopped paying attention to what the third guy was doing…_ ”

 

Andreas shakes his head.  Yea that sounded familiar.  He’d heard similar stories from Silje and something else too.  When crashing down into depression after a high the self-loathing was at its most intense. Sometimes it was enough to push a person towards suicide.  Suddenly he thinks of something.  He looks at Eirik and says.

“ _Hold that thought for a minute._ ”

He gets up and goes down the hall.  He grabs his flapover portfolio briefcase.  From it he takes out his laptop and returns to the kitchen.  When he settles back down he logs into Instagram and searches for Isak – there ‘isakyaki’.

“ _Come over here Eirik._ ”

His friend rises and comes to stand behind him, looking down at the pictures.  Even kissing Isak on the cheek; another where they’re visibly in a hotel, smiling and apparently naked under white bathrobes; and then that one, with both of them in bed where Even has one arm wrapped over the younger boy’ shoulders.  Andreas tilts his head as he looks up.

“ _What do you see here?_ ”

His friend makes a face and shrugs.

“ _Two guys in love._ ”

“ _Exactly!  Look at this one, see how protective Even is towards Isak?_ ”

“ _What’s your point Andreas?_ ”  His tone is testy.

“ _My point is that this kind of bond doesn’t disappear like that!_ ” 

He snaps the fingers of his right hand.  Eirik breathes out and slowly returns to his own seat, pouring himself a fresh glass.  The younger man leans in and gaze at his friend intently.

“ _I bet you Even broke up out of guilt, not because he was no longer in love, and that means he will turn up again at some point.  I guarantee it.  Are you ready for that?  Are you willing to see the boy you’ve fallen for being snatched away?_ ”

Eirik is staring at him now.

“ _What are you saying?_ ”

“ _Do you want Isak to be with you or not?_ ”

“ _I don’t want to force him in any way._ ”

“ _You’re avoiding the question!_ ”

Eirik is obviously exasperated when he sighs and replies.

“ _What do you want me to tell you; that I’d like it if Isak and I were lovers?  Yes I would!  But I refuse to pressure him!_ ”

Andreas starts chuckling.  He raises his glass in a salute and quotes.

“ _The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting._ ”

Now Eirik has this quizzical look on his face.  Andreas beams.

“ _How many times did I suggest you should read Sun Tzu?  As a matter of fact, you could use a few quotes of his on your walls upstairs…_ ”

His friend purses his lips while he sips at his glass without responding so the younger man goes on.

“ _Whether you want it or not Eirik, this Even is your rival… It’s up to you to be prepared…  As a matter of fact I believe you hold the advantage now…_ ” 

He closes his eyes and recites another passage from Sun Tzu.

“ _Begin by seizing something which your opponent holds dear; then he will be amenable to your will._ ”

His eyes are glinting when he opens them again.  He smirks and adds.

“ _Out of sight - out of mind as they say...  Even isn’t in Oslo but you are…  The boy trusts you and if what you told me about your last night in Copenhagen is anything to go by… then the attraction is definitely there.  You have to capitalize on that…_ ”

Eirik is shaking his head, disbelief in every movement.

“ _Jesus you’re cynical!_ ”

Andreas shrugs, untroubled by the disapproval.

“ _I’m a student of History and I know human nature…  You’re obviously an answer to the lad’s needs… Use this to bind him to you; seduce him and make him love you, so that when your ‘rival’ returns Isak won’t hesitate much, if at all, before choosing you over him…_ ”

 

*****

 

# Isak

 

 

**Tuesday, 08-27-2019 12:18PM**

 

 

The first day of the fall semester begins with Organic Chemistry II, one of the electives he chose this time around.  He is looking forward to it.  Planning and conducting independent lab work, mostly organic synthesis under inert atmosphere and at low temperatures; using flash chromatography to purify compounds; learning to write detailed lab journals, including the necessary safety evaluations.  Boring shit for most people but he enjoys the neatness and precision required to perform experiments in a controlled environment.

 

Sana drops her knapsack and puts the tray in her hands on the table.  He looks up and grins.

“ _Hey girl!_ ”

She smiles back as she takes her place.  Isak peers at the dish.

“ _What did you get?_ ”

“ _Mushroom & garlic pasta._”

“ _Sounds good; maybe next time I’ll think of the veggie bar._ ”

“ _Admit it you just like stuffing yourself with chips.  And you never seem to gain a kilo either!_ ”

He laughs at the naked envy in her voice and proceeds to bite into another spicy potato wedge dipped in mayo.  They eat in silence for a few minutes until Sana takes a sip from her water bottle and asks.

“ _Have you seen Eirik since Vilde’s party?_ ”

He smiles remembering Copenhagen.

“ _We spent the weekend before last in Denmark…_ ”

“ _Really?  So this is serious then?_ ”

He grimaces and then shrugs.

“ _It’s complicated._ ”

She shakes her head as if he is being willfully stubborn.

“ _I’ve seen how he looks at you, and how you look at him… why is it complicated?_ ”

He licks his lips and sighs again.

“ _We made out on the last night we were in Copenhagen… it was pretty intense but he stopped us before we went further._ ”

Her eyes are keen when she replies.

“ _Did he now?  Why do you think?_ ”

“ _It has to do with what happened last year…  He doesn’t want to rush me._ ”

Sana actually looks impressed.  Then she focuses on him and frowns.

“ _Ok let me try to understand this.  You meet a handsome guy you find attractive and who’s interested in you; not only that but he cares enough that he won’t pressure you into anything…  And you hesitate because…?_ ”

 

He looks away.  Why does he hesitate?  Since their trip together they’ve been texting almost every day.  Sometimes it’s just to say ‘Hi’ in the morning or ‘Good Night’ after dark.  Other times Eirik sends him quotes or some witty comments.  There’s no patterns to them, no fixed hour; Isak loves the randomness of it, the fact he never knows what will drop and when.  Still the guilt of enjoying himself with someone other than Even is always there, even if only has a distant smudge on the horizon.  He looks back at Sana.

“ _It feels wrong… like I’m cheating on Even._ ”

She stares at him, incredulous.  He licks his lips and goes on.

“ _We haven’t really broken up…_ ”

It sounded weak even in his ears.  She leans in.

“ _How many months of silence does it take to make it official?_ ”

He shifts in his chair, uncomfortable.  Her implications are clear.  She surprises him by patting his forearm.

“ _Listen to me Isak…_ ”  She presses her lips together, choosing her next words carefully. 

“ _Even if he was back in Norway tomorrow and you guys met – Even wouldn’t be the same person that left last year.  You are no longer the same man that saw him off.  What existed between the two of you has been… radically altered.  You would both have to learn to trust each other all over again, almost as if it was a new relationship; there’s no returning back…_ ”

 

He mulls this over and she’s right of course.  Deep down he’s known it for a while.  In his mind he sees the tenderness in Eirik’s eyes.  Then he conjures up Even’s face to compare and is stunned to realize the contours of his memory have become fuzzy; his boyfriend is still easily recognizable but it’s more like the picture that was once so clear has become a sketch… 

 

His friend is observing him in silence until she adds in a kind voice.

“ _Don’t let the past ruin what you have right now.  If you and Even are to see each other again it will happen when it happens.  But in the meantime you shouldn’t refuse a good thing when it’s freely offered._ ”

He smiles at her and nods.

“ _Takk!_ ”

 

*****

 

  **Monday, 09-02-2019, 20:36PM**

 

 

He rubs at his eyes and massages his neck.  He’s been reading from the manual in Advanced Cell Biology for a few hours now.  And after last night’s argument with Jonas he doesn’t feel like eating with his roomies.  When he had gone to do his laundry late yesterday afternoon he had found the tub of the washing machine full of water and forgotten clothes; Jonas’ and Siri’s.  They were out, presumably skateboarding somewhere. 

 

As much as Isak likes things to be tidy, there’s one household chore he truly despises and it’s laundry; such a waste of time!  So he tends to wait until he’s got no more fresh underwear before he does it.  And now he had to finish his roommates’ before he could do his own.  Saying he was pissed would be to put it mildly.  When he and Siri came back for dinner Jonas saw right away that something was wrong.  He came to knock on Isak’s door.

“ _What?!_ ”

His bro walked in and asked.

“ _What’s happened man?_ ”

“ _Do you know what I’ve been doing for the last three hours ‘Jon?_ ”

His friend shrugged.

“ _Laundry… yours and Siri’s *and then* mine!_ ”

His friend grimaced and said.

“ _She must’ve forgotten when we decided to go to Skur 13._ ”*2

Isak shook his head and said, abrupt.

“ _This isn’t working Jonas… She can’t help herself and I can’t stand it!_ ”

“ _Why are you so stressed about this?  I’ll make it up to you - say all the dishes for next week._ ”

He remembers biting on his lips.  He didn’t want to fight with his best friend so he agreed, reluctant, and said.

“ _Ok – you guys get all the dishwashing for this week and we call it even._ ”

 

But he knows this will happen again and it bothers him more than he cares to admit.  At which point his phone dings.  He smiles when he sees the text is from Eirik.

 

 **Eirik** : ‘Hey you!’

 **Isak** : ‘Hey :)’

 **Eirik** : ‘Can I call?’

 **Isak** : ‘Sure!’

 

Moments later his phone buzzes.

 

 **Eirik** : “ _Halla._ ”

 **Isak** : “ _What’s up?_ ”

 **Eirik** : “ _Do you still have class at Blindern on Thursdays?_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _Yeah.  I finish at 15:30PM_ ”

 **Eirik** : “ _Do you have plans after?_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _Nah… studying I guess._ ”

 **Eirik** : “ _How about dinner at my place?_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _Hum yah!  That’d be great!  What’s the occasion?_ ”

 **Eirik** : “ _I was thinking of introducing you to a friend of mine.   Remember the one who gave me that picture of yours, who teaches at UiO?_ ”

Isak stares at the phone, frowning.  He’d prefer to be alone with Eirik but…  That was the guy that sort of hooked them up after all so he shrugs.

 **Isak** : “ _Sure no problem._ ”

 **Eirik** : “ _If you come right after class you can cram in some studying before Andreas arrives._ ”

 **Isak** : “ _Kewl._ ”

 **Eirik** : “ _I’ll see you then.  Take care!_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _You too!_ ”

 

*****

 

**Thursday, 09-05-2019, 16:07PM**

 

 

When the door opens Isak is greeted by a smiling Eirik.  He’s barefoot as usual when he’s home, and wearing another pair of those linen drawstring trousers he favors.  These are chocolate.  With the thick oatmeal fisherman’ sweater he’s the picture of repose.  Isak comes closer and leans up, pecking the man’s right cheek.

“ _Halla._ ”

Eirik turns aside and invites him in with an open arm.  Isak goes straight for the living room and drops his haversack next to a couch while he sheds his olive canvas jacket and unwraps the blood red scarf around his neck.  Eirik’s voice echoes from the hallway leading toward the kitchen.

“ _Want some tea?_ ”

“ _Yes please._ ”

 

Froki tiptoes down from the second floor, intent on investigating the unfamiliar voice.  When he smells who slouches on his favorite couch he jumps on the arm and then comes snuggling between Isak’s legs.  The lad giggles and proceeds to slowly comb the thick pelt, eliciting a loud purr.  Several minutes pass until Eirik returns with their refreshments.  He chuckles at the scene.

“ _Looks like he’s adopted you huh?_ ”

Isak grins as he leans in to get his cup, holding it between both hands.  The man sits on his sofa, spooning some cream into his Earl Grey.

“ _So how’s the new semester?_ ”

“ _Challenging but also exciting.  I’ve started reading a bit on the specialization I want to take for my Masters._ ”

“ _Already?  That’s still like… over 2 years away no?_ ”

“ _Sure but the classes I take until then will dictate the best possible fit._ ”

Eirik sips at his cup then he ventures.

“ _That text from last evening… about ‘fucking cleaning up again’…  You didn’t sound very happy…_ ”

Isak makes a face.

“ _Yeah…  I came home at around 19:00PM after a full day in class and then in the lab, and I found the kitchen a mess… They hadn’t cleaned after dinner..._ ”

He blows through his lips.

“ _I don’t even know why I get so worked up over this…_ ”

“ _Was it like that when you lived alone with Jonas?_ ”

“ _Nah.  I mean ‘Jon’s always been pretty nonchalant but he made some efforts… but now…  Let’s just say his girlfriend is not the best of influence when it comes to that.  And I don’t want to compromise my friendship with both of them over dishes or laundry!_ ”

 

They remain silent for some time until Eirik, looking over the rim of his cup, says.

“ _Have you thought of moving out?_ ”

Isak shrugs.

“ _I can’t go back to Eskild’s… Jason lives with him now so..._ ”

“ _I have a spare room…_ ”

The words hang between them and Isak stares at the man, trying to gauge whether he’s joking or not. Then he licks his lips and asks.

“ _Are you actually serious?_ ”

Eirik simply nods and he sounds hesitant when he says.

“ _Is that such a bad idea?_ ”

They look at each other until Isak replies, cautious.

“ _How long have you lived on your own Eirik?  Won’t it bother you to share your space with someone else all of a sudden?_ ”

The man is dead serious as he shakes a negative, his cup of tea forgotten on the table between them.

“ _Not if it’s you…_ ”

 

What a strange sensation to realize that this guy, whose composure he had come to idealize, could also have doubts…  As a matter of fact it felt… reassuring to discover he wasn’t entirely dependent on his friend’s good will – that Eirik too was uncertain about things, that he too was willing to take risks...  Isak swallows a breath at the implication.  …for his sake!  So he stares straight into the man’s eyes.

“ _Do you really want me here, with you?_ ”

Eirik’s eyes lay unveiled and Isak can see the pulsing trepidation in them, just like when you’re about to take a plunge into the unknown.  The man sounds breathless when he whispers that terrifying word.

“ _Yes._ ”

 

Their mutual gazes roam over each other for a while, as if both of them are just now seeing something they hadn’t expected.  Isak disengages himself from the couch he occupies, provoking a little outraged growl from Froki.  He walks and stops close to the sofa.  Eirik looks up and takes the hint, rising.  They are soon facing each other, mere centimeters apart and Isak murmurs.

“ _I wish to invoke the terms of our Deal._ ”

“ _…In what way?_ ”

“ _Kiss me, please!_ ”

 

*****

 

# Eirik

 

**Thursday, 09-05-2019, 17:27PM**

 

 

Now it’s him who probes deep into the boy’s eyes; when he sees nothing but eagerness there he smiles and his eyes lit up like a bright morning sun on a field of ice.  Both his hands come up and cusp Isak’s face between them, caressing the planes of the lad’s beloved features; his forehead, his eyebrows, his nose, the cleft in his chin, the dimples in his cheeks… 

 

But the field of battle, the mound of glory, the lost paradise that is the boy’s mouth, Eirik explores last, with the lightest touch of his fingers, forward scouts to his upcoming assault.  Then the outer defenses are prodded with the merest brush of the man’s tongue, tracing the hills and vales of Isak’s perfect cupid.  Only when it opens, hissing softly like some breached treasure vault revealing its secrets, does he cover the entirety of the lad’s mouth with his own.

 

And now the siege begins in earnest.  The defendants on the battlements push back then recede before the assailant’s own forces; a hopeful sortie is battered down by a resolute charge; the artillery of their tongues is shooting bolts in and out of scope…  Youthful exuberance almost manages to defeat crafty experience several times – and there are moans and sighs and much eddies though it all… until there comes a point where both generals agree to a cease-fire, letting the troops take a breather, as they stare at each other across the front line; grey-blue frostfire measuring the vibrant will in those pools of deep moss.

 

Eirik is the first to breathe out and lower his gaze.  The boy is unbelievable!  He kisses Isak’s brow and then his right ear.

“ _We’re having a guest and I’ve got a meal to prepare…_ ”

The lad leans up again and whispers, suggestive.

“ _Do you need help with the meat…?_ ”

“ _No!  You’re… supposed to be studying right now!_ ”

Isak’s gentle chuckle echoes behind him while he retreats towards the kitchen.

 

*****

 

# Isak

 

 

**Thursday, 09-05-2019, 19:24PM**

 

 

When the doorbell rings Isak sits in the living room, ensconced, crossed legged, in his usual couch.  His manual on Advanced Cell Biology is resting on his lap; nothing like reading on how proteins are synthesized, modified and transported to their respective target membranes and organelles in a cell to cool down a feverish mind.  And burning he was after that kiss!  The rush of power he felt when he saw the wonder in Eirik’s eyes was… more than thrilling!

 

His host is strolling, unhurried, to open the door and when he does Isak hears him greeting their guest warmly.

“ _Hey you…_ ”

Isak doesn’t look up right away, wanting to get a sense of the other guy through his voice first.

“ _Halla handsome!  I come bearing gifts!_ ”

High pitched and… Wait, what was that handsome for… is he…? 

Now he looks up and sees a rather slim guy, a little taller than him.  He holds a ribboned box and a small bag in one hand – there’s a wine carrier hanging in the other.  Isak closes the book he was studying and stands, waiting to be introduced.  That’s when Eirik says.

“ _Andreas, this is Isak – Isak my friend Andreas._ ”

The guy turns and Isak takes in the disheveled mop of hair almost the same color as his own, the small upturned nose, the lively hazel eyes and… the scruffy jaw.  He sighs inwardly.  Why do they insist on hiding their faces like that?  Andreas lifts both his arms and says, sheepish.

“ _I’d shake your hand but we’d lose the dessert and more importantly, the booze!_ ”

Isak lets out a strangled giggle while Eirik motions their guest to give him the packages.  Once his hands are free Andreas extends one and shakes the lad’s.

“ _Pleased to meet you at last._ ”

Another grin threatens to break on Isak’s face when he replies.

“ _Oh yeah that’s true, you hunted me down for a picture earlier this year._ ”

The older guy looks at him very seriously.

“ _Didn’t Eirik tell you?  I’m his pimp._ ”

“ _What!?!_ ”

Andreas laughs out loud and claps him on the shoulder.

“ _Relax!  I was just kidding._ ”

 

At which point their host returns with three glasses hanging from one hand and two bottles of wine from the other.  He puts everything on the table and fills up a glass of red which he hands over to Andreas.  That’s when he says.

“ _Isak there’s one thing you need to know about my friend…_ ”

“ _Oh that will be good!  I’m all ears Eirik, tell us who I am!_ ”

The man ignores the flippant interruption and continues.

“ _…he thrives on drama so the secret is to take whatever he says with a grain of salt…_ ”

Isak glances at Andreas and almost laughs again at the mock sadness on the guy’s face.

“ _Oh Lord you wound me!  You blow my cover even before I get a chance to seduce this cutie!_ ”

Erik is chuckling as he pours for himself.  He looks up at Isak and remarks.

“ _See what I mean?_ ”  Then he fills the third flute and offers it to his young guest.

“ _Do you want to try?_ ”

Isak nods and grabs the drink, taking a small sip.  Nice.  It’s like biting into a perfectly ripe piece of fruit, such as a crisp, juicy apple.  He takes another, deeper sip.

 

All three of them are still standing when Andreas raises his glass and offers a toast.

“ _To my friend - our host - a handsome, witty and caring man who’s a cook and lover extraordinaire!_ ”

Isak sees Eirik’s lips compress in a thin line as he shoots an aggravated look at the other man.  The lad clears his throat and ventures, looking at Andreas.

“ _So… you’re gay too then?_ ”

There’s a vexed sigh and a quick gulp of red wine before the guy retorts.

“ _I prefer to say I like guys rather than put on that mask._ ”

“ _What do you mean?_ ”

Isak watches the private smile that creeps on their guest’s face.  His voice, when he speaks again, must be the one he uses when he’s in class with his own students; assertive yet considerate.

 

“ _Think about it… whenever you meet someone and you introduce yourself by saying ‘I’m Isak’ – then by specifying ‘I’m gay’ – what you’re truly doing is signaling to that person that you wish to be judged only through that particular lense; that your sexual orientation defines you.  But you’re much more than just that, aren’t you?  You like this kind of food and that kind of music; these are the books you read and the movies you watch…  Perhaps you enjoy sports or writing or painting; there are smells you love and others you hate; people you get along with and people you can’t stand.  Sucking on cocks in just one of the things you happen to like…  So why then should you encourage others to see only that side of you rather than all of what you are?_ ”

 

Isak’s grin widens.  He’s never thought about this before in such terms yet the guy expressed exactly how he felt about ‘the gay thing’.  He thinks of Eskild and wonders what his guru would make of that.  Eirik had remained quiet so far, listening in, indulgent; no doubt it wasn’t the first time he heard this little monologue.  And now he drains his glass and says.

“ _Come on guys, dinner’s ready._ ”

 

*****

 

**Thursday, 09-05-2019, 19:57PM**

 

 

Eirik had made what he called a light dinner.  There was a Quiche Lorraine, an Endive salad with grilled and honeyed walnuts, along with a plate of sliced cantaloupe and honeydew to refresh the palate.  Isak relished everything but he also noticed Andreas was picking in his plate, more like a token gesture than with real appetite.  And yet their host didn’t seem bothered.  Andreas is telling them he used to be a choirboy when he was in high school.  So Isak asks, curious.

“ _Which school did you go to?_ ”

“ _I’m a purebred pupil of Katta._ ”*3

“ _Seriously?_ ” 

The man nods and Isak shakes his head, duly impressed.  Katta was the oldest and most prestigious high school in the capital, dating back to 1153AD; King Harald studied there in his youth!

“ _How long were you in the choir?_ ”

“ _From age seven to fourteen._ _”_

_“_ _What range are you?_ _”_

_“_ _High tenor._ _”_

_“And you couldn’t stay in beyond fourteen?”_

“ _My voice broke…  But it’s standard procedure.  The Lord demands only the purest voices to sing his praises…_ ” 

Isak hears the heavy sarcasm and then he notices a reflexive chuckle lifting the guy’s lips; at which point Andreas adds.

“ _I loved my time in the choir; there I learned to sing and suck on dicks…_ ”

 

Isak stares at him, unsure if he should laugh or pretend he didn’t hear.  Eirik’s voice sounds dismayed when he exclaims.

“ _You never told me that!_ ”

Andreas looks genuinely surprised.

“ _Didn’t I?  I was sure I’d told you that story…_ ”  He shrugs and goes on.  “ _The Voice Tutor… Johan I think he was called… kept insisting I needed more practice so he had me stay after class.  I knew something was on, just by the way he looked at me, the way he squeezed my shoulders…  I don’t quite remember his face now but I recall finding him attractive at the time…  Anyway… one day, in the backroom of the music class, he just unzipped his trousers’ fly and took the package out, dangling it in his hand…_ ”

There’s a secret smile on the guy’s lips as he’s looking back.

“ _I couldn’t stop staring or moving toward it, until I had it in my hand and by then it was already hard…_ ” another gulp of wine “ _Long story short, Johan instructed me on how to use my mouth for more than singing all through that spring.  That is until the Choir Master found us out…  The scandal was kept at a minimum but Johan was fired and I was expelled from the Choir, under the plausible pretext that I was no longer within vocal range._ ”

He pours himself another glass and reflects.

“ _My father was furious… but he didn’t lay hands on me.  He just… became more of what he already was: cold and distant.  The only thing he said was: ‘We will never speak of this again!’…  To this day I believe he still lives in that fantasy where I’m a bachelor waiting for the right girl…_ ”

 

There’s an awkward silence while Eirik rises and gathers the abandoned plates.  Isak looks down at the table and eventually he simply asks.

“ _But…wasn’t that pedophilia?_ ”

Andreas looks at him as if he’d spoken without thinking.

“ _Isak… pedophilia is a psychiatric disorder where an adult or an older teenager is sexually attracted to prepubescent children.  I was fourteen, not four; I’d gone through puberty already.  I had no experience true, but I very much knew what I wanted, even then… and it so happened that this guy gave it to me._ ”

Eirik deposits the dessert plates in front of everyone, along with a cup of coffee for each.  His voice is cold when he remarks.

“ _The guy abused his authority over you._ ”

“ _No Eirik he did not!  He didn’t force me – he offered – and I chose to take him up on that offer.  There is no doubt in my mind that if I’d declined he wouldn’t have insisted.  He simply wasn’t that kind of guy._ ”

Eirik was about to protest but Andreas stopped him with a raised hand.

“ _I’m well aware that abuse exists and that rules are needed to try and prevent such abuses.  Here in Norway the age of consent is set to sixteen; in Sweden it’s fifteen; in Germany, Austria, Hungary or Italy it’s fourteen…  The point is that such regulations are completely arbitrary.  And they are so because nobody can pinpoint the exact moment when a person becomes sexually aware and ready for intercourse._ ”

He snorts, pouring himself yet another glassful.

“ _There are as many levels of sexual maturity as there are individuals.  So in the end it’s all guesswork and should be approached on a case by case basis.  In my case, I was precocious and wanted it at that moment._ ”  He raises his glass in salute and concludes.  “ _Carpe diem!_ ”

 

Isak stares at the guy, torn between consternation and something like admiration as he nibbles at his cake.  Andreas was simultaneously so Cartesian and so unabashedly provocative!  He glances at Eirik who’s considering his friend with a more somber expression.  And suddenly it occurs to him that these two must have a past together.  Why else would the younger man be so familiar with Eirik while also calling him ‘handsome’?  He licks his lips and sips at the now tepid Riesling.

“ _So… when did you guys meet?_ ”

Andreas giggles, as if he’d been expecting the question all along.  It is Eirik who answers.

“ _Almost ten years ago… an evening at the London Pub._ ”

Isak looks at them in turn and sees they’re both lost in memory so he probes further.

“ _How long were you two together?_ ”

Andreas smiles at him and says.

“ _Now I can see why he likes you so much…  Not only are you super cute but you’re smart as well._ ”

A sudden blush colors Isak’s cheekbones.  He glances at Eirik who’s already staring at him, tentative.  Their guest chuckles again and adds.

“ _Don’t worry Isak, this thing lasted only a few months at the beginning; we’ve only been friends since then…_ ”

 

 

Isak catches the look that passes between both men and he just knows there had been more.  Oh well, perhaps they ‘comforted’ each other at times over the years…  Who was he to judge?  What he’d seen in Eirik’s eyes earlier was sufficient to convince him there were no divided loyalties at play here and now.  So he relaxes and grabs his cup of coffee, inhaling the aroma before sampling it.  A question pops into his mind and he licks at a smile before he asks.

“ _There’s something I’m wondering about though… who seduced whom back then?_ ”

Andreas starts laughing out loud, raking his hair with both hands until he finally says, looking squarely at Eirik.

“ _I’m really beginning to like this lad!_ ”

The older man shakes his head, trying hard to hide his own growing smile.  Eventually he subsides and looks at Isak.

“ _He did…  On our first ‘official’ date he recited, in Latin, Catullus’ fifth and most beloved poem…_ ”

The lad glances back at a beaming Andreas who breathes deep and starts intoning, in English.

 

“ _ **Give me a thousand kisses and a hundred more**_

_**again one thousand and one hundred add** _

_**forever add one thousand and one hundred more** _

_**and when we get to a many thousand count** _

_**we shall confound the number, forget the score,** _

_**so that envy cannot damage cause** _

_**should come to know how many times we kissed.**_ ”*4

 

Andreas laughs again, pleased with himself.  Then he wiggles his eyebrows at Isak and says.

“ _How do you impress a guy who studied Linguistics at Oxford and speaks five languages?  By declaiming poetry in a language he doesn’t understand!  Oh and by the way this sounds much better in Latin!_ ”

Eirik makes a face and retorts.

“ _I did learn it Andreas…  It’s just that there are no technical blueprints worth translating from Latin to Norwegian!_ ”

“ _What about gaining knowledge for the simple pleasure of it?_ ”

 

 

Their host rolls his eyes at this point and Isak has to smile at the way these two banter together.  Then he thinks of something else.

“ _Do you still sing?_ ”

Andreas tilts his head and lets out a breath.

“ _Not in public I’m afraid._ ”

“ _What kind of music do you like?_ ”

The guy purses his lips and retorts.

“ _What about you?_ ”

“ _90’s Hip-Hop mostly… though… I’ve learned to appreciate Depeche Mode…_ ”

Andreas laughs again, eyes gleaming.

“ _Yeah, I think Eirik tried to teach us both to enjoy his own obsession…_ ”

Eirik makes a face; both Isak and Andreas chuckle at this.  Yet the lad turns to Andreas and persists.

“ _Why don’t you sing us something?  I’d like to hear your voice!_ ”

“ _Ah fuck…_ ”

“ _You did sing for me once…_ ”  Eirik mentions.

Andreas rolls his eyes until eventually he says.

“ _Do either of you know Sam Smith?_ ”

The blank looks in their faces is his answer so he shakes his head in disgust.

“ _Alright, get both your drinks and your asses in the living room…_ ”

 

*****

 

# Andreas

 

 

**Thursday, 09-05-2019, 21:43PM**

               

 

Eirik and Isak sit side by side on the sofa, shoulders touching.  He stands behind the couch facing them, with both arms gripping its ridges.  Then he closes his eyes.  After a few moments he says.

“ _Normally you’d hear the intro, mostly piano or sometimes guitar, but since there’s none of that here it’ll be Acapella…_ ”

He pauses then he breathes deep and begins to sing, in English.

 

“ __ **Guess it's true, I'm not good at a one-night stand**  
But I still need love 'cause I'm just a man  
These nights never seem to go to plan  
I don't want you to leave, can you hold my hand?

__

__**Oh, won't you stay with me?**  
'Cause you're all I need  
This ain't love it's clear to see  
But darling, stay with me...

__

_**Why am I so emotional?** _

_**No it's not a good look, gain some self control  
And deep down I know this never works…** _ _”_

 

He gasps, unable to go on…  He’s so chocked he can’t even breathe.  Why the fuck did he chose that particular song?!?  When he can see clearly again he notices the lad has tears streaming down his cheeks while Eirik’s eyes are aflame and his jaw is set, like he’s only now realizing the depths of Andreas’ solitude.  So he forces a grin and jeers.

“ _See guys?!  This is what happens when there’s too much wine involved!  Everybody gets maudlin!  And we can’t have that!_ ”

He drains his glass and makes ready.

“ _I think it’s time I went home…_ ”

Suddenly Eirik stands in front of him, holding him by the shoulders, eyes pleading.  And Andreas caresses the older man’s jaw, whispering.

“ _You need him more!_ ”

 

*****

 

# Isak

 

**Thursday, 09-05-2019, 23:19PM**

 

 

He helps Eirik clean the remnants of dinner, both in the living room and in the kitchen.  They haven’t spoken since their guest left, as if they both knew it was better to let their emotions settle down before saying anything.  Andreas’ voice, the pain in it, the fact that those words were so plainly intended for Eirik…  That’s why he was so moved.  Why was everything so fucking complicated when it came to love?

 

Eirik squeezes his shoulders and quietly says.

“ _Do you want me to drive you home?_ ”

“ _No… I want to stay the night…_ ”

Isak looks up directly into the man’s eyes.  There is anguish and longing in equal measure there.

“ _I think we both could use some company tonight._ ”

 

 

They lay naked in Eirik’s wide bed.  A hint of mint and meadows comes off the sheets.  The city lights lap at the blinds in the window, daubing the whole room in a somber beryl gloss.  There were no questions they would sleep together when they went upstairs.  They undressed in silence and looked at each other for a few moments before Eirik hugged him close.  This wasn’t a prelude for sex.  Neither of them was in that sort of mood.  But they both needed to touch and be touched; and it only felt natural to do so unclothed.

 

Isak caresses the man’s hairy chest and there is no flashback this time.  He can feel Eirik’s large hand rubbing wide circles on his back.  His friend clears his throat and says.

“ _I can’t give him what he wants…_ ”

Isak raises himself on one elbow and sees the misery glittering in those wide ice blue eyes.

“ _It’s a pitiful excuse but… I never meant to hurt him…_ ”

Isak licks his lips and guesses.

“ _I think he knows that… he wouldn’t have remained your friend otherwise…_ ”

Eirik gazes down at him, staring intently for a long while.  He bites the corner of his upper lips as if about to make a decision.  Finally he swallows and says, very softly.

“ _I need you in my life..._ ”

Isak breathes in the lump in his throat.  He details the man’s every features and something happens to him then.  It’s like a quiet tremor slowly coursing through his body.  He shivers when he realizes that for the first time in a very long while he wants something that isn’t related to Even, either directly or indirectly.  And suddenly he’s amazed to have the answer to Bodil’s question.  Eirik needs him and Isak wants to be there for him!  He wiggles closer and brushes the man’s lips with his own before whispering. 

“ _That offer for a room… does it still stand?_ ”

 

**********

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1- http://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/660/media/images/77332000/jpg/_77332104_177.jpg  
> 2- https://www.facebook.com/skurtretten/  
> 3- http://www.wikiwand.com/en/Oslo_Cathedral_School  
> 4- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1KPmGVUStbs&t=336s
> 
> Regarding Note 4 - please be aware this is more than just a recitation - the author analyses the poem's construction afterwards and I personally found it very interesting.


	16. All of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moving closer to home...
> 
> __________
> 
> The track for this chapter is "All of Me" by John Legend, covered here by Leroy Sanchez.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Im6_k-UMJeo

# Isak

 

**Friday, 09-27-2019, 14:01PM**

 

 

Isak settles in the now familiar chair while Bodil observes him with a benign smile.  She remarks.

“ _You look well!_ ”

And he feels well.  He’s off the Zoloft completely, the semester is gearing up to his liking, and since he moved out of Jonas’ almost two weeks ago that particular source of stress has been removed.  Of course now that he occupies Eirik’s guest room he has to deal with a wholly different type of tension… but it’s not at all unpleasant.  He offers a wide smile.

“ _I’ve moved in with Eirik…_ ”

Her features become fixed as she gazes at him.

Of course she already knew about the uneasiness that grew with Jonas and his girlfriend ever since she joined them at their flat.  Bodil had also questioned his motivations towards Eirik.  And now he has an answer so he tells her.

“ _Eirik said he needs me in his life… and not only do I believe him but I want to be there for him…_ ”

She cocks her head and asks.

“ _Why do you think he needs you?_ ”

 

Isak considers this for a while, ordering his intuitions into a coherent picture.  He compresses his lips before letting out a breath.

“ _He’s an orphan; his father died when he was thirteen and his mother passed away almost ten years ago.  Then there’s Andy, his first true lover, who died as well like I told you.  There’s also another guy, a friend of his which I’ve met earlier this month… they’re quite close but Eirik wants more than just friendship or even the occasional distraction in bed…_ ”

He remembers that loaded look those two had shared.

“ _…I know for a fact he finds me physically attractive… but more importantly, I mentioned that to you before, he sees himself in me…  And I think it’s because we’ve both known a great love and we both lost it…  Does any of that make sense?_ ”

She smiles and nods.

“ _The need to belong is crucial to our well-being.  It is what drives us to seek out stable, long lasting relationships with other people, as if we were part of something greater and more important than ourselves.  It’s a deep seated desire for meaningful, profound bonding…  Something very much like you and Even had with ‘Evak’…_ ”

 

He stares at her, understanding the deeper signification of what she just said.  Beyond Isak and Even, ‘Evak’ was its own tangible thing, the sum of everything they had been and shared together.  Similarly ‘Andrik’ existed separately from Eirik and Andy…  And now there is the hint of something comparable between him and his new roommate…  It didn’t start when he slept with Eirik, or while they were in Copenhagen…  Suddenly he smiles at the revelation and looks up to his therapist.

“ _The connection I feel with Eirik began on my birthday… when I shared all my pain with him and he accepted it…  He did so because he recognized it!_ ”

Bodil’s own smile widens and she approves.

“ _Indeed…  Commonalities based on similar experiences, circumstances or emotions are often an equalizer that level the playing field, balancing the differences out; in this case the age and social gaps.  They can also be the foundation of a new bond, whether it’s loyalty, friendship or love…_ ”

Isak licks his lips before he adds.

“ _He’s alone and in a way I’m just as lonely…  He cares for me and I want to care for him too!_ ”

“ _That’s why you moved in with him._ ” 

That wasn’t a question and he can’t help but nod.  Then she throws him a curved ball.

“ _Are you in love Isak?_ ”

 

He swallows before he breathes out, frowning.  What is love?  Once he was deeply in love with Even and look where that got him…  He reflects that perhaps people should be more anxious to experience things rather than name them!  So he replies.

“ _The only truth I know is… being with Eirik makes me feel good and safe; he talks to me like I’m his equal, he looks at me as if I’m the most beautiful guy he’s ever seen, and when he touches me all I want is for him to touch me more!_ ”

She looks at him keenly for a moment and asks.

“ _What is like that when you were with Even?_ ”

He almost resents her for asking.  Yet the question was a fair one so he forces himself to look in the past, examining a long string of memories, all the way back to that first time when he saw Even slowly crossing Nissen’s courtyard.

“ _The broad strokes are similar yes… but there’s one fundamental difference…_ ”

“ _And what’s that?_ ”

“ _I’m no longer that boy who fell for Even…_ ”

He looks at her pointedly.

“ _When I met him I wouldn’t even acknowledge I was attracted to guys, I was terrified of losing my friends if they suspected.  I’d never experienced a real relationship or had sex with another dude…  And of course I hadn’t been raped and then dumped by my boyfriend._ ”

She nods in understanding.

“ _Have you had sex with Eirik yet?_ ”

He shakes a negative.  It wasn’t for lack of wanting but…  She senses his hesitation and prompts.

“ _Why not?_ ”

He snorts, stifling a smile.

“ _We’ve made out a few times and every time it’s really hot but… I’m kind of afraid to start something that might end up being ruined with a flashback…_ ”

He makes a face, visibly frustrated.

“ _In fact as soon as Eirik senses the least hesitation on my part he stops and… and that’s really annoying if you want to know!_ ”

She takes a few notes and raises one eyebrow.

“ _Why is that?_ ”

“ _Because he’s older and he should be leading me, gently yes but firmly!_ ”

“ _Did you actually discuss this with him?_ ”

 “ _Come on Bodil!  What is there to clarify when we’re kissing and I’m rock hard, rubbing against him like a dog in heat??_ ”

“ _Has it occurred to you that maybe he too is afraid of triggering you; because you might end up pushing him away – or even reject him?_ ”

 

He becomes very still and tilts his head, suddenly uncertain.  Then he breathes out a slow breath.  No, that hadn’t even entered his mind.  When he looks up again his therapist is solemn.

“ _You’ve come a long away Isak, since that first time we met in February…_ ”

She smiles and goes on.

“ _You’re much more confident in yourself... and very lucid about it!_ ”

He frowns, wondering where she was going, but keeps quiet.

“ _So this will be my last assignment to you…_ ”

“ _What do you mean?_ ”

“ _I mean you don’t really need my help anymore…  You’re capable of standing on your own two emotional feet so to speak.  I believe you can now ask yourself the hard questions, and you’re strong enough to answer them alone..._ ” 

She pauses to let this sink in before she continues.

“ _Our last session will be in October, two weeks from now…  Think of it as… a form of graduation.  Until then I want you to have that talk with Eirik… because a healthy sex life is essential to an enduring romantic relationship…  So when next we meet I expect a full report!_ ”

 

*****

 

**Saturday, 10-05-2019, 15:47PM**

 

 

They’re strolling northward on Geitmyrsveien in the St Hanshaugen district.  The air is crisp and the sun has already begun its slow westward descent.  Earlier today, after brunch, Eirik cajoled him into this walk and Isak suspects there was a purpose to it.  After reaching a point passed the intersection with Banksjef Frølichs Street, his friend stops on the sidewalk.  They are facing a large white stuccoed townhouse hedged with trimmed boxwood.  The number on the wrought iron gate reads sixty-three.  There are tall arched windows piercing the patio and a balcony overlooking the street on the second floor.*1

“ _This is where I grew up._ ”  Eirik says.

Isak glances his way.  The cold has reddened the man’s ears and nose above the woolen grey scarf.  Eirik goes on and there’s a wistful tone to his voice.

“ _Hidden behind the hedge there’s a terraced stone garden with a secluded gazebo.  I used to play hide and seek with mom there..._ ”

“ _Why did you end up selling it?_ ”

“ _The house was too large for me alone after she died…_ ”  Eirik looks back at him.  “ _Besides, everything in it bore her mark… it was too steeped in memories…_ ”

 

He offers a gloved hand and Isak clasps it in his own.  The days when he wouldn’t be seen kissing in public seemed so far away…  They amble along until they reach the intersection with Armauer Hansens Avenue, at which point they veer east on General Birchs Street.  Their goal is l’Ardoise*2, a cozy little French restaurant on Thereses Street, not far from the Stensparken.  Some people walking by stare at them but Eirik just waves a smile and Isak chuckles as they hurry along in a huff. 

 

He inhales deeply the chilly breeze.  Winter is coming, the reference spurs a grin, and it always makes him elated.  He adores the cold season.  He looks up at him when he senses Eirik’s insistent gaze.  There’s wonder in the man’s eyes yet his expression is grave.  He remarks.

“ _You rarely speak of your parents…_ ”

Isak sighs as he thinks of Terje and Marianne.  They’ve never been really close after he left home to live at Eskild’s.  Sometimes he misses his younger sister, who, at fifteen, isn’t so little anymore.  In fact the last time he saw his family was at Easter, almost six months ago.  He shrugs.

“ _Dad transfers me my monthly allowance and we speak every once in a while…_ ”

“ _And your mother?_ ”

“ _I told you she isn’t well…  She was diagnosed with OCD* 3 when I was fourteen.  She’s always anxious about something or other and she’s become excessively religious…_”  He grimaces.  “ _There’s not a week that goes by when I don’t get a text with quotes from the Bible…_ ”

“ _It’s her way of reaching out…_ ”

“ _Eirik, why are we having this discussion?_ ”

“ _I’d like to meet your family._ ”

“ _What?  Why?_ ”

“ _To get to know you better and…_ ”  Eirik hesitates for a moment but decides to forge ahead. “ _…because I don’t think it’s healthy to keep avoiding them like you do._ ”

Isak stops walking and releases his friend’s hand.  He actually glares at the older man.

“ _Are you serious?  Aren’t you being a little presumptuous?  I’m not avoiding them I’m just… too busy._ ”

Eirik blinks at the lad’s sudden fierceness.

“ _Hey… I didn’t mean to upset you… I’m sorry…_ ”

Isak bites his lips and sighs again.

“ _No…  I… it’s me who’s sorry…_ ” 

He claps the man’s hand once more and they resume their stroll.  They remain lost in thoughts for a while until Isak speaks again.

“ _Perhaps you’re right.  It’s just… I don’t want to answer their questions… about Even, about you…  Dad doesn’t have a problem with me liking guys, or so he claims, but I think he definitely would have issues with you being almost of an age with him…_ ”

This is met with a long reflexive silence.  Eventually his companion says.

“ _Is that what we are you and I, together?_ ”

There was a strong undercurrent of emotions in Eirik’s voice.  Isak peeks up, almost shy.

“ _I’d like that…_ ”

 

Now it’s his roommate who stops them.  His eyes are glowing and Isak notices the little mist escaping his parted lips.  They’ve reached the crossroad between Ullevålsveien, Sognsveien and Thereses Street.  Eirik takes off his gloves and clasps Isak’s face with both hands, sealing the boy’s mouth with his own in one avid kiss, right there, not a minute away from the Adamstuen tramway station.  Isak hears a woman calling.

“ _Get a room you two!_ ”

He feels like laughing but he’s too breathless from his (boy) friend’s tongue dueling with his own.  And just as abruptly Eirik stops.  Then his mouth moves up to the round tip of the lad’s left ear, the one that barely escapes his blue beanie.  He sucks on it and whispers.

“ _We should forget the restaurant and go home…_ ”

Isak’s tongue wets a private smile; he’s thoroughly turned on by the naked hunger vibrating on the man’s breath.  At fucking long last this is happening!

 

*****

 

# Eirik

 

 

**Saturday, 10-05-2019, 18:19PM**

 

 

As soon as they reached the apartment they began shedding layers, more and more the further up they went, until all they have left on, when they make it to the upstairs bathroom, are their boxers.  And all the while they were hanging on each other’s mouths like paupers on the handouts of passing bourgeois. 

 

Until this very moment, whenever they were intimate, he's always been very careful never to cross the red line.  Whatever was to happen needed to come from Isak himself.  In fact Eirik had often rehearsed in his head how this, their first time, would play out.  And of course his careful plans of languid foreplay went straight out the window when the real thing started.  He could only marvel at how lusty and grasping the boy was!  Had he been like that at twenty?  A flash memory of Andy and him, collapsing head over heel on his dormitory bed at Oxford, is his answer.  Perhaps this was another instance where the young instinctively know how to seek healing…

 

The lad makes for the shower first, after the last remnants of their privacy drop on the floor.  The water tap is turned on and Eirik is rooted in place, suddenly filled with awe.  Where femininity is declined in three states – Maiden, Mother and Crone – so is manhood with the Youth, the Warrior and the Sage.  And there leans Isak, arms crossed above his head against the ceramic wall, glistening under a haze of warm droplets, legs parted, his whole posture expectant to be washed and touched… the very avatar of Youth.

 

Eirik joins him and presses his whole body against Isak’s.  He puts both hands on the lad’s hips while his lips roam freely on his neck, lapping at the rapid pulse in the jugular.  He rasps.

“ _God you’re hot!_ ”

Isak’s answer is to writhe idly, rubbing his bum against Eirik’s hardening cock.  Not so fast pretty puppy!  The man releases the pressure and bends to grab the blue bottle of Jack Black body wash.  He pours generously in his hands and begins rubbing the back of his roommate, widening his strokes to encompass the arms.  He licks the boy’s armpits and Isak bites a hum.  The lather is rich enough that he goes all the way down to the legs before he needs to get more.

 

When Eirik begins massaging the lads’ bottom Isak immediately arches his back so that his very fine ass bulges out even more.  Eirik can’t wait to explore it with his tongue but for now he simply soap the ravine between the butt cheeks, slowly stroking around the anus and then the ring itself.  The lad exhales.

“ _Yes…_ ”

Eirik smiles to himself.  So he is a true catcher then… good.  Anal sex is an art form, one which requires…he gently pushes his middle finger inside…tact.

“ _Oh fuck yea..._ ”  Isak breathes.

 

It was time to finish him off so he deliberately unearths his finger and moves his hand to grab the lad’s genitals.  He molds those hanging balls with soapy froth and is rewarded with a low moan.  It appears this is another sensitive spot.  Then he grabs the erect shaft and firmly ramp up the pressure, up and down, twirling around the head.  Now Isak is panting and his head rests on the older man’s shoulders.  His eyes are almost closed and those gorgeous lips slightly parted.  Eirik moves faster while he licks and nibbles at the boy’s ears.  Suddenly there’s a strangle groan.

“ _I’m gonna cum!_ ”

Isak gasps again and explodes, smearing the ceramic facing him with several gobs of runny semen.  The boy shudders against him and Eirik seeks out his mouth, kissing him deeply for a while.  When he releases him Isak wiggles to turn and face him.  He blinks the constant drizzle away and licks his lips.  Then, in English, he says.

“ _Your turn now Big Daddy…_ ”

He kneels down, legs open, and looks up, expectant.  Then he commands.

“ _Cum on my face._ ”

Is there anything sexier than a lad who plays at being submissive yet issues you orders?  One hand goes straight for the boy’s damp curls, finding support in the act of clutching, while the other polishes his throbbing pole.  He’s completely fixated on that generous cupid and the tongue that brushes over it like an anxious writer fussing over a verse.  He lets go of Isak’s head and beats his meat repeatedly in his open palm before he resumes the stirring marathon.  Up and down he strides drawing strength in the very motion of it. 

 

Anyone who has lived through an earthquake always remember afterwards the cresting feeling that surges deep beneath you, shaking your very core, even before the first tremor is perceived.  This is what the eruption of an ejaculation feels like for guys.  You know it comes even before the magma begins to rise in the chimney.  And so now he bends over a little and grinds through his teeth.

“ _Here we go!_ ”

He guides the surge with an open hand, spraying it on Isak’s face like a painter who splashes colors on a virgin canvas.  And the boy’s blind smile widens, a faithful rewarded; a sinner whose sins have just been remised…  What was that line by Shakespeare?

 

_“Sin from thy lips?  O trespass sweetly urged!  
Give me my sin again.”_

 

Isak splays Eirik’s votive all across his features, like a war-paint.  He fishes a clump of it on two fingers and sucks on them while gazing intently in the man’s eyes.  Holy mother of Christ!  What is this lad doing to him!??  He grabs the younger man by the shoulders and raises him to his level then he leans in to taste himself.  He’s totally drunk on that boy!  He wants to clean every centimeters of him with his tongue, he wants to grope and grasp and groan through him, he wants to fuck his brains out!

‘Get a grip Eirik!  Gentle, be gentle and let him lead.’

So he releases those soft pulpy magnets and breathes out, cutting the water off.

“ _Let’s take a break…_ ”

 

*****

 

# Isak

 

 

**Saturday, 10-05-2019, 23:41PM**

 

Isak lays on his stomach above the covers, eyes closed.  His forehead rests against one of Eirik’s hairy legs.  He smiles drowsily as the man begins, once again, to trace with a thick hand the long circuit going from his hair all the way down to his butt.  He hasn’t stopped caressing him ever since they came back from the shower the second time, after the sex…  He feels himself flushing just thinking back on it.  God that had been hot! 

 

Before initiating anything Eirik asked him if he was ok with it, and once the consent was given he would proceed with an intensity Isak had never experienced, save that night at the hotel with Even…  But his ex had been high on his up-cycle.  This on the other hand was deliberate; years of experience distilled in carefully chosen motions.  Yet there was more to it than just skill.  Everything Eirik did to him was heartfelt – he saw it in the man’s dilated pupils: the almost… religious fervor to please him.  And after coming inside him the second time he kissed him and murmured.

“ _Morgenstjernen!_ ”*4   

 

He hadn’t said ‘I love you’ but that one word, spoken in that tone, meant exactly that.  Isak didn’t know what to reply because he wasn’t sure himself how to condense all the emotions he’s come to associate with Eirik into a single concept.  There is deep affection and a great deal of admiration; he loves the man’s attitude of facing life with open eyes and curiosity.  There is also trust…  Yes, not a shred of doubt in his mind that this guy, his… boyfriend, would stand by him through anything.  And after tonight a great deal of passion has been added to the mix.  God how Eirik had lingered on his ass… attending to it with such appetite Isak was practically frenzied to ride him afterwards…

 

And yet, despite all this there was still something holding him off from truly reciprocating.  And that thing has a name… Even.  His ex has a long shadow made of things unsaid and unanswered questions.  All of a sudden it comes to him he has absolutely no clue on how he would react now if Even reappeared in his life…  This makes him think of Bodil and he remembers the ‘assignment’.  He emits a quiet chuckle and the hand on his back stops.  Eirik’s voice is teasing when he asks.

“ _What's going on in that beautiful mind hmm?_ ”

Isak smiles against the man’ skin; amused by the mild mockery.

“ _My therapist… She gave me an assignment before we’re to meet for the last time next Friday…_ ”

“ _Last time?_ ”

“ _Yeah… she says I no longer need her on a regular basis…_ ”

“ _That’s good… right?  So… what was that ‘assignment’?_ ”  Eirik asks, curious.

Isak giggles.

“ _That I should talk to you about having sex because you know, a healthy sex life is essential to a relationship…_ ”

Eirik starts laughing and tousles the lad’s mated curls before he remarks.

“ _Well… we did ‘talk’ a lot tonight…_ ”  He is quiet for a time and then.  “ _What brought this on though?_ ”

“ _I told her I was annoyed at you for not taking the lead and… speeding things up…_ ”

Eirik’s hand squeezes his shoulder before it fans open on Isak’s back.  That’s when he says.

“ _I will not force you to do anything.  I’ll suggest yes but it’s you who’ll decide, always.  I will stay with you for as long as you wish me to… and if there ever comes a time when you want to be free then tell me and I will go.  This I promise you._ ”

Isak’s breath catches in his throat.  He swallows hard and kisses his man’s leg.  When he can speak again he whispers.

“ _I promise to be truthful.  I will not lie to you Eirik, ever!_ ”

 

*****

 

**Friday, 10-11-2019, 14:02PM**

 

 

Isak puts the wrapped up present on Bodil’s desk, grinning at her puzzled expression as he sits.  She looks at him and frowns.

“ _I usually don’t accept gifts from my patients._ ”

“ _Come now, this is a going away present.  It won’t spoil the therapeutic relationship since ours is at an end anyway._ ”

She shakes her head and fails to hide a smile.  Then she carefully unwrap the silvery paper and stares at the leather-bound notebook that is revealed.  Isak comments dryly.

“ _See… the pages are blank so there’s no hidden meaning behind the gesture!_ ”

That has her grinning openly.  Then she becomes serious once more and asks.

“ _So… how did that discussion go with Eirik?_ ”

He bites another smile and replies.

“ _Well… it lasted a few hours… it was noisy and very sweaty…_ ”

Once again her amusement shows but eventually her professional mask falls back into place.

“ _Indeed?_ ”

He nods.

“ _Yeah… we’re sort of an item now…_ ”

She cocks her head in that way she has when inviting further confidences.

“ _We’ve… pledged ourselves to each other in a way…_ ”  He smiles again, remembering.  “ _…he will follow where I go and I promised to never lie..._ ”

“ _Follow you?_ ”

“ _Not like a puppy… He said he would let me decide where our relationship goes from here on…  He also made it clear that he would withdraw if I ever wanted to be free…_ ”

She looks pensive for a moment until she notes.

“ _So in other words he’s leaving you a way out should Even return at some point…_ ”

 

Isak stares at her.  Why does she always have to bring back his ex into the picture?  Then he grimaces as he recalls his own thoughts on the matter.  He licks his lips and her voice, when she speaks again, is sympathetic.

“ _There will come a time when you have to make a choice between them…  You do realize that don’t you?_ ”

 

*****

 

# Eirik

 

**Thursday, 11-07-2019, 12:36PM**

 

 

And once again they sit face to face, contemplating Frederikke’s ‘haute cuisine’…  Andreas digs halfheartedly in the jumble of raviolis in his plate.  He munches on one and purses his lips in disdain.

“ _Urgh… overcooked!_ ”

Eirik grins at the grumpy tone.  A food critique is not something he normally expects from his friend. 

“ _It’s good to see you again._ ”

The younger man focuses on him as he swallows his food.  He rinses it with water and pretends to be offended.

“ _Well it’s your own fault, you’ve been so busy being in love you forgot about me!_ ”

Eirik frowns and Andreas slaps his shoulder.

“ _Stop worrying man!  I’ll take care of my feelings, you don’t have to!  It’s a good thing I actually like Isak because otherwise I’d be really pissed at you right now!_ ”

He forks another mouthful of pasta and makes a show of enjoying it.  Eirik chortles as he shakes his head.  His own meal, a plate of Shish Taouk, is half decent.  Eventually Andreas asks.

“ _Well… he lives with you now…  Are you together at last?_ ”

Eirik smiles a nod.  So his friend fishes for more.

“ _And is he everything you expected?_ ”

The older man bites on a half smile and shrugs, bashful.

“ _And then some…_ ”

“ _Yet somehow I sense there’s a ‘but’ hidden in there somewhere…_ ”

Eirik sips at his water bottle.  Not much ever escape Andreas, at least when it comes to reading him.  He sighs and says.

“ _He’s holding back…  Don’t get me wrong he’s very much into what we have but… his ex remains at the back of his mind…_ ”

“ _Of course he does, these two have unfinished business after all… and so long as they don’t work it out they’ll both remain tied to each other._ ”

 

*****

 

# Isak

 

 

**Friday, 11-15-2019, 19:41PM**

 

 

As soon as he unlocks the front door he can hear the loud laughter coming from the kitchen.  It looks like the boys are here already.  He’s been delayed at work, a fuckup when came the time to balance the cash register.  He started at Ark Egertorget*5 on Slotts Street almost two months ago.  Even though this was a part-time job he’s been averaging a little over ten thousand Kr*6 a month so far, for anywhere between twenty to twenty-five hours a week.  He wasn’t swimming in money by any stretch but at least he didn’t have to depend on his boyfriend for his personal expenses; and he managed not to touch his father’s allowance either.  When he moved in with Eirik the man had refused Isak’s offer to pay the same rent he used to pay when he was with Jonas.  Instead Eirik suggested the lad opens a savings account and starts piling up all that money; arguing that he might need it later on after Uni.

 

He drops his haversack in the living room, along with his coat, scarf and gloves.  He smiles when he notices Froki hiding under the sofa.  The poor thing was probably traumatized by the raucous and all the strange smells coming from the kitchen.  When he reaches the farthest room in the flat Jonas and Mahdi are listening, rapt, to Magnus telling them an anecdote from the Academy*7.  They haven’t noticed him yet.  For his part Eirik is leaning against the counter, sipping at his usual Riesling, observing them with an amused expression on his face.  Isak waits for Magnus to deliver his punch and once the hilarity has subsided he calls.

“ _Hey boys!_ ”

A chorus of smiles and ‘WTF kept you so long?’ greet him.  Eirik simply raises his glass, winking at him.  And now he drains it and says.

“ _Well guys, now that your host is here, I’ve got a date to go to.  The movie starts at 21:30 and we wanted to grab a bite to eat first so…_ ”

He clasps hand with each of them in turn and even Mags is smiling; his reluctance from last summer quite forgotten.  He stops before Isak who offers his lips for a quick peck.

“ _Say hi to Andreas for me._ ”

“ _I will._ ”

And then he’s gone.

 

*****

 

**Friday, 11-15-2019, 20:34PM**

 

 

After catching up they enjoy each other’s company quietly for a while, just like old times.  And then Magnus turns to him and asks.

“ _So this thing with Eirik… is it really serious?_ ”

Isak can’t help chuckling.   Ahh Mags, always one foot ready to find its way into his mouth!  It’s Jonas who replies instead.

“ _I like him…_ ” 

To which Mahdi concurs.

“ _Yeah, he’s real chill._ ”

Isak grins again and says.

“ _Not so chill when you know one of his ground rules: no drug, not even weed…_ ”

Mahdi makes a face and Jonas looks at his best friend shrewdly.

“ _What other rules does he have?_ ”

“ _I can’t bring any guy here for… hum… fun…_ ”

The boys start hooting until Magnus ventures.

“ _Would you?_ ”

Isak shakes his head.

“ _I can get all the fun I want with him Mags._ ”

“ _Seriously?  Isn’t he a little old?_ ”

Isak isn’t offended at all.  He looks squarely at their youngest friend and replies with a knowing smile.

“ _Being older means he’s experienced… and believe me he’s got lots of it!_ ”

Jonas starts laughing and slaps him on the back

“ _You’re one horny dog aren’t you?_ ”

Isak manages to blush yet he nods, determined not to be embarrassed about this.

“ _Guilty as charged!_ ”

And Magnus can’t help wondering.

“ _But how is it really between two guys?_ ”

The other two groan while Isak rolls his eyes.

“ _Come on Mags!  The Internet is full of gay porn if you’re so curious.  Just google for it!_ ”

Magnus looks skeptical but drops the subject as he takes a swig from his beer.  Not long after they all make ready to leave for the party at Eskild’s.

 

*****

 

**Tuesday, 11-26-2019, 21:51PM**

 

 

He sits on his bed, manuals forgotten next to him.  His computer rests on his lap and he’s holding up Even’s breakup letter in one hand, scanning it.  It’s been a full year today since his ex wrote this.  Isak felt they were overdue to settle their accounts.  For the longest time he waited for Even to make a move, to get back to him, but there was only silence so he came to the realization it was up to him, again, to take the responsibility of concluding their story.

 

He logs into his gmail account, there will be no texting for this.  After pondering what he wishes to say for some time he begins to write.

 

Send to: evenbechns@gmail.com.

 

_“Hello Even,_

__

 

__

_I hope all is well with you in New-York.  And I sincerely wish your School is everything you expected it to be.  Oslo remains the same even though we who still live here go on changing.  Today is the anniversary of your decision that we should ‘take a break’…  Well we have done so, and now the break has become a permanent thing._

__

 

__

_I wanted to let you know that I’ve met someone, a very nice guy by the name of Eirik.  As a matter of fact we live together.  I hope you’ve met someone too, someone who cares about you as much as I once did.  Going through life alone is not a good thing.  I also wanted to thank you… for being who you were when we first met.  I owe you a great deal.  I wouldn’t be where I am today without you by my side, if only for a while._

__

 

__

_And now it’s time I let you go.  Take care of yourself Even.  And remember that somewhere there’s a universe where we are still together._

__

 

__

_Isak.”_

 

 

**********

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1- https://www.homeaway.com/vacation-rental/p872180#summary  
> 2- https://www.facebook.com/lardoiseoslo/  
> 3- https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/obsessive-compulsive-disorder  
> 4- Morning Star  
> 5- https://www.facebook.com/ARKEgertorget/  
> 6- 10,000 NOKr = 1167 US$ or 1100 Euros  
> 7- The Police Academy Magnus attends.  
> __________
> 
> Well... I've reached a point where I think I've outpaced myself. The original conclusion I had in mind presupposed that Isak would be more insecure and vulnerable than he's become... That leaves me in a bind about the final showdown with Even. I have another possibility in mind but I'm hesitant to go there.... So I'm calling for your input.
> 
> EDIT: Urg! I thought deleting the 'Under Construction' and reposting a new C16 would issue another notification but apparently not. Oh well! Time to go to work now.


	17. Icarus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Never regret thy fall,  
> O Icarus of the fearless flight  
> For the greatest tragedy of them all  
> Is never to feel the burning light.”  
>   
> \- Oscar Wilde
> 
> \----------
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to VidaLaVida, as an apology for the thoughtless comment I made after the last chapter.
> 
> \----------
> 
> The track for this chapter is Sia's beautiful 'Elastic Heart'*10 \- here covered by Leroy Sanchez
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PyZgym599bA

# Even

 

 

**Wednesday, 12-04-19, 6:09AM EST**

 

 

Today Even decides to go west so he wanders north on Keap, their street, until it connects with Marcy Avenue.  At which point he heads north-west on his way to Division Avenue.  He’s had a craving for bagels for a while now so his goal is the Williamsburg Bagel at the corner of Division and Roebling.  He’s thinking he should also buy beans to make the blend they both enjoy: fifty percent Brazilian, twenty-five percent Ethiopian and twenty-five percent Mandheling from Sumatra.  Strong black coffee with warm bagels… Heaven!  Pity you couldn’t find Snøfrisk*1 in most place like in Oslo.  Perhaps the Urban Market on Broadway?  If that failed he could hike all the way up to the Upper West Side to try his luck at Zabar’s.*2  Or perhaps not; at least not today.  This semester all his Wednesdays are crammed from 12:30 to 21:00PM, with a two-hour break for dinner at 16:30PM.

 

Once the morning grocery is done he continues his walk south on Lee Avenue.  The air isn’t so foul this early so he can breathe in to his heart’s content, especially now that the dampness of early winter saturates it.  If there’s one thing he dislikes about New-York it’s the pollution.  Granted he wasn’t in Mumbai or Beijing or Mexico City - but he certainly wasn’t in Oslo either.  Still, after what happened last June, he’ll gladly confine himself to a strict routine rather than go through that ordeal again. 

 

Every day he goes through the same motions, whether it’s during the week or on weekends, no matter if he has class or if it’s during a holiday.  His alarm wakes him up at 5:30AM.  He dresses up before going out to walk the neighborhood for at least thirty minutes but no more than an hour.  When he returns he makes coffee and then hit the shower.  After that he takes his pills: lithium, his best friend, plus whatever antidepressant Mathias deems appropriate at any given time; at the moment it’s a small daily dose of Paxil.  He chuckles mirthlessly thinking about his therapist.  Their ‘affair’ is entering into its fifth year now, and while he hasn’t seen him in the flesh in over eighteen months, that’s one type of relationship that can survive long distance; they just Skype it every other week.  He repeats the process, minus the drugs, before going to bed.  

 

And so far, at least in the last few months, he’s been able to average five to six hours of sleep almost every night; and that is quite an achievement in and of itself.  Of course there are always exceptions.  The crunches of deadlines, nights out with his close knit crew from Kanbar*, special moments spent with Claire…  But by and large he’s managed to stay (more or less) level and avoid relapses.  Balance and repetition are the keys.  That and no more weed, under any circumstances!

 

When he unlocks the front door the house is quiet, she’s not up yet.  He makes for the kitchen and starts a pot of coffee before going to the second floor where Claire has her bedroom and which is haunted by her facetious Siamese cat, Bosie…  There’s no lost love between them but they both affect to ignore each other and thus can function under the same roof without (too much) trouble.  He continues upward to his own ‘wing’, the third floor of this narrow beige and sienna brownstone*4 which he rents for five hundred dollars a month; he calls it his ‘penthouse’. 

 

He makes for his private bathroom and gets undressed before climbing into the shower where he luxuriates under hot water for a good fifteen minutes.  At some point in the past, before his time, all the walls on the third floor, save for those enclosing the bathroom and the dressing room, were torn down so that the place now looks like a wide loft.  He loves it!  His large twin bed is perpendicular to two of the three narrow faux Victorian windows facing the street.  In the middle of the room, not far from the bed and opposite the bathroom, there’s his vintage wood drafting table where he sketches his stories.  Next to it another desk, flat covered, where he sits to study or use his laptop.    

 

Even struts about, entirely naked, with his forgotten towel tossed around his shoulders.  The whole place is barely lit in the dim December light filtering through the linen pleat of deep blue curtains.  He stops to lean against the far wall, looking out for a moment, before he has to dress up.  That’s how she finds him, Claire, his one-time dramatic writing teacher, now turned land-lady and occasional lover (ok – more than occasional)…  Even looks back with a roguish smile when she chides in a sultry voice. 

“ _What is it with you and running around naked all the time?_ ” 

His grin widens as he turns to face her, holding the towel with both hands, everything else on open display. 

“ _I like to let the goods breathe once in a while…  Besides you have to admit it!   You rented me this space at such a ridiculously low price only so you could ogle!_ ” 

Her right hand combs through her long disheveled brown mane and manages to dislodge the bathrobe down her left shoulder, exposing the mound of a breast. 

“ _You flatter yourself boy!_ ” 

He approaches and presses himself against her, peering deep into those large brown eyes.  There is a moment when the tension (and not only that) rises, until the woman presses the palm of her hand on Even’s bare chest. 

“ _You may have the luxury of lounging about until 11:30… but I must be at TISCH, prim and proper, by 9:00AM – so I can welcome another class of undeserving brats who think they can write a scene by snapping their fingers…_ ” 

“ _I was one of those brats not so long ago…_ ” 

Her left hand goes up, grooming his longish golden strands*5 before it caresses his jaw.  When she speaks her voice is velvet soft. 

“ _You shouldn’t sell yourself short Even…_ ”   

She’s learned enough Norwegian to pronounce his name correctly so he leans down and kisses her before he murmurs. 

“ _How could I do so with a measuring stick such as yours?_ ” 

The light in her eyes when she smiles is worth more than he can define.  Their mouths lock for a while until she literally pushes herself away from him and gasps.

“ _I’ll see you tonight at the White Oak._ ”  

 

*****

 

**Wednesday, 12-04-19, 9:48AM EST**

Alright, time to plan for today and the rest of the week.  He quickly puts on a pair of briefs and chooses his clothes in the hipster look that’s favored in Lower Manhattan: rolled up jeans, loose t-shirt under a woolen vest, wide bomber jacket and wider cobalt scarf.  The dark green stub in his left earlobe (since he couldn’t find a deep moss one) is the voucher of his ‘coolness’.

 

So… the first class of today is ‘ _Sight & Sound_’.  Pity the stupid bitch who teaches it is such a political zealot; rather than instruct them on how to shoot better videos she keeps presenting politically charged but badly edited clips on multiculturalism. Then she tries to get the students to ‘discuss’ her ideas. Except if you disagree with her, she lowers your grades.  So far he’s learned nothing with her other than that ‘coffee colored children’ is a desirable outcome for the world’s population.

And later in the afternoon he has to attend ‘ _Language of Film_ ’, another requirement.  The professor isn’t a bad sort but she too has an agenda.  All they do with her is watch classic film clips before she proceeds to reinterpret the scenes from a gay perspective.  Alright some of it was actually insightful but still.  Unfortunately, her lectures have no discernible connection to the (very expensive) textbook he had to buy for the class, which covered the history of film, not ‘queer cinema’!  And today they were expected to give her feedback on the semester; well he and his buddies intend to vent all their frustrations!

 

He sits at the desk and switches on the tabletop lamp, then he powers up his laptop.  His professor wants a queer perspective on Visconti’s ‘ _ **Death in Venice**_ ’*6 for his final essay in ‘ _Language of Film_ ’ so she’ll get it.  The movie itself is stunningly beautiful which is why he has no interest in reducing it to a political argument.  Besides a real analysis would require several viewings as well as a thorough exploration of Aschenbach’s feelings for the object of his desire…  Not a good idea because it would mean plumbing his own depths, where his own Tadzio lay dormant.  ‘Sleeping Beauty’ pops into his mind and he snorts…  Jesus Bech, sometimes your metaphors are so corny!

 

In any case he doesn’t have to go there at all since his pal Lucas agreed to write it.  Even flattered the guy’s ego be deferring to his superior knowledge of gay cultural iconography.  The fact that Lucas has a huge crush on him helped too…  He feels a little guilty about this though.  They met when he first arrived in New-York, bunking side by side in the same corner of NYU’s Dorms.  It was Lucas who really introduced him to the Big Apple.  They even slept together once, that week in October of last year, when he had blown so much cash during a manic episode.  Lucas is pretty attractive with his Latino heartthrob on-ness and the sex was quite good but…  He compresses his lips and shakes his head, disheartened; another mania-induced mistake.  Now his friend is… not clingy per se… more like forever hopeful.

 

Because he’s been waiting for Lucas’ email he logs into his Gmail account, for the first time in pfff three weeks perhaps?  And there it is, titled ‘Hopefully this will keep you ‘Alive in New-York’ ;)  Even grins, cheeky smartass!  There’s loads of spam, a few messages from Connor about their last project – he’s already answered his questions directly.  He’s about to empty the mailbox when he sees it.

 

The title reads ‘Halla’.  It was sent by [ivaltersen@gmail.com](mailto:ivaltersen@gmail.com) on November 26th.

 

He closes his eyes, breathing in and out, willing his panicked heart to slow down.  Suddenly he remembers the faint scream on that Saturday evening in June.

“ _ **EVEN!!!**_ ”

He was almost gone when she found him in the bloody bath, both wrists open.  Had Claire not returned earlier than expected from her night out he wouldn’t be here anymore.  He spent the first week after that in the psychiatric ward of the Bellevue, the oldest public hospital in Manhattan.  There he had talked with professionals.  He didn’t mention Mathias at all, because he didn’t want him involved in case the man’s conscience compelled him to inform his parents.  He was already swimming in guilt without adding his parents’ tears to this goddamn mess.

 

He was no longer considered at risk when they released him.  And in truth whenever he looked at the two long scars on the inside of both his forearms he felt like vomiting at the suffocating horror of having almost succeeded.  The rest of the summer he spent it mostly in his ‘penthouse’, depressed.  That’s why he had told his mom he would be traveling, so that she wouldn’t suspect anything.  Gradually, thanks to Claire’s quirky humor and tireless patience he came back from the brink. 

 

One of the things he loves the most about her is how she listens: her attention is entirely focused on whoever is speaking to her and she can read between the lines, even through the silences.  So he told her everything about Isak, about their time together, about the rape and the shitty summer that followed, and above all about his guilt; that corrosive feeling on how he had failed the one person which mattered most to him.  It was that guilt that drove him to break up, because he couldn’t guarantee some other shit wouldn’t happen; and in point of fact, something did happen three weeks before he wrote that letter: he had sex with Lucas.

 

He remembers crying like a mewling infant while Claire held him, shouldering his pain with him.  He already knew, even then, that she had feelings for him, yet she never let it slip that all his confessions hurt her – it must have!  So there’s guilt in that corner too.  Yeah Team Even!  In the end it was Claire, again, who suggested he should ‘write’ the story of ‘Evak’ in the one language he understood best: drawing.  And he has to admit it did help.  He began slowly yet the more he drew the more details came forth; memories he had forgotten bubbling to the surface.  Laying it all out helped him put distance between him and the pain.  There were days when he didn’t touch it and others where he would sketch several pages in a row.

 

*****

 

Eventually, by the end of this second crappy summer in a row, he contacted Mathias who wasn’t at all surprised to hear the months of traveling had been in fact months of depression.  He can still see the man’s face over the Skype feed, becoming rigidly alert when Even spoke of the suicide attempt.  He recalls their discussion as if it happened yesterday.

 

 **Mathias** : “ _Are you being followed by someone in New-York?_ ”

 **Even** : “ _Yes, a doctor Michael Pawel.  He’s attached to the Bellevue Hospital Center._ ”

His therapist writes down the information then he looks at him.  The man’s voice is carefully neutral when he asks.

 **Mathias** : “ _Why didn’t you call me?_ ”

Even remembers looking down, embarrassed.

 **Even** : “ _I thought you might feel obligated to tell my parents and I didn’t want them to know... I had enough shit to deal with without having to cope with their anxiety… so I lied to Mom._ ”

The man remains quiet for some time until he says.

 **Mathias** : “ _Although you are bipolar, and thus more susceptible to it than other people, most suicide attempts don’t happen out of the blue Even, they’re the culmination of a long process which is eventually triggered by something…  Can you tell me what could have triggered you?_ ”

He’s had the same discussion with Dr Pawel so he’s ready with an answer.

 **Even** : “ _The spring semester was really taxing… it might surprise you but so far I’m underwhelmed by TISCH…  Yes it’s prestigious, not to mention fucking expansive, but in terms of actual content?  On paper it looks great but in practice… it seems half the professorial staff is more invested in identity politics and the culture war than in actually teaching us how to make movies!  And that means we’re pretty much left on our own when it comes to learning anything useful beyond theory.  So I made friends with a bunch of misfits and we do our own shit on the side, after school… that’s intense and exhausting at times…_ ”

 **Mathias** : “ _What kind of shit?_ ”

He shrugs.

 **Even** : “ _We watch one or two movies a day, then we discuss them; we meet at the Bobst Library and we read source material then we end up in cafes to pick each other’s brains… and eventually this turns out into impromptu parties so there’s booze and weed…_ ” 

The ghost of a smile appears on his lips as he reminisces. 

 **Even** : _“…you have to live it to understand how it feels to be young in Lower Manhattan… They say New-York never sleeps and it’s true!  At any hour of any day there’s something happening somewhere…  It’s not like boring Oslo where the city feels like a retirement home on week nights!_ ”

Mathias purses a smile at this then he resumes.

 **Mathias** : “ _So, an intense semester, not much sleep and consumption of drugs on a more or less regular basis…  Am I following you so far?_ ”

Even nods before confiding.

 **Even** : “ _I became jittery by late May, after the spring exams were over.  Maybe the sudden relaxation in tension kick-started me… I don’t know… but I was sleeping less and less.  In any case Claire and I sort of fought on May 31st and I decided to go out…  I ended up at ‘The Cock’* 7, the seediest gay club you can imagine… you get groped the moment you walk in…_” 

He snorts in amusement. 

 **Even** : “ _…in fact if you want to see guys sucking each other off in plain sight, or fucking in the bathroom, that’s the place to go…_ ”

 **Mathias** : “ _Were you looking for Isak that night?_ ”

His heart had missed a beat right then and he could only whisper.

 **Even** : “ _Yea…_ ”

 **Mathias** : “ _And you found him?_ ”

 **Even** : “ _In a way…  His name was Aaron I think… yeah that’s what it was… a Columbia freshman from Utah, a closeted Mormon boy…  Curly blond hair, pale green-blue eyes, not Isak’s but close enough, and the lips were almost identical…  He was shorter though…  Anyway I literally stalked him until I cornered him in the bathroom.  Thankfully nobody was fucking in there at the time.  I just went to him and kissed him, as if I was back in Oslo and he was Isak…_ ”

He closes his eyes, seeing it unfold all over again.

 **Even** : “ _He was breathless when I released him, looking up at me like I was his savior…_ ”

His vision blurs and he wipes at his eyes.

 **Even** : _“…He looked so vulnerable… so much like Isak Mathias!  You have no idea!_ ”

Once again he needs to stop while he swallows the memory.  His therapist stays quiet.

 **Even** : “ _I knew Claire was angry at me and that meant she would most likely get pissed drunk and stay at one of her girlfriends’ for the night… so I took the guy home with me… all the way to Williamsburg._ ”

He can still see what happened after that.

 **Even** : “ _I was after him like a drug addict is after his fix… throughout the train ride, then the walk home then up to my space in Claire’s house…  I was like a man possessed!  We showered together and he was moaning like all his fantasies were coming true…  And then I gave him a New-York Yankees snap cap I stole from Isak before I left Norway, ordering him to put it on.  The set was complete so I took him to my bed and I fucked him like a man fucks his lover after months of absence… Except this was Aaron’s first time…_ ”

He bites his lips while his eyes are burning and his throat is so constricted he can barely gasp.

 **Even** : “ _When I finished he just lay there, trembling.  The tears slowly coursing down his cheeks were all the ‘prince charming’ illusions I had busted…  I took him in my arms, cradling his distress, whispering countless ‘I’m so sorry’s’…_ ”

He sighs, massaging the furrow between his eyebrows.

 **Even** : “ _Imagine that if you can…  You go out, most likely one of the first times you’re in a gay club, you meet a guy you find attractive and who’s apparently into you… then he brings you to his place and uses you as if you were somebody else…  How must that feel?_ ”

He grinds his teeth together at the pain of it.

 **Even** : “ _Do you realize what I’ve done to this kid Mathias?!?_ ”

 **Mathias** : “ _How did it end?_ ”

 **Even** : “ _Eventually he fell asleep until early the next morning, and all the while I watched over him…  When he woke up he took another shower but he refused to have breakfast with me so I walked him to the metro station, in silence.  When the train came Aaron looked up at me and simply said: ‘This Isaac guy… he must’ve been really special huh?’  I didn’t have time to reply when he climbed aboard and was gone…  I haven’t seen or heard from him since._ ”

Mathias remains silent for a while as he looks away.  In time he focuses on his patient once again.

 **Mathias** : “ _So it was the evening of that same day when you…_ ”

 **Even** : “ _Yeah…_ ”

 **Mathias** : “ _Tell me what went on through your mind then…_ ”

Even grasps at his face before he combs his hair and sighs.

 **Even** : “ _I betrayed Isak… by sleeping with this guy…  I betrayed Aaron by using him in lieu of Isak…  By then I was thoroughly in diving mode…  I didn’t see any way out; I didn’t deserve Isak after cheating on him twice – I’d betrayed Claire too by having a guy over while she was away…  I felt like there was no escape from the cage of my own mind…_ ”

 **Mathias** : “ _So what happened next?_ ”

 **Even** : “ _I ran a hot bath, gulped down several anti-depressants and took a razor blade down my wrists…_ ”

 

*****

 

**Wednesday, 12-04-19, 10:52AM EST**

 

 

He inhales deeply and focuses on the moment… then he looks back at the screen.  That email is still sitting there, unopened.  And only now does he realize that Isak had chosen to write on the exact same date he himself wrote his breakup letter, one full year ago…  He bites at his nails, unable to decide if he should read it or not.  It felt like impending doom was coated all over it.  Finally he clenches his jaw and double-clicks on the bloody thing.  A few seconds elapse while he waits and then…

 

_“Hello Even,_

 

_I hope all is well with you in New-York.  And I sincerely wish your School is everything you expected it to be.  Oslo remains the same even though we who still live here go on changing.  Today is the anniversary of your decision that we should ‘take a break’…  Well we have done so, and now the break has become a permanent thing._

 

_I wanted to let you know that I’ve met someone, a very nice guy by the name of Eirik.  As a matter of fact we live together.  I hope you’ve met someone too, someone who cares about you as much as I once did.  Going through life alone is not a good thing.  I also wanted to thank you… for being who you were when we first met.  I owe you a great deal.  I wouldn’t be where I am today without you by my side, if only for a while._

 

_And now it’s time I let you go.  Take care of yourself Even.  And remember that somewhere there’s a universe where we are still together._

 

_Isak.”_

 

By the time he finishes he can’t see from the goddamn tears.  So his boy has moved on has he?  He certainly can’t blame him!  Away from the bipolar mess and good riddance Even!  He hangs his keening misery on both his upturned fists.  He so fucking deserves that pain!  A corner of his mind can’t help but wonder how it’s possible for him to still mourn someone he hasn’t seen in close to eighteen months while he is living with a loving woman who’d gladly give years of her own life to make him happy?

 

*****

 

**Wednesday, 12-04-19, 17:12PM EST**

 

 

When he arrives at the White Oak Tavern*8 Claire is already there, seated in their usual secluded padded stall near the horseshoe bar.  She’s absorbed by something on her tablet.  He stays standing there for a minute, enjoying the curve of her neck under the bundled chignon she’s sporting today; if there is one area where women hold the advantage over the raw beauty of a guy’s body it is this: their swanlike necks.

 

He plops down on the bench facing her, tossing his messenger backpack next to him, and she smiles up.  He always smiles back, because she’s simply beautiful*9.  Not by common standards though.  He wouldn’t qualify her as plain but there’s nothing outstanding either.  She has a heart shaped face, large brown eyes looking at the world under arched eyebrows, a prominent snub nose and that infectious smile of hers…  He arranges a loose strand of hair behind his right ear and asks.

“ _How was your day?_ ”

Her mouth twists as if she’d just chewed on a piece of lemon.

“ _A struggle…  Every class is like a season; they come and go but are never quite the same.  This semester I’ve got a dreary lot on my hands, most are still struggling with the concept of narrative distance and we’re less than two weeks away from the finals for fuck sake!_ ”

He’s still chortling at her caustic remark when the waiter comes to take their order.  Claire chooses the Pan Seared Salmon with a glass of merlot while he calls for the Fish N’ Chips and a pint of Guiness.  After they get their drinks she savors a sip of her wine before asking.

“ _What about you?  Did you survive ‘Sigh & Sound’ once again?_”

She knew exactly what he thought of the crazy bitch who lectured (more like pontificated) there.

“ _I skipped it…_ ”

“ _Oh?_ ”

He stares into her eyes, suddenly unsure if he should mention the email.  He watches as a frown begins to form between her eyebrows.  It never ceases to amaze him how attuned to his moods she’s become.  There’s no sense trying to lie or hide anything from her so he sighs and says.

“ _I got an email today… from Norway…_ ”

She blinks and wets her lips.

“ _…from Isak?_ ”

He nods, dead serious, and watches as a small reflective smile form on her sensuous lips.  She gazes at him, searching his face for a while until she says.

“ _What does he have to say?_ ”

He takes out the folded sheet of paper from an inner pocket of his jacket and hands it to her.  After he calmed down earlier today, before he took the metro to get to school, he translated and printed a copy for her.  The goodbye letter should please her and he needed her input, she was such a keen observer of the human nature.

 

When she’s done reading she flattens the sheet on the table between her manicured hands and sighs.

“ _He’s very eloquent…_ ”

She smiles again and Even frowns.  Why does she seem so… crestfallen?  He is startled when she claps his hand.  She’s usually not one to be affectionate in public.  He licks his lips and asks the one question that’s been plaguing him all day.

“ _Do you think I should answer?_ ”

“ _No._ ” 

She squeezes his hand to prevent a reply and looks at him squarely in the eyes when she continues.

“ _Don’t get me wrong, I definitely think you should respond, but not with an email or a text…  This is the kind of discussion you need to have face to face with him…_ ”

A cold feeling grows in the pit of his stomach…  What is she saying!?  He’s about to question her when the waiter brings in their food.  He looks down at his plate – he’s lost his appetite all of a sudden.  Still he forces himself to pick up a French fry and munches in silence for a while.  He notices how Claire too is chewing on a token bite of her salmon.  He clears his throat and remarks.

“ _He didn’t send me this to have a chat Claire…  He says he has a new boyfriend!_ ”

There’s a hint of bitterness when she chuckles at this.  She puts down her fork and grabs the letter, holding it up between two fingers.

“ _When you’re over someone you don’t sent messages like this…_ ”

“ _What are you saying?_ ”

“ _You broke up with him and kept quiet for over a year and still he reaches out to you…  What does that tell you?_ ”

He opens his mouth but nothing comes out.  He dares not even think about it.  She snorts and purses her lips, a sure sign she’s getting irritated.

“ _He’s calling for you Even!_ ”

 

He can’t believe it, not after everything that’s happened, not after he betrayed him like he did.  He’s like an open book before her and he sees her aggravation dissipate, replaced with warm sympathy.  She cradles both his hands in hers and pleads.

“ _You must forgive yourself or you’ll go on being torn open inside…_ ”

He presses his lips together and lowers his head to hide the threatening tears.  She’s almost whispering now.

“ _Why are you so afraid of seeing him again?_ ”

He doesn’t reply right away, trying very hard not to break down here, in public.  When he can speak he murmurs.

“ _I… abandoned him and I betrayed him twice over…_ ”

“ _And still…_ ”  She glances down at the sheet.  _“…he wrote ‘remember that somewhere there’s a universe where we are still together’…  That tells me that despite everything, he still loves you…_ ”  She pauses and adds. “ _…just like you still love him…_ ”

His eyes are dry again when he looks up at her, stupefied.  There was such resignation in her voice! 

“ _How can you sit here so calm and urge me to meet with my ex when you know I still have strong feelings for him?_ ”

She smiles and now it’s her eyes that are shining.  One hand moves up and caresses the right side of his face.

“ _Because I love you of course..._ ”

She wipes at her eyes and gazes at him with nothing but tenderness.

“ _Call me hackneyed if you will but the only thing that matters to me is for you to be happy.  And you haven’t been truly happy since you broke up with Isak.  There are things that need to be said between you two before both of you can either move on or renew your bond…_ ”

 

He sits there transfixed as he listens to her.  She sips at her wine and goes on.

“ _This isn’t me being all altruistic by the way, I don’t want to lose you… but I’d rather it happens than continue to watch you festering inside, being slowly consumed by guilt and regrets…  So long as you flee your past you cannot begin to heal, you cannot become whole again._ ”

He bites at his lips, she knew him so well!  His head hang in shame when she adds.

“ _I know what you’re thinking right now, that you don’t deserve love; that you’re so damaged you’ll always end up hurting those who care for you…_ ”  She grips his forearm.  “ _…that’s fucking bullshit!_ ”

He looks up, startled, completely caught up in her fierce glare.

“ _We were friends before we became lovers so listen to your friend now.  You have got to stop wallowing in self pity!  And you must understand this: we, everyone who surround you, are not actors in the movie of your life Even!  You cannot direct or control our emotions…  When I fell in love I already knew that a part of you would be forever out of reach… that part which belongs to Isak.  Yet I chose to go down that road, to go along with it.  Do you understand what I’m saying?  I made a choice knowingly, and I would do it again, even if I get hurt along the way, because being with you is so fucking worth it!  So… stop trying to shoulder guilt when there’s no reason to feel guilty in the first place!_ ”

 

Claire is now attacking her salmon with the same determination she used to chew him out just then.  He starts chortling even as he blinks away more tears.  God what a woman!  She was like a mix of Sonja and Isak with a dash of Mom thrown in.  He laughs out loud when she makes a face, tosses the fork in her plate and swears.

“ _Shit! It’s gone cold._ ”

He wipes his eyes dry and signals the waiter.  When the guy stands next to them he asks.

“ _Could you please re-heat our plates, we got side-tracked…_ ”

 

*****

 

**Saturday, 12-21-2019, 19:31PM**

 

 

He sits next to Claire, waiting for the boarding to be announced.  He had chosen Iceland Air, not because it was the cheapest but because the downtime was minimal.  The flight would last a little over ten hours, including the change of plane in Reykjavik.  He’s jittery.  His mother had been ecstatic Friday before last when he told her over Skype he would be back home for the holidays.  He knew she was brimming with questions by the fact she limited her comments to generalities.  But she’d be grilling him soon enough and he kind of dreaded it…  There was a lot both she and Dad didn’t know…  He looks down at the black leather bracers covering his scars; how on Earth do you announce to your parents that you attempted suicide?  He senses Claire looking at him so he turns her way.  She says.

“ _Are you nervous?_ ”

“ _Yeah…  I was just wondering if I should tell them about this._ ” 

He points at his bracers with his chin.  She sighs and replies.

“ _It’ll be difficult but I think it’s better to come out clear with them; not that you have any obligations but… it’s a way to show that you trust them._ ”

He nods.  The chime announcing pre-boarding suddenly sounds.

 

“ _Good evening passengers. This is the pre-boarding announcement for Iceland Air flight 614 to Reykjavik, with transfer to Iceland Air flight 322 bound for Oslo, Norway. We are now inviting those passengers with small children, and any passengers requiring special assistance, to begin boarding at this time. Please have your boarding pass and identification ready. Regular boarding will begin in approximately ten minutes time. Thank you._ ”

 

Even stands up and adjusts the sunglasses on his head.  Since he’s not a fan of long flights he intends to sleep throughout most of it, if he can.  Claire faces him and asks.

“ _You have your pass?_ ”

He taps his upper chest and wiggles both eyebrows.

“ _Yes Maam!_ ”  Then he gathers Claire in his arms, kissing her hair and says.  “ _Wish me luck!_ ”

She clasps his face in her hands and caresses it.  Her voice is full of tears when she whispers.

“ _My prince of tides…_ ”

He leans down and kisses her.  She clears her throat and adds one last thing.

“ _Remember… be honest with yourself and with him!_ ”

He nods again and leaves her to reach the gate.  She watches him present his boarding pass after which he turns towards her one last time and flashes a huge grin.  And then he is gone.

 

**********

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1- http://www.snofrisk.com/products/sn%C3%B8frisk/fresh-spreadable-cheese  
> 2- https://www.facebook.com/zabars/  
> 3- http://tisch.nyu.edu/kanbar-institute  
> 4- Claire’s triplex in Williamsburg: ( https://www.google.ca/maps/@40.7063365,-73.9564652,3a,75y,140.82h,96.67t/data=!3m7!1e1!3m5!1sR8ePf5l-qn4rB_1n6TE1-g!2e0!5s20140901T000000!7i13312!8i6656!6m1!1e1 )  
> 5- Even’s new look: ( https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/e8/75/84/e87584e4d8532565f28c84cd0614ece5.jpg )  
> 6- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pxn49yWVJk  
> 7- https://www.yelp.ca/biz/the-cock-new-york-2  
> 8- http://whiteoakny.com/  
> 9- Meet Claire ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZ-HKwHPjKw&t=15s ) – Her name is actually Claire and she’s an Even fanatic – I found her really funny so I thought it would be a nice wink to write her in this tale.  
> 10- For those who don't know, Sia Furler is bipolar and she wrote this song as part of a trilogy speaking about herself. The first song, the magnificent 'Chandelier', speaks of her alcoholism; 'Elastic Heart' speaks of her bipolar condition and the last one 'Big Girls Cry' speaks of her loneliness and the pressure of living up to society's standards.
> 
> \-----
> 
> I listened to you guys and gave Even his voice back. Hopefully you'll find that he rings true.


	18. My Prince

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Law of Attraction Always Applies...
> 
> _____
> 
> The track for this chapter is 'Two Men in Love' by the Irrepressibles.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BoL7uO55-g8

# Even

 

 

 

**Monday, 12-23-19, 11:07AM**

 

 

Even though he wore his sunglasses during the flight, drank lots of water and had power naps at regular intervals, he was still so jetlagged after touching down he ended up sleeping off throughout most of yesterday.  But now he feels awake and refreshed like he hasn’t been in a long time.  It must be the silence.  Compared to his neighborhood in Brooklyn, St-Hanshaugen, where his parents have their house on Pavel Street, is really quiet.  Normally he would go down to the kitchen with just his boxers and t-shirt on but with the bracers it would look awkward and invite questions he wasn’t ready to answer yet.  So he showers quickly and dresses up.  God he missed piling up layer over layer!  New-York, even in winter, was simply too warm for this.  Amazing how comforting the simplest things can be…

 

When he walks into the green kitchen he smiles as he watches his mother fussing over tea.  He walks up to her and hugs her close, kissing her hair as he whispers.

“ _I love you Mom!_ ”

She lets out a quiet laugh and pats him on the arm.  Then she says.

“ _Come I made Chai.  There’s bread and cheese ready too if you’re hungry._ ”

 

He releases her and goes at the counter where he starts slicing some Brunost*1 to make himself a couple of cheese toasts.  The spicy smell of Chai invades the whole kitchen as Heidi fills two large mugs.  He peppers his breakfast before putting it into the oven for a few minutes.  When they are ready he puts them in a plate and moves back towards the table where he sits facing his mother.  He’s busy munching when she remarks.

“ _I really like your new look._ ”

He snorts and swallows before he replies.

“ _Come on, I’ve had this hairdo for months!_ ”

“ _Yes but it’s not the same through Skype, the image is never really clear._ ”

He shrugs and grunts, wolfing down the bread and melted cheese.

“ _How is Claire?_ ”

He sips at his tea to wash down the last mouthful and licks the foam off his lips.

“ _Great, she sends her regards to both of you.  She would have loved to come but she said my first trip back should be a gift to you guys, without the obligation to entertain a guest._ ”

Heidi smiles, pleased by the thought.

“ _You rarely speak of her when we chat but I get the impression she cares a great deal for you…_ ”

He sees Claire’s brimming eyes when he left her at JFK.

“ _Yeah… she does._ ”

“ _What about you?  Do you care as well?_ ”

He looks at his Mom.  He knows her, she’s treading lightly now because she wants him to talk without asking directly.  He gulps down some more Chai and instead of replying the her question he says.

“ _Isak sent me an email last month…_ ”

She seems to straighten in her chair and her eyes are alert.  She exhales and says.

“ _So… that’s the real reason why you’re here…_ ”

“ _Not the only reason!  I missed you guys!_ ”

She nods and asks.

“ _What did he say in that email?_ ”

Even sighs then looks aside.

“ _That he has a new boyfriend… they live together apparently…  He also thanked me for helping him become who he is now, because of our relationship…_ ”

 

His mother remains silent and when he looks back her smile is nostalgic; she’s recalling memories from when Isak lived with them in the summer of 2018 no doubt…  Then she sighs in turn.

“ _I miss him…_ ”

He is startled by this.

“ _Didn’t you two keep in touch?_ ”

“ _The last time I spoke to him was in early June… when I told him you would spend the summer travelling…_ ”

There was a discordant note in her voice just then.  He focuses on her face and she stares back, entirely serious.  She points at his bracers and says in a calm tone.

“ _Do you want to tell me what happened?_ ”

His mouth drops open from the realization she knows already.  Mathias…   Fuck!  He can’t meet her eyes so he looks down at the table instead.  Her voice is hard when she speaks again.

“ _Look at me Even!_ ”

 

He feels cornered when he gazes back up.  Her eyes have darkened yet she remains calm when she continues.

“ _Mathias came here on a Saturday afternoon early in September.  He informed us he had spoken to you for the first time since May the week before.  Then he asked us to sit while he stood and told us you had tried to commit suicide on the evening of June 1st…_ ”

He blinks and can hardly swallow for the lump in his throat.  She is so composed!  Yet he senses how angry she still is.  It’s unnerving.  She licks her lips and goes on.

“ _Naturally we wanted to know everything but he refused to give any details, saying it was for you to tell, when you were ready.  He also urged us not to contact you about this until you came forth of your own accord…_ ”

It’s like he’s six years old again, caught up at some mischief, his head hanging in remorse.  She is relentless when she recounts what followed.

“ _I’ve been with your father for twenty-five years and in all those years I’ve seen him cry only three times: when you were born, when his mother died and that night after Mathias told us what you did…_ ”

He hides his face in his hands while his burning tears fall on the table.  But Heidi isn’t finished yet.

“ _Don’t blame Mathias; it’s a good thing he came to tell us… I’ve had time to calm down…”  She lets out a deep sigh.  “Do you know what hurt the most?  You lied to us; you didn’t trust us!  When have we ever let you down Even?_ ”

He’s nothing but raw pain when he cries out.

“ _Mamma please!_ ”

 

He whimpers, wiping snot from his runny nose when he feels her standing and come closer.  She brushes at his hair and he turns toward her to bury his face in her stomach.  She caresses his golden head and murmurs.

“ _Why are so unhappy baby boy?_ ”

His shoulders are heaving even as he tightens his hug around her waist.  Finally he bawls out.

“ _I want him back so bad!_ ”

 

 

*****

 

 

**Monday, 12-23-19, 13:49PM**

 

 

He’s curled up on the sofa in the living room, hiding under a comforter, while his head rests on his mother’s lap.  She hasn’t stopped smoothing his hair since they retreated here from the kitchen after he calmed down.  They had spoken on a regular basis through Skype over the months but never really had a ‘heart to heart’ so to speak, simply because the medium wasn’t really fit for that kind of talk.  But once they were settled she didn’t need to prompt him, he told her everything.

 

From his arrival at NYU’s dorms where he met Lucas, to his first classes; the excitement of exploring that ever throbbing city; the friends he made along the way; the moment when he first met Claire in her writing class and how funny he found her; the manic episode in October, the night he spent with Lucas and the guilt that ate at him afterwards; the decision to spare Isak from all this by breaking up with him; his remaining in the US during the following Holidays, if only to avoid bumping into his ex somewhere in Oslo; the hectic months that followed until the next manic episode where he slept with Aaron…  And the following night of course…  He remembers the creeping drowsiness from the drugs, then the distant burning pain as he cut through his skin.  After a while his breath became shallow and more difficult to draw in.  His heartbeat was irregular and he barely registered anything anymore when he heard Claire’s distant scream.

 

At which point his mother utters one word, very quietly while her hand clutches his shoulder.

“ _Stop!_ ”

He feels her take a couple of deep breaths.  Eventually she resumes stroking his hair.  When she speaks again her voice is faint.

“ _I lost a child before you were born…_ ”

He looks up quickly, eyes wide with shock; this is the first he’s ever heard about this.  Heidi is gazing inward remembering.

“ _It was a little girl…”  The ghost of a wistful smile plays on her lips for a moment.  “…the umbilical cord twisted around her neck and she was strangled in the womb …_ ”

He’s all eyes and can’t stop staring at her.  He could’ve had a sister…  He bites his lips and clears his throat.

“ _How long… before me?_ ”

“ _I was already pregnant when Kristian proposed…_ ”  She glances down at him.  “ _After she died the doctor said there were risks of complications should I get pregnant again, so he advised against it._ ” 

Heidi looks away and continues.

“ _I was really depressed for a while… but thanks to your dad I came around and in time we decided we would try for another child no matter the odds._ ”

She smiles down and caresses the side of his face.

“ _And you came to us… my little miracle._ ”

 

He swallows hard and his eyes fill up again.  Only now does he realize how she must have felt when Mathias told them the news.  His shame tastes like bile in his mouth.  He grimaces and grinds his teeth, unable to speak.  His mother’s voice comes down like a placid summer rain.

“ _You cannot decide for anyone how they should feel about you Even… and you can’t go on pushing people away just because you think you’ll protect them…  All you can do is trust in those who care for you and in your own emotions…_ ”

He sighs, drained, and extends one arm to grab a tissue from the box on the coffee table.  After blowing his nose he sits straight next to Heidi and grabs his phone from his back pocket.  He unlocks it and navigates to his Gmail account.  He opens Isak’s email and enlarges it before passing the device to her.  She reads it carefully twice before returning his phone.  He coughs and ventures.

“ _Claire says he still loves me… what do you think?_ ”

She cocks her head and considers the question for a couple of minutes then she turns to him.

“ _Last year, when he showed me the letter you sent him, he wondered if perhaps you weren’t right about the time off…  When I asked him if he really believed that, he just said he was tired of trying to convince you that he wouldn’t stop loving you…_ ”

 

He closes his eyes, heart sinking.  Isak waited a full year for Even to give him a sign…  He must’ve concluded he would never get any – that’s when he sent his email…  Mom’s voice is careful when she adds.

“ _I have no doubt he still loves you Even… but… it could be he’s no longer ‘in love’ with you…_ ”

He searches her face; she’s never been anything but honest with him so there’s no reason to doubt her now.  If she evoked the possibility it’s because she anticipated it.  He peers into her eyes and says.

“ _Do you think it’s the case?_ ”

She puts a hand on his leg.

“ _I honestly don’t know… and neither do you!”_  She gives him a look that says: don’t you dare assume anything.  _“Not until you guys meet and speak together will you know for certain.  All I wanted was to make you aware it could be something like that…_ ”

He swallows a snort and shakes his head, miserable.

“ _I’m not even sure he’ll want to see me…_ ”

“ _He didn’t send this for nothing.  No… I think he’ll meet you._ ”  She thinks of something else and asks.

“ _When is your next semester starting?_ ”

“ _January 6th._ ”

“ _So there’s time to relax first… I know Kristian wants to spend some time alone with you; to bond with his son again and have a man-to-man chat I think…_ ”

He feels suddenly apprehensive at the prospect; if that is as emotional as today has been so far…  Heidi seems to read his mind for she lets out an amused chuckle.

“ _Trust me baby boy, if you survived me you’ll survive your dad._ ”

There’s a grin tugging at his lips and on an impulse he hugs her once more, planting a noisy smooch on her cheek.

“ _What would I do without you?_ ”

She combs his hair behind his ears and murmurs, staring straight into his eyes.

“ _You remember that if you ever think about… leaving again._ ”

 

 

*****

 

# Eirik

 

 

**Tuesday, 12-24-19, 18:14PM**

 

 

Mere seconds after ringing the bell, the door on 23 Tyrihansveien jerks wide open and there leans a breathless fifteen year old girl.  Her generous dimpled smile, so much like Isak’s, widens while those large emerald eyes sparkle under a cloud of shoulder-length golden curls tied in two loose tresses.  She looks over her shoulders and hollers.

“ _They’re here mamma!_ ”

Eirik grins; immediately taken with this vivacious sprig of a girl.  Isak smiles fondly at his sister and says.

“ _Hey Kitten!_ ”

Her face flushes red and she scowls.

“ _Don’t call me that!  I’m not twelve anymore!_ ”

His boyfriend laughs and leans down to peck his younger sibling on the cheek, teasing her again.

“ _Aww come on Kit… just a little smile for your big brother!_ ”

She tries not to but she ends up grinning back.  Eirik can see how pleased she is by the attention.  And then her entire face lit up when she notices the piercing on Isak’s right eyebrow.

“ _OMG you got a barbell!  That’s so awesome!!!  OMG I need a pic of us!_ ”

Her brother rolls his eyes as she produces a pink phone from a pocket.  Isak appears exasperated already when he sighs.

“ _Leah, can we go inside for this?!_ ”

 

She giggles as she shows them in, clutching at her brother’s arm almost as if she needs to make sure he’s really there.  They remove their coats and their boots, putting aside the shoe and gift bags they brought with them.  Leah exclaims again when she takes in Isak’s clothes.  He wears a long sleeved, slim fit satin shirt the color of blood wine with a pair of debonair trousers tailored in black wool.  Eirik chose them himself when they went shopping for the occasion the week before; they fell so well that the boy’s bottom appeared even more shapely.  For his part he has donned a casual suit of charcoal serge with a mouse gray crew neck sweater and a pale blue dress shirt.

 

And now the girl won’t be denied.  She grabs her brother by the waist and positions her phone to take a selfie.  But he keeps goofing around, making silly faces and ruining every shot until she snaps.

“ _Fy Faen Isak!  Be serious!_ ”

His boyfriend pretends to be scandalized by his young sister’s language until he laughs aloud and kisses her again.  Eirik is thoroughly enjoying their banter; it’s like he’s seeing a previously unknown facet of the lad – from when he was younger, before his father left and he ended up moving out.  The corners of Isak’s mouth are still quivering when he says.

“ _Ok go!_ ”

She takes three more shots and beams at the last one.

“ _This is so going on my wall!_ ”

 

At which point Marianne, Isak’s mother and their hostess, appears at the entrance of the hallway leading to the airy living room.  She’s shorter than her son but her hair, pulled up in a loose bun, is the same burnished gold color.  If her daughter inherited her clear green eyes, both her children had been gifted with her wide curvaceous lips.  Isak goes to her and plants shy kisses on both sides of her face.  Eirik glimpses the quick smile flashing up before she glances his way over her son’s shoulders.  He can see her retreating behind a reserved facade.

Isak strokes his mother’s arm and turns towards him.  He sounds quiet when he introduces them.

“ _This is Eirik Mamma, he’s my roommate…_ ” 

Even though he assured him his mother had been fairly stable as of late, they had agreed to play this angle since Isak didn’t want to risk upsetting her.  Eirik walks closer and smiles a nod, always looking into her eyes.

“ _I’m pleased to meet you Marianne.  I want to thank you for receiving me in your home._ ”

She nods more slowly, serious, and he feels like he’s being… assessed.  His pale gaze never leaves hers.  Eventually a small smile dawns on her lips.  Her voice is quite soft when she remarks.

“ _More than just a roommate I think…_ ”

Eirik becomes still and without thinking he glances at Isak.  Marianne’ smile deepens a fraction and she nods again.  Then Leah looks at them both before she turns to him and exclaims.

“ _Wow!  Like are you Isak’s boyfriend?!?_ ”

Marianne seems to relax at this and she shushes her youngest.

“ _Don’t pester them with questions girl!  Come, there’s Gløgg* 2 ready while we wait for your father._”

 

 

*****

 

**Tuesday, 12-24-19, 19:44PM**

 

 

Isak’s father, Terje, arrived a little after 19:00PM.  He had worked all day, even on Christmas Eve.  A regular occurrence in the oil industry he assured them.  He had begun his career as an oil engineer for Statoil*3 twenty-three years before, gradually rising within the ranks of the State-owned conglomerate until he was made a senior HSE Manager.*4  Having freelanced for Statoil in the past Eirik has a few contacts in the organization so he has a general idea of the kind of yearly revenues the man is earning: somewhere around 1,5 million kroner*5 if he had to guess, and that’s excluding the benefits; which means he could well afford to support his wife and daughter in the family house, himself in a Sornebu flat and his son with a monthly allowance.

 

When they were introduced Eirik could see where Isak’s angular bone structure came from.  He also noticed the man was almost as tall as himself, although not as wide in the shoulders.  Terje’s hair is a darker blond than his son’s and flecked with long strands of grey.  He wears them a little below the ears.  His eyes are a deep shade of blue and Eirik realizes it’s the perfect blend of that color with Marianne’s clear green that produced Isak’s unique moss.

 

The conversation during dinner revolved mostly between Terje and the two siblings, who didn’t get to see their father that often.  Eirik observed him while the man listened, attentive, to both his children answering his questions.  He was the dispassionate sort, almost to the point of detachment, and Eirik could well imagine how this could be construed as aloofness.  Suddenly he wonders if Isak’s cautiousness doesn’t spring from the constant gauging of his dad’s motivations.  The corners of the man’s eyes crease when he smiles, which he does rarely.  Although his fondness for Leah becomes quite apparent while she speaks at length about what she intends to do, once she joins Nissen.  Yet when Isak interjects, something in Terje’s expression always seems to shift, becoming guarded, as if he doesn’t know what to make of his firstborn.  Eirik glances at his boyfriend and notes the rigid little smile on his profile; the expression of someone whose overtures are being ignored, again.

At which point he starts when Marianne calls to him.

“ _Eirik… would you help me with coffee and dessert please?_ ”

 

He nods and stands, following her toward the black and white kitchen.  She indicates the white latticed cupboard where the coffee cups are stored while she busies herself assembling five sherbet glasses on the counter island in the middle of the room.  He joins her, preparing a large tray with cups, saucers and silverware.  He begins pouring down as she is filling the glassware with chilled Cloudberry Cream.  Her voice is quiet when she speaks.

“ _You shouldn’t judge my husband too harshly…_ ”

He wants to protest but she ignores him and continues, never looking up.

“ _Terje doesn’t know how to handle Isak’s… difference._ ”

Eirik ventures a comment.

“ _I think Isak struggles because of it…_ ”

She sprinkles each dessert with a little pinch of nutmeg and sighs.

“ _I know… but he’s not alone anymore now yes?_ ”

Eirik swallows, uncertain how much he should say, then he shrugs.

“ _I’ll be at his side for as long as he wants me too._ ”

She nods and seems to think of something else.

“ _The other young man, the one with the haunted blue eyes, do you know what happened to him?_ ”

Eirik realizes with a shock she must be speaking of Even…  What an unsettling turn to this conversation!  What is he supposed to say here?  So he goes for something non-committal.

“ _He went to study in America…_ ”

“ _Hmm…  Isak must have been so sad when he left… he loved him so very much…_ ”

She’s putting the final touches to the second tray when she glances up and searches his eyes.

“ _Do you love my son Eirik?_ ”

He gulps, really uncomfortable now, yet he can’t look away.  There’s something compelling about her.  He shakes his head and sighs, realizing he’s never actually uttered those words out loud, because he didn’t want to shackle Isak with the weight of them…  He licks his lips and returns her stare before he murmurs.

“ _Yes…_ ”

Her smile is cautious yet warm when she finally quotes.

“ _It is written in Matthew 16:18: ‘And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I shall build my church…’_ ”

 

 

*****

 

**Tuesday, 12-24-19, 21:31PM**

 

 

They all sit in the high ceiling living room, sipping at more Gløgg.  Marianne and Isak are occupying one of the two taupe colored corduroy sofas while Leah reclines against her father’ shoulder as they lounge on the other one, at opposite ends.  Eirik chose a living chair for himself that faces the crackling fireplace at the head of the arrangement.  An elaborate chandelier and a large mirror perched above the mantelpiece overlook the room.  Beneath it all the Christmas gifts are gathered, waiting to be apportioned.

 

It soon appears that Eirik, due to his strategic position, is expected to serve as the ‘de facto’ celebrant for the ritual…  The gifts, mostly envelopes, are heaped on the twin-headed coffee table.  He leans down and picks the first one which reads.

‘To Marianne, from Terje’

He passes it on to the woman - who tears it open and smiles as she looks at her husband.

“ _A weekend in Paris?_ ”

Her husband replies.

“ _Why not?  You always did like the city…_ ”

Eirik picks up another envelope.

‘To Marianne, from Eirik & Isak’

She smiles again when she sees its content: the digital rights to a copy of the 2014 ‘ _I Go to the Rock_ ’ album by the Oslo Gospel Choir.

‘To Terje, from Marianne.’

The man weights the small package before he opens it and empties its content in his hand.  It’s a simple, worn-out key.  He looks up at his wife and they share a silent moment.  Eirik sees how much Isak is grinning so he guesses Marianne is asking Terje to come back home.

 

The next one is an average looking package destined to Leah, from her parents.  She falls on it like the plague and when she sees its content she squeals.

“ _OMG!  An IPhone 10!!!_ ”

She kisses her dad before she jumps off the sofa and goes to embrace her mother.  Eirik selects another present.

‘To Isak, from Terje & Marianne.’

His boyfriend opens the envelope and Eirik sees what looks like a check.  The lad rises in turn to kiss his thanks.

There’s another one for Leah, from Isak and Eirik.  Her eyes widen and a huge smile stretches across her face.  She holds the plastic card high, ecstatic.

“ _Look Mom, a three thousand kroner gift card at Weekday!_ ”

He can’t help but chuckle when she launches herself off the sofa again and plants a huge smoochy on Isak’s cheek.  Then she turns to Eirik and leans down, a little shy, to peck him in turn.  Finally there are only two gifts left.  Another envelope and one large package wrapped in green paper flecked with snowflakes.  That one is intended for him so he calls.

‘To Eirik, from Isak.’

He unwraps it slowly, reluctant to damage the paper.  He grins, absurdly pleased, when he finally sees the content.  The English edition of Depeche Mode: Monument, a thick coffee table book covering the entire history of his favorite band.  He feels like kissing the lad but… not in front of his parents.  So he lets his eyes do the talking instead.

 

The last present is a white envelope which he passes on to Isak, who licks a smile away when he opens the missive.  There’s only one piece of paper in it upon which Eirik had scrawled a few words.  The boy frowns and looks at him, repeating.

“ _A little get away…?_ ”

Eirik starts laughing, enjoying the puzzlement on the lad’s face.

“ _I have a cabin in the Telemark, at Vrådal…  I was thinking we could go there for a few days before the New Year…_ ”

Isak beams until he remembers he’s been slated to work at the book store almost full time during the holidays.  He ends up scowling and Eirik asks.

“ _Something wrong?_ ”

“ _I’m supposed to replace someone at the Ark, from the 27th ‘till the 31st…_ ”

Eirik shrugs, unperturbed.

“ _The cabin won’t be going anywhere Isak; if not now then later..._ ”

“ _I guess…  I’ll see if I can persuade one of the guys to swap with me.”_

While Leah is engrossed programming her new toy and Isak is speaking quietly with his Mon, Terje sips at his drink, contemplating a point on the floor in front of him.  Eventually he looks up directly at Eirik and says.

“ _I’m not quite clear on your line of work Eirik._ ”

“ _I’m a freelance technical writer.  I worked on a contract with a Fredrik Pedersen down in Fornebu actually, perhaps you know him?_ ”

The man nods.

“ _A lead process engineer in the gas division._ ”

“ _He was my subject matter expert on the compression shift technology, which I wrote in English for the industry’s international audience…_ ”

Terje looks startled before he remarks.

“ _There was piece about it in the ‘Oil & Gas Journal’, in 2013, was that you?_”*6

Eirik shrugs and nods, unassuming.

Isak’s father seems to reconsider him for a while.  Eventually he asks.

“ _What year are you?_ ”

Eirik suppresses a chuckle.  He’s been wondering all evening when the subject would come up.

“ _I’m a ’79._ ”

“ _And Isak is a ’99…_ ”

Eirik becomes aware both his boyfriend and Marianne have stopped talking and are now paying attention to the conversation.  So he nods and replies, unabashed.

“ _Which means he’s of age no?_ ”

The message is clear and Terje takes the hint right away.  And then he looks at his son for a long while until he finally says.

“ _I just don’t want him to be… used._ ”

Isak is staring at his dad like he doesn’t believe it; his father expressing actual concern for him?  Marianne’s soft voice cuts through the frozen scene as she gazes at her husband.

“ _You son is wiser than his years Terje… perhaps you should trust in him…_ ”

The man’s eyes go from his wife to Isak and eventually he produces a rueful little smile, conceding the possibility.

 

*****

 

# Even

 

 

**Friday, 12-27-19, 7:22AM**

 

 

They have been walking the trails of the Tufteparken for at least thirty minutes.  His father calls for a stop as they near the service area at the southern end of the park.  Even remembers having his first beers here in summertime, with his dad, when he was fourteen.  He watches the frosty mist coming forth as they breathe in and out.  Eventually his father straightens and calls a challenge.

“ _What’s the matter pup?  You can’t keep up with your old man?_ ”

 

Even grins at this and quickly gathers some snow which he forms into a ball before sending it flying towards his dad.  Kristian dodges it and then the fight is on!  They run around the deserted cantina, sprinting or lunging to avoid each other’s throws.  Even laughs so hard when he catches his dad’s plexus…  At which point Kristian raises a hand, conceding the battle before he approaches.  He puts both gloved hands on his son’s shoulders and whispers.

“ _You’re here!_ ”

And then he brings Even into a close embrace and repeats, kissing his ear.

“ _You’re here!_ ”

For a moment Even closes his eyes and feels like he’s ten years old again; with his dad there to protect him from anything.  But he’s no longer a child; whatever he chooses to do can hurt his parents and that is the last thing he wants.  He disengages himself and looks back into Kristian’s eyes.

“ _I am so sorry dad!_ ”

His father’ sea-foam eyes scan his every feature and then.

“ _If you ever go down to that point again, promise you’ll call us, no matter what, before doing anything…  Can you promise me that Pup?_ ”

Even bites his lips and nods, unable to say a word.

 

 

**Friday, 12-27-19, 8:19AM**

 

 

They’re walking side by side up Ullevålsveien, intent to reach Vallegata before turning north on Pavel Street.  Even simply enjoys the cold and the quiet comfort of his father’s presence.  After a while Kristian glances his way and asks.

“ _When do you intend to contact him?_ ”

So now Even knows for certain Heidi has told her husband about Isak’s email and about their conversation.  He sighs and replies.

“ _I tried already… but he must’ve changed his number because there’s no service at the one he used to use when we were together…_ ”

He senses his father’s gaze on him but chooses to remain silent.  Eventually the man asks.

“ _Don’t you have common friends who might know how to reach Isak?_ ”

Even makes a face; Eskild would surely know, yet the mere thought of calling him was enough to have him shy away.  They had been close once but Even was well aware of the loyalty Eskild felt for Isak; how he would do anything to protect his ‘little buddy’…  So he shrugs and answers.

“ _There’s an old roommate of his but… I doubt he’ll even want to speak to me._ ”

“ _Yet you don’t really know do you?_ ”

He sighs and looks back at his dad.

“ _No…_ ”

“ _So you have nothing to lose then…right?_ ”

“ _I suppose not…_ ”

 

*****

 

# Isak

 

 

**Friday, 12-27-19, 16:52PM**

 

 

It’s already dark when Eirik parks the rented car in front of a long one-storied red paneled building.  The yellow, white and green sign of the Joker chain hangs above the front entrance.  Isak follows his boyfriend inside, ignoring the curious looks from the locals.  The small village has around two hundred and fifty regular inhabitants, although its population multiplies several times over during spring break and the summer, due to the influx of tourists.  But at this time of year there’s nary a traveler about, hence the scrutiny.  Isak’s eyes roam the shelves and the fridges; this is more a convenience than a grocery store.

 

The stout lady at the counter is smiling when they approach.  She has iron gray hair and lively sky blue eyes above her ruddy cheeks.

“ _Eirik!  We been waitin’ for ya!_ ”  She says in a carrying voice.  Eirik grins, appearing genuinely pleased to see the woman.  He replies.

“ _It’s good to see you Grette.  Is everything ready up there?_ ”

“ _Don’t you be frettin’ now; it’s been cleaned since the last out-of-towners left, there’s plenty o’ wood for fire, the snow’s been shoveled on the patio and the hot tub’s been uncorked like you wanted._ ”

Isak jumps when she swivels halfway towards the backroom and barks.

“ _Morten!  The landlord is here!_ ”

She turns back to them, rolling her eyes as she grumbles.

“ _Always lazing about I tell ya…_ ”

By now Isak is biting on his lower lips not to laugh.  Then the woman glances his way, sizing him up and down.  There’s a gleam in her eyes when she says.

“ _And who’s the lad here?_ ”

Eirik purses his lips to avoid grinning then he extends a hand to introduce them.

“ _Isak this is Grette, she and her husband handle the cabin all year’ round, renting it to tourists unless I come visiting.  She was also my babysitter when I was a kid and spent my summers here.  Grette, this is my friend Isak._ ”

“ _A friend heh?  Aye…_ ”

That sounded very skeptical, as if she already suspected he was more than that.  At which points she adds.

“ _Handsome sprig though!_ ”

Isak’s giggle escapes him before he can help it and she winks.  Then she hollers above her shoulders again.

“ _MORTEN!_ ”

 

A man of average height in denim overalls emerges from the backroom.  He must be in his late fifties or perhaps early sixties for the creases in his face and the white hair.  He looks unperturbed despite his wife’s visible irritation.  He stops before Eirik and extends a calloused hand.

“ _Good to see you Eirik._ ”

“ _Likewise Morten._ ”

“ _I got all the provisions you wanted up there this morning.  And here are the keys._ ”

Eirik pockets them and asks.

“ _How were the last tenants?_ ”

“ _They left before the Holidays – British; a man, his wife and their two kids.  Nice folks._ ”

“ _So how many rentals for this year in total?_ ”

The man scrounges his face, counting under his breath.

“ _Thirty-seven weeks._ ”*7

Eirik looks pleased.  Then he asks.

“ _How much did you spend in maintenance?_ ”

It’s Grette who replies.

“ _About 40,000kr* 8; with the taxes, gas, hydro, some repairs – there were a couple of windows that needed replaicin…  You’ll be gettin the full accounting of it by mail next month._”

Eirik nods a grin.

“ _Not bad at all!_ ”

Grette beams and Morten smiles in turn.  Isak can see he’s missing a front tooth when he says.

“ _Aye it’s been a good year._ ”

“ _Well then it’s time we were off.  Thanks for everything folks and we’ll drop by before we return to Oslo._ ”

 

 

*****

 

 

They’re making their way up the hills towards the cabin and Isak can’t help chuckling whilst he remembers Grette and Morten.  Then something occurs to him and he turns to Eirik.

“ _Grette seems very familiar with you..._ ”

Eirik smiles at that.

“ _My mother bought the cabin when I was one year old.  She needed someone to keep the place clean and look after me.  So, she went down to the village early that summer and spoke to the man who ran Markedet – that was the name of the Joker store before they became a concession.  It turns out he was Grette’s father.  He suggested his younger daughter as candidate and Mom took a liking to the ‘stout girl with a big heart’, as she used to describe her._ ”

He chuckles and goes on.

“ _Mom wasn’t exactly a housekeeper…  Not that she was a snob or anything but she just preferred spending her time other than in cleaning or cooking.  You see Grette wasn't just a maid; she would take me everywhere with her, showing me the village and its people, including a much younger Morten she was already dating at the time...  Mom trusted her implicitly and in time she became more like an older sister than an employee; that's why there are no formalities between us._ ”

“ _But what’s the deal with the cabin?  You said they manage it for you…_ ”

“ _Yep… They rent it, maintain it, take care of the bills and we split the profits fifty-fifty._ ”

“ _Half the rents go to them?!?_ ”

“ _Think about it; I’m in Oslo most of the time, I can’t travel here every weekend to do what they do… so all in all I think it’s a good deal.  Besides, with that kind of arrangement they think of the cabin as theirs so it encourages them to care for it far better than if I went through a professional agency._ ”

 

 

*****

 

 

**Friday, 12-27-19, 18:07PM**

 

 

Finally they stop next to a large two story grey-tinted pine covered house and Isak stares, astonished.  When Eirik first mentioned a cabin he’d assumed something like a one bedroom… actual cabin but not this!*9  He shakes off his stupor and gets out of the car to help his boyfriend carry in their packs and the supplies they brought from Oslo.

 

As soon as they walk in Eirik kicks off his boots and removes the heavy socks he wears.  Isak grins at this and imitates him; he’s taken the man’s habit of walking barefoot whenever he can.  And it feels particularly good here, where the floors were made of unvarnished blond pine.  As a matter of fact the whole place is wooden, glowing warmly whenever light falls on its surfaces.  In the kitchen they empty the crates of food, mostly wine and some of the things you can’t hope to find in the country, such as Basmati rice.

 

After that Eirik shows him around.  On the ground floor, besides the kitchen, there’s a public bathroom and the living room, which boasts a large stone fireplace.  There’s also a guest bedroom with its own private bathroom.  On the second floor the master bedroom with yet another bathroom, along with a room for kids, complete with a bunk bed.  Finally in the basement there’s an actual fucking sauna!  Isak smiles as he takes in the place and Eirik comes behind him, putting both hands around his waist.  The man kisses his neck and whispers.

“ _Do you know how hot it is to fuck in here when the heat is on?_ ”

Isak licks his lips and replies, teasing.

“ _I’m sure you can’t wait to show me…_ ”

His boyfriend grabs him by the crotch and bites his ear.

“ _You can bet your sweet little ass on it._ ”

Woa!  Now that’s what he calls a promising start to their weekend!  Normally Eirik is all about restraint and waiting for him to indicate what he wants but here…  Isak has to admit he finds this more forceful approach quite exciting.

 

They make their way back to the kitchen and Eirik opens a bottle of Chardonnay from which he pours two glasses.  Isak savors the buttery taste of the wine.  Living with his boyfriend is proving to be an education in many things, such as reading something other than science manuals, or drinking wine rather than beer, or cooking; yes he’s learning how to cook!  And the man was right, there’ something really relaxing about it.  For instance now they’re both quietly busy at the counter.  Eirik is preparing the salmon, coating it with olive oil and fresh dill, with a dash of pepper and rosemary.  For his part Isak is handling the rice and the veggies.  Well you have to start somewhere!  And it’s better than the canned soups and bare sandwiches he could manage when he lived with Eskild or Jonas!

 

 

*****

 

 

**Friday, 12-27-19, 19:51PM**

  

 

They’re both enjoying their meal in comfortable silence.  The salmon was so tender it melted in the mouth and Eirik had complimented him on his contribution: lemon rice topped with Brussels sprouts stir-fried in sesame oil with garlic and ginger.  Isak pours more wine for both of them and says.

“ _Why is it that Grette seemed to know we were more than just friends?_ ”

Eirik laughs at this and his eyes crease as he looks at him fondly.

“ _She's never asked any questions about this directly but then again I’ve never come up here with a girl, not once.  These are simple folks Isak but they’re not stupid!_ ”

“ _So… were there many guys then?_ ”

“ _Are you jealous?_ ”

“Maybe a little…”

Eirik laughs again and grabs the lad’s hand, bringing the palm to his lips.

“ _There’s no reason to be…  The only one who came here several times is Andreas and you already know about that…_ ”

Isak mulls this over for a moment until he asks.

“ _Did you ever love him at some point?_ ”

Eirik sighs and gulps some more wine before he looks away, contemplating.

“ _You shouldn’t confuse ‘loving someone’ with ‘being in love with someone’…  At the time, when we first met, I thought I was in love with him… until I realized our thing was a complete physical infatuation…_ ”

Isak tilts his head, raising an eyebrow.  Eirik stares back at him, entirely serious.

“ _I love Andreas like a brother, and when we were together we had an incredible chemistry in bed; but I’m not in love with him…_ ”

He takes another sip off his glass and adds, staring directly into the boy's eyes.

“ _I’m in love with you…_ ”

 

Isak's breath catches and he swallows.  He's entranced by what he sees in the man's luminous gaze.  So it's true then...  He's often wondered privately about the exact nature of Eirik's feelings.  He knew it was something strong, made of deep affection, the desire to protect and mentor him, not to mention their mutual sexual attraction...  He licks his lips and remarks in a quiet voice.

" _This is the first time you actually say it..._ "

The man suddenly appears self-conscious, as if he'd let slip something he shouldn't have.  But then he looks back squarely and replies.

" _I didn't want to put any pressure on you, considering the circumstances...  But I won't lie and pretend otherwise... for the first time since Andy I'm in love with someone and that's you..._ "

Isak lets out a slow breath.  He feels like something is beginning to glow inside him, something he hasn't felt in quite a while...  He clasps Eirik's hand and their fingers lace together.

 

 

*****

 

 

**Friday, 12-27-19, 23:44PM**

 

 

They’re lounging naked on one of the sofas in the living room, facing the fireplace where a blaze is crackling.  The slow battle between shadows and light plays out on their skin.  Isak is so relaxed he feels he could melt, just like the salmon form earlier.  Their hands roam over each other, as languid as their exploring tongues; merely relishing their nearness…  Tonight isn’t one for noisy Olympics at every corner of the place; he doesn’t even feel the urge to climax.  All they want is to be close; to smell and touch and taste each other…  And so they fall asleep like that, in the arms of one another, until much later when they wake up and retire upstairs in the master bedroom.

 

 

*****

 

 

**Monday, 12-30-19, 14:15PM**

 

 

They are cruising east on European Highway 134 and the sun is behind them already.  They should pass through Kongsberg in about fifteen minutes.  After that it’ll be a little over an hour until they reach Oslo. Isak’s slanted head rests against the cold window of the passenger door.  The hint of a smile plays on his lips as he watches the landscape without seeing it, completely lost in the memories of the weekend.

 

The first thing they did last Friday, after dropping Froki and his ‘vacation kit’ at Andreas’s, was to shut down their phones.  They wanted a break away from their lives so there would be nothing to distract them.  The following days were devoted exclusively to indulging themselves; eating, drinking, lounging about, walking outside around the area, sleeping, in no particular order.  Oh and making out in the hot tub, on the patio overlooking lake Nisser, under a gibbous moon when it’s minus ten at night is awesome!  All that and fucking of course…  And Eirik had been right about doing it in the sauna… Jesus that was hot, in every senses of the word.

 

But nothing had quite prepared him for last night…  Sex, for those who enjoy it, is like cash; the more you have the more you want.  They were getting ready to start preparing dinner yet he was gulping wine and turning around Eirik like a tomcat in heat.  Eventually the man stopped peeling carrots and turned around to look at him with a little smile.  One of his eyebrows rose, a question.  Isak responded by rubbing the palm of his hand on the thick flaccid rod he saw molding the fabric of his sweatpants.  Neither of them had been wearing any underwear since they arrived at the villa.  Eirik palmed the lad’s butts the way he did, slightly lifting him up the ground.  Then he said.

“ _What a naughty little boy you are._ ”

Isak licked his upper lips, boring into the man’s eyes.

“ _I want to fuck!_ ”

Eirik chukled.

“ _We’ve been doing that all weekend…_ ”

“ _I don’t want to make love Eirik, I want you to take me like I was some stranger you met on Grindr or in a sauna…_ ”

“ _Why?_ ”

“Because I want to see that side of you I haven’t seen yet: the greedy dominant top you used to be when you were a sex addict.”

He could see Eirik’s pupils dilating.  He was getting turned on by the idea.  Then he asked.

“ _What about flashbacks?_ ”

“ _So long as you don’t touch my throat I think I can manage rough…_ ”

Eirik studies him for a moment and then.

“ _If there’s anything you will tell me right?_ ”

Isak nods and the man jerks his chin.

“ _Get up there and get ready._ ”

 

 

By getting ready Eirik meant emptying his bowels and taking an Enema, something he had discovered with his boyfriend, alongside manscaping.  It’s time consuming but essential when you plan on a long ride.  And it feels really good after the first few times.  When he was done they took a shower together and the fun began in earnest…

 

One thing about Eirik is that he approaches sex just like he does food: with relish; not like a glutton but more like an epicurean.  He enjoys all phases of the process, the leading-up to, the deed itself and the after effects.  Anyone with two brain cells rubbing together can learn how to stimulate erogenous zones, but it takes someone sufficiently intelligent and intuitive to understand what sex truly is: a construct of the mind.  Once you realize that, the possibilities to induce and sustain desire are… infinite.  And Eirik knew him well enough by now to create a fantasy that really got Isak going.

 

He was kneeling, looking up when the man commanded him to suck his cock.  But he didn’t just want a blow job, he wanted to be deepthroated.  Isak obeyed to the point of gagging and all the while Eirik looked down at him with an impassible face, eyes detached, which spurred him to redouble his efforts.  The man told him to breathe when he was going down and he complied, it made the job easier.  Still the effort of it had him in tears at times, and saliva constantly dribbled from the corners of his conquered mouth.  Eirik held the boy’s jaw in one large hand, sustaining him as he labored; the picture of a monarch holding judgment.

 

Then came the feast.  Isak was on his back with his legs spread out on Eirik’s shoulders while the man’s face was buried in his ass.  He could feel the stubbles of the five o’clock shadow chafing at his inner thighs while the wet tongue went from diving deep into his anus to slurping at his balls and back again.  Sometimes Eirik would swallow his dick entire or bite at his butts before resuming his noisy stay at the trough.  He was grunting like a wild board rooting for truffles.  And all the while he was massaging the lad’s hole with his thumbs, loosening both the outer and inner muscles.

 

After that the wild hunt began and all Isak’s wishes were granted.  He was taken in every possible position Eirik could think of.  He was plowed and drilled.  He was used like an object, a fucktoy for Eirik’s enjoyment.  Sometimes the man would come down, sucking at his mouth, and Isak latched on to him like he was dying of thirst.  The both came twice until he ended up on his back again, with Eirik hovering over him, mouth open, pounding him at ramming speed.  His pupils were so dilated as to make his eyes seem altogether black.  By then Isak had reached a point where both pain and pleasure were subsumed into something else, something greater.  Time seemed to slow down and he watched as sweat sheened on Eirik’s upper lips, glistened on his hairy chest, fell in droplets from his armpits…  The sounds coming from their mouths were foreign things, no longer associated with who they were… because at that point they were nothing but rhythm made flesh.

 

And yet… none of what came before that moment mattered when Eirik finally erupted inside him for the third time.  The moment he spurted, when the thick semen gushed out in rapid-fire jets on Isak’s prostate, the boy exploded as well, arching his back as he drowned in white noise, lifted above himself to a place where the great divide that forever separates people is abolished.  His moaning and screaming ‘God’ in a broken voice felt like the crack of thunder after a flash of lightning…  And then Eirik collapsed next to him.  Both of them trembled as they cooled down, shivering as if caught up in the aftershock of a quake…  They rested side by side in silence, looking into each other’s eyes, brothers in arms abandoned on a forgotten battlefield.  Wasn’t it ironic that what started as raw sex turned into some transcendental thing?

 

Isak foregoes his idle scrutiny of the passing acreages of forest and gazes back at his boyfriend in silence.  The man is hidden behind a pair of aviator ray-ban sunglasses, concentrated on the road ahead.  Still it’s not long before Eirik feels the weight of the stare and turns to him, smiling.

“ _What?_ ”

Isak shakes his head, breathless.

“ _Nothing…_ ”

 

 

*****

 

 

They’re almost at Drammen when he remembers to power his phone back on.  That’s when he’s assaulted by several dings and buzzes; texts and voice messages, all from Eskild, asking him where he was, demanding a response!  Jesus!  He dials Eskild’s number and it doesn’t take three rings before there’s an answer.

 

 **Eskild** : “ _Where the fuck were you?_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _Calm down!  What’s going on?_ ”

 **Eskild** : “ _I’ve been trying to reach you for three days and all I got was your fucking voicemail!_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _I was out of town with Eirik… now we’re on our way back; we should be in Oslo in about forty minutes or so…_ ”

 **Eskild** : “ _Do you have any idea who called me last Friday, asking for you?_ ”

Isak frowns at this.  Could it be Jonas?  Nah… of course not, he has his number.  He shrugs and says.

 **Isak** : “ _I don’t know Eskild, some secret admirer…?_ ”

 **Eskild** : “ _Even… He’s back in Oslo Isak…_ ”

 

All of a sudden he feels cold.  Now… after all he’s been through; after he’s made peace with himself…  Why the fuck now!?!  Even…  The very name sounds like a forgotten song…  He breathes out and asks.

 

 **Isak** : “ _What did he want?_ ”

 **Eskild** : “ _He doesn’t have your new number so…_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _Did he say anything?_ ”

 **Eskild** : “ _Just that he needed to see you…_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _And what did you reply to that?_ ”

 **Eskild** : “ _That I would talk to you first of course!_ ”

 

Isak closes his eyes.  Jesus Fucking Christ!  And then he remembers his email; is that why Even came back?  He becomes immobile when something dawns on him.  Was that what he wanted when he sent it?

 

 **Isak** : “ _Did he still have the same number?_ ”

 **Eskild** : “ _Yeah…  What will you do?_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _I don’t know… but if he calls again tell him I got the message alright?_ ”

 **Eskild** : “ _Ok…_ ”

 

He hangs up and closes his eyes, breathing in deeply.  Eirik’s voice is worried when he wonders.

“ _What’s wrong?_ ”

“ _Even is in Oslo… he wants to see me…_ ”

The man falls silent and Isak looks back at him.  He notices how rigid Eirik’s jaw is.

“ _Do you think I should meet him?_ ”

A single bark escapes his boyfriend’s lips.

“ _Ah!  That’s the one question I can’t help you with Isak…_ ”

 

 

**********

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brunost>
>   * <http://mylittlenorway.com/norwegian-christmas/glogg/>
>   * <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Statoil>
>   * Heatlth, Safety & Environment Manager
>   * Assuming 1,5MKr – 162294 Euros or 176203 US Dollars
>   * <http://www.ogj.com/index.html>
>   * At 1500 Euros a week that is a revenue of 55,500 Euros or 514,268Kr for the year.
>   * 40,000Kr = 4317 Euros or 4682 US Dollars.
>   * <http://www.mysecondhome.co.uk/property/norway/telemark/vradal/5826-furuheim-vradal>
> 



	19. Far From Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything that has a beginning has an end...
> 
> _____
> 
> The tracks for this final chapter are:
> 
> For Isak - 'Heaven' by Troy Sivan*1
> 
>  
> 
> <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VNV__mV38s>
> 
>  
> 
> For Even - 'Do What You Have to Do' by Sarah MacLaclan
> 
>  
> 
> <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjn4we-6ol4>

# Isak

 

 

**Monday, 12-30-19, 18:36PM**

 

 

Isak is pushing and shoving his fork in the plate without any real intent; he’s just going through the motions.  Earlier, after entering the city, they dropped by at Andreas’ to recuperate Froki.  Their friend invited them for drinks or even dinner out but neither of them was in that sort of mood so instead Eirik stopped at Den Gode*2 on Fredensborgveien to get a large kebab pizza.  There is nothing wrong with the meal, it’s actually quite good, but the silence between them is lengthening, almost to the point of being oppressive.  Isak reflects they’ve lived together for four months now and this is the first time where he’s ever felt uncomfortable around his roommate.  Eventually he can’t take it anymore so he asks.

“ _Won’t you talk to me?_ ”

Eirik looks up and smiles, yet there’ something apologetic about it.  He goes on munching on another bite until he washes it down with some of the Chilean red they’re having tonight.  Then he sighs.

“ _I’m sorry for not being more talkative…_ ”  He licks his lips and asks.  “ _When do you intend to meet him?_ ”

Not if, when…

“ _So you think I should?_ ”

“ _It’s not my place to decide for you Isak… but it’s quite obvious you have questions for him…  I mean that email you sent last month…  It was not just a simple farewell…_ ”

Isak swallows, his food forgotten.  What is he supposed to reply to that?  He doesn’t even recognize his own emotions right now!  He wants Eirik to reassure him like he always knows how to; he wants to understand why he’s feeling so… torn between what once was, what is and what could be.

“ _But if you were in my place, what would you do?_ ”

Eirik takes another sip of his wine before answering.

“ _Honestly I don’t know… I’ve never been in that kind of situation.  I mean when Andy died we were still very much in love._ ”  He sighs again.  “ _I suppose the closest thing is when Andreas and I decided to split up… but that was a common decision and we remained friends afterwards…_ ”

Isak forks a piece of pizza.  It’s barely warm anymore but he doesn’t care.  He chews to have something to do.  Eirik’s voice is considerate when he adds.

“ _The real question is not what you should do but what you want out of this…_ ”

“ _I… I guess I’m curious… about what he did, how it was for him in New-York during all that time…_ ” 

He falls silent for a moment and then.

“ _I want to know why he really broke up!_ ”

Eirik nods and smiles once more.  Isak is so focused on his dilemma he doesn’t notice the melancholic expression that comes over his boyfriend’s face until the man says.

“ _There you go, that’s a start…_ ”

Isak finally catches the subtle traces of worry lacing the man’s tone.  He realizes how this must sound to him; the guy you’re in love with being all anxious to meet with his ex…

“ _Eirik…I didn’t mean…_ ”

The man stands and calls.

“ _Come here._ ”

Isak goes to him and Eirik enfolds him in a close embrace.  He kisses the lad’s hair and murmurs.

“ _Every story needs closure, one way or another.  Perhaps you and I met only so I could help you prepare for this moment…_ ”

His voice breaks when the boy exclaims.

“ _That’s not true!_ ”

“ _Shhh…_ ” 

They stay like this for a while, until one hand gently forces him to look up and Eirik says.

“ _I love you Isak, no matter what happens remember that._ ”

 

 

*****

 

 

**Monday, 12-30-19, 20:19PM**

 

 

He’s alone in his room and the door is closed.  He lies on his bead, fidgeting with the phone…  He has no fucking clue what to do…  No… that’s not it.  He knows but he’s just afraid to do it; perhaps it’s time to have a chat with his guru.  He dials Eskild’s number.

 

 **Eskild** : “ _Hey little buddy!_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _Hi…_ ”

 **Eskild** : “ _Ok… you don’t sound so happy… did you call him?_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _Not yet…_ ”

 **Eskild** : “ _And… hum… how is Eirik…?_ ”

Isak closes his eyes and bites his lips.

 **Isak** : “ _He’s the best boyfriend you could wish for…_ ”

 **Eskild** : “ _Hey… talk to me Isak…_ ”

His emotions threaten to get the better of him.  After a few seconds he says.

 **Isak** : “ _I want to see Even, to get answers but… it feels like I’m betraying Eirik somehow…_ ”

 **Eskild** : “ _Did you talk to him about it?_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _Yeah… he says I need closure and that he’ll love me whatever happens…_ ”

Eskild lets out a deep sigh.

 **Eskild** : “ _You know I wasn’t sure about him at first, with the age difference and all… but he’s really good for you Isak… that’s the kind of guy who won’t let you down, no matter what…_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _I know…_ ”

 **Eskild** : “ _And I think Eirik’s right… both you and Even need some sort of closure.  When I spoke to him he sounded… almost desperate; he practically begged for your number but there was no way I’d give it without talking to you first…_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _So you think I should call then?_ ”

 **Eskild** : “ _It’s better to know… even if it’s difficult._ ”

 **Isak** : “ _Ok… thank you Eskild._ ”

 **Eskild** : “ _No worries baby bro_ _:D_ _”_

 

 

*****

 

 

**Monday, 12-30-19, 21:08PM**

 

 

Isak’s head rests on his right arm as he keeps staring at the screen of his phone; he notices just now how Eirik and Even are sitting side by side in his contact list.  It’s amazing he’s never dialed Even by mistake…  His thumb hovers over the entry.  He wants answers but… what if he discovers he wants more when he sees him?  Fuck it!  Dial.  The call is picked up after five rings.

 

 **Even** : “ _Hi…_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _Hi…_ ”

There is a long pause and he can hear Even’s slow breathing.  He swallows and says.

 **Isak** : “ _I was out of the city for the weekend... the phones were off so... I only got Eskild’s avalanche of texts and voice messages this afternoon…_ ”

There’s a low chuckle at the other end of the line.

 **Even** : “ _It’s good to hear your voice…_ ”

Isak licks his lips.  Why is he so febrile all of a sudden?

 **Isak** : “ _What did you want Even?_ ”

He winces, that was more abrupt than he intended.  His ex clears his throat and sounds hesitant when he replies.

 **Even** : “ _Hum... since I’m in town… I was wondering if perhaps you’d like to go for coffee…_ ”

Coffee in public; yeah that’s definitely a much safer plan than being alone together.  But right then he thinks of something else.

 **Isak** : “ _How about grabbing burgers at the Laundromat 3, around 13:00PM tomorrow?_”

He can just picture the grin on Even’s face when he replies.  The place used to be one of their favorites.

 **Even** : “ _You’re on!_ ”

 **Isak** : “ _So… I’ll see you tomorrow then._ ”

 **Even** : “ _YES!  Sweet dreams! ;)_ ”

 

Isak snorts after hanging up.  Always so fucking facetious…  Yet for some reason he can’t help the smile creeping up on his face.  He wonders how much Even has changed; one hand goes to his piercing and he chuckles at the face his ex will make when he sees it.  Then the realization hits him like a slap in the face. 

 

‘You’re like a schoolboy with a crush, so eager to meet him; the same guy who dumped you and left you in the lurch for a year.  Meanwhile, down in the living room, your actual boyfriend is watching a movie alone; the man who took you in when you needed it, the man who’s always there for you no matter what…  What the fuck is wrong with you Isak, are you a masochist?!?’

 

A wave of guilt washes over him, all the keener that he *was/is* looking forward to seeing Even…  And to think that at the same time last night he and Eirik were riding high in Vrådal…  He tosses his phone aside, disgusted with himself, and makes his way downstairs.

 

 

*****

 

# Andreas

 

 

**Tuesday, 12-31-19, 12:37PM**

 

 

They sit at a small table towards the rear end of the narrow place.  Eirik loves the Swan*4, a beautiful little wine pub on Karl Johan’s Avenue.  It used to be an old pharmacy and the owners kept the original furniture of dark cherry wood.  Andreas stares at the waiter, visibly impatient as the man fusses over the bottle Eirik ordered, handling it with more care than a dowager with her jewelry! 

 

First he presents it to his patron for inspection then he uncorks it and deposits the cork in front of Eirik, who in turn examines it before sniffing.  After his friend nods the waiter fills an elongated decanter with the entirety of the bottle.  He then pours a sampling and Andreas watches as Eirik swirls the liquid before sipping at it.  With one final nod the waiter turns to him and fills his glass before returning to his friend, doing the same.

 

After the man has left them Andreas looks at Eirik who sits there, eyes closed, breathing in the bouquet.  He shakes his head and picks up his own glass.  When he brings it closer though…  He’s not an aficionado by any means but even he can tell immediately this isn’t your run-of-the-mill Italian; the fragrance is rich with smells of spices, pepper and tobacco.  It wafts towards the nose like a promise of untold wealth…  And when he sips at it Andreas has to admit, the depth of layers he perceives on his palate is… astounding!  He savors the treat a while longer before he asks, lifting his glass by the stem.

“ _What are we celebrating exactly?  Because I don’t think even New Year’s Eve deserves this._ ”

Eirik chuckles and says.

“ _What you are drinking is a Biondi Santi 1975* 5, one of the best vintage ever produced in Italy during the late XXth century._”

The older man samples his wine once more.

“ _I bought this from them over three years ago.  They agreed to keep it in their cellar.  I was saving it for a special occasion._ ”

“ _How much did you pay for it?_ ”

“ _About fifteen thousand kroner…_ ”*6

Andreas stares, stunned.

“ _What?_ ”

“ _It’s worth it, isn’t it?_ ”

Then Eirik starts chuckling and confides.

“ _The weekend in Vrådal was amazing…_ ”

Andreas’ ears prick at that, he senses something else is at work; it’s the cheerful tone in his friend’s voice – it sounded forced.

“ _Alright tell me what’s going on!  You guys looked glum yesterday when you stopped by to pick up the cat… did you fight?_ ”

The older man quaffs down what’s left of his forty four year old vintage and puts the glass down.

“ _No… quite the contrary…_ ”

The corners of Eirik’s eyes crease at the memory.  Then he stares back at him and adds.

“ _Isak’s ex, Even, is back in town…  As a matter of fact, Isak is on his way to meet him right now…_ ”

Right… so this is serious then.  He prompts.

“ _Why don’t you start from the beginning…_ ”

Eirik pours for him then he refills his own glass before he replies.

“ _There’s not that much to tell really… Isak sent the guy an email last month – to inform him he was with me and make their breakup official…_ ”

 

At that moment, the waiter chooses to return with the plate of cheeses, cold cuts and croutons they had ordered.  He places it in front of them, along with the dishes, utensils and serviettes before retreating again.  Both men fill up their plates and start nibbling at the food in silence until Andreas, frowning, remarks.

“ _This doesn’t make sense!  When you’re over a relationship you don’t waste time writing emails to someone you haven’t heard from in months!_ ”

Eirik raises his gas in salute and opines.

“ _Exactly.  It looks like you were right after all, about the strength of their bond…_ ”

Andreas cocks his head and asks.

“ _Is this why we’re here, drinking this ridiculously expensive wine?  Because you believe Isak will get back with his ex?_ ”

Eirik shrugs, resignation written all over him.  Andreas shakes his head.

“ _This isn’t like you to get discouraged…  Do you remember our discussion about Sun Tzu?_ ”

His friend makes a face.

“ _Andreas we’re not in ‘House of Cards’!” 7  Isak isn’t a pawn for me to manipulate…_”

He tosses aside the crouton he was tasting and swallows more of the exclusive wine, like a man wanting to get drunk fast.  After a while Eirik focuses on him again.

“ _I’ve been honest with him about my emotions.  That’s why when Isak asked me what he should do I told him it wasn’t my place to say…  He has to decide what he wants for himself, so that there are no regrets afterwards…_ ”

Andreas sighs as he munches on his small sandwich.  His friend could be such a romantic fool!  There will be regrets after, no matter which way the lad chooses to go!  And something else too.  He stares back at Eirik and says.

“ _Regrets are an essential component of happiness Eirik…_ ”

 

*****

 

# Even

 

 

**Tuesday, 12-31-19, 13:02PM**

 

 

He sits in the padded yellow chair he used to favor when he was a regular at the Laundromat, the one on the second floor, next to a window in the library area.  His long legs are extended under the small side tables separating his from the plain red chair facing him.  He’s lounging there, arms folded, hands laced behind his head, gazing out at the Bislett Stadium.  He appears utterly relaxed on the surface yet inside he’s practically quivering from anxiety.

 

He woke up a little after six this morning, immediately alert, anticipating today’s meeting.  Eskild had promised to pass on his message last Friday, but after the whole weekend went by without any news he had essentially given up on his stupid notion of speaking to him, the man of his life.  That’s why he couldn’t believe it when his phone rang last night: ‘ _IValtersen_ ’ calling.  For a moment he stood there, paralyzed, heart racing in his chest, until finally he answered; and there he was, just a breath away: Isak…

 

Even checks the wall clock above him every thirty seconds or so, toying absentmindedly with the strings of his burgundy sweatshirt.  He had said around 13:00PM and it’s almost 13:15PM; he must have been delayed…

“ _Halla…_ ”

Even’s heart stops when he recognizes the voice; he quickly looks up.  And there stands Isak… cinched in a Navy Blue double breasted woolen pea coat and wrapped in a matching scarf of a paler hue.  A tuft of burnished blond hair is trying to escape his steel grey beanie.  The cheeks are red from the cold but the eyes are lively yet serious…  Even is breathless, he simply can’t stop staring!  How could he have almost forgotten how fucking beautiful Isak is?!  Finally he comes out of his daze and swallows, breathing out.

“ _Halla._ ”

 

He sits straighter, feeling somewhat awkward while Isak drops in the red chair and removes his woolen hat, revealing the new hairdo: a tongue of thick wavy strands on top with the sides shaved to the skin.  And…what was that?  Even grins when he notices the piercing on the younger man’s right eyebrow.

“ _You got a barbell?!?_ ”

Isak flushes a muted pink and this time it’s not because of the cold.  He nods.

“ _Yeah… you like it?_ ”

The way he bites away a shy smile on those lips…  God the sense of déjà vu is dizzying, and the urge to lean in closer to steal a kiss is so powerful he has to grip the sides of his chair.  He lets out a slow breath and nods a smile instead.

“ _I love the new look!_ ”

Isak flashes a quick grin and retorts.

“ _Yours isn’t bad either… you almost look like Chris Hemsworth…_ ”

“ _Ah!  I’m far better looking than him!_ ”

His ex rolls his eyes and snorts.

“ _Pfff… you wish!_ ”

 

Even marvels at how easy it is to fall back into their old banter, despite being out of touch for months!  He feels elated.  His boy is still responsive to his humor and he’s relaxing already.  So he rises while both eyebrows shoot up.

“ _Food now or beer first?_ ”

Another small giggle, louder this time.

“ _Definitely beer!_ ”

 

 

**Tuesday, 12-31-19, 13:43PM**

 

 

They’ve transferred downstairs into the dining area and are facing each other and their meals.  When the waitress came for their orders Even went with his usual ‘ _Lucky Bastard_ ’*8, he was starving, whereas Isak chose the ‘ _Classic_ ’*8 with chicken meat.  They ordered a couple of Pilsners to go along with it.  The first few minutes they spend in silence, devoted to their food.  Even keeps stealing glances at his ex; he stifles a smile watching him being so meticulous when grabbing the sandwich or wiping the excess aioli from the corners of his mouth with a napkin.  Sometimes Isak looks up, lips perking while he’s chewing on a bite and Even is gripped with wonder all over again.  God!  He just can’t get enough of him!  How did he manage to stay away this long?  How could he ever imagine spending the rest of his life without his boy?!?

 

Isak takes a long swig of his beer and burps.

“ _Sorry._ ”

Even laughs out loud.  He feels giddy… because he’s alive, because he’s here in his home city, because his forever-lover sits not a meter away, being his adorable self.  He leans in, squeezing Isak’s hand in his own, eyes intent, and insists.

“ _Do you have any idea how much I fucking missed you?_ ”

The boy is startled and his playful grin fades away.  Those large deep moss eyes become wary.  Even’s euphoria begins to evaporate.  Did he say something wrong?  That’s when Isak licks his lower lips and replies.

“ _Then why did you dump me?_ ”

He’s completely serious now and Even goes stone cold from the realization: that’s why Isak agreed to a meeting in the first place, so he could get an answer to that one question.  He releases his ex’s hand and straightens in the chair.

“ _That’s a long story… not one I’ll tell in public._ ”  He clears his throat and then.

“ _My parents are visiting Mom’ sister in Fredrikstad, they won’t be back until tomorrow.  Come over with me and I’ll explain everything._ ”

Isak searches his face for a long moment until he finally nods.

“ _Ok…  Let’s go._ ”

 

*****

 

# Isak

 

 

**Tuesday, 12-31-19, 14:52PM**

 

 

There was an awkward moment there, after he agreed to go home with Even.  His ex had wanted to pay for the tab but Isak refused.  They took the 21 up Louises Street and got off at the corner of Ullevålsveien.  Neither of them spoke much during the bus ride; mostly banalities about the differences in weather between Oslo and New-York.  Now they are making their way on foot towards the Bech Naesheim residence.  To break the earlier silence Isak asks questions about Even’s life in New-York and it doesn’t take long for his ex to become animated once more.

 

Isak glances at him every once in a while as they pace along the sidewalk.  He’s telling him how punk and hip-hop were born in the Big Apple; how you can travel the world without leaving the five boroughs by sampling food from every corner of the planet; and speaking of food, how you can eat pretty much anything at any time: you have a craving for pierogis at 4:00AM?  Head over to Vesalka in the East Village which is open 24/7; how toilet paper and air-conditioning were invented in New-York; how it boasts the highest concentration of theaters in the world; how it’s a movie buff’s paradise with its retro, arty, indie or even dine-and-drink theaters…  Even turns to him with that wide-eyed devil-may-care grin and says.

“ _New-York is simply the greatest city in the World!_ ”

And in that moment, because he swears it in that voice, Isak believes him.  Yet he has to ask.

“ _But why?  What makes it so different?_ ”

Even lets out a gleeful chuckle, closing his eyes as he takes a deep breath then looks away.

“ _Because…  New-York isn’t just a city, a place with tall buildings and lots of people… it’s… an idea – a projection of our desires and fantasies, like Paris or California or Byzantium long ago…  Anything can happen in New-York; it’s an icon… and I think you can’t help but want to graft you own identity onto that image._ ”

 

Without him noticing a new smile has formed on Isak’s lips.  Listening to Even is like hearing a story you thought was nothing but gossip and discovering it’s actually true.  That is the guy’s greatest gift: the charisma that draws you in and keeps you entranced, at least for a while.  And that’s not something born out of deceit either… No… Isak’s eyes suddenly widen at the epiphany.  Even would have been naturally charming no matter what but… being bipolar… he has learned to live moment by moment, and that is what gave him the power to imbue those moments with such intensity as to become compelling to anyone orbiting around him.  That's why living next to him was so exciting; why kissing him or having sex with him felt so thrilling; why loving him was so easy! When he was on his up cycle that is...

 

*****

 

**Tuesday, 12-31-19, 15:37PM**

 

 

Isak smiles as he follows his ex into the house; the hints of citrus and mint, Heidi’s hallmark, welcome him like old friends.  Even looks at him and asks.

“ _Do you want more beer or you’d rather have some tea?_ ”

“ _Just tea, thanks._ ”

 

He drops his haversack near the door and removes his boots while Even makes for the distant kitchen.  Isak wanders closer to the mantelpiece, wanting to look at the pictures gathered there.  There’s Heidi and Kristian, recently married, looking cool and relaxed, even then; another with Heidi and an infant Even in her arms; then Even proudly holding snow shoes as tall as he was at six years old; his ex again, at fifteen, grinning with one arm wrapped around the shoulders of a dark haired and grey eyed boy whom Isak knew was Anders, the first boyfriend; the last one is of them both, during Even’s Russefeiring in May 2017, where he wore the red uniform and lounged against a wall, arms folded around Isak’s waist.  Not that long ago and yet it felt so far back!

 

Isak notices there are no pictures with Sonja… even though she and Even were together longer than he ever was with any of his boyfriends…  He is so absorbed by the stream of memories he doesn’t hear his ex returning, or coming closer, not until he feels two hands clutching at his shoulders.  He tenses up yet the older boy simply massages him without a word, and soon he relaxes again.  Eventually Even’s lips brush his right ear and he repeats, very low.

“ _God I missed you…_ ”

Isak shivers and turns around to bury his head in the crook of his ex’s arms, breathing in the smell of him.  There are tears threatening in the corner of his eyes when he murmurs.

“ _I missed you too…_ ”

He doesn’t know how long they hold on to each other like this but at some point the whistle of a kettle draws them back to reality.

 

*****

 

Every now and then Isak sips at his Chai as he listens to Even speaking of his life in America.  He becomes more attentive when his ex recalls his first meeting with Claire.

“ _She teaches ‘Forms of Drama’ and ‘Craft’, both requirements for the freshmen whose concentration his Dramatic Writing.  I chose them as electives because I wanted to get a solid grasp on creative thinking and dramatic construction.  Anyway… the first assignment she gave us was to write an essay on Romeo & Juliet; lucky me since it’s sort of my thing…_”

Isak grins at this while Even combs his hair out of his eyes and gulps down some more of the cooling tea.  Then he goes on.

“ _So I wrote a thirty page analysis on Luhrmann’s adaptation of the play and his usage of water as a metaphor and narrative device to convey a desire for clarity and truth…_ ”

He looks at him and chortles.

“ _I know this shit bores you…_ ”

Isak exclaims, almost affronted.”

“ _I didn’t say anything!_ ”

Even gives him a little shove.

“ _Relax… I’m just messing with you._ ”

Isak rolls his eye and Even laughs.

“ _Anyhow she was impressed with my paper and we started chatting after class… and went on to have dinner that evening…  That’s how we became friends…_ ”

 

There’s a fond smile playing on his ex’s lips and suddenly it occurs to Isak that there must be more going on between them; perhaps this Claire was the true reason behind their breakup?  He frowns, unable to decide what bothers him most about the idea: that Even is with someone else or that she is a woman…  He gazes at Even and asks.

“ _What kind of woman is she?_ ”

“ _Claire?_ ”  He chuckles at something and adds.

“ _When you don’t know her, you’d think she was the coldest bitch in the world._ ”  His grin widens.

“ _But beneath the surface she’s one of the most sensitive persons I’ve ever met.  In her owns words: ‘I’m such a fucking puppy’._ ” 

He said that last in English, mimicking her vexed tone presumably.  A startled giggle escapes Isak and Even smiles, pleased to have surprised him once again.  Then he goes on.

“ _She’s also very smart; she became an associate professor at TISCH at twenty nine; she’s written a dozen plays so far, including one which is currently produced on Broadway, as well as three books; the most popular being an essay on Oscar Wilde’s theater._ ”

He drains the last of his tea and Isak remarks.

“ _You sound like you admire her…  Are you two an item?_ ”

Even pauses and focuses on him.

“ _I do admire her… and yes we have a thing…_ ”

“ _So you’re in love with her then?_ ”

Even sighs.

“ _I care for her a great deal and yes, you could even say I love her in a way…_ ”  His eyes bore into Isak’s.  “ _…but you’re the only one I’m in love with…_ ”

Isak is arrested by the weight of Even’s longing and soon he becomes uncomfortable.  He clears his throat and asks.

“ _Does she know this?_ ”

His ex shakes his head, producing a bittersweet little smile.

“ _Yep… It was actually her who urged me to come back here after I received your email…  She said you were calling for me…_ ”

 

Isak bites at his lips.  Once again he wonders if that was the case.  What would be the point beyond getting some answers?  He recalls how good it felt to be held by Even again…  And yet… he cannot unlive the last year; he cannot forget the pain caused by his lover’s absence and the end of their relationship…  He focuses back on Even who looks at him, hopeful.  And Isak realizes his ex expected him to… what?  Forgive and forget?  Pick up where they left off?  Doesn’t he understand neither of them are the same people they were before he left?  He can see now how Sana had been right.  Still, if he was completely honest, he has to admit there’s a part of him that would like nothing better than to fall back into Even… but that would be a shallow fiction, a delusion, because the keystone of their couple, of any couple, is trust, and that is what’s been lost between them.  Even just hasn’t grasped that yet.  And in that moment the last piece of the puzzle falls into place in Isak’s mind: this meeting, and the email that made it possible, were the final phase of his mourning.

 

*****

 

**Tuesday, 12-31-19, 17:50PM**

 

 

It is already dark outside and the street lights are lit.  Even purses his lips and asks.

“ _Are you hungry?_ ”

Isak should be yet he doesn’t really feel like it.  Still, eating something is probably a good idea so he nods.

“ _What have you got?_ ”

Even stands and grabs a tissue on the way up.  He blows his nose and replies.

“ _Mom made Lapskaus* 9 yesterday, there’s plenty left.  But I could make spaghettis instead if you’d like._”

“ _The stew will do fine._ ”

 

 

**Tuesday, 12-31-19, 18:41PM**

 

 

It turns out he was more hungry than he thought and Heidi was such a good cook.  She had used pork instead of beef this time around and it was delicious.  After the meal they both sit side by side at the kitchen table, each nursing a beer in silence.  Isak is wrestling with his new awareness; he has to find a way to help Even understand there’s no going back for them…  And he still wants to know what exactly prompted his ex to break up in the first place.  His musings are cut short when Even clears his throat and asks.

“ _So… how did you meet this… Eirik?_ ”

That’s the first time his ex mentions his boyfriend’s name.  Isak turns to him.

“ _After I got your letter I was really depressed…  That’s when he first noticed me on campus.  But we didn’t actually meet until the night of my birthday, six months later; through GrindR if you can believe it!_ ” 

He chuckles at the memory until he notices how serious Even is.  So he sobers up and continues.

“ _I went to his place that night but we didn’t end up having sex… instead I cried my heart out in his arms, because I had lost you and didn’t know why…_ ”

There, a window for you so you can have an idea of what I went through; and an open door, if you want to explain at last.  He watches the large blue eyes of his former lover as they fill up; his long hair form a curtain over his face when he looks down at the table, the picture of misery.  And Isak immediately regrets his momentary lack of empathy.  After all he too has no clear idea of what Even went through during that time. 

 

He’s hesitant to touch the older boy’s arm, and indeed Even flinches when he does, but Isak squeezes it and murmurs.

“ _Won’t you tell me now why you broke up?_ ”

A tremor seems to course through Even’s frame.  He’s still not looking up and his voice sounds extinct when he replies.

“ _Ever since that night at the Bristol I’ve been… trying not to choke on guilt…_ ” 

His breathing is laborious, as if he is straining under a great weight.

“ _And every time I start to believe I’ve got a grip on my life, my fucking bipolar yanks me right back down and I end up doing some stupid shit!_ ”

 

There was so much loathing packed in those last few words!  Isak comes to the realization that this, right here, is the real abscess that needs lancing.  So long as Even remains convinced his condition is a cancer that needs fighting he’ll waste his energies trying to do so.  So it’s up to him to make him see there’s another way, if he can.  He squeezes hi ex’s arm again and prompts.

“ _Come, let’s go back to the living room, it’ll be cozier there._ ”

 

 

**Tuesday, 12-31-19, 19:54PM**

 

 

They sit on the sofa, crossed legged and facing each other.  Isak watches Even as he struggles with his emotions.  He remains quiet, giving him all the time he needs to come out.  Eventually his ex takes a deep breath and begins.

“ _In late October of last year I had an episode…  I maxed out my credit cards and bought a ton of useless shit… I also ended up sleeping with that friend I mentioned, Lucas…_ ”

Isak can sense the guilt clinging to him like dryer static.  Even goes on more slowly.

“ _When I came down from the high I couldn’t stop thinking about this.  I left Oslo promising you no one would ever take your place and there I was, cheating on you the first time I got…_ ”

He recalls the last time they had skyped, how awkward it had felt, and that had been in mid November…  Even coughs and adds.

“ _To me, the fact I did this, despite my promise and on top of what happened the summer before, it was the proof I didn’t deserve to be with you… that’s why I wrote that letter._ ”

Isak can’t help but feeling disheartened.  It’s always the same with Even… he always ends up acting like he’s the only one involved.

“ _You didn’t think I might have something to say about this?_ ”

Isak shakes his head and the older boy looks away, shamefaced.  In time he continues.

“ _It’s after that when Claire offered to rent me the third floor of her house.  I moved in with her by the end of the semester, and we became ‘friends with benefits’ during the Holidays...  Then the spring semester went by in a blur until I landed in another relapse at the end of May…_ ”

Even gazes back up then and Isak is appalled by the torment he sees in those eyes.  The voice of his ex is dead when he describes what followed.

“ _I went out on the last day of that month, looking for you, and I found a guy, a shy boy with blond hair and lips like yours… I brought him home and fucked him as if it was you…_ ” 

He shuts his eyes tight and bites on his lips, as if trying not to scream.  He shies away when Isak claps his hand.

“ _The next day, after the guy was gone, all I could think of was that I’d never see you again.  I couldn’t take it anymore…  So I waited until Claire went out for the evening and I…_ ”

 

He stops talking and begins unbuckling the bracers around his forearms.  Isak had noticed them earlier but made nothing of it, assuming they were no more than a fashion in vogue in New York.  When Even removes them and extends his arms towards him Isak understands their true purpose.  He stares in morbid fascination at the twin scars.  They’re perhaps nine or ten centimeters in length.  The folds of skin where the stitches had been were maybe a little less than a centimeter thick.  Isak looks up and his vision is blurry.  He pulls Even in his arms.  It’s not long before his ex heaves and gasps against his shoulder.  He lets it all out and Isak is almost overwhelmed by the raw desolation he can hear in those cries; like a child abandoned in a closet, like a man who’s lost all hope.  All Isak can do is support his one time lover and be the safe haven he needs during that storm. 

 

 

**Tuesday, 12-31-19, 21:37PM**

 

 

They’re cuddling on the sofa.  Even’s head rests on Isak’s shoulder.  There is no need to talk for now.  Isak is combing the older boy’s thick mane with one hand.  He has no idea what the time is.  He’s reflecting he should be calling Eirik to let him know what’s happening when the muffled ding of an incoming text sounds.  He wriggles a little to get to his back-pocket and manages to take out his phone.

 

 **21:39PM** – and the message is from Eirik.

 

 **Eirik** : “ _It’s past 21:30PM.  I just need to know if you’re coming home or spending the night out._ ”

He sighs.  He can’t leave Even like this so he replies.

 **Isak** : “ _I can’t leave him alone tonight but I’ll be back tomorrow, ok?_ ”

 **Eirik** : “ _No problem, take your time…_ _❤_ ”

 

Isak smiles at the emoji.  He likes that Eirik is more openly affectionate.  He senses Even’s head shift towards him so he glances down.  The large blue eyes are looking up, full of misgivings.  Even’s voice is hoarse from before and he sounds anxious when he asks.

“ _Was that Eirik?_ ”

Isak nods and his ex straightens on the couch.  He’s looking blankly ahead when he asks.

“ _Why did you really send me that email Isak?_ ”

“ _I wanted to see you again… I wanted to hear the real story from you and…”_ He hesitates. _“…I wanted to say my goodbyes in person._ ”

Even turns to him and searches his eyes.

“ _‘Remember that somewhere there’s a universe where we are still together’; that’s what you wrote… didn’t that mean you wanted us back together?_ ”

Isak shakes his head sadly.  No, that isn’t what he had meant.  He caresses Even’s face, trying to convey with a look all the tenderness he feels for him.

“ _I wrote this because I hope there’s such a universe out there; one where I wasn’t raped, where you didn’t leave for America, where we didn’t break up, where I didn’t learn to live without you…_ ”

Fresh tears are running down Even’s cheeks.  Isak wipes them away with his thumb and goes on.

“ _It sounds like I’m blaming you but I’m not… I’m just telling you that in ‘this’ universe these things happened… and they changed us._ ”  He stares directly into the older boy’s eyes.  “ _There’s a part of me that will always love you Even and perhaps… if circumstances were different…_ ”  He lets out a deep sigh.  “ _…but they’re not._ ”

 

 

**Wednesday, 01-01-20, 0:53AM**

 

 

They are almost touching under the thick quilt blanketing Even’s double bed.  Isak is lying on his side as he watches his ex looking up at the ceiling, arms folded under his head.  They haven’t talked since they retired to the childhood bedroom they had shared all though the summer of 2018.  Even should have asked him to leave yet he didn’t; Isak should have left of his own accord but he did not.  It seems both of them felt the need to spend one last night together, in memory of what they once were.  After a while like this Even turns to him and says.

“ _Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like now if I wasn’t bipolar…  Would it be very different?_ ”

Isak smiles before replying.

“ _Well… for one you and I wouldn’t have met…_ ”

Even looks startled at this.

“ _Think about it!  If it wasn’t for your condition the shit that went on at Bakka with Mikail and the others wouldn’t have happened; which means you wouldn’t have transferred to Nissen; and that means we most likely would never have met since you’re two years older than me…_ ”

Even’s eyes are like saucers and Isak has to smile again before he continues.

“ _But it goes beyond that…_ ”  He swallows.  “ _…I fell in love with you because of who you were… and you are who you are because you are bipolar._ ”  He frowns, searching for the right words.  “ _You’re so real and honest and passionate… anyone that comes near you can feel it... this… charisma.  I know I did when we first met…_ ” 

He smiles at the memory.  That very first time he saw Even in the cafeteria at Nissen…  Again he stares into those wondering blue orbs, willing them to focus.

“ _People love you because you make them feel more alive and you can do that *because* you’re bipolar…_ ”

Isak wiggles closer and raises himself on one elbow, leaning in as he looked down into the older boy’s eyes.

“ _Stop beating yourself up over this Even… your condition is part of who you are!  Instead of letting it drag you down you should use it to propel you forward!_ ” 

He pauses, trying to recall the moment, and then.

“ _Do you remember that time when you told me you saw yourself, and your life, as a ship at sea, and me as your anchor…?_ ” 

Even swallows and nods so Isak goes on.

“ _The purpose of a ship is to sail, to ride the waves, to follow the currents… it’s not to stay forever moored.  I on the other end need solid ground to be happy and…  Eirik is that solid ground.  Let me go Even… let us go!_ ”

They look at each other for a long time in the dark, until Isak lowers himself to a point where their lips make contact.  Their last kiss, although bittersweet, is as poignant as the first one was.

 

**********

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) Although beautiful in its own right, Troy Sivan wrote this to relate his coming out, which means most of the lyrics are not really pertinent to this story. However if you read the verses of the Chorus like I do, they describe Isak’s state of mind perfectly at the end of this story.
> 
> _"Without losing a piece of me_  
>  How do I get to (h) **E** (a) **ven**?  
>  Without changing a part of me  
> How do I get to (h) **E** (a) **ven**?  
>  All my time is wasted  
> Feeling like my heart's mistaken, oh  
> So if I'm losing a piece of me  
> Maybe I don't want (h) **E** (a) **ven**?”
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> [2) http://dengode.no/](http://dengode.no/)
> 
> [3) http://www.laundromat.no/](http://www.laundromat.no/)
> 
> [4) https://www.facebook.com/enotecasvanen/](https://www.facebook.com/enotecasvanen/)
> 
> [5) http://www.vinous.com/articles/biondi-santi-the-epic-vintages-1955-1975-mar-2015](http://www.vinous.com/articles/biondi-santi-the-epic-vintages-1955-1975-mar-2015)
> 
> 6) 15,000Kr = 1601.92 Euros or 1747.01 US Dollars
> 
> [7) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/House_of_Cards_(U.S._TV_series)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/House_of_Cards_\(U.S._TV_series\))
> 
> [8) http://www.laundromat.no/our-menu/](http://www.laundromat.no/our-menu/)
> 
> [9) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lapskaus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lapskaus)
> 
> __________
> 
>  
> 
> Well Folks...  we come to it at last, the end of this long love letter to Isak.  I wish to thank everyone who read and encouraged me.  Hopefully this bittersweet ending is not *too* disappointing...
> 
>  
> 
> EDIT May 22 - 2017
> 
> People wanted an epilogue and when I produced one it wasn't that appreciated so I removed it and have brought back the conclusion here - where I originally intended to end this tale.  
> \-----
> 
> EDIT May 30 - 2017
> 
> I keep being asked what the epilogue was about so you can view it here on Google Drive - let's call it an alternate ending.
> 
> https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B6X97Qfj6NKeeHJ4YmxHbFNoeGM  
> \-----
> 
> EDIT July 1st - 2017  
>    
> With SKAM over I've sort of lost interest in this 'verse so I removed my 2nd, incomplete story. I may re-edit this one in the future - seeing as it is 'completed' - but I'm not setting any deadline.


End file.
